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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really confused by my friend and her husband

231 replies

atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 12:34

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

OP posts:
Oscarsdaddy · 02/06/2020 18:25

Your friend’s husband is well under the thumb

What your friend meant is that SHE doesn’t want to left left home with the sprog

OutOfHours · 02/06/2020 18:28

Bet she didn't even ask him

winterisstillcoming · 02/06/2020 18:28

It was good of you to give her husband first refusal, and absolutely their right to decline.

She's done the right thing actually. If her husband did end up back at work, and had then over committed, they could have let you down and ruined the friendship. She might have turned down the cash, because, on balance she knows she would need the help on the weekends if her husband was at work all weekend and may have regretted saying yes to you and then letting you down.

Ronnie68 · 02/06/2020 18:29

Sounds like you're not the audience she's aiming at. She's wanting sympathy and maybe a handout from someone by the looks of it.
They'd have bitten your hand off if things were as desperate as she's saying.
You've been good enough to offer a waynout of the situation and she hasn't taken it.
I wouldn't bother again xx

MollyMinniesMum · 02/06/2020 19:04

Probably doesn’t want to mix business and pleasure, very sensible, working for friends often ends in falling out

Lottielouc · 02/06/2020 19:15

Lots of people like to moan about their money situation which I find is best to ignore because you can’t help them!
We don’t have a huge income at all (probably not even average) but we don’t talk about it as everyone has different priorities eg we bought a large splash pool and heater but my daughter is a water baby and she will be happy all lock down summer, should we have bought it when when are both self employed and don’t really know what’s happening with work, probably not!

I hear of friends say they can’t afford the rent or have a minus balance 3 days after pay day... every time I seem they have new nails, hair,
Clothes, latest phone etc and always out at the pub. I think their priorities are wrong but they are also single so parts of it I also understand.
Another Friend apparently on the brink of bankruptcy goes on courses costing a £1k a time... to them the odd £1k here and there makes no difference really to the actual income they require to pay their bills. Maybe your friend has a lot of debt, maybe they are worried, maybe one job would make no difference to them, you can’t second guess. Only they know the reason why the said no to the work, you have done all you can to help, so leave it at that!

angelfacecuti75 · 02/06/2020 20:59

Don't invest so much into it she probably just wanted a shoulder to cry on not a bail out.

angelfacecuti75 · 02/06/2020 21:02

Perhaps she finds it hard to manage without the help at home . You don't always need solutions

NeedToKnow101 · 02/06/2020 21:36

I think she just wanted some sympathy for her worries tbh. Either that or her DP couldn't be arsed to do the work and that was her way of telling you she's worried about his behaviour.

Hangingwithmygnomies · 02/06/2020 22:22

Who said you couldn't do a rewore in 4 days - I had a team of 4 guys in who did it in 2 days Grin

Hangingwithmygnomies · 02/06/2020 22:22

*rewire

conduitoffortune · 02/06/2020 22:47

Why so many excuses for the friend and her husband? Why can't anyone ever just be acting like a knob?

PS the friend is being an annoying knob and her husband is a lazy knob

Tistheseason17 · 02/06/2020 22:59

Only on Mumsnet could we be having a go at a Dad that dies not want to be away from their young baby. Jeez.
My DH still does not like being away from our children - the point is your offer of work is not about the money - his baby is more important.
Just back off and ignore their money issues. They have not asked you to solve it,they are just moaning.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/06/2020 23:37

Only on Mumsnet could we be having a go at a Dad that dies not want to be away from their young baby. Jeez.
My DH still does not like being away from our children - the point is your offer of work is not about the money - his baby is more important.

Most parents want to spend as much time as possible with their babies, but the OP's friend has specifically expressed great concern, several times, because they aren't getting as much money in owing to her DH's job situation wrt COVID. If he were at work as normal (and presumably then making ends meet), he would have far, far less time with his baby. It's an empty house and, assuming it's local, he could always break it down to do more mornings or afternoons rather than fewer full days and work it around when the baby sleeps, which will be a lot at such a young age.

The friend doesn't owe OP any explanation at all, but for such a long-standing friendship, instead of the mysterious "That's not the point", you'd think she'd just say "Thanks very much for thinking of us, but it's been lovely for us to have so much time off with the baby, so, all things considered, and in spite of my grumbling, we're tightening our belts and making the most of that until his regular job starts up again."

It was a genuine non-binding offer and it can easily be declined, but doing so just seems so strange after all of the public fretting about money.

SionnachGlic · 02/06/2020 23:39

@atimetobealive

Did your friend reply to yesterday's text yet? I am just curious as to whether maybe she told you more...like, it isn't just £x amount...

SionnachGlic · 02/06/2020 23:42

@Angrywife

I feel fof you....I'd be enraged, green hulk style. 🌷

SionnachGlic · 02/06/2020 23:42

*for...

TerrorWig · 02/06/2020 23:52

If this wasn't Corona time and the husband was just out of work, the answers would be very different. Regardless of PND, desire to stay at home with the baby, and anything else - if you don't have work and you need it, when you're offered it, you take it. You might ask for allowances - perfect when it's friends you'd be working for on a contract - but do you really put your future in jeopardy?!

It sounds like the husband thinks they can survive on the furlough pay and the wife doesn't. So she's worrying about money and he isn't. It really seems that simple to me, there's a lot of 'backstories' being guessed at here which seem very elaborate to me Confused

Anyway, I don't think YABU. With good friends I think you should be able to be straight with them.

R1R2 · 02/06/2020 23:52

Everyone keeps ignoring the simple fact he may not legally be able to sign off the work without involving building control which isn't cheap or particularly straightforward. Most employed workers will not be registered with a competent persons scheme to allow them to self certify. But by all means continue screeching wildly and calling the bloke lazy.

threatmatrix · 02/06/2020 23:58

People like this make me sick. Tell her to moan to some other idiot.

threatmatrix · 02/06/2020 23:59

If he’s a qualified electrician of course he can sign it off

R1R2 · 03/06/2020 00:16

@threatmatrix he cannot sign it off in England or Wales without being a part of a competent person scheme or notifying through the local building control, Scotland is slightly different. Failure to comply with this will leave the property owner in breech of the building regulations and may invalidate their buildings insurance.

Or do you want to argue more with a qualified electrician about what the requirements are.

JFM27 · 03/06/2020 00:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

threatmatrix · 03/06/2020 09:21

R1R2
Condescending much! Who would use an unregistered electrician in the first place? Were you just looking for an argument or just trying to look important.

pollymere · 03/06/2020 09:51

Some furloughed people are taking home the same money just not doing work...

I wonder if his on the side stuff is what keeps them afloat? I suspect there's a hint of a more lucrative job in the next few weeks so he wants to take that over your offer but they are struggling financially until he gets paid from this job which hasn't started yet (or even been agreed maybe). If it was six months of extra work, maybe with the hint of a whole lot more, then it would explain his reluctance to do yours and jeopardize the other.