Husband's disordered eating

[cockcrowfarm]

This isn't really a aibu, more wwyd, I'm posting for traffic.
My husband has very disordered eating. When he is at work he doesn't eat breakfast, rarely eats lunch and only eats dinner if it's a business meeting. He might eat a snack when he comes home at night when I'm usually asleep already with the baby. He survives the day drinking coffee.

Just before the lock down his weight was around 57kg for a 1.80meter man. I have made lots of suggestions and I'm ready to help him in any way. He agrees that there is a problem but doesn't do anything about it.

For example, I've made him smoothies with nuts, milk, fruit etc which he says taste good but he just doesn't finish it. Now, he is working from home, I can go into his room after a few hours and he's only taken a few sips. If I bring him snacks it's much the same.

We are staying at his parents house just now and his mum cooks good meals every day, a lot of meat and different vegetables. He eats a reasonable portion of it but I have to bring him to the table to eat. Today, I asked him to join us, he dissappeared for a cigarette and didn't come back. I ate with the family and then went to get him and he said he forgot and came down to eat alone. The food was really nice and he said he would leave me some since it was vegetarian, I am in no need for extra portions at the moment! In the evening I made the baby her meal and I always eat something with her, I had rice crackers, cream cheese and salad. My husband ate two apricots.

Before I had put it down to stress in work and he has a busy job but now there is less going on and he is home with good food on offer daily. He has put on a few kilos and definitely looks healthier. He says he would like to weigh 70kg but he does nothing about it. We have discussed some options, this is a long term goal and he has to slowly increase his daily calories. We read through lists online of healthy foods that help to put on weight nut, milk, cream, olive oil etc and he says he likes to eat them all but doesn't make any effort to do it.

I'm looking for long term solutions, I don't expect him to bulk up in a month. Even if he would have two digestives and a glass of milk extra, it so little effort I just can't understand why he won't do it for his health. Before lock down I had already asked him to discuss it with a doctor because I want him to realise how serious it is. He is 48 years old, these habits as well as smoking are very dangerous. As well as the damage he is doing to his organs the lack of body fat means if he ever even gets ill he will be in a bad way.

Compared to that it seems quite frivolous to say as well that it is a big turn off for me sexually, first of all the behaviour that he won't care for himself and secondly that he looks like a skeleton and doesn't have much energy.
Thanks for reading this long post. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to help?

I think yes in the long term you're right to be worried, and it's probably only a matter of time before it has a detrimental effect. However, I think you're banging your head up against a brick wall. I had the opposite problem with OH (he's not grossly overweight, and don't smoke) but I was thinking along health lines in trying to get him to alter his diet. I started trying this years ago plus would have made my life easier as I like to eat healthy. Imo, he eats too many unhealthy snacks, and drinks too much. We are older and no young children, but the principle is still the same - he wouldn't/won't/cannot change, so I gave up trying.

Just thought I'd mention there is another antidepressant Mirtazapine which can help with weight gain in anorexia as it stimulates appetite as well. (I have read)

OP my DH is quite similar. It gets worse under stress so wonder if this current situation and work stress might be making yours worse. Eating disorders often seem to be about control. / lack of control

Mine is 52, and has crohns disease which complicates things. Think it makes eating painful at times. However eats more when less stressed. But in his case he does want to be thin, is worried about fat, and his family all pretty much seem the same even his dad who is in his 70s.

I'm not sure why - but anyway just thought i would post as I saw some similarities in your post and in a male of the similar age.

I have no advice I'm fared as I looked into eating disorders and it said not to try and nag / feed them as it can make it worse. I just try and challenge it if they say things about being / feeling fat, however yours doesn't seem to do that anyway.

^^ what that says all the way OP

You are right to be worried.

It is highly likely that your H has an eating disorder, and he needs help. Restricting his intake of food to the point where he lacks energy, is physically unwell after having a normal sized meal, and has caused an issue in his marriage means he is invested in restricted eating for some reason that is both irrational and strong. He is overriding a natural and healthy human instinct every day.

Are you aware of any trauma in your H's childhood or teen years? Has it ever crossed your mind that he is hiding something traumatic? Controlling size and defying and denying their hunger can give some people a sense of control over their world that they lacked earlier in their lives.

Sorry that was ages ago forgot to post.
It was @Lynda07 post. Leave the guy alone you're probably making it worse OP.
I'm a grazer and hate people persisting that I eat when I don't feel like it. But boy do I eat when I do feel like it
Call it disordered eating if you will. 🤷

He sounds like me to be honest. I don't eat breakfast and very often don't eat anything for lunch. I'll eat an evening meal (average portion I would say), but I don't eat because I enjoy it, I eat it because at that point in time I need to for fuel.

To be honest I don't enjoy food, I guess you could call it functional eating, I'm wondering if he's the same?

I've been told I range from skinny to slim. Not sure what I weigh, but probably no more than him.

DH worked in the US where fresh coffee was on all day in the office and he drank several cups a day as a habit. But while your DH is at home can you switch him to decaffeinated? Or good quality tea? And suggest vaping instead of smoking.
Is his job very stressful? Can he afford to change jobs?
Perhaps you could speak to his GP and see if they have advice.
He works all day, sleeps til lunchtime at weekends, risks shortening his life severely with smoking and little exercise, see little of his DD. I think I would discuss these things with him and not the eating which he will have to make a decision on himself.

Being slim is part of 'the way he is', he always has and always will be slim. But he isn't eating enough to sustain his weight. He isn't healthy skinny, he has sleeping issues and in our free time gets lethargic very easily and I mentioned before about him getting dizzy and a feeling not well after having a meal at the weekends together. HIs BMI is just slightly over 17, according to NHS.uk under 18.5 suggests a problem. I know that BMI is not accurate for a lot of people but he is definitely underweight because his ribs and spine are sticking out and his face is gaunt. I do appreciate all the people telling me that it's just his normal and I should get used to it but this is not the answer.

You mention he is travelling to China, do you think this current situation could be making him more stressed / work stress perhaps? I ask as mine seems to get worse with stress.

@stellabelle Ido not mother him, I am concerned about him. He is not healthy. I smoked to until I became pregnant. The only thing i ask is that he brush his teeth before playing with the baby. Like most smokers he knows he should quit but i never have a go at him over it.

@Monty27 In norma working life I don't see him at meal times but I know he works through or at most buys something from starbucks. Our meals are alway different dishes served on the table that he can help himself to, no one else is putting anything on his plate. He eats a plateful when he's at the table or if we go to a restaurant. But he doesnt eat regularly and he doesn't eat enough to sustain his weight.Pictures of him from four or five years ago he is slim but looks fine, now his business suits hang off him.

OP, Mumsnet doesn’t understand Eating Disorders. There is a lot of competitive under eating here and lack of education regarding Eating Disorders.

You aren’t going to find reliable advice here. Contact Beat, the Eating Disorders charity.

Your dh’s BMI is bordering on anorexic but BMI is not the main issue. It’s possible to be very ill at a ‘healthy’ weight.

Can your DH understand the impact on your dc as they grow up? Will that motivate him to see the GP? Unfortunately a lot of non-specialist professionals don’t understand Eating Disorders either, the available support depends very much where you live.

There may be private help in your area.

I would say don’t normalise this for your dh but don’t get into battles about individual meals either.

You’re very right to be concerned. Mathanxiety’s post is good.

@Orangeblossom78 That sounds quite familiar it's definitely related to not dealing with stress effectively. I think there are very possibly elements of control about it. I am sure posters are going to jump on this saying I'm food obsessed and it's me who has a disorder! But I posted a few months ago about my MIL feeding my baby too forcefully. She herself isn't abnormal overweight but her portion sizes are out of control. I think a psychoanalysis would do well to check this route.

OP does he have dental issues? It's really hard to eat for many reasons. Talk to him. I weigh 52kg I'm 5'3". Even my GP watches my weight. How tall is he?
Has he had good medical supervision? Could be thyroid problems or stress related not necessarily an eating disorder.
I'm trying to describe from the other side if that makes sense.
I appreciate your concerns

OP there are health benefits to fasting (Google 'autophagy' read the 'Delay don't Deny' book). It might make you feel better if you know about the cell renewal and internal healing going on - it won't seem like a completely negative situation. But if he's underweight and not getting adequate nutrition, that's another matter of course.
If he can lose the smoking habit he's likely to find his appetite. It's hard for you, because he needs to want to change.

@Jeremyironsnothing It could be a symptom of a bigger problem. I would like him to speak to a doctor, more so after reading some of these posts but I am not sure if he is ready for that.

Hmm, wel I think when i once posted on here about DH I got that same response (it was me with an issue) Then, I found from his family there is a history of eating disorders there. (in general)

Anyway, oh yes over feeding can be part of it too, we also get this with MIL, often people with anorexia like to feed others. / cook for them.

I'm not sure what to suggest further as I. too am flummoxed to how to deal with DH. or help him.

The things I have found is he is a bit better when less stressed. Once he said he felt really dizzy and I said maybe his blood sugar might be a bit low and might help to eat. I have also said encouraging things about eating more protein might help and that older men can lose muscle mass without enough eating of that.

Mine is more complex though as has the IBD too and how much that plays into it, as he says eating can be painful. It;s a complex issue and I wish you all the luck with it.

So, as you mention, possibly dealing with the root cause of the stress could help? Maybe ask if there is something worrying him...

If he quits smoking, it's likely his appetite will increase, not to mention increased energy etc. I work with COPD patients and the underweight ones are very difficult to manage, increased risk of complications from infections etc. I wouldn't nag him about the food, just provide healthy options as you are doing. But do try and get him to seek support for quitting smoking, he is much more likely to stop with proper support. And to keep trying, one of the attempts will stick. Good luck.

@GenderWang You said a lot of things that ring true with us too. I am so sorry to hear your story, this is the worst thing I can imagine. My father had throat cancer too and wasted away in agony. My husband doesn't have reserves to fight anything so I feel he is at more risk too. Totally independently from me his mum seems to have spoken to a pharmacist and got some sort of pills, I can't understand their language or writing so I am not sure exactly what they are but its some kind of antidepressant, probably herbal or not strong medication. He takes them without having to be prompted. Thank you for your post.

@mathanxiety There could be some triggers as his country was unstable when he was growing up, this could definitely upset a sensitive child. As far as I know there aren't any direct traumas or events.

What bizarre responses!
It's almost as if the OP shouldn't be concerned that her life partner and father of her baby is making choices that will shorten his life/result in her being his carer due to chronic illness.

OP you do seem focussed on his weight and I can understand why but the bigger concern for me is nutrition. On that diet he will be malnourished in a way that 2 digestives and a glass of milk won't help with. He's potentially at risk of problems like osteoporosis (rare in men) and his vitamin and mineral levels and essential fatty acid intake for nerve function will be minimal. Combined with the oxidative damage from smoking he's likely at risk of chronic disease.

Have you discussed nutrition rather than weight with him? He certainly has disordered eating but unless he recognises it's a problem it is unlikely to change.

@PhilCornwall1 I get your meaning. Before I got pregnant I never ate breakfast and sometimes skip lunch and eat a normal dinner or even lite dinner as I was mostly living alone. In a normal week before covid a few times a week he would grab a snack from starbucks and he would only eat dinner if it was a business meeting (one or twice a week). I don't usually see him in the evening sometimes he will eat a snack if there is something handy. At the weekend We have a meal in a restaurant around 4 or 5pm, maybe a snack at night and that is all.

It's an eating disorder. Men get anorexia too. It's not exclusively a female illness. Sadly men with it get ignored.
Any weight gain needs to be carefully controlled. The body at low weights consumes muscle, the heart is muscle so you mustn't do anything to put it under any strain.
You need to see a healthcare professional, soon.