To think about her all the time

[hotstepper4]

Okay, so a bit of background: I've been married to my husband for two years, we've been together for seven years. I have a son who is nine, he has three children: a daughter who is 11, a son who is 10, and a son who is seven. I've been in the children's lives for six years.

For the most part it's been good. I've always had a good relationship with my stepchildren, and it was so nice for my son to feel that he had siblings.

In particular I was close to my stepdaughter. We always got on so well. I must admit my friends and family have always found her to be rather rude and aloof, and it's true that she definitely could be. She would ignore my friends if we went out or be rude to my mum. I made excuses for her, tell them that she was tired or shy. To be honest I don't think this was the reason. I'm not putting her down, just giving you background that she has always been hard work however we had a bond and I felt that it was mutual.

She started secondary school in September 2019. I was scheduled to collect her from
school thar first day, I remember being really excited about it, to hear about her first day at school.

As soon as she saw me, she ran. I chased after her and caught her arm. Asked her what she was doing. She said she was getting the school bus and going back to her mums. She said now that she was in secondary school she was old enough to decide what she wanted to do with her life. I said no, you're not, it's your weekend with your dad and you are coming with me. Perhaps I should have just let her go but I was so shocked. She came with me but the whole way she was moaning and crying. Eventually after a while I relented, said I'd take her to her mums. Which I did. I didn't understand but Dh spoke to her mum that night and she said she'd bring dsd round the following morning.

The next morning she came back. We tried to talk to her about what happened the day before, but she just clammed up and started crying. Then later she texted her mum and told her to come and get her, which she did. After that, my stepdaughter started sending my husband horrible text messages. Asking him why was he her dad, she hated him, even called him a bastard. Some people said that this had to be her mother speaking, however knowing my stepdaughter as I do, I am sure that it was her.

Since this we have seen her twice. The first time, was in December. She showed up with her brothers unexpectedly, but then became very annoyed that she did not have any Christmas gifts as we were not expecting her, and ran back to her mothers. The second time my husband showed up to collect her from her drama group. She was awful from the outset. She ran up to our bedroom. I went up to ask her what was going on, and she just kept telling me you know you know. I said I don't know I have no idea, and she said you know about how Dad hits me. My husband has never laid a hand on her, and I am 100% confident about this. She then ran out of the house again, back to her mothers. My husband was really worried about her accusations, he was worried about what would happen to his access to his sons if her accusations were taken seriously. So he wrote a letter to her, saying that he will always love her and be there for her, but that he will give her what she wants, and leave her alone.

Since then we have heard nothing at all from her. It has been about five months now. She hides from my husband when he dropped the boys off, and on more than one occasion, he has heard her mother laughing at her hiding herself. He's had no support from my stepdaughter's mother she just says that she doesn't want my stepdaughter to hate her too.

My stepdaughter is turning 12 in August. I think about her every day. I think we should send her a card and maybe a gift. But my husband thinks a card is more than enough. He has been hurt beyond belief by this. He doesn't understand and she's never given any reason or explanation for her behaviour. I don't know how to proceed with it. If you text her she doesn't answer. I think I will send a card and sign it from myself her dad and her stepbrother.

It feels like we will never get her back, and it haunts me. I'll be interested to know what other people would do in this position.

Sorry this is long I dictated it because it's so long but I wanted to be clear about the situation and not drip feed.

I haven’t read the full thread because it’s making me a bit upset. I went NC with my father as a young teen. He was emotionally abusive - constantly putting me down and telling me off. He said some horrible things about me that still haunt me. My younger siblings continued to see him. He had always made it clear he preferred them to me anyway - I think in a way after my parents divorced he projected a lot of his anger towards my mum on to me. Anyway, he did continue to send birthday cards and presents, but that was it. He never once told me he missed me, or that he was sad I wasn’t in touch. He would occasionally tell my siblings I could come along when they went out if I wanted, but it was clear to me that he didn’t really care. Now I have my own child it shows me how he didn’t really love me, as if he did he would have done whatever it took to rebuild the relationship. He may we’ll have thought he was respecting my wishes, but his distance actually made me feel unwanted and unloved, and reinforced my decision not to see him. It’s been 20 years now and we haven’t spoken.

So I’d recommend like pps have said to tell your DH not to give up. Don’t make it about him but be consistent and present and remind her regularly that he’s there for her. He needs to let her know he’s willing to fight for her, and will always love her no matter what.

She was once assessed for additional needs by her school, but they advise she didn't have any. Her brother, my my stepson who is 10 has autism however, and our friends and family have always been convinced that she has something going on.

This would certainly explain some of the things that you mention. As others have mentioned, the sand incident sounds very much like a sensory issue. It might also explain why she seemed aloof when around other people.

It might also show the school incident in a slightly different light. When my DC with autism were preparing for secondary school, it was a big transition. There were lots of conversations about what life would be like and what they could expect to happen. If they'd been expecting to come home with a particular person or via a certain route, someone unexpected coming along and saying, "I'm picking you up today. Come and get in my car" would have sent them spinning into confusion and a probable meltdown.

Having said that, your husband's behaviour here hasn't been particularly great. The fact that you're the one planning what to do about her birthday and even signing the card on his behalf speaks volumes. This is a man who values his own feelings far more than his daughter's needs.

I also got quite upset by this. I was also a child who wasn't believed because 'he's a vicar, no man of the church would do that'.

I'm not saying your DH has done anything but please don't automatically dismiss what this child is saying because you don't believe he's not done anything.

Something has happened to start this all off and the adults in her life need to listen to her and figure it out.

It’s very unusual for a child with a good relationship with a parent to suddenly cut them off like this. I’d also think there is more to this, either she’s very unwell or he has been hurting her, or something.

But unless there are mental health issues then kids just don’t cut a parent out like that.

I don’t understand either what he’s doing more and why he’s not doing it to keep his relationship with the boys, why would that relationship end because he was trying to maintain a relationship with his daughter?

OP, I am no child psychologist or expert, but a friend's 14-year-old dd managed to have sex with her boyfriend in the twenty odd minutes when my friend went to the shop, so unfortunately, no matter how much you believe her father and she were never alone, I find that impossible to believe.

That said, there could be a plethora of reasons for her behaviour that have nothing to do with abuse.

When my dd was twelve and hormones clicked in she got extremely rebellious to the point of telling me that she hated me and had always hated me. It hurt like mad, but I didn't give up on her because of my hurt feelings.

it shows me how he didn't love me

My love, that also shows he can't love anyone.

Anywhere between 3-15% of people have a type of personality disorder that renders them unable to feel empathy. Potentially that means that up to every 8th parent you meet doesn't worry about how their child is feeling beyond what the parent can get away with not caring about.

Ops husband is clearly in this camp as has made it clear his feelings are paramount. That's not a parent. OP has worked this out but is in the bargaining stage where they think they might be able to get him to pretend he isn't.

Wow so many more replies this is great and I am truly thankful. There's too many to respond to individually but please know that I have read each one.

I am not trying to minimise any abuse she may have suffered. I am very low contact with my own father. He is an alcoholic and was mentally and physically abusive to myself and my dm when I was young. Believe me I am no stranger to abuse.

The reason I am so sure my Dh hasn't touched her is because I was always there. Always. A typical weekend would be as follows: I would collect my ds from school Friday, then immediately go to the primary that my stepdaughter and stepsons attended. I'd pick them up (Dh doesn't finish work until 5pm and I was always happy to collect them). We'd go home, I'd fix their dinner and get my stepson ready for cubs. Then Dh would get home and take dss to cubs whilst I would stay with dsd, ds and dss2. She was always very friendly with my ds so at this time they'd usually be watching YouTube, or listening to music. Later, Dh would put the boys to bed while dsd and I would watch a film together, then Dh and I would put her to bed, together.

Saturday would be her drama class, that Dh would drop her off at and I would pick her up. This was all via public transport. Usually in the afternoon we'd all go swimming.

On Sunday we usually had an outing as a family, or Dh would take dsd and 2 dss out for the day while I went out with friends and my ds. Sometimes dsd or dss2 would come with me too.

What I mean by this is that Dh would not have had opportunity to abuse dsd. Our house is tiny. There is just no way it happened.

Sensory or mental health issues are a definite possibility and I absolutely agree with this. I have always suspected some form of ASD and it came as no surprise to me when she was investigated, in fact the surprise was that they said she didn't have it.

I have discussed this again with Dh today and he sent her a short text message. Just told her he was thinking about her and an update on our cat. She won't reply. He'll message her again tomorrow. I don't think she'll ever reply but maybe at least she'll read them?

All we can do is try.

Why doesn't he ever spend any time with her? Why is it always with you, or her brothers? Does he spend quality time with his other children?

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow she was never really interested in having alone time with him. They did have it, sometimes. She loved little mix and he took her to a concert of theirs. Once he booked a table in a restaurant for just the two of them. She didn't want to go.

@hotstepper4 she actively avoided spending time alone with him, and then accused him of abusing her, and you still don't think there's a chance she's telling the truth?

If it were your son saying your husband hit him, i bet you'd believe him. And if you don't, you've got bigger problems.

[quote hotstepper4]@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow she was never really interested in having alone time with him. They did have it, sometimes. She loved little mix and he took her to a concert of theirs. Once he booked a table in a restaurant for just the two of them. She didn't want to go.[/quote]
You’re giving very mixed messages OP

On the one hand they absolutely never, ever were alone so he couldn’t have harmed her, but on the other hand they did because he took her to see Little Mix

It’s perfectly possible to abuse someone in plain sight. In fact the incident where I, at 6, ended up with broken ribs happened with around 12 other people in the house and none of them witnessed it.

Your defence of your DH is something that many many women do, but look at it with outsider eyes.

If nothing else your DH is minimising the abuse she has had, that he insists was not at his hand, by not forcefully insisting that school and SS investigate this. He’s failing his daughter miserably and doesn’t see it.

And don’t be fooled by the text today. That’s because you told him he needed to do something. My Ex does that every single time he gets a new girlfriend. It’s about protecting the relationship with you, but fixing the one with her

No I really don't think he hurt her. He didn't.

I do think perhaps she felt he preferred the boys to her. There was more of them and they're younger than her. They took a lot of Dh attention. I think perhaps he could have spent more time with her.

Honestly, they were close. I can't tell you how many photos I have of them hugging or her on his lap or making silly faces at each other. For her 8th birthday he worked 12 hours a day for 2 months to afford to take her to legoland. He idolised her, he did.

So why did he just give up on her?

OP, i think you're being either incredibly naive or wilfully ignorant.

He idolised her, he did

And now he doesn’t and that’s the root issue.

He gave up on her after 6 months of fighting to keep her, during which she threw these awful accusations at him and constantly told him how much she hated him and wished he was dead.

As I said he has messaged her today and while I did instigate this he could have said no.

It's very easy to judge when looking at things from the outside and I admit that if I was reading this I too would be suspicious of my Dh and think dsd was telling the truth. But she isn't. She's a very mixed up and confused girl and all I want to do is find out why she feels this way and try to fix it.

Did you all go to legoland?

@callmeadoctor yes we did, and it was a great day

6 months is nothing. Especially when you consider the last 3 months have been a crazy and weird world.

You don’t give up on your child after a few months if you idolise then. You really don’t

Would you give up on your son after 6 months? I know you love this man OP, but best case scenario he's a bad parent, worst case a criminal one.

Even when that child is constantly begging you to leave them and saying they hope you die in a car accident?

My Dh did what he had to do for his mental health and while I don't necessarily agree with his decision I understood it because he did try. He would go to her school to meet her and she'd run away. He'd go to the bus stop to try and see her to find that she'd deliberately got off the bus early to avoid him. He called social services, they wouldn't help. He arranged a group therapy, she wouldn't come. He has tried. He gets no support. The other day he was dropping my dss's home and he saw dad running out the back to avoid him. And her mum was laughing.

He gets no support with this at all.

Dad -dsd

I agree with most here. Your partner is a parent, and to his daughter, whether she says she hates him or not, whether she wants to stay at his home or not, he is her parent and needs to be so. It seems he's leaving it to you. If he stops parenting his child, no matter how difficult, there'll be no way back. Both he and his daughter's mum need to get together, with their daughter and sort ot out calmly - just the three of them.

Yes best case scenario is he favoured his sons (and his stepson) over his daughter and then couldnt be bothered to fight for her

Or something much worse happened - even in your post you say this

Dh would drop her off

So he was alone with her

He doesnt seemingly want to find out - you do. Why do you think that is OP? I think deep down you are scared that something did happen that her accusations arent false and that something happened

OP, how can you list these behaviours and still think your husband hasn't abused his child? She is desperate to get away from him!

hotstepper4 your memory of him never being alone with her doesn't fit with your memory of him taking her to concerts though.

It's actually pretty weird if he was never alone with his own daughter even for half an hour over the entire 11 years he was in her life...