to be really confused by my friend and her husband

[atimetobealive]

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

She shouldn't be moaning IMO. I'm on mat leave and DH is furloughed. His work wouldn't have objected to him taking on temp work so long as when they reopen he is ready to go back. I worked out the finances and with a mortgage holiday and being careful with what we spend we can get by until I go back to work next month so that's what we did. We are pretty skint and we would undoubtedly be better off if DH had taken other work but we wanted to have this time together so we made it work. No use moaning about how skint we are though, we chose this.

He wants to spend time with his baby before he goes back to work, totally understandable. I think you should a bit high and mighty like you could hve saved them, it's not your place, it's up to them and if you were a good friend you would not hold that against them

#sound a bit

@Wecandothis99 I wouldn’t hold it against them. The work will get done. I just can’t be bothered listening to whining and moaning 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m probably being incredibly harsh but he’s just spent the best part of 10 weeks with his new baby and he wouldn’t have had that under normal circumstance and their money situation is leaving his wife worried sick. Surely you’d get yourself out and earning a few quid to tide you over?

From what I gather speaking to my husband there has been other work passed his way and he’s refused it for the same reason. I think a few folk are scratching their heads.

To whoever said I was fixer/problem solver....who wouldn’t offer someone work when it’s there to be done, they are qualified to do it and I am willing to pay?
Lots of people wouldn't offer it eg someone who felt a friend wanted to offload and wasn't asking for solutions; someone who was more attuned to the family dynamic and knew they'd turn it down.
You're saying you're confused but actually you're making no attempt to engage with any suggestions that could help with your confusion. It would have been more honest to say you're annoyed and don't want to listen to your friend because her DH didn't take a job you offered ... but when you type it like that, you might wonder if you're really that good a friend after all.

@AnneOfTeenFables

So if it helps you ill give a backstory. I’m 37 and my friend and I have been friends since primary 1 so a good 32 years? I’ve supported her through a pretty traumatic time when her mother was ill, the subsequent death of her mother, relationship breakdowns and likewise she’s supported me through various trials and hard times. We’re good friends to each other 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t know how much more I can tell you because you don’t actually know me?

Anyway, work needed done and only on Mumsnet would offering that work to someone who seemed to need money be seen as something terrible. And as I just mentioned - I’m not the only person who has offered Paying work and is a bit confused by the refusal and continuing anguish about having no money.

It would be better than no work.. I did crap hours but it paid few bills. Op you offered you cant do any more really

Her being worried about money and him refusing work are two separate things.

If you're such a good friend, I don't understand why you're veering towards they're lazy people who moan about money rather than (a) your friend might have PND and need support or (b) there's an issue with her DH. The latter might be health related; it might be DV related; it might be that he is lazy. But none of them are within your friend's control.
Offering a job is a kind thing to do but not if it comes with rancour if it's turned down. You're suggesting stepping back from supporting your friend as a friend , because her DH turned down a job. That should give you pause considering how long your friendship has been.

Rewis put it much more succinctly than I did

I think they actively encouraged furloughed workers to take on other jobs when lockdown first started such as fruit picking so yes, I think furloughed workers can do other paid work.

YANBU either, your friend shouldn’t complain about finances yet turn down paid work. Doesn’t make sense.

@AnneOfTeenFables

I think rancour is a terribly strong word. More confusion. I think after supporting and listening to someone for weeks on end there must come a point where you say enough is enough especially when more than one person has offered a solution to their money worries. We obviously see it differently 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your not unreasonable at all , mumsnet for you suggesting otherwise .
I don't blame you for saying something when she's moaning about how worried she is for money but he's turning work down.
Has he always been work shy ? And now he has a opportunity to stay home . Like others say most get 3 weeks paternity leave when my dd was born 20 odd years ago he got 3 days .
After 10 weeks some mothers go back to work in less time if they are self employed .
He has every right to turn work down but she has no right to complain to you about her finances but not encourage her dh to do the work. If it was that she said I'm fuming with dh for saying no to the work when we need the cash then that would be different.
I'd encourage your friend to speak to her husband how worried she is and that he's turning work down unnecessarily.
If she won't take your advice or help then it's just that she wants to moan to you . I'd be less sympathetic in that circumstance because clearly she doesn't want help or advice and you don't have to listen to her .

@Rewis as a married couple I wholeheartedly disagree. His refusal to work is causing her more worry. They’re a unit and his decision has impacted on her. She is worried about things like affording the weekly shop etc so I’m very much of the opinion that he is decision is exacerbating her worries.

ahahahahaha at the royalties bit. Sorry, I know it's not on topic but I work in a profession like that and it's as hand-to-mouth as anything else. If there are ever royalties they're a long time coming.

Yes, sorry if I gave the impression that this was the case for the vast majority of people in such creative professions. I was thinking of the likes of JK Rowling and Paul McCartney!

They are probably enjoying spending more time at home together with baby. 80% of wage may well be enough to live on. Tighter but not ruinous.

What's weird is her not wanting to admit it. Theres a lot of competitive misery around furlough tbh.

If her DH had a different line of work you wouldn't be able to "help" by offering him work. Maybe think of it from that angle. It's just a coincidence that his work type is useful to you.

I think if you value her friendship and she's been a good friend to you, don't be in a rush to throw the friendship away.

Maybe back off a bit if you have had enough of her moaning. He will be back to work soon enough and she will have some new topics of conversation.

If you offered her work she was qualified and able to do and she refused, then I'd see your point. She can't force her husband to work though so I suspect that's the subtext of her messages.

The point about them being separate isn't to say he doesn't affect her, but that she doesn't control him. Maybe she wishes he would take the work but is embarrassed to say so. I do also wonder if they are struggling with something they don't want to tell you about.....

@BraveGoldie

You may well be right.

I have messaged her back to say “the point is that you need to speak with John. Work is being offered and it would help you out in the short term til John starts working again.”

The work that’s being offered is decent pay. A rewire plus other jobs will run into a couple of thousand at least so it’s not small change. The other jobs being offered are similar so there is a good amount to be made.

Perhaps a reply along the lines of "Sorry to hear it's tough - hopefully it will turn around for you when he's back at work. If you change your mind on our work let me know."

That’s a good suggestion from @CharmingB

it can also be irritating when people keep trying to fix a problem if you just want a listener

Very true

Anyway, work needed done and only on Mumsnet would offering that work to someone who seemed to need money be seen as something terrible

Nobody has said that

Stop to think for a second . . . if your friend has PND; if John isn't allowed to work when on furlough; if John is refusing to work. I don't see how your message helps her. It doesn't.
Maybe lockdown is making you stressed because you're not responding to this like a friend. And if you hadn't thought that she couldn't force her DH to accept work or that there could be numerous underlying reasons why he's turning down work, enough posters have now pointed it out to you. You're deliberately choosing to ignore that there could be numerous issues much more serious than you having to get another workman or listen to a friend.

Could it be that it’s the woman who is worried about money and her husband is having a lovely time not working and hanging out with the new baby and is more laid back about money so just doesn’t want to do the work? That’s the only explanation I can think of. It’s quite common for two people in a couple to have different perspectives on money and what one person thinks is enough another could see as dire poverty. Plus some people are natural optimists and think things will pick up soon whereas others are natural pessimists and think they’ll be homeless within six months. Does this sound like your friend and her DH?

The way I read it was she was stressing over money and he didn’t want to do with work . I wouldn’t mention the offer of work again she probably wanted him to do it to take the financial pressure off but he refused for whatever reason probably got used to chilling out at home being furloughed. Just let her sound off to you and say hopefully things will get easier soon it a long friendship no point in falling out