Husband's disordered eating

[cockcrowfarm]

This isn't really a aibu, more wwyd, I'm posting for traffic.
My husband has very disordered eating. When he is at work he doesn't eat breakfast, rarely eats lunch and only eats dinner if it's a business meeting. He might eat a snack when he comes home at night when I'm usually asleep already with the baby. He survives the day drinking coffee.

Just before the lock down his weight was around 57kg for a 1.80meter man. I have made lots of suggestions and I'm ready to help him in any way. He agrees that there is a problem but doesn't do anything about it.

For example, I've made him smoothies with nuts, milk, fruit etc which he says taste good but he just doesn't finish it. Now, he is working from home, I can go into his room after a few hours and he's only taken a few sips. If I bring him snacks it's much the same.

We are staying at his parents house just now and his mum cooks good meals every day, a lot of meat and different vegetables. He eats a reasonable portion of it but I have to bring him to the table to eat. Today, I asked him to join us, he dissappeared for a cigarette and didn't come back. I ate with the family and then went to get him and he said he forgot and came down to eat alone. The food was really nice and he said he would leave me some since it was vegetarian, I am in no need for extra portions at the moment! In the evening I made the baby her meal and I always eat something with her, I had rice crackers, cream cheese and salad. My husband ate two apricots.

Before I had put it down to stress in work and he has a busy job but now there is less going on and he is home with good food on offer daily. He has put on a few kilos and definitely looks healthier. He says he would like to weigh 70kg but he does nothing about it. We have discussed some options, this is a long term goal and he has to slowly increase his daily calories. We read through lists online of healthy foods that help to put on weight nut, milk, cream, olive oil etc and he says he likes to eat them all but doesn't make any effort to do it.

I'm looking for long term solutions, I don't expect him to bulk up in a month. Even if he would have two digestives and a glass of milk extra, it so little effort I just can't understand why he won't do it for his health. Before lock down I had already asked him to discuss it with a doctor because I want him to realise how serious it is. He is 48 years old, these habits as well as smoking are very dangerous. As well as the damage he is doing to his organs the lack of body fat means if he ever even gets ill he will be in a bad way.

Compared to that it seems quite frivolous to say as well that it is a big turn off for me sexually, first of all the behaviour that he won't care for himself and secondly that he looks like a skeleton and doesn't have much energy.
Thanks for reading this long post. Has anyone been in a similar situation? What can I do to help?

My biggest advice would be, to get him to the GP and hopefully he can get his head straight. Nobody can gain weight and change their eating habits or cut down or give up smoking while they're head is not it it. It may be that with the right diagnosis, talking therapy or groups, medication etc. he does not need other interventions anymore as is in the right place to make changes him self. The GP may also be able to check for any vitamin and mineral deficiencies or underlying health conditions (thyroid?) as well as prescribe supplements and supplemental drinks. Some nutrient deficiencies can cause lack of appetite, and can also effect sleep. There are many I'm sure but magnesium springs to mind.

He must like a skeleton, i'm 12cm shorter than him and when I got to that weight people started to ask if i was ill!! I think some people genuinely have small appetites and aren't interested in food as a pleasurable thing, it's almost a chore that they have to eat to survive. I think it's like loosing weight, he's got to want to do and it sounds like you're willing to support him and have all the right tactics to do so when he's ready to make that decision.

The dizziness and lethargy could also be iron deficiency anemia or B12 deficiency anemia. These can be treated with medication or even blood transfusions. It sound like he would be a prime candidate for being low in either

@TheProvincialLady Thank you for your advice. I am not judging him and I am doing my best to stay balanced the times we have spoken. I know any measure of recovery is slow and ultimately down to him. There are quite a few things he has denied in the past or made excuses for apart from that I think he has also got very used to this way of life. He has never been a big eater but i seems to have got worse in the last 8-10 years. It may be a coping mechanism related to his divorce, living alone in a foreign country and work stress.

My concern would be his influence in your child when they start to be aware of his eating habits. Whilst I have disordered eating too - I am fully aware of my issues about withholding food, enjoying hunger pangs etc, when my son was a child, I was very careful about my behaviour with food.
He is a very healthy eater and a rugby playing adult now, but it could have been different.

@sandiecheeks

Ok in that respect he's not like me, I must have glossed over the subsequent comments where his dizzyness was mentioned.

I suppose I get defensive about things like this because Its draining being the person being badgered about how I eat.

@sixthtimelucky

My dh survives on coffee, vaping and then one big (admittedly healthy) meal followed by a few alcoholic drinks!

It's not ideal. He is slightly underweight but looks ok.

Though I understand what people are saying about a potential eating disorder/double standards for men and women, the truth is he IS an adult and you can't force another adult to do what you want. Nor - arguably - should yo, unless they are in dire straits and you stage some kind of intervention.

I would say the same if he was a coke addict or an alcoholic - as all spouses of addicts know, you simply cannot get people to change their habits by telling them why they should do so, it never works, they have to do it for themselves.

I have never tried to force anything on him! He does not eat one good meal a day, I have no problem with that, that was pretty much my own eating pattern until pregnancy. I did regular sport too and maintained a slim but healthy weight. He is underweight and around 10 kg from the ideal weight range where the body functions optimally. Before I met him he collapsed on the metro coming home from work and when I have been with him in the supermarket he has had to sit down as his head was spinning. This does not look ok. I am sadly very aware that I can't just tell him to eat healthily and we will all be fine tomorrow.

I get badgered by a so called friend of mine about not eating breakfast and lunch and it gets fucking annoying, yes "joyce" you go and shove that biscuit in your mouth because thats your decision

Sounds like you have a totally healthy relationship with food. Or not.

Eating disorder. I would guess it comes from his mum being a 'feeder', which would also explain why it has got worse since you moved in with her.
My mother was pushy with food and it led me to be quite controlling about what and when and how much I ate, to this day I still hate anyone else plating up meals for me.

TBH, it sounds like he has some kind of anorexia. The ‘going for a cigarette’ just before a meal and then ‘forgetting’ are classic food avoidance. The smoking might be suppressing his appetite or, more likely, he’s purposely smoking in order to suppress his appetite.

It’s hard to make suggestions because people with eating disorders can be very defensive and ‘attacking’ them can entrench their behaviour. But I’d have a chat with him, keep the tone casual and not accusing, talk about health rather than weight primarily. Also talk about setting an example for your DC. Set very small goals to start with but make sure they’re fulfilled every day eg having a small breakfast - very small to start with. Then gradually try to increase his food intake very slowly.

Suggest too that he considers cutting right down on the smoking and reducing his coffee intake. Again, talk about health not weight or anything accusatory.

If he’s very resistant to changing, then would be the time to gently raise the topic of disordered eating.

My 9 stone (mre often 10 stone (63kg) ) husband never had that kind of fainting thing and is just a very slim build so it does sound in your case as if some kind of problem exists. I remember at 9 stone (57kg) he realised he was below healthy weight so just ate a bit more. I think that is very different from your husband. My sons (adult) are about 66kg (10 and a half stone ish) which seems optimal and very healthy and fit.

I hope this can be helpful: Your post made me think of the man in this episode of Supersize vs Superskinny - he just didn't have time or interest in eating, but you can see how much his life and energy improves when he realizes, and starts to eat more (and he also makes some other changes in his life):

But if the dizziness is a frequent occurrence, he needs to speak to a GP and get advice from an eating disorder charity. He does sound on the edge of being ill.

@Ploughingthrough Thank you. 71 kg for this height is also thin, I'm amazed that people think it is ok for a 6 foot man to weigh less than 60kg! (9 stone 4). I am fairly slim myself and at five foot seven that is even quite a low weight for me. I think it would help him if someone with a white coat on told him the same but sine we live in a different country that is another thing that is easy to avoid. The next time we have an opportunity to talk I am going to bring up having a general medical before going back.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines

I can’t say I’m surprised by the ignorance on here. It’s AIBU after all.

He absolutely needs to be assessed for an ED. Sounds like he’s been chronically under eating for a long time.

The fact that he ‘looks ok’ is completely irrelevant. Long term undereating can cause health problems.

Any teenage girl or adult woman with these eating habits would be a cause for concern.

Advice to back off until he seeks help is woefully misguided: if you left anorexics until they sought help, many never would.

@Monty27 I checked on NHS BMI calculator, 21 is slim and healthy www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-weight/bmi-calculator/

It’s ok for posters to say ‘get off his back’ leave him alone’ but it’s a life concern for the OP

The same for partners who are obese.

It’s ridiculous that weight should always be a topic never to be discussed.

He has got an eating disorder and his life could be at risk. It’s also effecting the relationship sexually.

OP I’d be quite honest with him and ask him to seek counselling for the benefit of your family.

Those saying they drink coffee all day then go home and eat one big meal- that's fine if your body can cope with that and you are maintaining a healthy weight. The Op's husband is NOT SIMILAR, he does not eat a healthy meal at home, and he is not maintaining his weight, moreoever, when given an opportunity to eat, he actively avoids it. His weight is very low for his height, underweight and she fears will drop even further. He already has health issues relating to this, and is dizzy/collapsing as a consequence. He may have nutritional deficiencies.

I think the problem, which you already know, OP, is that your husband is in denial- and all this talk of 'putting on a bit of weight' and goal weights isn't addressing the fact that this is entrenched psychologically driven behaviour for him. He isn't 'forgetting to eat' every single moment of the day, he's got in a pattern of not eating that makes eating harder and he wants to stay like this.

I don't know what you can do other than try to have a franker chat which isn't about him drinking a smoothie or eating more as a family (as he will promise to do these things and then not do them), but that you think he has a problem with food and needs support for that. Also, is he on anti-depressants? You don't seem to know and so that must make it hard (language barrier) when you are not in your own home country.

@IdblowJonSnow

Agree he has an eating disorder. Would he agree to start with his GP or to get specialist counselling? Is his mum worried too? How is your husband in himself? Does he engage with you and your child? It's good he has put a little weight on.

Yes, his mum is worried about him and it upsets her too. Since covid we have been staying at his parents for almost three months he plays with her in the evenings and has some small interactions in the day time (hi is working from home). In our normal life he won't see her much during the week and then has long lie ins at the weekend because he is exhausted, so not too much.

Also just because someone is like that for a long time doesn't mean it's 'natural' for them, I have known two women with long term eating disorders into their 50's, they manage somehow to be just weighing enough to survive and live, but are constantly controlling their food and exercise regimes, in very obsessive ways. It does affect you health-wise, depending on if you are nutritionally deficient as well as making it hard for emotional relationships. This is Big Stuff Op and hard for you if you also have a history of ED earlier in your life. That's why I'd get yourself some support in this situation (counselling for yourself).

If you're in China is it the purification of the wet markets following COVID-19? The fear of eating?

@3LittleMonkeyz

Regarding eating disorders, that they are all about wanting to look thin is a myth. Yes that can be a factor, but some people do it to feel in control of their lives and environments and living off coffee, cigarettes and no food gives people a "high" where if they eat it kind of bottoms then out and all their energy disappears. Also it can be as much about wanting to feel light as look thin. Especially with men, they can really want to look bigger as it's seen as more attractive by others, but also become trapped in a compulsion to eat less and control their eating. Anorexia is not all waif like models wanting to fit into a size zero. It is mostly by people who feel out of control of their life, emotions and/or weight. It's a mental illness. It isn't logical to some body who does not have the eating disorder.

I think it is something about the buzz of nervous energy that not eating gives. He probably feels that he is functioning better and more efficiently but in reality this is just fueling anxiety levels and escalating the problem.

@SonEtLumiere

Hope you are nowhere near of people with MH issues or god forbid self harming ones.

There is a point when people just can't be helped and partner would me more than entitled to leave, but this isn't it. There wasn't even a really proper discussion yet.