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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They are ginger get over it!

176 replies

CarrotCakeCrumbs · 02/06/2020 21:32

I have NC for this. I am so angry at the moment, and fed up, and aware that things could be so much worse and that with everything else that is happening it really doesn't matter in the long run and it really is so petty and ridiculous. However here I am seething because some people are just pig ignorant.

My bf to his knowledge has nobody ginger in his family, infact they are all very adamant that there are no ancestors with ginger hair whatsoever. And yet our two daughters are very, very ginger (as am I). Our eldest is 4.5, our youngest is turning 1 this month. Their hair is unlikely to change. The amount of comments I have had from multiple members of my bfs family has gone beyond a joke now.

Ever since my eldest was born I have had the following comments about both children:
"She's not ginger" - in a voice that implies being ginger would be such a horrific thing to be 🙄
"Oh I think her hair is changing it isn't as red" or "she's losing her redness!" - said in a hopeful voice
"She's turning a shade of beetroot" - in a disappointed voice (also why beetroot??? There are 1000's of lovely ways to describe red hair - beetroot is not one of them 🤬)
"Red hair means crap blood" - eh no...and many more comments.

Every single time we see them, without fail, someone will make at least one comment on our childrens hair. I don't even know why it is such a shock to them - I am ginger! (They do also like to pretend that my children get absolutely none of their traits from me but that's a whole other thread). They wouldn't comment on their hair if it was blonde, or brunette!

I was bullied horrifically through school because of my hair colour, and I am determined that my girls will be proud of theirs. But I feel like I might be fighting a losing battle when certain members of their own family so clearly don't like it.

My boyfriend thinks I am over reacting and that I should just ignore it, but why should I? And why should our daughters have to ignore it? What gives people the right to comment on a hair colour that you are born with and can't bloody change! (I mean you can't change it as a child - I am well aware that adults can dye their hair as I did for years and now my hair is back to it's natural colour but destroyed beyond repair).

Am I being unreasonable to tell people to just not comment on their hair, that it is ginger and they have had almost 5 years to get used to that fact and it is not likely to change any time soon. Or just start making derogatory comments on their appearance when they make the negative comments.

OP posts:
Florrieboo · 03/06/2020 06:47

I dislike the term ginger, my DS's and myself are redheads, or we have red hair.

Oblomov20 · 03/06/2020 06:48

I don't have a problem with the word ginger. Some colours really are ginger. Other hair colours, especially in girls are very much more red.

Ds2 is ginger and proud. Never been teased. And even if he was, he wouldn't care.

Breadandroses1 · 03/06/2020 06:53

I'm sorry your family are being awful about this OP. Your partner needs to address this very strongly with them.

This thread is making me nervous. Both DC (age 3 and 6) have red hair- the eldest definitely more on the strawberry blonde side and the youngest has beautiful darker red curls of which I am insanely jealous. The only comments I have heard have been really positive- or curious as DP and I don't have red hair (my mother is a redhead and we're not sure on DP's side but there must be red somewhere).

Now I'm worried they're going to get bullied for it. Have anyone's kids not been bullied for it? I remember the phrase 'ginger minger' from my own school - does that still happen?

MumInBrussels · 03/06/2020 06:53

English weirdness about red hair aside, it's just fucking rude to comment negatively on someone's appearance, and it's horrendous behaviour for adults (especially family!) to pick on children.

I'd really lose my temper over this, it's not ok. If they can't be nice to your kids - or at least minimally polite - they don't have to see them. It's not required to have a relationship with extended family, it's something people do because it's usually beneficial to the children - seeing people who make them feel insecure/ugly/like there's something wrong with them is not helpful and I'd be stopping it before it really starts to affect them.

copycopypaste · 03/06/2020 07:06

God they sound awful. I'd be thinking of some scathing replies and say them every single time. Or you could just pull them every time on just how bloody rude they are being.

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 03/06/2020 07:35

There's also the way they seem to expect you as the mother not to have passed any genetic traits of your own on to your kids, like you were meant to function as a sort of jug to grow babies in for their son rather then actually being the mother of the kids. I'd not be having that, and I'd be annoyed with him for not stepping in and putting a stop to it.

Tsubasa1 · 03/06/2020 07:40

"Dont comment in my childrens hair again please"

Original poster
CarrotCakeCrumbs · 03/06/2020 08:18

Thank you all for your comments, for those asking some of my in laws are extremely bigoted and do hold absolutely vile opinions about certain groups of people. I used to absolutely hate the term ginger, and to be honest the shade of our hair is more red than anything, mine in particular is very, very red. I think I use it now because I feel like if they hear me using at home where they know I am proud of their hair then it wont hurt when others use it to be nasty.

I'd love to love to Scotland because it is a stunning country and I've always wanted to move there, unfortunately my boyfriend won't agree to move that far (we are in the south) Grin

OP posts:
FaceOfASpink · 03/06/2020 08:21

"Their hair is beautiful. We're leaving now" on repeat until they get it.

Floatyboat · 03/06/2020 08:23

They sound like very boring people that haven't experienced much of the world.

SoberCurious · 03/06/2020 08:24

Imagine you were black & they were talking about the colour of your kid's skin? Maybe point this out to your horrible inlaws/ husband?

Red hair is beautiful! 👩🏼‍🦰

Notredamn · 03/06/2020 08:31

There seems to be a bit of strangeness both ways about red hair. So many people desperately wanting their children to have it and being sad or disappointed when they didn't. It's just a hair colour.

Firstimer703 · 03/06/2020 08:32

My husband is similar even though there are several red heads on his side of the family! It's a disgusting attitude and I've heard him say things in front of his red haired nephew which I expect he might find upsetting. We thought our son might have red hair and he was a bit of an arse about it although he would say he was 'joking'. The only thing is though, as with lots of things, I don't think I could have persuaded him any differently so it's a matter of how hard you want to fight it I guess! We had a similar issue over my name in the early days believe it or not! On that occasion, I did stand my ground and whilst he didn't back down, he did stop the annoying behaviour. It would have been the same if our son had red hair. I would have had to get to a point where I explained his comments were unacceptable. It won't be easy but you are going to have to address it. Good luck! Xx

atimetobealive · 03/06/2020 08:38

I have three kids and two are red and I mean red!! They are beautiful little boys. I’d go nuts to be honest at your in laws

Thisbastardcomputer · 03/06/2020 08:40

You need to start getting a bit sharp when these comments start, your title is a good opener, if they carry on, it can go downhill from then.

Iloveme30 · 03/06/2020 08:46

Omg BlushI cant believe that stupidity still exists ! I have five children and one of them is ginger ! His hair is seriously bright he describes it as orange :) he also tans quite nicely never burns in the sun ! I'm also a redhead but have been bright blonde 22 years now and love it . My son doesn't even go by his real name at home we all call him Ginge 😂 and he loves it . I too got bullied growing up because of my hair so when I saw his hair color my heart sank as I was afraid he would get bullied too . So from when he was very little we told him how special he was for having such beautiful rare hair and he's grown up to love it even now at 10 he styles it in an American crew cut !
Those people are so so back in the Stone Age how dare they comment overright your children they are supposed to be their family and should be raising their self esteem not judging them (stupid twats ) I fully agree with you show your hubby this thread he needs to man up and sort them out they are his family and he needs to back his kids up you are not overreacting! I've just realized I'm ranting about this obviously it's close to my heart !! Best of luck with it it's perfectly ok to be individual it's 2020 Thanks

SleepingStandingUp · 03/06/2020 09:20

Can to itrain the big one to exclaim the MN classic "did u mean to be so rude?"

If she hears it and it bothers her I'd def encourage her to tell th they're being unkind or mean, thry might be Moore shamed by a 4 yo.

I always wanted little ginger hairedd girls, got blonde boys instead 🙄

Rubyupbeat · 03/06/2020 09:27

Disgusting. I am ginger and love it, at 56 I still dont have to colour it, it's still the same colour.
Please try some way to stop them remarking, especially in front of the children.
People are still ok about derogatory ginger remarks. I dont understand why it's acceptable, against other types of personal remarks.

Rubyupbeat · 03/06/2020 09:28

Love Sophie Ellis-Bextors family, herself and hubby are ginger and have 5 ginger boys, perfect.

NameChange84 · 03/06/2020 09:53

I honestly think red and ginger hair is stunning.

People like Eleanor Tomlinson (Demelza in Poldark), Jessica Chastain, Christina Hendricks etc...I just think they are awe inspiringly gorgeous and I would love to look like them.

I’ve lived in Scotland and Ireland and didn’t know the level of prejudice there was towards red heads until I was in England. Honestly, ginger babies make my womb jump (most of my cousins have ended up marrying red heads so I think we have a weird genetic attraction towards the gingers of the world) and I would LOVE to have red headed children. I remember meeting an adorable little strawberry blonde toddler, the daughter of a friend of a friend. I said to my friend afterwards, “oh she’s adorable isn’t she, her hair is so beautiful” and she gave me this weird look and said “you must be joking? She’s ginger“ with such contempt. She then said (bear in mind this was her godchild) that if it was up to her, “all the gingers would be drowned at birth”. I feel sick just thinking about her to be honest. She said that, as a hairdresser, she felt sick every time she had to touch red hair. She said that she was going to make sure that her goddaughter always had “a nice short bob to make up for the colour”.

This was the same woman who, to me a mixed race woman, said “I wouldn’t describe Beyoncé as beautiful. I mean...she’s black“

Needless to say she’s not been a friend of mine for a long time now. Prejudice against ginger/red headed people should be treated as racism imo. The people with such disgusting views should be held in contempt and challenged.

88Trixabelle88 · 03/06/2020 10:09

@upthewolves

As a fellow red head, I would give them one warning, then never take the kids to see them again. This will fuck them up.

Utter shitheads.

Couldn't have put it better than this. If it was me in this position, I would definitely tell them to stop this completely unacceptable behaviour and if they won't stop then cut them out. If your children hear them it could cause long term self-esteem issues. Makes me so mad that people think this sort of behaviour is ok. Some people think it's funny and not harmful, but they should try being on the receiving end and then have an opinion.
Waveysnail · 03/06/2020 10:12

'Yes, their red hair is beautiful' every.single.time they even mention it!

chipshopElvis · 03/06/2020 10:23

I really do not understand the negativity around ginger hair. My siblings are ginger, my husband is ginger and my daughter is wonderfully ginger. It's ginger, it's beautiful. I wouldn't let your daughters be around the negativity if they hear that rubbish they might believe it when they should be enjoying their beautiful hair. My daughter is regularly stopped by strangers who tell her how beautiful her hair is, your inlaws are bonkers!

pinktaxi · 03/06/2020 11:51

Tell DP to bleach his hair and I guarantee it will be reddish because the red is hiding under his normal colour. Red hair is gorgeous and I hope bullying is less nowadays.

Tell his twatty family to stop the hair comments or they won't be seeing them until they're 18. And tell your DP to support you.