To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

No pension?! Are you sure?

Where are you both living now? Is this the only marital asset?
I certainly wouldn't take this offer, and would be pushing for probably more than 50% of the profits from sale - assuming you have the lions share of child care and have had to sideline your career as a result?
Also, what about spousal support as well as child maintenance.

This is an important decision for your future, legal advice is essential.

I've just reread your first post and cannot believe he expected you to pay back for expensive holidays of his choosing!!! He values money more than anything. As for no pension, yeh whatever, he's in finance if course he's got a retirement pot sorted. No way is he playing fair he's trying to protect the loves of his life, money and himself. Get a good solicitor and make sure he can be ruthless if necessary. Mine has been a godsend when my "quiet easy going" (according to most people) husband decided to be difficult. He had hidden money, assets and massive pension. Well they are all on the table now and I don't have any guilt any more about going for it as he would have been laughing behind my back.

TBH I think op just be hiring a forensic accountant as he likely has a huge stash somewhere...

Good point @smilingontheinside - who on earth pays back their spouse for holidays? I really don't understand marriages where money is anything other than shared irrespective of who does what to earn it.

@prettytricky I reread that and thought omg what sort of spouse expects that. My stbxh has turned out to be mean, secretive and spiteful can't wait to get away. Covid has a lot to answer for!

Waiting to see what he offered next.

Split absolutely everything 50/50. And also consider his pension.

@maddening no don't even accept 50%/50% she may be entitled to more especially if she is expected to be main carer of the children. He knows this hence his reluctance to involve solicitors. If he's like my stbxh he will have a lot more money than she knows about.

Why on earth would she accept 50% of the assets to house and keep 75% of the family ?

@C0RA The law doesn't give a shit where your 18 year olds live. If they go to uni with a loan or get jobs is irrelevant in the eyes of the law. The house is sold. If you are very lucky and the child is in full time education until 21 they may (on their own behalf) claim child maintenance from their father.

I think even the law would eyeroll at the idea of a father who has not had the benefit of his half of the equity for x number of years continuing because their 19 yo wants to lie in bed all day and play on the Xbox all night. Divorced men actually have a few rights too.

I think even the law would eyeroll at the idea of a father who has not had the benefit of his half of the equity for x number of years continuing because their 19 yo wants to lie in bed all day and play on the Xbox all night. Divorced men actually have a few rights too

Slight straw man there , I didn’t say any of that.

But most 18 year olds at uni need somewhere to live for the 22-28 weeks of the year when they are not at uni. Which they won’t have if their mother has had to sell her home , give half to her ex and buy a one bedroom flat with her half.

So agreeing to sell up when your child is 18 and making them homeless is a bad plan.

I’m always amazed at the depth of hatred that some men / step mothers /new girlfriends have towards their / his children. They are clearly seen as nothing but a financial burden that should be dealt with by their ex / the state / someone else.

It’s appalling.

I don't see how you can make any decision at all before you have full formal written disclosure of all his assets.