Can we have a 'I'm really pissed off that my h turned into a bastard and I had to divorce him and

[OhioOhioOhio]

Now in a single parent' thread?

It seems so unnecessary that he was so mean about everything and he could have just been kind and we could have been happy. Ffs.

devoted not devoting husbands rather*

I've know a few men who've previously been lovely who just seemed to morph into complete bastard husbands often when the men hit early/ late 40's.
One decided on Christmas Eve that he was too young tied down and have kids - he was 46 and kids were 3 and 1. Just left.
One decided to start taking coke and then attacked his wife with a baseball bat at 2am when she wouldn't attend to his needs.

All previously nice men, who I knew well....
Another lost his job, failed to tell wife, but then bought new car, holiday and then fucked off leaving her with loads of debt.

@Lovingmummy9

I didn't say anywhere in my post that Martin from accounts was undesirable or boring.

In fact I was using him as a paragon of the virtue that goady types use on here to belittle OP for their "choices".

As in "I married Martin, I am safe in my choices, why did you make such terrible life choices and have DCs with them".

That's the kind of thing that I was talking about. Women blaming other women for bad decisions that men make.

I wasn't at all saying "don't marry Martin he's boring". He was a fictional example of the virtuous life choice people peddle around here as an example to women who have DCs with someone who turned out to be horrendous.

@GinDaddyRedux Ah okay fair enough! Makes sense now! And yes actually totally agree with you. My Martin from accounts can be a little boring (I probably am too after 13 years) but he is my rock and I am so sorry for anyone who had partners who gave them a horrible marriage or relationship. Before I met DH I almost married a complete bastard who was cheating on me and was treating me like shit. I found out he was cheating (he kept hiding this fact oddly as he kept trying to break up with me and would have saved himself the hassle of me trying to make it work if he just told me that little fact) so I left but had I not I would have carried on trying to make it work because I was so attracted to him and inlove with him. However I did leave and is it bad that my DH is his best friend (well now ex best friend obviously) I decided to date DH initially as I thought he was kind and attractive but it was bonus that he turned out to be lovely!

I thought I had married Martin so was shocked when he started shouting and yelling at me and I discovered he'd been nobbing his secretary.

I know exactly what you mean @@OhioOhioOhio and I think I've been feeling it more as a single parent in lockdown when if he'd not turned into such a fucker it would all be easier and less lonely.

I was young, naive and had no sense of red flags. 22 when we met, 26 when married. It was only when I was 32 that I started to realise what he had done to me. Undermined me, abused my trust over and over again, made me believe I was the weak, mean, unsupportive one. He turned out to have a penchant for child porn and a catalogue of historic child sex crimes. And still, I was the bad, narrow minded and mean one, he was the kind, loving, generous one.

He fooled us all. My parents loved him, my friends loved him, he had a huge social circle. He was charming and exuded a caring and kind nature.

I will never trust again. Happy now to be a single mum, financially independent, and self respect more or less restored.

For a long time I felt so cheated out of what I thought would be a dream marriage and life. I am largely over that now, not least because it takes so much energy to be bitter and live in the past.

@Glovesick I am so sorry you went through that. It must have been hard finding out he wasn’t all roses but then to find out he was sick too but have been horrendous. I can imagine that leaving scars but please don’t let that stop you from finding love, if ofcourse you’re happier on your own than more power to you

To all people berating women for making " bad life choices" ...how horrid!! Men can and do change. Bully for you if your man is Prince Charming. Men can turn unto abusers which makes it very hard to leave them. Even grief is no excuse for lacking such insight. It is sheer ignorance with a large smattering of smugness thrown in. As you were ladies.

Euclid again, sorry for your loss and I understand that it may be colouring your perspective.

But just to add, your comment is symptomatic of a rather unpleasant strain that runs through Mumsnet (and life), of essentially suggesting that if a man tuns into a cheat/drunk/bastard its the woman's fault for failing to properly do her due diligence or play the game properly prior to getting married and having children.

Or worse, that its some sort of moral judgement upon a woman for choosing the "wrong" sort of man -- see the "Martin from accounts" school of thought: this is tied into an idea that its somehow rash and foolish for a woman's choice of man to be guided by desire or friendship or anything other than a sense of who will be the best or most reliable provider. It's Victorian and unpleasant and we need to call it out because its basically victim blaming under another badge.

There are some women who get pregnant with obvious ne'er do wells but the vast majority think that the man who they choose to have children with is a good long-term bet.

I married a man who was unfailingly devoted and loving until I got pregnant and who turned more or less overnight into an abusive and lazy alcoholic. Leaving and divorcing him was incredibly painful and difficult and continues to impact myself and my child. Is it my fault that he did a very good job of suppressing this part of his personality for six years?

We need to do a better job of instilling consequences, both social and moral, for me who behave like this, as opposed to making women - who invariably get stuck with the burden of childcare when these marriages implode -- feel shit about their "choices".

So respectfully and with compassion, Euclid I suggest that while understandable, your position is actually profoundly toxic and I ask you and others who think like you for a period of dignified silence while we as a society focus on the people who are really responsible for the breakdown of these marriages.

If it wasn't for mine turning into a bastard i wouldn't have met my lovely partner, but i would have loved to have been able to have a 50th anniversary (we got together young), children, grandchildren etc. i didn't know how to spot signs when i was young.

*why do women blame other women for "choices they make" when a relationship turns out to be negative due to a man's actions?

This! Also, many of us grew up watching crappy relationships and thinking that was normal. It's true for big things like abuse and addiction but also for the small things that add up to big ones in the long term. No man in my extended family lifts a hand around the house, so when I met someone who brought me a cup of tea occasionally I thought I'd found a miraculous treasure confused*

The problem is that you don't know what Martin from accounts is like as a husband unless you marry him. Someone being well-liked at work, or socially popular, doesn't preclude them from being an abusive spouse behind closed doors

All of these things are spot on. You can't judge people for their choices of men because you haven't lived their lives. The chances are people who've been fooled by men may have been brought up in families where people behaved poorly so it becomes the norm and there own boundaries weren't respected so they don't see the little signs that someone is selfish, unkind, controlling until they've been married to them for several years with two kids and their confidence is shot to pieces.

Plus some men are accomplished liars who love bomb women, hide their true nature until they're trapped. It's not a coincidence that domestic violence often starts in pregnancy.

People who have married decent men thank your lucky stars, don't look down on those who married shits. Blame the shits not the women. We have to stop blaming the victims or things will never change.

I've not left yet but DP turned in to a prick the moment I said I was pregnant (with planned baby). He's sucked the joy out of the biggest things in my life and I've tried so very hard because when he's not annoyed at me he's fantastic, it's just the other 80% of the time when he is annoyed at me that's the problem!

thepeopleversuswork crossposted. Beautifully put. I agree with every word and sorry you went through that hell

I think some posters should be careful of being too smug too.. I'd never have believed mine would do what he did. I always think that when I see these "Well, I chose well and my DH is marvellous!" Posts

Shit heads wouldn't get far in life without being able to wander through life disguising what shit heads they are. Sociopathy and manipulation are remarkably common in all walks of life.

People who don't realise that are walking shit head targets.

People who realise have probably been a target in the past. That doesn't make them stupid or lesser, perhaps unluckier but without doubt WISER.

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

He wasn’t wonderful because you’re better than the women here, but because he was better than the men mentioned here Oh I love this.
My DP is the total opposite to my usual type, he is quiet, shy, sometimes boring but really reliable loving and kind, my ex now he was a controlling confident womanising bullying twat.
You got a lucky escape OP. It would be far worse if he stayed to make you miserable every day. I do wonder how I loved my ex at all.

When a man behaves badly then it must OBVIOUSLY be a woman's fault...

Me and my dh are on the verge of splitting. He’s as keen as me to end it, saying “we just don’t get on do we”But we COULD get on if he could just be nice. We have arguments which he instigates every time because of his inability to just be pleasant. He’s got a nasty streak and I’ve had enough. I hate this lock down because it’s just us, I feel so lonely I might as well be on my own.

My problem was rose tinted glasses, they came off at the menopause and I saw what I really knew deep down all along. Sometimes we bury what we know to protect ourselves if there isn't any actual violence.

There is a small but significant cohort of women on MN who seem to think that they are superior simply because their partners and spouses aren't (or weren't) arseholes.

This superiority manifests itself by judging other women who have been cheated on, or treated badly, or abused. They make comments and statements that heavily imply that this treatment is the OP's fault because she failed to pick a good partner. Whereas the superior MNer is convinced that their own spouse or partner would never behave that way, and they feel that this is because they were more clever and more intuitive when choosing a partner.

There but for the grace of God and all that. How many threads have there been over the years where the OP starts off by saying that she never ever would have thought it would happen to her? A little kindness and humility goes a long way.

@Euclid I have been browsing MN for about 10 minutes at time of writing and this is the second thread you have brought down with your comments. Please stop now. It's not helping you. Step away if threads are upsetting you.

Tappering its totally true. It's basically an updated version of the 1950s attitude that its your fault for not wearing a ribbon in your hair and smiling sweetly when he gets back from work. It enrages me.

My friend's husband who was perfectly nice, suddenly turned into a bastard and told her out of the blue he was leaving because "She wasn't his princess"

WTF??

He was 48! She was 46. He just decided that he could do better and buggered off. Their kids were 18 and 20 and he thought he had no more obligations.

He wasn't having an affair either. He got a flat and lived the single life for about a year then met a single Mother and moved in with her.

She has two kids. It's like he couldn't cope with his own kids growing up or something.

He'd also gotten my friend into terrible debt, their house was sold and she now rents alone. I hate him.

when he's not annoyed at me he's fantastic, it's just the other 80% of the time when he is annoyed at me that's the problem!

Sounds like my ex. He went for anger management counselling once and cam back having decided, allegedly with the help of the counsellor (?!) that "I wouldn't have an anger problem if you didn't piss me off so much'.

His mother is a raging narcissist and I used the impact she had on him as an excuse for his emotionally abusive and controlling behaviour for years. Every time we went through a good patch (because there were some, even some great ones) I thought 'this is it...we're going to make it, everything will be fine', but then it just kept happening.

It was only our child was only enough to register what was happening and it to impact them that I started making tentative moves towards leaving. I took DC to the GP with me to see if we could both have some counselling around the situation. She spoke to us both, then DC on their own. Finally she called me back in on my own and told me that if I wasn't already planning to leave she would have to make a safeguarding referral for my child.

I had never realised that what he was doing was that bad. I'm an intelligent, and to anyone who knew me away from him, strong woman, but I just kept making excuses, thinking he would see the light and it would all stop eventually.

DC and I were out of the house within 6 weeks and have never looked back.

Now with the passage of time I sometimes remember the good bits and think 'what it'? Then I'll see ten seconds of something like the coercive control storyline that's going on in Coronation Street at the moment, and end up sat on the kitchen floor shaking and crying.

It's really not always as simple as 'You should have known' or you shouldn't have put up with it'. If that's your way of thinking, please just don't bother posting on a thread like this for those of us who actually have experience of how these things really go down.