Can we have a 'I'm really pissed off that my h turned into a bastard and I had to divorce him and

[OhioOhioOhio]

Now in a single parent' thread?

It seems so unnecessary that he was so mean about everything and he could have just been kind and we could have been happy. Ffs.

Nicely said @user147

I was madly in love with my fiancé.
We got married
We had THREE children.

I thought I had a lovely life.

He had multiple affairs

Sometimes we need to live a different life to the one we imagined.

Euclid spare a thought for others not yet out the other side.
You are verging on smug.

I'm sorry for your loss, Euclid, but this isn't the thread for what you have to say. I assume you don't have an interest in making people feel bad?

If we could see into the future maybe dome of us would not have married the person we did. At least my daughters are aware of red flags and hopefully won't fall into the same trap as I did

Genuine q: why do women blame other women for "choices they make" when a relationship turns out to be negative due to a man's actions?

There are plenty of men who are duplicitous to such an extreme that women with ordinarily great judgement in all aspects of their life are fooled. Men who hide a violent streak for years until one day it changes, and then it never changes back. Men who love-bomb and are wonderful partners for two years, then suddenly the controlling begins.

Is everyone who is a victim of this, somehow meant to have "known"? Should we all marry lovely quiet Martin from accounts because he is the most placid, unexceptional person and therefore won't cheat, won't raise a hand, won't financially abuse etc?

It's like every single woman alive should have the ability to be a clairvoyant and a forensic psychologist with access to information she could never hope to get in the early stages of a relationship.

Why can't some posters on here accept that there are horrible, shitty men out there, and women have DCs with those men and get hurt by those men. If you happened to have married Martin and are smug about that, don't project onto people and hurt them just to blame them for "life choices".

@gindaddy
I think that's what I've tried to say. I'm not sure how it came over.
I am sorry for your loss Euclid and I'm happy for your new found happiness.
Always be careful how you judge people when you're up. You might need them when you fall down.

@GinDaddyRedux
Love the Martin from accounts analogy

why do women blame other women for "choices they make" when a relationship turns out to be negative due to a man's actions?

This! Also, many of us grew up watching crappy relationships and thinking that was normal. It's true for big things like abuse and addiction but also for the small things that add up to big ones in the long term. No man in my extended family lifts a hand around the house, so when I met someone who brought me a cup of tea occasionally I thought I'd found a miraculous treasure

I look back on the things my exH did and initially thought I must be mentally exaggerating it as HOW could I have stayed in that relationship for 20 years, surely I'm stronger than that.

He's now doing the exact same to his new partner and she's staying too.

Part of the control is the confusion of being unable to see the wood for the trees.
Only when you are free can you sometimes see what an utter bastard they are.

@Euclid I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume those horrible comments come from a place of grief rather than a place of cruelty, but perhaps this thread isn’t the place for you and you should leave.

@Stuckforthefourthtime
Yup!

@Euclid

Any sympathy I may have had for your loss was wiped out by your nasty,incredibly smug comment. Lucky that you were loved even with such a spiteful streak.

I'm here!!!
I don't even know this man anymore!!!
I grieve still for the life we could/should be having
Xxx

OP, I hear you. I look at ExDH now and it’s like I married someone totally different. Mutual friends say the same. Even now, years later, when I’ve repartnered, I’ll never but that much trust in anyone again.

@Euclid I get that grief is limiting your perspective but your comments are neither wanted or needed on this thread.

I had a partner who did the ironing. I thought I'd gone to heaven. Briefly.

The problem is that even Martin from accounts can be a fucking arsehole a long way down the road. You never really know someone, all you see is what they want you to see.
17 years and 2 kids before he felt that I was trapped so perfectly that he could display his true arsehole tendencies.

Yet if he died 15 years in, I would have thought he was a great and devoted husband and been devastated. Unfortunately I was not that fucking lucky

He was lovely everyone says he is lovely! I told the police that if they met him under other circumstances they would think he was great! Sadly behind closed doors he was not and as to how I got pregnant with our second child? He threw away my pills forced me to have sex with him and wouldnt let me go to the doctors for contraception how did he stop me? He threatened the children of course

It is frustrating being at a wedding when your friend is marrying a complete bastard and everyone there knows it. My friend was abit late and we were all sitting in the church waiting dh said (rather too loudly and hopefully) “perhaps she’s not coming?“

Dh refuses to speak or look at the now dh as he saw my friend crying and she described the verbal abuse while dh was there. We have had to put it behind us as she’s married him but dh won’t as he hates the dh guts and blanks him socially (awkward)

@Euclid talking therapy could really help you. I can’t imagine walking around with that much bitterness towards other women or judging them the way you do. It’s not then it’s you.

@Euclid first of all sorry for your loss.

But you seem to make a habit of posting to make people feel like shit, 'my husband hit me...just be grateful as my husband is dead' etc.

Be kind. There's no need to be otherwise

Yes. Even Martin from accounts can be a prick for sure.

Should we all marry lovely quiet Martin from accounts because he is the most placid, unexceptional person and therefore won't cheat, won't raise a hand, won't financially abuse etc?

The problem is that you don't know what Martin from accounts is like as a husband unless you marry him. Someone being well-liked at work, or socially popular, doesn't preclude them from being an abusive spouse behind closed doors.

I’m with you OP. I think the same. Mine had lots of good points and there were good times, but the bully came out often enough to disrupt all the positives he brought and to damage our children. He knew he was damaged by his childhood, but never once sought help, even though he knew his behaviour was destructive. It makes me sad. We could have had a great life together, but I’m working now on having a great life on my own.

@GinDaddyRedux can I just ask.... is Martin from accounts meant to be mind numbingly boring? Only asking as I’ve married ‘Johnathon’ from accounts and he really is shy, faithful and sweet but maybe a little bit boring . Does this mean I’ve settled ? Gosh maybe I should start a post on ‘did I settle for mr nice guy instead of mr passion or mr lust face?’ I remember when I started dating hubby it was all lust and passion but now it’s more unconditional love and comfort rather than raw lust and passion. This thread has made me rethink my life.... sorry to be posting my own thoughts! Any advise!? Also @Euclid am so sorry for your loss but it is possible for men to change after dating and marriage, am so sorry you lost your wonderful husband and understand at some extend you resenting women who treat their loving devoting husbands like crap but the women on here are not them xxxxx