They are ginger get over it!

[CarrotCakeCrumbs]

I have NC for this. I am so angry at the moment, and fed up, and aware that things could be so much worse and that with everything else that is happening it really doesn't matter in the long run and it really is so petty and ridiculous. However here I am seething because some people are just pig ignorant.

My bf to his knowledge has nobody ginger in his family, infact they are all very adamant that there are no ancestors with ginger hair whatsoever. And yet our two daughters are very, very ginger (as am I). Our eldest is 4.5, our youngest is turning 1 this month. Their hair is unlikely to change. The amount of comments I have had from multiple members of my bfs family has gone beyond a joke now.

Ever since my eldest was born I have had the following comments about both children:
"She's not ginger" - in a voice that implies being ginger would be such a horrific thing to be 🙄
"Oh I think her hair is changing it isn't as red" or "she's losing her redness!" - said in a hopeful voice
"She's turning a shade of beetroot" - in a disappointed voice (also why beetroot??? There are 1000's of lovely ways to describe red hair - beetroot is not one of them 🤬)
"Red hair means crap blood" - eh no...and many more comments.

Every single time we see them, without fail, someone will make at least one comment on our childrens hair. I don't even know why it is such a shock to them - I am ginger! (They do also like to pretend that my children get absolutely none of their traits from me but that's a whole other thread). They wouldn't comment on their hair if it was blonde, or brunette!

I was bullied horrifically through school because of my hair colour, and I am determined that my girls will be proud of theirs. But I feel like I might be fighting a losing battle when certain members of their own family so clearly don't like it.

My boyfriend thinks I am over reacting and that I should just ignore it, but why should I? And why should our daughters have to ignore it? What gives people the right to comment on a hair colour that you are born with and can't bloody change! (I mean you can't change it as a child - I am well aware that adults can dye their hair as I did for years and now my hair is back to it's natural colour but destroyed beyond repair).

Am I being unreasonable to tell people to just not comment on their hair, that it is ginger and they have had almost 5 years to get used to that fact and it is not likely to change any time soon. Or just start making derogatory comments on their appearance when they make the negative comments.

I really do not understand the negativity around ginger hair.

It's the more unusual of the natural hair colours and stands out. People love pointing out minorities and ostracizing those who display them. Being ginger is not a protected characteristic so they feel justified in bullying people for it as much as they jolly well please.

I really don't get it at all. I love red/ginger hair. I teach some absolutely lovely redheads (and blondes and brunettes too, obviously), on team building day the redheads were all bonding over being the 'ginger force', so cute.

I also know people that go to a lot of effort and expense to colour their hair red, I sort of thought we were over the 'ginger hate' that happened in my school days. (I'm a boring dirty blonde these days, though was very blonde as a child, I used to dye my hair dark in my 20's because I didn't like the 'dizzy' stereotype)

I think ginger hair is beautyful! 😊

my dh and ds are red haired.

For years ds HATED his red hair, and was bullied in primary school for it. He was pretty much the only red head in the school.

When he went to secondary, there were loads of them, and no-one at all made comments. There is some banter type stuff, but it is not negative in the same way.

He is now 17 and girls seem to think he is good looking, so he is less bothered by it.

I think you need to stop this now OP.
I can think of a few ways, depending on your personality:

1. every time they make comments, make a comment about their appearance. If/when they get upset, you act innocent and say - but you make comments about the girls hair, so I assume you were OK with personal comments about appearance!
2. Tell them. Go am meet them and say - tis is really upsetting me. It is undermining my girls, and to be honest it is also undermining me as I also have red hair. Please stop.
3. send then photos of famous people with red hair. Eveyr time the are negative, send a pic - isn't XX gorgeous, their hair really suit sthem doesn't it?
4. When they comment, challenge - not on what they say, but that they said it - so they say something and you say - why do you think it is ok to make nasty comments about their hair? if they shrug it off, pursue - no really, why is it ok to make nasty comments about it?

I think you have to challenge the stereotype and make them see that it is not acceptable

I think this is well out of order TBH. Its bad enough stupid strangers passing comments like this ,but completely unacceptable when its you own bloody family!WTF are they playing at? I would say to your BF that you find it unacceptable. I would say to them (not in DC hearing) that you find their remarks silly and hurtful ,Say you would prefer they dont talk about it any more as DD may pick up on it.They are welcome to talk about anything else .

Idiot people

There are beautiful shades of red (ginger to some I guess) and I, though a brunette, actually choose to dye mine red .

Its them with the problem OP

Family of 4 red heads here (though Dh has now gone white)

I can easily count the number of negative comments we've had over the years on one hand, but the compliments have been much more numerous.

From our experience I don't think the UK has an issue with red hair, but I do think that you should be loud and proud of being ginger and have zero tolerance (especially from family) of any negative comments.

Good luck OP

The weird one I can't work out though, is why do Australians call red haired people 'Bluey' or 'Blueys'?

@SausageCrush I think it depends on where you are in England, I think some places have a huge problem with it. I was spat at, physically pushed/shoved/tripped, had food thrown at me and daily name calling throughout my entire time at secondary school all for being ginger. Then when my eldest was about 2 we were walking down the road and someone threw an empty drinks can at us from a passing car screaming gingers at us. However since we have moved to a different area the only place we've really had negative comments from is my boyfriends family.

Wtf is wrong with these people? I'm very impressed that you haven't told them to fuck off yet.

I agree with SausageCrush, I’ve never had a bad comment about my red hair! Also live in the south, I wonder if that’s why? My hair is dark ginger and my husband is auburn, I live in hope that we have ginger kids.

To echo everyone else, firmly tell your in laws to drop it. Next time anyone makes a comment after that, calmly pack everyone up and leave. Now is the time to be firm, to make sure the comments don’t sink into your kids heads.

Long live gingers!

For what it's worth I think red hair is absolutely beautiful!
I think you need to have a word with the family before they give your girls a complex

Agree it's definitely not the whole of England and must be area dependent based on dd's experience. We are South of Greater London. Dd is 13 and goes to the local comp, so not like she's cosseted from the general public. No comments out and about either, although plenty of old ladies fawning over her red curls when she was little!

Gingernaut some possible explanations:

english.stackexchange.com/questions/100834/why-are-australian-redheads-often-called-bluey

Mental, I love red hair.

It really is a hard prejudice to understand. So many kings and queens of England were red-haired too, so that puts the anti Irish/Scottish argument on its head.

One of my kids was bullied mercilessly all the way through school because of her red hair. Secondary was such a nightmare that she eventually had to change schools. I won't even repeat some of the things they used to call her.

Imagine if that language was used about the colour of a person's skin rather than hair?

I can easily count the number of negative comments we've had over the years on one hand, but the compliments have been much more numerous.

well, ds has had loads of negative comments over the years, and plenty of just unwanted comments.
Add to that that every time a group of kids did anything (and he wasn't particularly naughty or anything) it was always his name that got shouted across the playground, as they could spot him in the crowd.

Gingerism is allive and well in the UK. I remember an edition of QI where there was some question about a cat and a picture of a ginger cat on screen, and one of the comdians made the comment that no-one liked it because it was ginger. Cue roars of laughter from the audience. Ginger jokes are frequent and common, especially somehow amongst comedians who consider themselvesd cutting edge. Wouldn't drea of making a racist or sexist joke, but ginger jokes are fine.

seriously, just because you haven't experienced it, really, it is happening.

we're south.

Things were 100% better at secondary, as he went in a different area (different town actually).

I was going to say I do wonder if boys get a harder time than girls, as boys with red hair are always considered to be ugly, but then I read Sicario's post.

also, my neice has red hair, but it is soft strawberry blonde type red which has darkened to more auburn.

This is very different to ds who has bright fiery orange hair. He was literally carrot coloured, whereas for my neice that nickname wouldn't have really fitted.

I wonder if the colour makes a difference? (just musing out loud really, I have never understood it completely)

My husband is ginger and he is married to an extremely good looking woman so as far as I go, ginger hair is a very good trait!

Your in laws' behaviour is totally unacceptable and your boyfriend should be backing you up and telling them no more comments on your girls' appearance, full stop. I'm interested in what you said about your experience of regional variations, CarrotCakeCrumbs. When I was pregnant with DD1, now 16, I taught in a large rural secondary school the children were bussed in from hamlets and villages over a wide countryside area.

There seemed to be a lot of superstition in general, for example, the shape and size of my bump meant I was definitely having a boy (ha!) my craving for steak, ditto (also, ha!) If I would just consent to having one of my Year 11s wave a crystal over my tummy she'd tell me if the baby was 'the wrong way up' etc. All of which I shut down nicely.

But one day, when I almost 8 months pregnant and exhausted, a girl said to me "if the baby's a ginger Miss, will you drown it?" Which hit me like a kick in the stomach and I was so lost for words and distressed I didn't reply. I can still remember the awful feeling to this day. We were in the library and the librarian sent for SMT and the girl was whisked away.

I'm blonde and DH is dark brown haired and DD1 has long, curly red hair hair like Demelza in Poldark, or Christina Rossetti, or Merida from Brave i.e. gorgeous! On my side it's from my lovely Glasgow granny, who hated her hair because she was teased and struggled to hide her dismay when she met her first great-granddaughter, because she feared the same would happen to her. On DH's side, no one could remember there ever having been a red head, but they managed to get over that and have been nothing but complimentary ever since. DD1 gets endless compliments from strangers, but also has to put up with the odd awful and upsetting thing from strangers, most of it sexist, verbal harassment yelled from a moving van type thing variations on - does the carpet match the curtains? - being the most common and horrible. I burn with anger every time she tells me.

God, they are pathetic. And if you say anything they'll get all defensive and "it's only a joke, stop being so sensitive!"

You need to say it plainly to them, not get your boyfriend to say it. Next time they make a "jokey" comment just say "I've had enough of this. My daughters don't need to hear any more of your crap jokes. Their hair is beautiful." Look them dead in the eye and say it. If they come back then repeat it again. Plainly, without raising your voice, or your emotion - practice in a mirror.

Redheads are wonderful - I'm married to one, a daughter of one and a niece to three. My only disappointment around it is that I never had a wee redhead of my own - DH and I used to wink about "trying for a ginger" when we were trying for #3, after two brunettes.

Lots of red hair in my family - my mother, my sister and my son (who looks like a gorgeous, tall, bearded Viking now). My sister was bullied plenty at school in the seventies for her hair colour. It happened once to my son (that I know of) and he swiftly put a stop to it by walloping the offender. 'I tried words, mum, honest. But he didn't listen'
So yeah people are idiots.
You need to make the idiots feel like idiots for saying what they're saying. Either bluntly... 'why do you have a problem with red hair?' In a challenging way.
Or 'are you jealous or something? Because you keep goi g on about it' in a jokey way.
My daughter (the Viking's sister) is sooo jealous of his hair. She has boring brown!

Apart from the very obvious bullying here, I think the challenge is how the OP responds to the ILs and deals with any fallout.

I don't know your family OP but would suggest don't go with sarcasm or passive aggressive/full on war in view of everyone as a first go as you don't want an excuse to be 'seen' as the unreasonable one. People might disagree with me but I would take whoever is the most influential in the group for a 1:1 chat and completely play on their hearts strings. Don't attack them for being a dick (yet), say how much your DCs love being with the family but you're upset about comments and how they're feeling and want their help in stopping it. You'd really appreciate it as everyone listens to you and you know how much they love the DC so could they have a quiet word - blah blah. It's a special sort of dick who says no to this in which case you know what you're dealing with.

You need to tell your DP to grow a pair as well.

See what happens, you're being very reasonable and extending an opportunity for people to have a moment of reflection. Might not work - in which case go full on mamma bear.