Husband's disordered eating

[cockcrowfarm]

This isn't really a aibu, more wwyd, I'm posting for traffic.
My husband has very disordered eating. When he is at work he doesn't eat breakfast, rarely eats lunch and only eats dinner if it's a business meeting. He might eat a snack when he comes home at night when I'm usually asleep already with the baby. He survives the day drinking coffee.

Just before the lock down his weight was around 57kg for a 1.80meter man. I have made lots of suggestions and I'm ready to help him in any way. He agrees that there is a problem but doesn't do anything about it.

For example, I've made him smoothies with nuts, milk, fruit etc which he says taste good but he just doesn't finish it. Now, he is working from home, I can go into his room after a few hours and he's only taken a few sips. If I bring him snacks it's much the same.

We are staying at his parents house just now and his mum cooks good meals every day, a lot of meat and different vegetables. He eats a reasonable portion of it but I have to bring him to the table to eat. Today, I asked him to join us, he dissappeared for a cigarette and didn't come back. I ate with the family and then went to get him and he said he forgot and came down to eat alone. The food was really nice and he said he would leave me some since it was vegetarian, I am in no need for extra portions at the moment! In the evening I made the baby her meal and I always eat something with her, I had rice crackers, cream cheese and salad. My husband ate two apricots.

Before I had put it down to stress in work and he has a busy job but now there is less going on and he is home with good food on offer daily. He has put on a few kilos and definitely looks healthier. He says he would like to weigh 70kg but he does nothing about it. We have discussed some options, this is a long term goal and he has to slowly increase his daily calories. We read through lists online of healthy foods that help to put on weight nut, milk, cream, olive oil etc and he says he likes to eat them all but doesn't make any effort to do it.

I'm looking for long term solutions, I don't expect him to bulk up in a month. Even if he would have two digestives and a glass of milk extra, it so little effort I just can't understand why he won't do it for his health. Before lock down I had already asked him to discuss it with a doctor because I want him to realise how serious it is. He is 48 years old, these habits as well as smoking are very dangerous. As well as the damage he is doing to his organs the lack of body fat means if he ever even gets ill he will be in a bad way.

Compared to that it seems quite frivolous to say as well that it is a big turn off for me sexually, first of all the behaviour that he won't care for himself and secondly that he looks like a skeleton and doesn't have much energy.
Thanks for reading this long post. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to help?

Wow, I'm so surprised at some of the responses on here. Men can and do suffer from eating disorders and this certainly sounds extreme. My sister is an eating disorder therapist and says she has males at all ages and as young as 7 yo who develop anorexia and bulimia. The reasons are complex. But eating disorders can, and do, kill and seriously harm their victims if they go on for years untreated. I can't believe the OP is getting flack for being worried - can you imaginethe responses if the sex was reversed!! I think this case warrants the intervention of a GP and an eating disorder specialist at the very, very least

Men can have anorexia too, and it's not a matter of wanting to be thin. This must be so hard for you! I can only imagine the frustration. He needs to see a doctor, but I doubt he will and if he does, will he tell them the truth? Sorry I can't think of anything more helpful but I totally understand your concern.

You have a baby together and people here are still saying it's not your business whether he has an eating disorder and to let him be.

I wonder what people would think of a mother with an eating disorder who consistently behaved in a disordered way around food while in view of a child.

@IamAporcupine Thank you, I feel that it is true what you say for whatever personal reason he has he does not really want to be 70kg. He does make excuses to himself as well, it's very frustrating and upsetting. I don't need him to be 70kg at all, I just want him to eat two meals and have enough energy to work and do some activities with us at the weekend.

I have mentioned that to him and he says he doesn't want to be so thin so it can't be true ...

You need to try to make him understand that that isn’t the deciding factor.

Can you put it to him that there are eating disorders beyond the famous three (anorexia, bulimia, binge eating)? And that body dysmorphia isn’t a prerequisite for diagnosis with disordered eating?

@ArriettyJones I looked before for some information on this, especially related to men but I didn't find anything that was really correct for his situation. Do you have any link to information you can recommend? I think this can help him to think about the problem. He can't imagine that he has an eating disorder because in his mind that's the three that you mentioned.

Start here;

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/do-i-have-an-eating-disorder

Good luck.

@cockcrowfarm - sorry I cannot help more, unfortunately, but if you ever need to talk you can PM me.

ED are so so difficult to approach and deal with. There is a lot of lying as well which does not help.
My view is that (most of) those with an ED do know what they are doing, but they build up this world of excuses and reasons to 'explain' why they behave the way they do.

@ QuoteFujexa We are in his home country now so it would be a good time for him to go and see a doctor. I don't know how that appointment would go, I don't know if he can see how he is behaving never mind explain it to someone else. Now, he is still very thin but after three months at his parents house he definitely looks more healthy and doesn't have ribs sticking out so much any more so the doctor probably wouldn't be overly worried. We live in China and soon he will go back there for work without me and our daughter and the weight loss will start again.

@ArriettyJones @IamAporcupine Thank you

IamAporcupine

@Disquieted1 - would you say the same if he was self-harming?"

If he were mainlining heroin would I also say "He's a 48 year old adult, let him be."

Well of course not.

My partner is also a little underweight so I get what you're saying completely.

He never eats snacks.

Re the smoking, can't he try vaping instead? It's much less harmful

Apologies if I've been a bit flippant.
I do think that some people are predisposed to be fat or thin or obese or skinny and none of them is wrong. It's just how people are.
In the specific case discussed, he's 48 years old and according to his mother and partner he's always been this way. Maybe this is just the way he is and there is no disorder to be addressed.

I am much smaller and never smoked but can relate to your hubby. I don't have and have never had an eating disorder but used to eat very little. If I was a few minutes past my eating time, that was it. I felt full/ok. If I ate one or two crisps (not pack. Individual crisps) and paused, that was it. My body signalled full. I would not eat breakfast or lunch n would still forget to eat supper at times. Sometimes chewing just tired me or bored me ( not sure how to put it). I'm only 152cm but my weight would range from 39kg (once even less) to 46kg if I was lucky. First time I got 48 kg was when I first got pregnant.
There was nothing anyone could say to change me because it wasn't done on purpose. I eat normally now largely because my partner always insisted on breakfast, lunch and dinner together. He didn't focus on my habits although he occasionally referred to them. He just focused on the joy of eating together. Also I started experimenting with cooking different cuisines which led to me having to taste then eating. Breakfast remained a struggle until recently. Then I could have toast or natural yoghurt. Since last month (pregnant now), I eat a bowl of cereal most times I must also say through all this, I enjoyed eating. Even if it was just one crisp. It wasn't that I detested food. And am very body secure (I don't give a damn about my shape, weight, stripes
Does he have siblings? What kind of eaters are they? Over the years I noted a few of my siblings are extremely slow eaters or little eaters. It's as if it's genetic lol
Strangely I had more energy then than now. Go figure.
Not much use but I guess what am trying to say is you are not alone but eating together with focus on the companionship rather than food could be helpful.
Sadly the on your part, smoking is bad as well and can suppress appetite, and can be quite hard to quit. Good luck

@Disquieted1 - yes, it might be the way thay he is, but there are a few signs in what OP is saying that make me feel he is not just a thin person, or a person who does not eat much, but someone who is on purpose, avoiding food/eating.

Who goes for a cigarette at dinner time and 'forgets to come back'?

If he has got to 48 and isn't bothered about this, I'd back off and leave him alone. Even the smoking is, really, his choice and it won't necessarily kill him or make him ill. My ex is in his 70's, skinny as a rake and a heavy smoker. Still healthy and looking after his 4 young grandchildren every day . I'd let your DH alone , mothering him isn't going to make a bit of difference.

Also, just to complicate things, EDs are not always associated with being unhealthy - my DH is in very good shape, trains everyday and is, I am sure, healthier than many, yet his eating is totally disordered.

@FrameyMcFrame Do you get what the OP is saying because it doesn’t seem like it.

People, both men and women, can have eating disorders their whole lives. He sounds like he eats just enough to stop himself entirely collapsing/drawing attention to his disorder, but in no way engages with getting healthier or putting on weight. This is a long-term entrenched behaviour, and it may carry some health risks depending just how thin he's prepared to get. Also the heavy smoking may suppress his appetite- or he may like smoking precisely for this reason, the two aren't mutually exclusive. He's just not being honest, I don't think, about what's going on. He would need help from someone specializing in men and eating disorders.

It doesn't make a difference that he's 48 and not a teen, if anything, his heavy smoking, and his underweight frame, mean he will be impacted, health-wise over time, for example, he might need a medical check over as a starting point to make sure he's fine in terms of eating enough nutrients and that his heart is working fine.

One snack a day is not enough food for anyone, let alone a grown man, and that's the fear when he goes back to work alone.

There's nothing worse than someone telling you to eat your greens etc as an adult. From personal experience. It's off putting at a dinner table knowing you are being monitored.
I'd rather have a cigarette too and snack later

Dish up very small portions or let him help himself to food rather than being presented with a plate of food which may be off putting.

Sleeping till mid day when you have a very young baby does seem to be unreasonable. Not being there at mealtimes is also not really on. He does sound rather self centred. Is this all connected in some way to his mental well being?

cockcrowfarm you have my sympathies - I have been there and you are right to be worried.

As others have said, the smoking and coffee-drinking will be suppressing his appetite. The incident where he went out for a smoke before a meal then "forgot" to come in to eat is very telling.

I managed to persuade my DH to see his GP about his mood and he agreed to try taking Prozac. However, the GP said that he was too underweight for medication and would need to put some on before she could prescribe.

(Please everyone, no replies banging on about Prozac, this is not the time and place!)

However, he was only able to put on some weight (plus his skin cleared up, he was not clinically anaemic, etc. etc.) about a year later. This was when he was being fed a special liquid diet by nasogastric tube after radiotherapy for throat cancer.

He was in his late 40's and had a terrible time with the radiotherapy. The radiologist said that, due to his lifetime poor diet, his body responded as he would expect a man in his 90's.

He started on Prozac after he came off the NG tube - he was still pretty much skin & bone but had put on enough weight. His mood lifted, his general anxiety decreased and he did manage to eat a little more, eat a little more often and actually started to enjoy food a little.

(BTW - NOBODY else was aware that he had problems with depression or anxiety as he hid this very well. He had been subjected to extreme physical, sexual and psychological abuse when he was in his teens, kept this hidden and had had no help dealing with the after-effects.)

His story ends when he was 50 and it was not a happy ending. A malnourished body ages early, lacks resistance to infections and carcinogens and cannot repair itself.

I did everything that I could think of to try to help but it was not enough and not soon enough to make a difference.

I hope you can find a way to persuade your DH to get help. When you love someone, whether it is a parent, a child, a parter or a friend, it is heartbreaking to see them go through this

The fact that you have a baby together, maybe that might be a way in to help him to confront the issue and do something about it? That you are worried about how you would manage if he was taken from you, that you are that worried about his health?

If you can get him to see a doctor, do go with him. You need to hear from the doctor yourself how much his weight and diet are a cause for concern. It might be that you are worrying unnecessarily but, from what you have said, it does not sound unreasonable.

You are right to be worried this is a very unhealthy way to live and you have a DC together.

It sounds as though he needs professional assistance with breaking his patterns of behaviour. Can you/he access professional counselling? Would he do it?