to be really confused by my friend and her husband

[atimetobealive]

My friend had a baby in the middle of February And lockdown obviously commenced in March. Her husband was furloughed and it put them in a tight spot with money. She’s been worried about it non stop and has taken all the relevant payment holidays etc.

Anyway, my husband has a rental property (nothing fancy it was the house he bought before we met and he’s kept it and we live in a house I bought prior to our relationship.) That needs a full rewire And other bits done and i asked My friend if her husband would like to do it. He’s an electrician but very handy in other things too and could do all the things we needed done in the house.

I messaged my friend last week and said what needed doing and asked her to ask her husband to give us a quote for all the work.

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby. fwiw it would take maybe two weekends to complete or four days during the week.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down 🙈

She just responded and said “that’s not the point...”

WIBU to respond to say I’m not interested in listening to money woes when he’s turning down well paid work?

Maybe 2 weekends' work wouldn't have solved their financial problems and she needed his help with the baby. I don't think you're unreasonable to think "but I offered him work" but I'm not sure I would have said it to her.

I said that’s fine no worries we can get someone else to do it and pay them.

Be honest OP - are you a bit put out that he turned down the work - hence the ‘we’ll pay someone else then’ vibe? Maybe you were hoping for mates rates when it was cash in hand, and now you’re having to pay full whack, so part of you is not feeling particularly sympathetic as a result.

If you were saying, ‘Well we still haven’t found anyone to do that work - are you sure he isn’t interested?’, that would be helpful. Saying ‘Well he shouldn’t really have turned down paid work then, should he?’ just sounds a bit ‘I told you so’.

Your response really depends on how much you value the friendship. If she’s always been a good friend in the past, maybe bite your tongue and make the right noises rather than effectively telling her it’s their own fault.

Sounds like she's hoping you'll offer to bail them out without him doing the work.

I thought so too.

I had a friend like that. She loved to moan about everything in her life and how difficult life was and how much worse off she was than everyone else. When myself and another friend, after spending hours listening to her, offered some practical advice and help she just wasn't interested. We realised soon after that this was her normal, she just liked moaning and the sympathy that her woes elicited, she wasn't interested in actually fixing any of her perceived problems.

Maybe she is indirectly complaining about her husband and less about the financial situation?

That would be quite a hard unfriendly response.

People can want to spend time with their baby AND be hard up.

It isn't legal to work elsewhere while the Gvt are paying your furloughed wage bill, and presumably professional electricians need their work to be certified - whose public liability or professional indemnity insurance would his work be covered by?

Is she a friend or someone you want to be sorting out your DH's property jobs?

Just reply : sorry to hear that, times are indeed tough!

You had a lucky escape - never use friends for building work.

What is the point? Are they entitled slackers?

Op, I’d read it differently to the others. I’d read it as exactly what she said.

“He didn’t want to do it”

And

“She’s really worried about money”

They are two separate people and even though they are a couple it doesn’t mean they think with one mind. It would appear to me he’s rejected the work and she’s the one worried about money.

The “point” I’d assume is he doesn’t wish to do any extra work to close the finance gap and she’s worried about it

If he can't take the job because of the furlough rules then wouldn't the friend have said that?

Is she the type of person to moan about life in general?
I have a friend like this.....very much woe is me and my life and help/advice is always offered. She will then tend to go quiet about it then moan about it again a few weeks later so obviously has not tried to do anything about it! I tend to ignore her when she's like this now or reply with my current issues which she doesn't want to know about as she can be the only one with struggles.

I can’t stand people like this who just want to have something to moan about and won’t actually proactively change their situation.

I know how you feel OP. We’ve been asking an out of work family member (builder) to do our front garden for weeks. Eventually we asked for a recommendation of someone else and they were suddenly keen to do it. Now two weeks later nothing has happened and it’s been excuse after excuse. Its so annoying because I just want to hire someone else who could do the job in a week but DP doesn’t want to upset family member

If she was moaning about DH she wouldn't have defended him by saying “that’s not the point...”

I'm afraid it sounds like they think they should be compensated without working.

Some people just enjoy moaning. I'd employ someone else to do the work and, if she mentions her finances again, just let it go over your head and don't engage in conversation about it. If It had to respond, every time she moaned about money I'd just say "yes, you've told me before".

She isn't trying to cadge money from you, is she?

Maybe it would be difficult for him to take on more work and help out with the new baby?

Everyone's babies and experiences are different. Our baby was high needs and I would have found it difficult if my husband was away even for just two weekends. Whereas I have friends who had babies who would just happily lie around cooing.

I have friends who I would give money to if they needed/asked for it because I value their friendship more than money. Not enough that it would bankrupt me though! I guess it depends on how good of a friend she is?

She's recently given birth in very stressful times, could she be struggling..? PND? Perhaps he does actually needs to be there for her, and if he's about to start back at work, then weekends / evenings are going to be doubly precious to her support needs. It might not be as simple as £s needed. Do you know how she is doing in herself..?

She came back to me to say that he doesn’t want to do it because he’s just about to start back work in the near future and doesn’t want to be away from their baby

Maybe that's the truth? He wants to be there for her and the baby before he returns to work. They have money concerns. They've decided to prioritise time with the baby. They can still be concerned about money.

Not really the issue, but her mat leave will have been planned for, he's back to work soon so they will have had 3 or 4 months of 80% pay.

They're living pretty close to the line if this has screwed them financially. They are many life events that lead to considerably more loss in earnings.

@SlowDown76mph

She's recently given birth in very stressful times, could she be struggling..? PND? Perhaps he does actually needs to be there for her, and if he's about to start back at work, then weekends / evenings are going to be doubly precious to her support needs. It might not be as simple as £s needed. Do you know how she is doing in herself..?

Yes, exactly what SlowDown76mph said. If this is someone you care about, I would approach the situation from this perspective.

@HollowTalk what you said!

Could she be talking about the long term ? If the economy is going into recession, how likely is he going to be able keep or to get secure work ? With just having had a baby and stuck on lockdown they are most likely very worried as to how to pay the bills in the future not just 2 weekends work. My brothers just been made redundant whilst in the middle of buying a house, yes he can do bits and pieces but it's not going to be secure or enough to pay the new mortgage.

Most trades will actively avoid working for friends as it nearly always ends in problems. Besides that is hes employed i highly doubt he himself is registered to provide you with a building control completion cert.

"that's not the point...."

Ok, what IS the point?

It sounds like she wants to sympathy about the problem rather than suggestions on how to fix it. Irritating but people do need to blow off steam sometimes, it can also be irritating when people keep trying to fix a problem if you just want a listener. Does seem odd to turn down the work.

Is also possible he just doesn’t want to work for you for some reason, or doesn’t feel competent to do the work, and is finding it awkward to say.

Anyway, fast forward to this morning and she said in a whatsapp message that she’s really concerned about their financial situation. I responded and said that we had offered him quite a significant amount of work that would Have been well paid and he turned it down

If he's in the same WhatsApp group he'll see your message (if that's how you replied to her today) so he'll know now if he didn't before. And you say he's done some work for you before, so the issue of falling out if the work isn't up to scratch probably doesn't arise. Even if he's furloughed, he can still work for himself on his non-working (weekend?) days.

I'd just leave it and say nothing. She knows how you feel from your first reply, and if she makes any more comments don't respond at all.

Yeah what is the point then if they turn down but but complain about money!?