to be really confused by my friend and her husband

[atimetobealive]

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

Has she actually told her OH I wonder.
Also some people just like to moan - try and zone out as pp said when she moans about money.

Perhaps she was just having a moan about it and was not after practical advice.

Perhaps she feels like you only offered them the work as you feel sorry for her and that's not what she wants.

Very strange! They obviously have their reasons so I'd leave it at that and I wouldn't address it again. If she keeps moaning about money, just gloss over it. Sympathise mildly but don't engage further.

If I’m reading this right all your communication has been with her - the cynic in me wonders whether she actually told him about your job offer or whether she turned it down on his behalf because she likes having help with the baby? Only that’s obviously left them in financial difficulty so she’s fishing for a handout. Pure speculation I know, but I do wonder.

I hate listening to people complain about money problems. Just ignore it. You were kind to offer them work, but this isn’t your problem to solve.

Doing work for friends is always a bit risky. It can be awkward. I think I might also refuse under those circumstances. It could also feel like charity. And it might be a drop in the ocean anyway.

Yep I’m another one who wonders if she was hinting at a loan.

I think it's worth recognising she may not agree with his decision not to take the work. It may be that she wanted him to do it , but he hasn't which has left her worried and anxious. So shes talking to you as a friend. It would be hard to come out and say , " I wanted him to take the work but he refused and now I'm worried about money". She could be talking to you as a friend now , not as a prospective contract.

How bizarre of her!
My thought was that she (or maybe he, if he knows about it) is worried that you'd expect "mate's rates", when he could be being paid more elsewhere. But if he's no other work, then it's stupid to turn it down regardless. And I'm sure you weren't expecting mate's rates anyway, were you.

Some people love the woe-is-me card.most definitely!!
Like someone else said is she after a loan ?
What is the point then ?
She's worried financially but yet he won't do some work that would give them some breathing space for a bit .
I'm not sure what risk there would be if he was on his own working .
What's he going to do if he's asked back to work? I'm assuming he's getting 80% pay so they are struggling financially on 20% less pay which is understandable but he's still got a income.

Another thought - is she having problems after having the baby? Post-natal depression or anything? She might be worried about having to look after the baby on her own?

Final thought (but this is a bit weird and is from family experience) - she's a controlling arsehole who doesn't actually want to look after her own baby herself without his help, and would rather he gave up work to look after both her and the baby (yes, I actually have a family member who did that).

You were kind to offer them work

No she wasn’t- she wanted the work done!

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

Yes, YWBU

It sounds like she wants a bail out without having to work for it. I would be wary of offering anymore help.

Sounds like she's angling for a loan (don't do it).

To be honest, I'd just ignore every message that mentions money. You've offered him some work. He didn't want it. She doesn't see the connection between that and having no money. So just don't engage. And if they come back wanting the work, I'd say that you've already contracted elsewhere. Whatever this is about, don't get dragged into it. Money things seldom work out well unless your are exceptionally close friends.

I would take it as she is hinting at you offering him the job again. Maybe she thought you were expecting him to work for free or very cheap so said no and has now realised that you were willing to pay full rate and changed her mind.
I would offer again but not push it if she's not interested.

Are you sure that she even told her DH about your offer of work?

That would annoy me too OP, but I don't think I'd say anything that would cause an argument (cos I'm a bit of a softie!).

Perhaps a reply along the lines of "Sorry to hear it's tough - hopefully it will turn around for you when he's back at work. If you change your mind on our work let me know."

Often, when people are having a grumble, they don't want solutions, they just want a friendly ear.

Often, when people are having a grumble, they don't want solutions, they just want a friendly ear.

Agreed. The last thing they need is people saying “well, we offered you work.....”

There could be any number of reasons they turned it down, the reason given sounds like it may not be the real reason.

It sounds like she just wants to moan but doesn't want a solution
You've tried, there's not a lot else you can do.
They're obviously noth enjoying him being off and having time with the baby.
The problem is that they can't make choices, pass over opportunities and still complain about it.

Looks like shes mooching for a lend.

What does she expect you to say in your message?

Oh I'm so sorry your going through this heres £££££ to tide you over.
You've offered to help by asking the husband to do work for you . Not much else you can do .

I understand money is tight for people but a lot of us are in the same boat.

If he's furloughed, yes, you would be U to say that. Most companies don't allow people to take on paid work with others while on furlough. OK, I'm sure many bend the rules, and he could probably get away with two weekends without being caught; nevertheless these are usually the rules, and it's not just a matter of laziness to follow the rules strictly.