Husband's disordered eating

[cockcrowfarm]

This isn't really a aibu, more wwyd, I'm posting for traffic.
My husband has very disordered eating. When he is at work he doesn't eat breakfast, rarely eats lunch and only eats dinner if it's a business meeting. He might eat a snack when he comes home at night when I'm usually asleep already with the baby. He survives the day drinking coffee.

Just before the lock down his weight was around 57kg for a 1.80meter man. I have made lots of suggestions and I'm ready to help him in any way. He agrees that there is a problem but doesn't do anything about it.

For example, I've made him smoothies with nuts, milk, fruit etc which he says taste good but he just doesn't finish it. Now, he is working from home, I can go into his room after a few hours and he's only taken a few sips. If I bring him snacks it's much the same.

We are staying at his parents house just now and his mum cooks good meals every day, a lot of meat and different vegetables. He eats a reasonable portion of it but I have to bring him to the table to eat. Today, I asked him to join us, he dissappeared for a cigarette and didn't come back. I ate with the family and then went to get him and he said he forgot and came down to eat alone. The food was really nice and he said he would leave me some since it was vegetarian, I am in no need for extra portions at the moment! In the evening I made the baby her meal and I always eat something with her, I had rice crackers, cream cheese and salad. My husband ate two apricots.

Before I had put it down to stress in work and he has a busy job but now there is less going on and he is home with good food on offer daily. He has put on a few kilos and definitely looks healthier. He says he would like to weigh 70kg but he does nothing about it. We have discussed some options, this is a long term goal and he has to slowly increase his daily calories. We read through lists online of healthy foods that help to put on weight nut, milk, cream, olive oil etc and he says he likes to eat them all but doesn't make any effort to do it.

I'm looking for long term solutions, I don't expect him to bulk up in a month. Even if he would have two digestives and a glass of milk extra, it so little effort I just can't understand why he won't do it for his health. Before lock down I had already asked him to discuss it with a doctor because I want him to realise how serious it is. He is 48 years old, these habits as well as smoking are very dangerous. As well as the damage he is doing to his organs the lack of body fat means if he ever even gets ill he will be in a bad way.

Compared to that it seems quite frivolous to say as well that it is a big turn off for me sexually, first of all the behaviour that he won't care for himself and secondly that he looks like a skeleton and doesn't have much energy.
Thanks for reading this long post. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to help?

As someone whos had an ED it feels very familiar, avoiding food, leaving it for others, wanting to eat alone, sounding enthusiastic and saying positive things but not actually able to act on them.
I do think it sounds like an ED and using smoking to supress his appetite.

For everyone saying leave him alone, hes an adult, stop nagging. As PP have said if it was their teenage (or even early 20s) DD the responses would be different , OR if she'd said he had an issue with being very overweight and smoking, not being able to sleep...would people say let him crack on with it.
ED can have a risk of osteoporosis and organ damage as well as the MH issues.

I think there is a problem but not due to his weight as such. More the overall picture. It’s the smoking, living on coffee and lack of energy that are concerning.

One of mine is around 185cm and 55kg. Extremely thin but a perfectly healthy young adult male. Energetic like you would not believe. Christ, the energy ..... A light eater but they have been this way since a child.

Mine eats a healthy but light breakfast. Having said that if on holidays with full restaurant service/buffet or when I make the occasional pancakes or full cooked breakfast they will bog in. They don’t eat lunch, they may have a piece of fruit or muesli bar at some point during the day. They eat a large portion of a cooked healthy dinner, or the occasional takeaway. Then generally have a lighter serve if something later in the evening such as bowl of cereal. They don’t smoke, drink (alcohol) or have tea or coffee. They do love the occasional hot chocolate or iced chocolate though if out.

When young at children’s parties all the kids would be bogging in like pugs at a trough and mine would take a few chips, have a mini sausage roll or similar, grab a couple of lollies and have a few bites of the cake at the end. They were never limited, just naturally they never wanted much.

The only issue mine has ever had was having to wrap up in several layers in cold weather (thankfully we are in a warm climate), and they would take longer to bounce back from something like gastro. Apart from that no physical health issues whatsoever and oodles of energy. It’s not the weight that concerns me with OP’s DH but the lack of energy and seemingly living on coffee and cigarettes.

I’m also shocked at some of the replies here.

Your DH needs to see a doctor, preferably one that is sympathetic and can help with MH problems.

My aunt had a similar type of ED and once she reached her fifties it has caused all sorts of long term health issues. Sorry to be blunt, but if your DH won’t deal with his illness, I suggest that you make sure he has a will and life insurance in place.

Also take care with the MIL feeding your DC, we had this, they kept buying them food every week, lots of chocs and sweets, they did the same with DNiece who got quite plump as a child and now has an eating disorder just like her mum...They think feeding too much is like love but it isn't.

@emmathedilemma

He must like a skeleton, i'm 12cm shorter than him and when I got to that weight people started to ask if i was ill!! I think some people genuinely have small appetites and aren't interested in food as a pleasurable thing, it's almost a chore that they have to eat to survive. I think it's like loosing weight, he's got to want to do and it sounds like you're willing to support him and have all the right tactics to do so when he's ready to make that decision.

I'm the same, I like to be slim (171cm) and usually around 60 kg, a few times I have been below and that involved short term unhealthy behaviours. Around 57 kg is when I will start to get some comments about my face looking to thin as well. The last discussion we had was similar to what you said about loosing weight and how that takes effort and for him the changes will take some effort too. Just small adjustments at a time, not to make a big deal of it just incorporate a simple snack like a banana, or whatever he can accept until he gets used to it. I would do anything to help him , and just to avoid this being misread by anyone who still thinks I am coercing him into eating, I have never put a banana in his brief case or so much as made him lunch!

It's all good and well everyone saying "get him to a GP" but that's not how it works with an adult. You can't "get" a grown man to speak honestly with a doctor. If he doesn't want to go, even if he does eventually agree, he'll just lie when he gets there and come home and tell the OP that the doctor said he's all fine.

@Ahwelltoobad Thanks! I told him about Supersize super skinny and he was interested to watch it but we didn't yet because I wanted to find an episode that he could relate to.

On the other hand, being an adult means you get to make your own choices for good or bad and to reap the consequences (good or bad) of those choices.

EDs and other MH disorders are fundamentally different from smoking hence the need for interventions and sectioning (not suggesting DH needs sectioning.

You cannot leave adult anorexics to seek treatment for example because they won’t.

@Nearlyalmost50 Thank you for your post. He has definitely got into a bad pattern and he accepts that too on some level at least. He needs to find small and sustainable ways to maintain his health. I am really worried what is going to happen to him in the rest of the year when he is alone and fully back at work.

@Monty27

If you're in China is it the purification of the wet markets following COVID-19? The fear of eating?

No, that's not it for him. I would buy vegetables from the market or grocery store and they are good, no strange animals around! Most of the time we buy from the supermarket.

Op I was just like your husband. I was very underweight, bmi 15, no energy and horrible stomach pains and nausea when I did eat. I'd be bedridden with a cold because I was so weak. I only ate in the evening, nothing but water before 10pm. I still only eat in the evening, but start between 5 and 7pm now and consume a lot more calories. I've gained a stone so far and no longer have dizzy spells. My hairs not falling out and my skin and nails look much better. I have a lot more energy.

I didn't think I was anorexic because being thin wasn't my main driver, but I suppose it was a form of it. I think it was mostly about control.

I don't know how you can help him, but I know kindness and caring helped me more than anything else. My partner was worried but his worry took the form of shouting and telling me how bad I looked. The more he shouted at me to eat, the worse I felt, the less I ate. I've been seeing a counsellor for two years and she seems to care - that's one good thing my partner did. He found her and booked the first appointment. And I had an unrelated appointment at the hospital, and the nurse who weighed me also seemed to care. Practically how I increased my appetite was I started trying to have a protein shake soon after each evening meal. I never found one I liked the taste of, but then started to get the ready made nurishment milkshakes you can buy in shops in the UK (not sure about elsewhere). I'd have one of those after my dinner and gradually this became easier to do.

@Orangeblossom78

Also take care with the MIL feeding your DC, we had this, they kept buying them food every week, lots of chocs and sweets, they did the same with DNiece who got quite plump as a child and now has an eating disorder just like her mum...They think feeding too much is like love but it isn't.

Thank goodness MIL is well under control! Now she can see that my BLW ideas worked fine., the baby is lovely and chubby and very active! Now she also enjoys watching her feed herself and she keeps her contribution to giving her fruits or vegetables. It took a while to convince her but I am very glad she came around.

@TheVamoosh

It's all good and well everyone saying "get him to a GP" but that's not how it works with an adult. You can't "get" a grown man to speak honestly with a doctor. If he doesn't want to go, even if he does eventually agree, he'll just lie when he gets there and come home and tell the OP that the doctor said he's all fine.

Yes, this is very much my concern. Now after three months with his parents he is still very thin but not quite alarm bells thin like he was before so if there were no other obvious problems a doctor probably wouldn't say much more than he should keep an eye on his weight. We don't have scales here but his BMI is probably just over the threshold of underweight, which actually is still suboptimal but probably not in the danger zone.

@SonEtLumiere Regarding the smoking, I don't say much. I smoked too until I got pregnant so it really would be pot calling the kettle black. He knows as well as every smoker that it is harmful to his health. I ask him to brush his teeth and wash his hands if he smells strongly before handling the baby. He is already ashamed for smoking and hides from the baby if he wants to even though she is too young to know he said he doesn't want her to have the image of him with a cigarette in his hand. I'm really not a. controlling and nagging witch that some posters might think!

@BlueBooby I am so glad that you have put on a stone, that is excellent! Well, done. I know you have to work very hard for that. I am sorry that your husband behaved in that way, I think it is difficult for people to know how to behave in these situations and it sounds like he took completely the wrong path. Were you able to get over this with him and find a way he could support you better?

He's obviously got an eating disorder and needs medical help. You've had some great advice on that front.

I'd be trying to limit his affect on your child. Do you want him growing up seeing this? It's a terrible influence on a child.

I'd give him a chance to get himself help and if he didn't I'd leave him. You have to put your child first. People very rarely change.

@Smallgoon ODFOD. You have your opinion and I have mine, except I won’t insult you by calling you ridiculous because I actually respect other people’s differing opinions without trying to make them feel ‘ridiculous’ about it.

@QuacksInTheDark You seem nice.

Unfortunately our problems run deeper, I've realised how controlling he has been in many ways throughout our relationship. Ive wondered if that is why I looked for control in food. Plus the times he didn't want me near him are hard to forget. We aren't married but have been together for a long time, and I thought that meant in sickness and in health just like a marriage. I understand he was worried but he was so nasty and I just can't get forget it. Tbh when he encourages me for looking good, I have an urge to starve myself. I fight it and eat in spite of him, for me. I couldn't work before because I was too weak, so now I eat so I can get a job and eventually leave. Luckily none of this sounds like your marriage and I don't think you sound anything but lovely. I really hope you and your husband can find a way through this together.

If this was a husband posting about his wife the responses would be very different! It sounds like he's underweight with an eating disorder If he's leaving the table to go and have a cigarette which everyone knows is an appetite suppressant. I don't really have any advice other than to not listen to the PP who say ifs nothing to worry about!

OP I completely get your concerns, this sounds very worrying. I really hope he recognises this as an issue and can change his habits/get help.
On a slightly different note I can’t help but notice how kind and sympathetic most of these replies are compared to another thread recently where the OP’s husband appeared to have binge eating disorder. The comments there were awful - calling him disgusting, greedy, revolting, telling the OP to leave him. I wish the same empathy here could be extended to all eating disorders :(

Good luck OP

I wish the same empathy here could be extended to all eating disorders
I think it would be if the results were treated the same by media and subsequently by society. But that is a discussion for a different thread.

A bit like the AA

Yes I have noticed in DHs family the comments on appearance, in gereral, often things like Americans 'are so big, huge!" (with widened eyes) for example, and a big focus on appearance. I find it pretty shallow, but guess it is due to their eating disordered behaviour. I try and focus on things like kindness and don;t talk about appearance. They always greet you wit 'your looking good' and look you up and down. (whether you do or not!)