To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

@2bazookas I have never been more sure of anything when I say absolutely not. He would never, ever, ever.

Did you tell social services or dsd's school that she said her dad hit her?

@hotstepper4 just echoing that I’d spend the same amount on her, keep making an effort and suggest family therapy. Your dh needs to not take it personally and see her as sick and possibly having not gotten a diagnosis she needs. Interesting that this all kicked off when she went through a huge school transition. It could she feels, on the whole safer at her mums (assume she was anyway spending more time there) and is so challenged in other areas she’s shut down except from school and back to her mums.

The DM should be trying to get to the bottom of it either way as it’s clearly not normal behaviour.

Yes, Dh told them when he called them. I was there. They called dsds dm who told them she did not believe dh capable of abuse and that she was happy for the boys to keep coming, so they didn't proceed with a case.

My dd is under assessment for asd - when she doesn’t feel safe (bugs in the park, slight jealously over a sibling, a few too many people there), she can say vile things - killing threats, anything she can say.

Means none of it. What she needs is absolutely calm lack of reaction to it so that you show her she is safe in fact.

It is really hard to not take it personally and so much harder as you don’t have two parents working together to see that she needs help.

OP, I was sexually abused by my father, often when my mother was home, cooking in the kitchen, doing laundry, having a bath, in the middle of the night while she was sleeping, while my brother watched TV. She never knew until I told her many years later. It can & does happen right under your nose in a family home without any other family members ever seeing it. As for the boys not having issues with their father, some pedophiles only abuse girls, some only abuse boys, some abuse both genders. You have to listen to your DSD & investigate every option & possibility for why she is behaving this way, & if that means your DH is investigated, so be it. You sound like you are the only adult in this girls life who loves & cares for her enough to be more worried about her than any potential effect investigating this issue might have on you, & to be trying to understand why she is acting this way. There's every possibility your DH has never touched her, that this is some MH issue at play, that she's projecting onto him, even that she is punishing him. But you really need to get to the bottom of it, & that means putting her first & really listening to her.

I really feel for you because it sounds like you care about her a lot.

I haven't read the full thread but do you get on with her mum? Could you try and have a chat with her to see if she has any idea what this is all about?

I would definitely suggest sending her little cards and letters and small gifts to let her know you are thinking of her. Who knows, she might respond.

Keep trying to make the effort with her

It was gradually declining, it was good for a while when he was with a really lovely girlfriend. Then they split up and he met this awful woman who he very quickly married. They decided together about cutting contact as they thought it was best for us.

I've seen him 3 times since then, I will probably see him at one more funeral at some point and that will be our connection over with.

I am in contact with the lovely girlfriend at least!

Honestly, I think he should just never close the door. A text once a week, birthday and Christmas presents. I'm surprised SS and the court rout has been completely dismissed through official channels, there are steps the can take between doing nothing and forcing contact.

Typical of mums net to only see it one way. The mother clearly has issues, mentally abusing her daughter about her other family for years and making sure she knows that at the point she starts senior school it's her decision.

Dm has blocked dsm number on her daughters phone? But old enough to decide to cut contact?

Not all mothers are equal, some are just twats, jealous twats.

That poor girl, all you can do is keep on so she knows she has a safe place with you whenever she wants and that she is loved unconditionally.

So social services didn't even speak to the daughter? I am actually shocked by that.

I have worked a lot with traumatised children. When approached many will say someone hit them when they mean something else. They cannot vocalise what happened to them. Sometimes they will name someone they feel safe with rather than the person who actually did it. Sometimes it is actually the person they name, though no one around them will believe them.

She is giving every impression something has happened. The shaking, the remark about doing what she wants. There is no doubt in my mind that something has happened here, especially when it was so sudden. The fact your husband would never take her out alone also stands out to me from my previous work. This was often the case where abuse was involved.

I am not saying for definite that he has abused her in any way, but you cannot be 100% sure, you just can't. Something has happened to her anyway and all the adults in her life seem to be ignoring that. Hopefully the counselling will help. Suggesting group therapy with the person she says abused her is also a terrible idea.

One way or another something is wrong here, as you know and she does need more help.

I also came on to say this is exactly how o behaved when I was being sexually abused. I would cause riots to prevent any time with the abuser, but then I'd get conflicted feelings of wishing it would go away and I could join in the rest of the family like it never happened. I'd randomly decide to visit then instantly regret it when the feelings washed over me, or I'd sense feeling different from the other kids. I was halfway down reading the OP and my gut screamed at me "you know this behaviour"

So SS took someone's word for it. This terrifies me. To think my child could make a disclosure and ss would do that.

What a sad tale. My only contribution is to keep channels open and definitely don't give one child less than any other for birthday or Christmas. It might be more meaningful to buy at least a little something that you know she will like to go with some money for her birthday gift.

Thank you again for excellent advice.

My Dh has honestly definitely never sexually abused her. He wouldn't do that in a million years. I'm married to him. I've known him for 7 years. Trust me when I say this.

This thread has been very helpful and I am going to check it a few more times over the coming days

I’m sure I’ve read this post before.

Yes you have. Last September when it first started and I posted about it. Now it's nearly a year on and I posted about it again. As it's still happening. I don't know why this is an issue to some people?

So many abusers have been or are married to women who say they would never ever do it.
You need to listen to that little girl, and get it investigated. She's scared. It doesn't mean he has, but you're ignoring the problem. And IF he has, ignoring her could ruin her. Forever.

I know my husband, been with him 6 years. However if my daughter told me he'd abused her, I would absolutely listen and get the bottom of it. No matter what my feelings were. Because on the off chance he had, I'd hate myself if I ignored her.

My Dh has honestly definitely never sexually abused her. He wouldn't do that in a million years. I'm married to him. I've known him for 7 years. Trust me when I say this

I really hope your hunch is right.

My stepdaughter was 11 when I met her. She hated me in sight and saw me as a threat to her dad and her mum getting bath together. Her parents marriage ended when her mum had an affair and refused to give up her boyfriend. I met her dad 4 years after but, even so, she hated me. Wouldn’t talk to me. Wouldn’t acknowledge me, even if I spoke to her, in the same room. It was a nightmare. Then, she disappeared. Refused any contact for 5 years. At 21, she just “called round to see us” one day. And that was it. Over the years, we’d tried to encourage her and we bought and wrapped xmas gifts/birthday presents each year. They just sat in a pile. Eventually, they were put in a box in the garage. Birthday/Xmas cards were sent. No reply. One year we took gifts over to her but she told DH she didn’t want them.

I too find it strange that you didn’t include her at xmas. She’s 11. She’s very mixed up but.... be warned, it may worsen as she becomes a teenager.

Only advice I have is to keep the lines of communication open. Tend cards and texts. Let her know your and her dad are there for her and that she is welcome any time.

It’s really hard. I’ve been there.

Fuck me, the typos! 😂

Why did your DH not ever spend time with his daughter without you ? Even if you and his daughter got on well, she must have wanted and needed time with her Dad without you there, you are not her parent, he is- he seems to have stepped back from parenting from the time he got together with you.

But dont push her ffs u will push her away remind her doors open and she will come at some point dont push her shes 11!!

@Pebblexox I would like nothing more than to sit down with my stepdaughter and discuss everything that she believes happened to her whether it involves my husband or not. However it is impossible as she refuses to see me, and her mother makes it impossible for me to see her.

It's very difficult when all you have to go on is one conversation in a bedroom, which was the last time I saw her.

Perhaps I didn't handle it well. She kept telling me that I had witnessed this apparent abuse. I asked her to give me an example of a time when I have apparently seen my husband abusing her. She could not give me any examples and became more and more angry with me, it was at this point I left it because we weren't getting anywhere and I was feeling like my presence was just making her worse.

It's my belief that she has imagined a situation where my husband has abused her, which has allowed her to hate him and she has done this to please her mother. I do think she is on the autism spectrum and I do think she needs help but it's very difficult but neither of her parents will get her this help.