To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

I'm not married but living with DP with 2 D.C. We live with a joint mortgages on what was my property before we met. I own 85% of that property and it it's written up as such. I realise I'm the female and the main childcare in the relationships but there is no way Id let him have 50/50 of my property as that money was all mine before I even met him.

Just out of interest why is her earning power reduced? And why would she get more than 50/50? Op was working full time until the third child which I can't see anywhere where it's mentioned how long ago that was.

Has he told you that he doesn’t have a pension or are you 100% sure there is no pension. Very few finance companies don’t have some from of non contributory pension.

Any other assets you don’t know about?

As everyone else said, get a solicitor. He legally has to declare everything.

I can't say what's fair or right here. You absolutely need your own solicitor to handle this.

Please speak to a solicitor. You will have the children to think about and childcare etc will affect your career.

Thank you all. I feel sick in my stomach to be honest. While we are amicable now there has been much more going on - yes there has been potential financial and emotional abuse but I'm finding it so hard to get my head around this and even using terms as applicable to my life seem strange to me. I'm so confused. I started therapy this week to help navigate this.

Thanks for the advice not to rush into signing anything. Bizarrely today he was talking about rushing things through 'as a quickie to get it over and done with."

I will take legal advice.

“Keeping lawyers out of it” is rarely beneficial to both parties. You definitely need a lawyer, do not accept his offer. You should not be left with £150k with three kids to home while he walks away with £300k. Kids are a massive factor so let him take his £150k back and then have a much fairer split that would allow you to home yourself and your children.

You would be totally unreasonable to agree to this without taking legal advice. You're being shafted.

Its irrelevant that he put the 150k down you lived in it as the family home that makes it belong equally to you both if you were married. I think you need legal advice

You need to talk to a solicitor.

DO NOT listen to the idiots on here.

Keeping lawyers out of it isn’t an option. He IS a lawyer - possibly not matrimonial, but he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. Don’t think he won’t have spoken to one of his colleagues, even if he hasn’t officially instructed anyone.

Don’t beat yourself up over it, OP. You knew something was off otherwise this thread wouldn’t exist. No harm done at this point - just a lesson learned.

Bizarrely today he was talking about rushing things through 'as a quickie to get it over and done with."

Yeah, that's a very classic tactic among financially abusive people. As well as 'keep the lawyers out' and air promises of more maintenance and the like. Nope. It took my mate over 3 years to divorce her financially abusive twat of an ex. It was hell but she's glad she hung in there for what was fair financially.

@Footywife

You need to talk to a solicitor.

DO NOT listen to the idiots on here.

Most of the “idiots” are telling her she needs a solicitor.

No OP that's not a fair deal. Speak to a solicitor. I think from what you've said you deserve more than that. It's about your earning potential going forward as well.

Lawyers. Full financial disclosures.
Children's needs come first

@SnoozyLou

Keeping lawyers out of it isn’t an option. He IS a lawyer - possibly not matrimonial, but he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. Don’t think he won’t have spoken to one of his colleagues, even if he hasn’t officially instructed anyone.

Don’t beat yourself up over it, OP. You knew something was off otherwise this thread wouldn’t exist. No harm done at this point - just a lesson learned.

Thank you.

1. he definitely has a pension
2. you should get more than 50% due to your reduced earning power.

So no, don't agree. And yes, get a solicitor.

It's great that you've kept things amicable but it's vital you get legal advice to protect yourself and your children. My friend has just been screwed over in an "amicable"
settlement as she was unaware of significant assets her ex had accumulated while she put her career on hold to raise the DCs.

Half of everything isn't even fair you should get more due to reduced earning power. Get a SHL (shit hot lawyer) asap.

He is not your friend this is will not be amiable.

If he was putting money into shares and bonds etc when you were married, and all your income was going on the household costs so you couldn't save anything, then I reckon you are entitled to a proportion of those as well.

Agree with others who say you need a solicitor. Otherwise he's going to come out of this sitting pretty with all his deposit plus half the rest of the house totalling £300k, plus all his investments. You'll get only £150k.
Also, his earnings won't be affected at all, whereas your career and earning potential is constrained by childcare.

I think there are two separate (but related) issues here. One is what to do with the £150k, and one is what to do with the wider assets.

If I were in your shoes, for example, I might be comfortable with ringfencing the £150k but taking a 60/40 or even 70/30 split on the rest of the assets, to ensure some security for my kids and to recognize the longterm earnings loss from being a SAHM.

I would certainly not be comfortable with vague promises of exceeding CMS. At the barest of bare minimums, I would expect a settlement to give clear alimony and child support measures (so, e.g., X month alimony for 5 years, and X/amount per child per year until they're 18). This still leaves you vulnerable for changes in his life circumstance, and thus is not preferable, but it's better than relying on some sort of amorphous word.

You need a solicitor. Ask solicitor what is fair.

I might have voted YABU if he had bought the house a long time before you got together. As you were already engaged when he bought the house, then the assumption was that it was the marital home for both of you. I also agree with the posters pointing out that you made just as much of a contribution in terms of running the home and that paying for non tangible expenses, like food or petrol can actually mount up a lot. Hope you can get some proper legal advice before agreeing to anything.

I don’t think you should. You need a home for the kids and personally I think marriage means financial merger. So 50-50 regardless of who put in what. How can you measure the contribution you made beyond money or the money you forgo earning to support him. It also places an awful lot of trust on him to be fair. If he remarries that could go out of the window.

My STBXH also thought we would have our divorce done 'very quickly' and that we would split things 50-50. Did it hell! I had been a SAHM who had not been working for 7 years, while he was on a 6 figure salary. I got a SHL asap and got a very good settlement for my children and I (as shock horror, I have them 6 days a week).

A fair split in these circumstances is more like 70-30 when it is a long marriage and there are children to consider. Don't forget to ask for maintenance to be paid until the children finish full time education (up to first university degree). I'll never forget when my ex said in mediation "but you might have met someone else by then (he obviously having met someone else while we were still married)". The financial responsibility to children does not end when they hit 18 these days.