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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To return the money to my husband or not?

337 replies

YouCanMakeItIfYouTry · 30/05/2020 22:12

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

OP posts:
RandomLondoner · 31/05/2020 00:06

Hang on, what happened to his shares? Is he planning on keeping 100% of savings and investment in his name, in addition to his share of the house?

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2020 00:07

Solicitor.
I feel torn between what is right. I mean, he did earn most of that money before we met. I was financially not ready to buy a house.
You’re torn about how to be fair. He’s not torn at all. You are less important than him so he will trick you into accepting less than you deserve and expect you to continue to look after the children and continue to compromise your earning potential to suit his business leisure and dating. Your own business leisure and dating will have to fit in with his wants while you are not financially compensated for this. He has never contributed fairly to you before, now you’re divorcing and he thinks you should trust him on an empty promise to pay you more than he has to in the future?

I worked so hard to handle my career and the kids over the last 10 years and I burnt out.
You deserve more than 50/50 because you’ve compromised your earning potential, and will continue to do so, paid in more as a percentage of your earnings than any woman I know, and enabled his career by also doing most of the parenting. Take it. He’s also fucked you two over by being ‘the expert’ who told you you didn’t need a pension. Fuck him.

RandomLondoner · 31/05/2020 00:08

Question for everyone saying get a lawyer: are separate lawyers necessary - isn't mediation an option for getting a fair financial settlement? (I want to store this info for future reference!)

Viviennemary · 31/05/2020 00:09

I agree it would be wrong to try and get the money he put into house. Still you need to get legal advice before accepting any offers.

Member869894 · 31/05/2020 00:12

I'm a lawyer. You would be mad to act apt this

Member869894 · 31/05/2020 00:13

Accept

MotherOfDragonite · 31/05/2020 00:16

You could always accept that initial stake in the house was his and give it back, but still argue for a 70/30 split of the remaining house equity to reflect the greater contribution you have made (and will make) to childcare and the damage to your career from having children.

But to be honest I think you need a good solicitor and full financial disclosure. Most large firms will offer to match pension contributions as part of standard perks/benefits and it would have been crazy not to take advantage of this. I would be extremely surprised if it is really true that he has no pensions.

Allyfromtheblock · 31/05/2020 00:17

You will need somewhere to live with your children. You won’t be able to earn enough on a new business to pay for new property straight away as you mentioned you are just growing this business. He should leave the house to you.

purpletotes · 31/05/2020 00:18

Hi OP please please get a solicitor. It's imperative. Many do free half hours etc although not sure what is happening in the current climate but you must seek legal advice. It's too much to sort out alone and you do not know how amicable this divorce is just yet. It's not up to your dh if you have a solicitor and you don't need to mention it just yet either.

Waveysnail · 31/05/2020 00:19

Crikey u need legal advice asap. I know nothing but surely you need to know all the assets to then decide a fair split. I'm guessing there are assets he hasn't told you about.

Howlongcanthisgoon · 31/05/2020 00:20

I had a friend in the same situation. Apparently all of your wealth becomes shared once you marry. He lost his deposit money and they had to split everything 50/50.

MadameMeursault · 31/05/2020 00:21

If the kids are mainly staying with you you should get more than 50%. My friend who has one child got 60%. See a solicitor. Presumably you’re going for a proportion of everything else too?

Waveysnail · 31/05/2020 00:22

And if he has all this earning potential then why doesnt he buy a new property and let you stay in family home until the youngest child is 18? Or move into one of the investment properties?

Covert20 · 31/05/2020 00:24

Get a lawyer

Rainbowqueeen · 31/05/2020 00:29

Op remind yourself over and over that he is only being amicable because he is getting what he wants.
He knows it will be hard for you to work, he knows you will bear the bulk of the expenses for the kids, he knows your income will be much less than his. And he doesn’t care.

How much less likely to care is he in 3 years when he decides he wants to buy something extravagant and this pesky maintenance is stopping him.

Get legal advice. Ask Rights of women or Women’s Aid for recommendations. Then do what your solicitor says.

Yes it is hard to change your mindset but do it for your kids sake.

Jeaniealogy · 31/05/2020 00:29

Absolutely do not agree to anythung until you have seen a solicitor and have full financial disclosure. He's an astute man, he'll have investments all over the place I'll wager. 10yrs ago My Ex was insistent he was due 50/50 , no maintenance and keep his pension - 10 court hearings down the line where I self repped up to the final hearing where I instructed a shit hot lawyer I got 80 percent of the equity in the house and his share was swallowed up by legal fees. Please do what you can to safeguard your kid's futures

Starlightstarbright1 · 31/05/2020 00:40

He is in finance - yes you need to know all the assets savings in this marriage.

Is he self employed ? Don’t be suprised if his declared income drops dramatically if so.

Whichoneofyoudidthat · 31/05/2020 00:41

There’s a lot more involved than property. My husband works in finance and we’ve been expats for many years. If all he had was a property to split with me to the tune of 500k after all this time...? Well, he wouldn’t be much of a financier would he?

Justaboy · 31/05/2020 00:56

Can I just for very good reasons point this out please?

GET THE BEST SOLICITOR YOU CAN FIND!

Got that? Good!

The general idea these days is the the matrimonial assets, all of them!, are pooled and then split. But thats not normally 50/50 the court will take into account the childrens intestes and with whom they live, usually the mother but for some reasons not allways.

The person looking after the children will need a home and money to do that and thats were the court will decide, you need the best legal repesentation you can get! please trust me!

Enko · 31/05/2020 00:56

50/50 your earning potential and forthcoming pension has been compromised due to your children and leaving work etc. His was supported by those choices.

FagashJackie · 31/05/2020 00:57

There is no way that he has a job in finance with no pension.

Seeingadistance · 31/05/2020 00:59

I think you need to get a solicitor, but I don’t think you’re entitled to get 50% of the house. When I got divorced, I got back most, not all, of the significant deposit I had put down, then the rest was split 50/50.

CSIblonde · 31/05/2020 01:03

As an ex legal sec in matrimonial this is bog standard tactic (disguised as 'let's be amicable') from wealthy men when divorcing, to get round all assets being 50/50 split. See a Solicitor. Get everything you're entitled to.

NoMoreDickheads · 31/05/2020 01:05

Get a solicitor and see what you can do. That way you'll know you've got the best outcome you could for you and your kids, and not been schizzled.

Muh2020 · 31/05/2020 02:42

You're saying that you will get legal advice.

Please make sure that you do.
Otherwise you will be shafted.