Husband's disordered eating

[cockcrowfarm]

This isn't really a aibu, more wwyd, I'm posting for traffic.
My husband has very disordered eating. When he is at work he doesn't eat breakfast, rarely eats lunch and only eats dinner if it's a business meeting. He might eat a snack when he comes home at night when I'm usually asleep already with the baby. He survives the day drinking coffee.

Just before the lock down his weight was around 57kg for a 1.80meter man. I have made lots of suggestions and I'm ready to help him in any way. He agrees that there is a problem but doesn't do anything about it.

For example, I've made him smoothies with nuts, milk, fruit etc which he says taste good but he just doesn't finish it. Now, he is working from home, I can go into his room after a few hours and he's only taken a few sips. If I bring him snacks it's much the same.

We are staying at his parents house just now and his mum cooks good meals every day, a lot of meat and different vegetables. He eats a reasonable portion of it but I have to bring him to the table to eat. Today, I asked him to join us, he dissappeared for a cigarette and didn't come back. I ate with the family and then went to get him and he said he forgot and came down to eat alone. The food was really nice and he said he would leave me some since it was vegetarian, I am in no need for extra portions at the moment! In the evening I made the baby her meal and I always eat something with her, I had rice crackers, cream cheese and salad. My husband ate two apricots.

Before I had put it down to stress in work and he has a busy job but now there is less going on and he is home with good food on offer daily. He has put on a few kilos and definitely looks healthier. He says he would like to weigh 70kg but he does nothing about it. We have discussed some options, this is a long term goal and he has to slowly increase his daily calories. We read through lists online of healthy foods that help to put on weight nut, milk, cream, olive oil etc and he says he likes to eat them all but doesn't make any effort to do it.

I'm looking for long term solutions, I don't expect him to bulk up in a month. Even if he would have two digestives and a glass of milk extra, it so little effort I just can't understand why he won't do it for his health. Before lock down I had already asked him to discuss it with a doctor because I want him to realise how serious it is. He is 48 years old, these habits as well as smoking are very dangerous. As well as the damage he is doing to his organs the lack of body fat means if he ever even gets ill he will be in a bad way.

Compared to that it seems quite frivolous to say as well that it is a big turn off for me sexually, first of all the behaviour that he won't care for himself and secondly that he looks like a skeleton and doesn't have much energy.
Thanks for reading this long post. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to help?

@Bluemoooon His job can be stressful. I think these bad habits certainly make it more stressful than is necessary as well. Before I put the weight loss wholly down to stress and being to busy but now since we are at his parents and had a good break with less work and lots of home cooked food on offer I can see that the problem is deeper. He says he wants to put on weight but here he has every opportunity to do it in a comfortable, balanced family environment where we are eating too and he is skiping meal times.

I can’t believe people say to leave him alone as it’s normal or his choice

For a man his height that weight is very low!

He sounds like he’s anorexic, and that is a serious issue and he needs to see GP and a psychiatrist urgently

No wonder you are worried, but sadly you can’t “feed him up”, I lived with a man with anorexia (flatmate at uni), it is like being an alcoholic or other addict: you cannot change them

How tough for you

Am sooooo surprised and shocked by most of the replies though

@Monty27 52kg ang 5ft 3 gives you a perfectly normal BMI of around 21, same as me pre-baby! He is between 17 and possibly close to 19. now after three months with his family. We live in China so we don't have a regular family doctor that would be easy to talk to or pick up on these things.

@Orangeblossom78

You mention he is travelling to China, do you think this current situation could be making him more stressed / work stress perhaps? I ask as mine seems to get worse with stress.

That in itself doesn't but the fact that he will be back alone without me and our daughter will.

It is very damaging to one's body to undereat in the way your DH is doing. From what you've said it goes right back to childhood so there could be some deep-seated, unconscious problem that triggered it, perhaps counselling would discover it.

I am slim too, my natural build, but about 2 years ago I developed various food issues (histamine and oxalate intolerances) that made it hard for me to eat anything without reacting to it. This put me off eating and I found my appetite dwindled away and I lost a lot of weight putting me in the underweight category. It's like I trained my body not to want food. I realised this was not good at all and began trying to put weight on again. It's so much harder than anyone realises! I had to find my appetite again and consciously try to eat a little more each day. I did manage it in the end, but it was a struggle for awhile. So I think even if your DH commits to gaining weight (and to be honest he doesn't sound committed at this point) he is going to have to try very hard, and will need plenty of help and encouragement. The desire must come from him, though.

It might be a good idea for him to have some kind of counselling to get to the bottom of the food issue, or if not, perhaps some frank conversations, but without blaming him in any way (I know you are terribly worried). Suggest seeing a doctor again (although they can be horribly unhelpful sometimes). The very large amount of coffee needs to go. Ideally the smoking as well as it's an appetite suppressant, but it may be too much to try to do that at the same time. Try to get him to commit to eating just another mouthful with each meal. Maybe discuss which foods he enjoys (does he seem to enjoy anything food-wise?).

I think you have quite a long road ahead OP and I do wish you both well. He needs to tackle this now before he gets much older.

My DH is similar, he smokes and drinks a lot of coffee and most weekends he will just have one meal. When he is away with work he will eat more, and if I cook making something and offer him some he will usually have a bit, but on the whole he has to be prompted that he should eat. He is a healthy weight and very active at work so thankfully I'm not too worried, but if he was underweight etc I can see why you are. I'm not really sure what the answer is, if he has been like this for ages then it might just be the way he is, but he needs to be aware that undereating over time can cause issues. Have you spoken to him bluntly about it? Yes he is an adult, but we don't always realise what our behaviour is like when it's such a habit.

I do think you need to back off - mak8mg fattening smoothies isn’t really the way to go

Ny nephew genuinely forgets to eat and isn’t that interesting g in eating (I didn’t know such people existed outside am eating disorder!)

He will eat of it’s something he likes and is reminded but doesn’t necessarily finish it

It’s just the way he is

The difference in the way men's disordered eating is viewed in comparison to women's is truly shocking. Can you imagine if the OP had been posting about herself, her daughter, her friend etc. and people had been giving advice such as cut back on the smoking, stop nagging them, leave it be etc..!!
Unbelievable.

He does sound as though he has an eating disorder. So much of what you describe sounds like avoidant behaviour, not just avoiding food but people. This is a very poor situation for your daughter to grow up in (including the constant smoking and never having any energy) and your husband must get help. You are not unreasonable to be concerned. However, be aware that your husband is very likely to deny, avoid and if necessary to manipulate and/or rage at you if you insist on him addressing his eating disorder. You must be prepared to do whatever is necessary to protect YOUR mental health and especially that of your daughter. I say this as an ED sufferer myself.

@milkysmum

The difference in the way men's disordered eating is viewed in comparison to women's is truly shocking. Can you imagine if the OP had been posting about herself, her daughter, her friend etc. and people had been giving advice such as cut back on the smoking, stop nagging them, leave it be etc..!! Unbelievable.

Completely agree. This thread is an eye opener.

I eat like that too OP - if I'm at work I don't eat anything, drink a few coffees. I don't eat much during the day now I'm wfh if I'm really busy either.

I do eat in the evening (more so now because I'm eating with the family, but when I'm at work I just snack in the evening if I miss the evening meal).

I don't think I have disordered eating. I'm not underweight - like your H I've put on weight while I've been at home because I'm eating more and walking less - but I just don't eat during the day. I'm not sure why you think he's disordered? Maybe he's just not interested in food.

The only difference is I don't smoke. Smoking can restrict your appetite but in any case I would be most worried about this if I were you.

Also stunned by the people saying leave him alone etc. He had an eating disorder, you cant leave him just because hes a man! Hes avoiding meal times, going whole days with out eating. Just because the OP says hes only slightly underweight according to BMI, BMI can be very misleading. For example I can be slightly overweight and actually still look very healthy. If I fall to the bottom half of my healthy weight, I am clearly underweight. People carry weight differently and the OP says her husbands weight is not good on him. I think he needs to talk to someone. He could do this via zoom right now.

Yeah - but eating disorders 101 - you don’t try to force feed an anorexic 🙄

Some of the responses are truly shocking. There is no way a female would get the same advice. Appalling

I think you come across as concerned cockcrowfarm and not interfering. I agree with other posters' suggestions that you contact BEAT as they have advice on supporting someone. I agree that there are plenty of people who are not interested in eating but you have noticed that he has lost weight in comparison with when you first knew each other. The dizziness and lack of energy do suggest that he is not eating enough. You mentioned the effects this is having on your sexual relationship so I do think it is important you find the right way to talk about your concerns.

My dh survives on coffee, vaping and then one big (admittedly healthy) meal followed by a few alcoholic drinks!

It's not ideal. He is slightly underweight but looks ok.

Though I understand what people are saying about a potential eating disorder/double standards for men and women, the truth is he IS an adult and you can't force another adult to do what you want. Nor - arguably - should yo, unless they are in dire straits and you stage some kind of intervention.

I would say the same if he was a coke addict or an alcoholic - as all spouses of addicts know, you simply cannot get people to change their habits by telling them why they should do so, it never works, they have to do it for themselves.

Another who is amazed at the responses.

You are 100 % right to be concerned, you aren't a nag, his weight is very low and he is setting himself up for a lot of health issues in old age.

If its simply he isn't interested he needs to get interested - if it's an eating disorder he needs to address it.

So he is near;y 9 stone and 5 foot 9. My children's father without thinking about it or trying got down to 9 stone (and is 5 foot 10). He then realised as he had just been too busy to eat much he should get it up and he got it up to 10 stone. His family live to over 90 and never sit still. The body type is probably pretty natural - they look like kalahari bushmen when naked.

One of my sons has often got very thin too - he and I last summer looked at how we both ate - he just doesn't seem to have the over eating gene and if he's busy food is a fuel and he says surely the default is you don't eat if you're busy. I think some people are just made differently from others. If more men were about 10 stone - we would not have so many NHS beds clogged up with obese people and costing a fortune and causing so much extra work for those poor NHS nurses.

However the husband here is slightly under weight so he should probably just eat a bit more or perhaps talk about whether he has a food problem or not. We as an animal are probably made for long periods of fasting and it could be the erst of us stuffing ourselves morning noon and night that have more of a problem and have normalised being fat. It is also cheaper to eat less!

Sorry I just read he has dizziness - in that case he should up his calories, perhaps try eating a lot of steaks with olive oil and some veg.

My DH has similar eating patterns OP. He is just not interested in food. Left to his own devices he’s live on Guinness and Kit-kats. However he is nearly 60 and the healthiest person I’ve ever met. He has never, ever had a day off work for illness so I just let him crack on in his own way now.

I should add that he is also a non-smoker - I doubt he would be as healthy if he weren’t.

You are 100 % right to be concerned, you aren't a nag, his weight is very low and he is setting himself up for a lot of health issues in old age. If it's an eating disorder he needs to address it.

This. It is important. Good luck, to you and him, OP.

Have you had a come to Jesus talk about the effects this could be having on his body, and long term consequences for your family? I think he needs to see his GP if you can get him there. If he’s not responding, something needs to change

I'm shocked at how many comments you've had saying to leave him to it. you have a child with this man - its understandable you want to keep him around to see DD grow up. also, whether it's an eating disorder or he does genuinely forget, this wouldnt be a healthy relationship with food for her to witness growing up

my aunt was like this with food, it affects my cousin still to this day. she believed, and still does to am extent, that it was normal to be very skinny and desirable. she held a lot of contempt for people who were larger.

not saying this is what will be the outcome for you but it's an example of how damaging a parents eating habits can be on a child.

contrary to others responses, for the sake of my child and the fact I wouldnt want his death/potential to get incredibly ill on my conscience, I'd actually get tougher.

the smoking is another issue - I think you do need to have an honest discussion about his health, the damaging impact is has on you and could have on your child in the future and more importantly himself. have you told him it has put you off sexually too? it seems incredibly harsh but might be the wake up call that is needed to get help. I certainly would not be doing what others are suggesting and sitting back letting him get on with it, certainly not when he has a child.

Wtf is wrong with some of you

Op, you are right to be concerned. That is not healthy at all. Obviously you will worry. Gosh, people in here can be very weird, but that might be because half an MN has serious issues with food and men...

You are his partner. Obviously you will worry and want to help. That does not make you his mum or him a spoilt child! It is how normal couples work. One looks like they have issues, the other tries to help. Except on MN...🤷🏻

Some people here should seriously be ashamed of themselves!

@cockcrowfarm He should get checked out. I know you say you don't have a regular doctor, but you should visit some. This can have long term effects too. There can be many ilnesses, including psychological, which can cause this type of eating issues lile the lack of appetite. It is concerning about his dizziness too. I am not sure how is provision for eating disorders there in case ot is that, but I am sure it's better than nothing.

Good luck!

My BMI before the kids was always around 17. Whenever I changed GP they re-did my bloods, checked thyroid function, etc. so perhaps this is something he may be willing to look into?

Unlike your DH though I ate constantly. I had to work at eating to keep my BMI as high as 17, so there is a subjective element to it all. From what you describe your DH may well have an eating disorder. It might be best to get professional advice on how to support him and encourage him to seek help for himself - perhaps from a decent website for relatives of people suffering from eating disorders?

I am quite surprised at some of the replies here. It is indeed disordered to not eat breakfast or lunch and only have dinner occasionally. If I ate like this my DH would be concerned, and vice versa. My DH is 71kg at the same height and he is a very slim man - I imagine your DH looks very thin. With the smoking on top you are right to be worried. Would he be more inclined to listen to a doctor or nutritionist about a balanced diet? Do you think he would be open to that?