to be really confused by my friend and her husband

[atimetobealive]

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

@BillBaileysBum I know it is frustrating

@Bluntness100 no reply. Not unusual though

I’ve had friends who’ve been the architect of their own destruction. They’d tell you their problems, ask your advice, do the complete opposite then start blowing your phone up when it all goes wrong. When it happens time and time over, it gets incredibly wearing.

I’m not sure if she’s just dwelling on the unfairness of it all (🙄) or genuinely hankering after a loan but I would just change the subject or take a step back. You can’t have it both ways and if they won’t help themselves, what can you do?

I don't get all the posters who are saying that she is looking for a loan as a loan needs to be repaid. More than likely it was free money she was after. Like you I would not be happy that they turned down the work you offered.

If she continues to bring this up in conversation ignore if possible or just say something sympathetic but don't let her go on indefinitely.

'It’s the continued moaning about having no money when there is a perfectly reasonable solution being offered by me and, from what I believe, a few others.'

I understand the frustration OP, but would the work you offered have been a solution to their money problems? If they are tens of thousands in debt or at risk of having no long term income, then four days of work was not going to be a solution in any real sense.

You don't do a full house rewire and 'other bits' in four days.

Maybe he didn't want any argument about expectations?

If they are tens of thousands in debt or at risk of having no long term income, then four days of work was not going to be a solution in any real sense.

Unless they're about to file for bankruptcy or plan to default on any debt that they may have, then of course it's a partial solution. Whatever their financial situation, they have a real chance for him to use some of his time (or which he's had/got loads more free than they could have planned for), his skills, qualifications and experiences to reduce their debt/deficit/items on their 'must buy' list by £2-3K.

OP says that he's had a number of other similar offers too and turned them down - so potentially, if there were even four other jobs of a similar magnitude and value that he's passed up, that's £10-15K extra that they could have had (or the same amount less debt they could be in). Most ordinary folk wouldn't be in a position to just turn down that kind of money - for doing their own regular kind of job - whether skint or doing OK for money; that kind of prerogative would normally only be the preserve of the very wealthy, certainly not somebody who's constantly worrying about how broke they are.

@atimetobealive

Perhaps I am the worst friend but I can’t be fucked listening to the moaning. I was sympathetic until he refused work 🙈 We all have problems, myself included, but the majority of us would be grateful if a solution was offered.

I’d find it strange too.

I think you just have to repeat the same thing over and over each time she mentions it

Sorry to hear that, hope things pick up soon

You don't do a full house rewire and 'other bits' in four days.

Then that's even more money for him to potentially earn, which he#s turning down. Having said that, I gather from what tradesmen have told me in the past that a lot of the time taken for a rewire is used in working around the people living there, moving furniture and stuff/clutter around and having to sweep up, replace carpets/floorboards every evening, put in temporary basic circuits for the occupants to manage with. An empty house with no occupants can be left in any old state of 'in-progress' mess and uninhabitability until the job is completed.

Everything that the OP has said clearly suggests the intention to pay a fair price for the work done and, I dare say, more than ample funds to do so as well. They were asking him to quote, so he could have carefully priced it all up, said "actually, that's more like xxx days' work for just one person" and quoted accordingly. Unless his quote was outrageous and/or his productivity genuinely much lower than the average professional in his trade, I doubt OP and DH would have turned him down in favour of a stranger who would also have quoted similarly, based on xxx days' work.

He/they may have any number of reasons (although you'd think that the DW would have given some indication to such a long-standing friend), but this is just making me think of the old Jimmy Cricket gag where his Mammy writes to him and says "Your Daddy has been receiving a number of threatening phone calls recently - from people offering him a job."

I think you just have to repeat the same thing over and over each time she mentions it

Sorry to hear that, hope things pick up soon

Yes. Without wanting to come across as PA or uncaring, for my own mental wellbeing as well, I would respond to her based on how they're managing things. "Yes, it's definitely not a time for luxuries or indulgences, is it?" or "I know what you mean: you have to budget and prioritise, don't you?"

If she comes back with "I'm not talking about foregoing luxuries - we're about to have our power cut off/get CCJs/lose our home," I'd respond genuinely and sympathetically (every time) with "That's terrible, I really feel for you - I hope something turns up very soon to improve your situation and increase your income" and then just leave it there, allowing her to join the dots herself, if she so wishes.

There's no point in challenging somebody's way of thinking if they already fully comprehend the extent of the situation and have made their decisions accordingly. All this is assuming that it isn't her DH refusing whilst she desperately wants him to do it and is willing to manage on her own with the baby whilst he's away doing it, of course.

Finfintytint Mon 01-Jun-20 12:37:01
If he’s been furloughed then I didn’t think he could take on other paid work

of course he can, it's a friend paying cash. Anyway he;d need to test and make sure that his eyesight is good enough for going back to work.

You’re not being unreasonable .
He sounds lazy or she sounds controlling and doesn’t want him to work . How many children do they have . It doesn’t take 2 adults to look after a 10 week old baby .
Tell her to stop whinging.

I would be inclined to ask why the turned the job down if they are strapped for cash in reply to her message.

I get it OP.

I've just accepted a contract role that I don't particularly want due to a 3 hour round commute on PT when we don't need the money.

But, if I don't keep working now (and if I turned down this particular role) I'm not sure when I'll be working again.

You do what you've got to do in these uncertain times.

I mean no disrespect to them in asking this, but is/are she/they very poor at understanding money and budgeting? We all have strengths and weaknesses and, for some, this can be one of their weaknesses: failing to rationalise the connection between money coming in and money going out. There can be almost a financial 'blindness' that means you can understand that you spend your life doing job (or making claim) A, you get money B every month or week and then you spend money C on what you need and want. People who struggle can sometimes not see how they relate to each other and might not even realise that, if C is now very difficult, because B has stopped, that means there's an issue with A and you need to find a replacement or alternative for A, in order for B and C to work smoothly.

Of course, there's every chance that this isn't the case here, but it is a possibility. Not everybody has the same learning and logical-thinking abilities. It's basic to me, but then running 100m in less than five minutes would be basic to most folk, but it wouldn't be one of my.... strengths

Also, I wouldn’t lend money to them. Never a lender or a borrower be and all that.
Never a truer word. It's amazing how upset/angry the borrower gets when the lender asks for their money to be repaid.

Could it be that they didn't want to work for you as these things can get uncomfortable despite the fact they're struggling and then she absent mindedly moaned about money, forgetting your offer?
Except OP says he's been offered work by other people and turned that down also.
And as I just mentioned - I’m not the only person who has offered Paying work

You have done your best Attime just got to let them get on with it. Just nip her moaning in the bud. You don't need to hear it anymore.

Reminds me of the not so young bloke that turns up occasionally to work with Hubby. Lost his benefits and is being investigated, was sprung doing tattoos with a mobile kit for cash and not declaring it.

If he just turned up to work (construction industry) he wouldn't need to be on the benefit and wouldn't have been sprung doing tattoos for cash either, because they would not have been looking at him in the first place.

Can never afford fuel for the car, been stuck on job sites or nearby roads unable to get home, so ''someone'' bails him out.

It's probably what your friend is hoping for, to be bailed out of trouble and float along with what ''they want to do''.

Sorry if I've missed something, but is he not being paid while furloughed? And presumably she was already expecting to be paid less/little while on maternity leave (if she works)?

FWIW I think you've done a good thing and the refusal then continued complaining would annoy me too.

Unfortunately it sounds like she has ended up with a shit lazy husband and is trying to justify is laziness to herself and others by saying that he's so caring towards the baby he can't tear himself away. In reality I bet he sits in front of the TV or games console with a can of beer.

If he really loved the baby he'd get off his lazy arse and provide for it.

Makes me wonder what men like that did in our ancestral past. Did both parents sit in their cave cooing over their baby until they starved to death?

@atimetobealive this is very similar to a situation we are in. OH has offered work to a self employed builder friend who is pleading poverty due to not working. He regularly works for him and has done for years. It’s around three weeks work in isolation, local to him. He can choose the hours he wants as long as the job gets done, obviously OH will always pay the builders day rate as he always does. But builder friend is not taking the work but racking up debts while not working. I am a key worker & have worked all the way through. OH while not able to have opened his premises has worked constantly using the time to decorate, renovate, sort admin for his business and put plans in place to reopen when safe and unfurlough his staff as soon as possible. So yes very frustrating and I totally get where you are coming from.

I don't know why it's bothering you so much. It is none of your business if they want to work or not. Your friend of 32 years has money problems, a new baby, and wants a moan. Just listen and be sympathetic. There could be many reasons why they don't want to rewire your house when he is furloughed, some of which they'd rather not share. That doesn't mean they can't still worry about money.

@Poetryinaction I half agree with you. The friend probably does just want to moan and not necessarily be handed an easy solution. But maybe the OP just wants to have a moan about her friend. There doesn't seem anything unreasonable (to me) that the OP has said or done, but some (not all) PPs have managed to find "reasons" anyway.

Wow are you this woman's friend? She's just had a baby and straight into lockdown. They've lost income. You offered her husband work and for whatever reason he didn't want to do it.(maybe feels uncomfortable working for you? Maybe you asked for a cheap rate last time? I don't know but I'm afraid there's probably a reason).

It's just four days - leave it. Forget it. Tell her to check out the various government options available to help. Be helpful not mean. That's my advice.

I agree - however, my advice would be for the friend to disengage from OP

Being totally upfront here, my husband is very much the same.
He knows we're strapped for cash, he frequently talks about how worried he is about it, but turns down any opportunity he has to make extra money.
I am earning 4 times more than i was 10yrs ago but back then we didnt have any debt. Weirdly now we have more income than ever, out debt has also spiralled.
Hes happy for me to make myself ill by taking on additional work but he always finds an excuse for why he cant do it.
As much as i love him, i find it very hard to respect him over this aspect of our marriage.

Maybe your friend is dealing with similar. She may have had words with her husband over it but doesnt want to be disloyal by telling you?

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Your friend is playing the victim!