to be really confused by my friend and her husband

[atimetobealive]

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

Perhaps she's not coping well
Perhaps he is not coping well
We don't know their reasoning, pick up the phone and call her

It's sad they aren't being honest.
All the ideas on here for why they may have turned it down ate legitimate but why not just be honest.

She knows you have money. She wants you to offer her a loan. Tell her bollocks. Entitled fuckers.

Sorry but I think shes secretly hoping you'll hand over money to them without her husband doing the work.

I'd be quite pissed off (but that's me, if someones been given the opportunity to get rid of a concern, and they choose not to, then I'm not really interested in hearing about it anymore)

After this, anytime she brings up finances, I'd move the conversation on quite quickly!

Perhaps her money worries are exaggerated or he's in ignorant bliss .
Some couples are not honest with each other about finances .
If she mentions it again ask her ?

Maybe she thought you were expecting him to work for free or very cheap so said no and has now realised that you were willing to pay full rate and changed her mind.

That's a good point - she could have thought you were being CFs who had latched on to the fact that he now had spare time, but were conveniently ignoring the fact that his free time also meant that they had money troubles. If you've made it clear that you'd budgeted the going rate for the work and the money is available to pay somebody who can do the job, I don't see how much clearer you can make it.

Several people saying that they're after a loan: that may be right, but if they're already struggling, how and when would they pay the money back? If they couldn't repay it directly, maybe they could repay it 'in kind', possibly by using their skills and time - which is exactly what the OP and DH proposed in the first place.

As has been said, they obviously need a longer-term solution and two weekends' work might not see them clear of their money woes, but it's still a fair old amount to go towards it. It's hardly going to worsen their financial situation having this extra chunk of money - and it isn't like you're just chucking him a fiver.

I'm sure she does appreciate having him around to share looking after the baby, but if there had been no pandemic and thus no furlough, she wouldn't have him around all day, would she?

My only thinking - and I may be off the mark here - is that, if they're now claiming UC, could this go against them and reduce the amount they can get by the same or nearly the same amount?

Whether it's the case for her/him/both of them here, I definitely agree that there are a lot of folk around who are only happy when they're miserable and have something to complain about. You get the impression that, if a genie popped up, said "Give me your complete list of woes" and suddenly made them all disappear forevermore, they'd be heartbroken and feel all forlorn.

If she's somehow expecting you to give them the money for nothing, exactly how does she expect you to be able to pay the tradesman who does want the work that you need doing - and for which you've budgeted and set aside that money?

Are you offering to pay the going rate?

Yes I agree with you. It was lazy to turn down the work. When they're supposedly worried about lack of money.

I got the impression OP was clear to friend/her H how much he would be getting paid.

it can also be irritating when people keep trying to fix a problem if you just want a listener.

I agree when people are offering well-meaning or patronising but ultimately useless fixes - like the traditional MN 'book a 5-star hotel spa weekend to forget about being penniless' - but if they're suffering financially because he's unable to work and somebody offers well-paid work that fits his skills and experience, why wouldn't you grasp that opportunity to fix your problems with both hands.

It reminds me of that old joke about the man stuck on the very apex of the roof of his house that's about to disappear under huge flood waters and people come along with numerous rescue vehicles, but he keeps turning them away and shouts "No, the Lord will provide!" The waters rise, the whole house is submerged and he drowns and dies. He goes to Heaven and angrily demands of God to know why He didn't provide and step in and save him and God replies "I sent eight boats and three helicopters - what more did you want?!"

If he was furloughed, he's had, what, 8 weeks with his baby? Most new dads only get two weeks paternity leave. I doubt he's spending that much time with the baby either. He couldn't spend 4 days away to get some more money in and avoid more debt?

They either want a 'loan' that you will certainly never get back, or they just like to moan and have no solutions. Either way, ignore them, change the subject after 'aw I know it sucks but it will get better'.

I agree with the other posters who’ve suggested that she might be struggling ATM. She might not be able to face him working 7 days a week and leaving her with sole care of their baby.

Perhaps his non work hours are already filled with other private work, but they don't want it to be known.

I just wouldn't respond tbh. But don't respond to any of her woes about money ever again.

YABU. Sounds like you're a problem solver in your friendships and she just needed someone to vent to. Maybe she's really anxious about money, and your offer, while nice, wouldn't have supported them financially long term. I think perhaps it's the bigger financial picture she's concerned about. She probably just needed a listening ear and some compassion.
You don't sound like you like her very much so maybe leave them to it.

I think it's strange that you were using her as a middle man. Did you hear it directly from him that he didn't want to do it? I have a feeling she might have turned it down without asking him.

You don't sound confused at all. You sound extremely sure of what you think and where your friend is going wrong.

I doubt that the temporary work you asked your friend's partner to quote for would have solved her longer term financial worries anyway.

your offer, while nice, wouldn't have supported them financially long term.

But you can say the same about just about everybody in almost any job, unless they're a writer, musician or similar and make lifelong royalties from a single piece of one-time work.

What's the point in anybody working in June as the money they earn from work done this month is unlikely to see them through August and September?

So she has a new baby and possibly needs support from her DH more than she needs money atm. That doesn't mean that she isn't still worried about money but you have no idea about her MH.

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

your offer, while nice, wouldn't have supported them financially long term.

But you can say the same about just about everybody in almost any job, unless they're a writer, musician or similar and make lifelong royalties from a single piece of one-time work.

What's the point in anybody working in June as the money they earn from work done this month is unlikely to see them through August and September?

ahahahahaha at the royalties bit. Sorry, I know it's not on topic but I work in a profession like that and it's as hand-to-mouth as anything else. If there are ever royalties they're a long time coming.

I disagree with the comments about 4 days work not making a difference to their money troubles. Surely that’s the case for every piece of work self-employed people do?
My DP teaches individual sports lessons for a living. His 7am lessons each morning at £30ph don’t make a dent in the mortgage but each one of those hour long lessons add up to a very nice income! But that wouldn’t be the case if he turned them down because it’s only a small amount each time.

This is what I think as well - definitely angling after a “loan”.

To answer a few points...

I’m not angry or annoyed that he turned me down, we know other electricians who we know do a good job. I’m just a bit 🙄🙄 at the moaning about money.

To whoever said I was fixer/problem solver....who wouldn’t offer someone work when it’s there to be done, they are qualified to do it and I am willing to pay?

To another poster...does it matter if it it only helped them short term? It’s better than nothing.

Also, I wouldn’t expect it to be done on the cheap.

Another point - it is a rental expense that my husband puts through his tax return - what my friend’s husband declares on his isn’t my business 😬

Also, I wouldn’t lend money to them. Never a lender or a borrower be and all that.

We’ve also messaged another spark who’ll come out this week and price it up.