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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really confused by my friend and her husband

231 replies

atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 12:34

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

OP posts:
SionnachGlic · 01/06/2020 17:09

OP,

I agree that he has had 10 weeks at home with baby & it shouldn't have bren too much of a hardship to take on 4 days work for pay. Up to them of course as to how they deal with their parenting share & family finances. But you did a good turn offering the work OP. I certainly wouldn't be giving her a loan if, as other posters think, that is what she is after. He's has 10 wks, he can take paid work to support his family.

I get how it irks you that hearing continuosly about her financial woes is draining. I think if you don't want to risk an upset & falling out, she is a v new Mum & could react badly, then hold off saying much more...but gloss over the money woes. Unless they are in serious debt? Maybe 4 days paid work is just the tip of the iceberg & she hasn't said. Is this possible?

Aridane · 01/06/2020 17:14

That’s a pretty shitty text to send in the circumstances you have outlined

FrancisCrawford · 01/06/2020 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MulticolourMophead · 01/06/2020 17:20

I am currently furloughed. I am allowed to work for other organisations/companies, etc, as long as I get permission from my line manager first, as I can be called back to work on a day's notice. I think it's the same for most companies. So I think this is a red herring in the case of "John".

fivesecondrule · 01/06/2020 17:22

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you're worried about money and then someone gives you an opportunity to earn some doing something you're capable/ skilled to do then you surely grab it with both hands? I'd just not offer anymore and find someone you can trust to do the job without the added baggage. Next time she complains about having no money just go with the generic "yeah its a worry for everyone at the moment".

DrManhattan · 01/06/2020 17:23

I bet you are so glad you posted now!

Honestly, I don't think you have done anything wrong in anyway. You offered a solution to a problem, your friend didnt accept it. Leave it at that.
If she moans about money I would ask her to explain.

SeriouslySoDoneIn · 01/06/2020 17:24

In my experience it’s not a good idea to mix friends and paid work.

imsooverthisdrama · 01/06/2020 17:30

That’s a pretty shitty text to send in the circumstances you have outlined
No it isn't !!
if anything least she'll stop the moaning to you .
You can't win op you offered the work most people in this current climate would bite your hand off .
she still wants to moan to you she doesn't want a solution so I'd stop trying to offer it to her .

forgetthehousework · 01/06/2020 17:32

He's worked for you before, he doesn't want to work for you now.

I remember doing a job for a friend, which she insisted on paying me for and as soon as she was 'employing' me her whole attitude changed. Quite honestly she was an absolute pain. As soon as I'd finished she returned to her previous 'friend' mode.

She asked me to do another job for her a few months later - I didn't do it!

We are still friendly but it definitely changed things.

Just saying .....

ifIwerenotanandroid · 01/06/2020 17:32

[quote atimetobealive]@AnneOfTeenFables

I think rancour is a terribly strong word. More confusion. I think after supporting and listening to someone for weeks on end there must come a point where you say enough is enough especially when more than one person has offered a solution to their money worries. We obviously see it differently 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
I've been in that position with a long time friend. Eventually I ended the friendship - but yours may well carry on. You could tell her you don't want to hear about money again, but that might cause things to implode.

It really is wearing when someone keeps dumping their own bad feelings on you, especially when there's a potential solution to the cause of the bad feelings. In my case, nothing I did or suggested ever made things better. My friend let her situation stay the same & was just using me as some sort of emotional rubbish dump, & it made me feel bad every time I saw her. In the end, I walked.

RaN88 · 01/06/2020 17:37

Personally I don't think she asked him if he wanted to do it ...

FrancisCrawford · 01/06/2020 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cornishclio · 01/06/2020 17:59

I don't think you can do any more than you have. You offered your friends DH work and he did not take it for some reason. I don't buy the spending more time with baby if he has been off for 10 weeks. You are quite within your rights to send the text to your friend and suggest that him refusing work and them being hard up for money is not unrelated. Either they need money or they don't and if they do then either or both of them has to go to work. It doesn't fall in peoples laps.

fuckinghellthisshit · 01/06/2020 18:13

Disengage OP. She has a different attitude to work and money, lots of people do. Just say "that's a shame" and offer sympathy.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 18:18

Could it be that they didn't want to work for you as these things can get uncomfortable despite the fact they're struggling and then she absent mindedly moaned about money, forgetting your offer?

redwinefine · 01/06/2020 18:20

YANBU, OP. It's ridiculous that the job (which as you say could have been a couple of thousand) was turned down and later she's complaining about not having any money. Utterly ridiculous. I'm like you OP. Don't see the point in complaining if there's something simple that can solve it

Karenista · 01/06/2020 18:23

She probably means the bigger picture, the effect of covid on the industry, self employed and small businesses, not just the one job you’ve offered her husband.

Original poster
atimetobealive · 01/06/2020 18:31

@forgetthehousework

I know where you’re coming from but any work he’s done for us has been in my husband’s rental property and he’s just been left to get on with it, he’s done a good job, been paid and that’s been it. We haven’t had any difficulties.

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 01/06/2020 18:41

People on here are insane; ignore them!

Your friend is worried because they have no money, because her husband hasn’t been working for nearly 3 months. You have offered them a market rate paid job. He has turned it down. She needs to either shut the fuck up about financial concerns, or he needs to take the job.

It’s ridiculous. And lazy. And he has had far more time with baby than he would have otherwise had.

fivesecondrule · 01/06/2020 19:12

I have a friend in one of my friendship groups who really struggles financially. She works 2 hours a day 8am-10am leaving her with the rest of the day completely to herself until she picks her DS up from school. I've lost track of the things people have offered her to increase her income. Dog walking/ ironing/ cleaning (she is an employed cleaner)/ babysitting/ house sitting/ reception duties and she turns almost every offer down. One of my friends asked if she'd house sit whilst she was working away one week and offered her a ridiculous amount of money to do it- she called after 3 days and said she couldn't do it any more. As a family we're financially fine but I'd do any of it in a heartbeat for some extra income- I can always find something to buy or save for. But every time we meet she's sad she's behind on her rent, wishes she could buy some new clothes etc, sad her DS doesn't have new trainers etc.

strawberry2017 · 01/06/2020 20:19

Some people just don't want to help themselves.
It was nice of you to put work their way you didn't have too.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 01/06/2020 20:25

Reminds me of sil.Came round moaning about lack of spare cash but bil doesnt work and she only works 2 days a week because any more impacts on her leisure time

Walkaround · 01/06/2020 20:34

atimetobealive - is this their first baby? Tbh, if I were her friend, I’d be worried about her or both of them. Is she struggling with postnatal depression or something? It’s not normal, surely, that he should be quite so worried about being away from the baby? Is the baby OK? It doesn’t sound like he’s normally inclined to be “lazy.” What does she do when she’s not on maternity leave? Or is she a SAHM to other children also? Maybe the money worries are the only bit she is opening up to you about atm, not the other issues they maybe having.

ponchek · 01/06/2020 20:42

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

Wow are you this woman's friend? She's just had a baby and straight into lockdown. They've lost income. You offered her husband work and for whatever reason he didn't want to do it.(maybe feels uncomfortable working for you? Maybe you asked for a cheap rate last time? I don't know but I'm afraid there's probably a reason).

It's just four days - leave it. Forget it. Tell her to check out the various government options available to help. Be helpful not mean. That's my advice.

Rewis · 01/06/2020 20:50

@Rewisas a married couple I wholeheartedly disagree. His refusal to work is causing her more worry. They’re a unit and his decision has impacted on her. She is worried about things like affording the weekly shop etc so I’m very much of the opinion that he is decision is exacerbating her worries.

I totally agree, but that is not what I was saying. I was saying that she is worried about money. Her husband is the one refusing work, not her. She cannot force her husband to work and make their finances better so taking it out on her is unfair. If you offered her work She refuses and then complains about not working, that would be a different thing. In your shoes I'd talk to her about the state of her marriage and be supportive on that.