Can we have a 'I'm really pissed off that my h turned into a bastard and I had to divorce him and

[OhioOhioOhio]

Now in a single parent' thread?

It seems so unnecessary that he was so mean about everything and he could have just been kind and we could have been happy. Ffs.

It's the 'boiling a frog' analogy isn't it? These arseholes don't start off as arseholes or they'd never find anyone to marry. My ex gradually became abusive, after our children were born. It was totally insidious and I was with him for 27 years.
It's the nature of abuse like this that the victim questions themselves constantly. You think if you can just find the right thing to do, say, be, then he will be the loving man you married once more. Unfortunately as I discovered when I divorced, there are some women who will always side with a man, abusive or not, and blame the woman: 'If it was that bad, why did you stay with him so long?' for example.
When I finally got yhe courage to leave a man who was controlling, emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive, someone who I thought was a friend actually said 'Well, he's got a right to be happy.'
Apparently what made him happy was acting like he was 18 and in a band, and being unfaithful with every woman who crossed his path

The kicker is that the law, society etc all excuse men behaving like bastards. The sooner single parents get the full and meaningful support of everyone, the better. Blaming women for how men behave is excusing men from accountability - it perpetuates the problem.

No more "boys will be boys" or "women's work" nonsense.
Proper protective legislation, legal aid and social support.
A fully functioning effective child support service, no undercutting/dodging/ceiling.

Oh and while we're at it let's have equal sex representation in government so the needs of women (and in turn their children and all of society) are addressed consistently for the sake of us all.

Oh yet more spiteful nonsense from @Euclid. Why don't you give it a rest?

My ex and I were set up by a mutual friend who, after listening to me jokingly moan about being single (I'd lived abroad for a while and had a few short term relationships, some of which were quite volatile but all ended pretty amicably), introduced me to his church going, high earning, very bland friend. We were not each others sort at all but we stuck it out. I think I wanted to show that I was NOT young and stupid anymore and could have a long term grown up relationship. And then I got pregnant. And then he started.
I ended up turning up at a friend's house at one in the morning, covered in bruises with a bloody nose, two broken ribs and a concussion.
When I gave birth a few months later, I was absolutely terrified at the prospect of being a single parent but was so, so relieved that I was no longer with that man.

Having worked in an abuse service it is simply not the case that women chose to marry ‘rotters’. Abusive men are usually charming, capable of being lovely and excellent at self control and bidding their time. If they were dicks from the off they wouldn’t get a partner, if they chucked stuff about at work - rather than just chucking their dinner at the wall at woman head height - they’d get sacked. They have to get you hooked first and there are three hooks: debt, pregnant, married. It is not at all unusual for a man to only bring on the violence or other abuse once they have you hooked in. I’ve sat in too many rooms with women who were only beaten for the first time on their wedding night.

Don’t blame women from men’s abuse.

"The problem is that you don't know what Martin from accounts is like as a husband unless you marry him. Someone being well-liked at work, or socially popular, doesn't preclude them from being an abusive spouse behind closed doors"

YES!

I married 'Martin from accounts' (after a spell of exciting but bad 'uns)

turns out Martin was a quiet bastard who changed when at home.
No one would believe me, no one would help. Family / Police. No one.
disabled, with my 2 disabled kids, I left with a few bags.

Was I stupid? Or unlucky?

Does it matter now? I got away, that's all that counts

Because of my very happy marriage and my husband died I resent women with minor complaints about their husbands.

Wow, smug much? Awful that you lost your husband but do you REALLY think that:
A. Women divorce men over "minor complaints" and
B. Just because you lost your husband other women should say "oh he's a bastard and I'm miserable but I'll stay because he's not dead?"

It's not usually possible to predict abuse in a relationship. However, it is possible to predict general behaviour.

More commonly, problems in relationships come not from abuse but from resentment. My friend married a lazy man, hoping he would change. He didn't. She won't leave him now as he's a decent enough sort and their kids adore him.

But she's knackered, resentful and disappointed in him. He does nothing in the house or proactively for the kids. He doesn't 'see' mess, and forces her to take on the entire mental load of family life.

I saw it coming, as did her family. Looking at the relationship board on here, this is the major problem for so many people. They thought their partner would do more work domestically but they based it on hope and good intentions, rather than reality.

Love isn't enough.

I've registered to say 'Yes, if he had been a decent bloke we could have been happy.'
@AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff Mine tried to kill me, too.

Can I join in? I could say why did I fall for his act in the first place, but the fact is it's because he's VERY good at what he does and is still doing it. He's on his 6th new partner since we split 6 years ago and she currently thinks she's found her perfect man. How wrong she is.

I didn't see the apparently shitty comment that Euclid made, but I'm also not sure about how kind it is to tag her into a couple of dozen posts pointing out her wrongness, given that from what I can gather she's grieving.

@hailtomyteeth

And yet here we are flower.

I can’t hail some of my teeth because they went for a burton thanks to him but with the magic of implants I can do This

it took me a while to find my feet, my smile and my mojo but here we are.

Not an apparently shitty comment.

And most, of not all, were fairly restrained in their response to that post because of her grieving.

IF not all.

I don't mean it was apparently shitty - I mean because I hadn't seen it, to me it was only 'apparently'.

I didn't say anyone wasn't restrained either, just that maybe multiple tags to a grieving woman is probably a tad unnecessary.

As was the post.

If you don't intend to acknowledge my point, why bother responding at all?

DH had everything- clever, charming, funny, good looking, so much fun to be around, wealthy......he also turned out to be a raging coke head. So now he’s none of those things and I’m on my own with 4 kids. He threw his whole life away and us with it for some white powder in a little plastic bag.

The be kind to a grieving woman is a fair point. And on the whole we were despite what she posted.

She was not so kind to those posting.

And you will note I didn’t tag her.

Then my point wasn't about your post, it was about those tagging a widow to tell her multiple times how bitter she is.

The first woman I ever heard speak about DV had a profound effect on me.

She was a nurse, met her Dr husband at work and three years later married him after a lovely courtship.

The day they got married they headed off from their reception in the hotel to stay elsewhere that night.

He had had a few drinks and she suggested that perhaps she should drive...

As he was driving he gave her a full slap with one hand across the face and told her to never question his judgement....

She ended up having several children with him and he beat her through the 10 years of her marriage until she eventually left.

We definitely have more access to knowledge now regarding red flags.

The challenge is getting the information out there, particularly to younger people.

Fair enough audacity

If it hadn’t been bad then it wouldn’t have had such a response and it wouldn’t have been deleted.

It touched nerves clearly.

No one deserves to know grief. It sucks. But in the same breath, no one deserves an arsehole partner/husband either...

Apologies because the ‘apparently’ got to me.

:-( this is truly sad

@GinDaddyReduxsome women blame other women and like to think it could never happen to them. It hasn't happened to me and I'd like to think it won't but I know it could. Unfortunately some women are very smug and think they chose better partners and would definitely know.