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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be really confused by my friend and her husband

231 replies

atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 12:34

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

OP posts:
ShinyFootball · 01/06/2020 20:54

Not read the thread

They are not one person. She wants to offload to you, her friend. Who knows her DH reason for not wanting to do it.

It seems strange to be annoyed with her about something that is for him to do (or not).

You also don't know the reason. It may be good it may be rubbish. You don't know.

atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 21:22

Maybe you asked for a cheap rate last time

Let me be clear - I don’t ask for cheap rates. I ask you to price a job for me and I decide if I want you to do the job based on the price you give. In this case I offered him work (like other people have done) because it needed done and because all I’ve heard for 10 weeks is how skint they are. I certainly don’t ask you to do it cheap whether you’re flush or in need of money.

OP posts:
atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 21:26

@Rewis I do listen to her. As I’ve said before we’ve been friends for a long long time. I think lockdown is hard for everyone. I have three children to home school and a full time job and elderly parents. I did the kind thing (or at least I thought it was 🤣) and offered a chance to earn money.

To be honest, I think she’s just a bit odd for moaning about money to someone whose help they turned down. I think she agrees with him tbh and I can’t engage with it anymore.

OP posts:
R1R2 · 01/06/2020 21:28

He declined the job get over it, there are many reasons he may have done that. Quite possibly because unlike smaller jobs it would require a building control cert he may not be able to give you unless he is registered to self certify www.electricalcompetentperson.co.uk/. Now let it go or continue and destroy your friendship

Bluntness100 · 01/06/2020 21:35

I don’t think that’s a shitty text at all. If this was a good friend of mine I’d have done the same. What are you supposed to do, pretend he doesn’t have the opportunity to make money.

Has she responded?

ShinyFootball · 01/06/2020 21:36

You said do you want to quote.
He said no.
You are going to ditch your friend over it?

I find your behaviour odd tbh.

ShinyFootball · 01/06/2020 21:38

Just get someone else to do it.

Listen when she moans even if you think what a dick. That's what friends do.

You seem to be taking this very personally.

atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 21:43

You seem to be taking this very personally.

I started a thread about it and I’m just replying 🤷🏻‍♀️

To be honest I’ve spent most of my day desperately trying to home school a 5 year old, 8 year old and 11 year old, work and make lunches, dinners, dish out endless snacks...I’ve not had much time to take it personally Wink

OP posts:
Travis1 · 01/06/2020 21:44

@ShinyFootball do you not get how wearing it can be listening to someone moaning and whining whilst doing nowt to help themselves? Especially when a solution is available but they refuse to utilise it? It’s frustrating af

atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 21:44

@ShinyFootball

I’m not sure what part you’ve misunderstood Confused

It’s the continued moaning about having no money when there is a perfectly reasonable solution being offered by me and, from what I believe, a few others.

OP posts:
atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 21:48

Perhaps I am the worst friend but I can’t be fucked listening to the moaning. I was sympathetic until he refused work 🙈 We all have problems, myself included, but the majority of us would be grateful if a solution was offered.

OP posts:
ShinyFootball · 01/06/2020 21:51

Why assume I've misunderstood?

If you can be fucked with it then you have two options;

Tell her it's tactless and the subject is off limits
Ditch her

I mean I would wouldn't dump a friend over this but it's your choice.

forrestgreen · 01/06/2020 21:52

I'd just send back a boring reply to any money texts
"Oh that must be worrying" etc

I think she just wants you to sympathise.

You did a nice thing offering work, up to them if they'd prefer to be skint.

ShinyFootball · 01/06/2020 21:53

Who knows
Maybe they've got problems at home and he's wanted it needed there
Maybe they don't want to mix business with pleasure
Maybe they feel there's a charity aspect to it and are uncomfortable

In the end it's down to you to cut contact though.

recycledbottle · 01/06/2020 22:09

Because she mentioned the baby it might be the case that she wants them both there for the baby. She could just be moaning, forgetting you offered work or leaning for a loan.

crispysausagerolls · 01/06/2020 22:10

Do people read the thread properly? OP has made it clear that 1) they have worked for her before so it’s not a problem to do with working/friendship 2) they have been friends for 32 years and 3) the friend has presented a “reason” for husband not wanting to do the work. He wants to stay home with his baby.

These facts have all been made clear.

Just sounds like she wants to moan or have you give her money, without him actually working or doing anything. YANBU.

ShinyFootball · 01/06/2020 22:17

I have read the thread.

I wouldn't ditch a friend over this.

OP and others might behave differently. We're not all the same. I'm not sure why there is an assumption I haven't read the thread just because I disagree.

atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 22:27

@ShinyFootball I’m not ditching her. In fact I’ve been friends with her so long I might actually just tell her to moan elsewhere 😉

I agree we don’t all act the same way. Perhaps I’m looking at it from the point of view that if my husband and I were on our arses and hard up for money I know we wouldn’t turn down work that ran into the thousands.

OP posts:
atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 22:30

And if he told me that he’d been turning down work when we were broke wanted to spend more time with our kids after spending 10 weeks with them the he’d be told that he’d be seeing them
Plenty in the custody arrangement.

Ok maybe I’m hyperbolising but the thought would run through my mind.

OP posts:
SionnachGlic · 01/06/2020 22:30

@ShinyFootball

Its not an assumption you haven't read the thread. Your post at 20.54 states 'Not read the thread'.

OP, I get it...your frustration. It is like some posts on here, posting the problem & not a jot of heed taken of any possible solutions or advices ..just more of the same the next time. You have a long friendship with this girl...it would be a shame to lose it. Can you just decide not to allow yourself become irritated about money conversations, just gloss over it & then change the subject. I wonder if she has replied to your last text yet...msybe tgere is more to it & it will come out in her response .

crispysausagerolls · 01/06/2020 22:31

@ShinyFootball

I didn’t think you had read the thread because you were suggesting reasons why she said no, when a reason has been given. And another of your reasons re not wanting to work with friends doesn’t make sense as they have worked together before.

Nothing to do with you disagreeing

ShinyFootball · 01/06/2020 22:31

Anything could be going on with them though.

I mean maybe it's not but who knows.

I'm glad you're not ditching her anyway. Maybe just talk to her about it. You could say that things are so weird at the moment can you stick to more cheery topics or something.

BillBaileysBum · 01/06/2020 22:35

YANBU.

People on here argue EVERYTHING.

PurplePansy05 · 01/06/2020 22:45

OP, you're right. But don't say anything, money can be a very sensitive topic, especially now.

I just wouldn't engage if she moans again. Don't reply and a couple of days later text her about something completely unrelated. If she ever criticises you then point out that you tried your best to help out, but since they chose not to take your offer, you weren't sure what else to say.

Dee1975 · 01/06/2020 22:49

Sounds v weird. I can understand that he may prefer to spend the rest of furlough with the baby, well then don’t moan about not having the money?
You are not being unreasonable. She is being weird ..