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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To return the money to my husband or not?

337 replies

YouCanMakeItIfYouTry · 30/05/2020 22:12

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 30/05/2020 23:07

If you are going to have the children living with you for the bulk of the time then you should let the solicitors sort it out. Don't try to negotiate if money has always been a difficult subject for you both.

Supersimkin2 · 30/05/2020 23:07

Finance = long hours ie you'll have done waaay more than your half share of raising the kids and running the house.

He can't just keep the cash he made while he wasn't doing work at home.

PickUpAPickUpAPenguin · 30/05/2020 23:07

He can't be forced to pay CM "above and beyond" nor see the kids if he decides not to. If he's self-employed, he will be able to avoid giving you the CM that a man who an employee would be liable for.

Definitely seek legal advice. It's likely to be faster and they will be able to warn you of any pitfalls.

CayrolBaaaskin · 30/05/2020 23:08

@Nixen op has just explained the pension situation. Not everyone has a pension, many people don’t especially in the private sector

ChipotleBlessing · 30/05/2020 23:08

Jesus, do not accept his offer. You’ve got a good chance of getting more than 50-50 split on the house and it sounds like he has other assets which you will have a claim on. See another solicitor and claim all you can. He has been low-level financially abusive for years, don’t let him keep it up in the divorce.

villamariavintrapp · 30/05/2020 23:09

Why do you think it should be 50:50 though, that would be fair if you'd come into this relationship equal/with the same, and left it still equal/the same. With the same potential for the future. But that's not the case. He had more cash to start. You've invested more in the family while he's been progressing his career. And now he's way ahead financially/career wise, and you can't catch up because your hands are tied with family responsibilities. You need a solicitor to work out what would be fair financially because it's too hard to put a numerical figure on your contribution. But don't worry about taking money, he's in a much better position than you are to make loads more.

MrsHardbroom · 30/05/2020 23:10

Sounds like he's been very savvy re protecting his money all the way through your marriage- making you pay for trips in instalments despite earning far more than you? And making sure that your money has been spent on 'stuff' for day to day living, while he spends his on assets that he is now trying to ring fence. Please get some proper legal advice, he is trying to pull a fast one.

sestras · 30/05/2020 23:10

50/50 plus maintenance

Speak to a solicitor.

SD1978 · 30/05/2020 23:10

Not a chance. He has a pension, and a much higher earning potential. You have kids and a low paying job at best. See a lawyer. He says he'll pay extra maintainenece- and is under no obligation to do so. So far your making all the compromaise and he walks away with a well paying job, a good pension, and £300,000 you get £150000 and higher maintenance as long as he feels like giving it.........if it wasn't you in this situation, would you tell a friend to accept it?

Cinderella66 · 30/05/2020 23:11

If people wish to protect assets from partners it's very easy. Don't get married and hold property as tenants in common with a deed of trust. Failure to do that, by marrying, means with a marriage with children, everything is shared. There is no his and hers, it's ours.

BacklashStarts · 30/05/2020 23:12

Sheldon has it in one on the first post ‘Get a solicitor your earning potential is reduced because you had his child his isn't. Secondly he's made sure to pay for big capital assets letting you pay for day living expenses seriously not on. Get a solicitor and do not negotiate without one.’

It’s not comparable with the example above because you have paid - you just did that by him paying capital and you paying daily expenses. But X money needed to be paid out and you contributed to that so he doesn’t reap all the benefit.

TheSmelliestHouse · 30/05/2020 23:13

I'd have thought you'd get more than 50%

Alsohuman · 30/05/2020 23:14

Do you remember your marriage ceremony, OP? The bit when you both said “With all my worldly goods I thee endow” or “All that I have I share with you”. You agreed to share everything when you married. The same applies when you divorce. You should take 50% of everything. That’s what you’re entitled to.

Cinderella66 · 30/05/2020 23:17

@Alsohuman that is not the case. The starting point might be 50/50 but op in this case is entitled to more.

RandomMess · 30/05/2020 23:17

Maintenance agreed in court can be stopped after a year... if he goes self employed you may never see a £!

You can pass the house onto his children protecting it if you ever consider marrying in the future etc. It's not just about you it's their future too. Living in luxury with Dad and comparable poverty with you...?

Alsohuman · 30/05/2020 23:19

[quote Cinderella66]@Alsohuman that is not the case. The starting point might be 50/50 but op in this case is entitled to more.[/quote]
That’s grand then. She certainly shouldn’t accept less.

Original poster

YouCanMakeItIfYouTry · 30/05/2020 23:22

In terms of fairness, I guess my gut feeling has always been I should return the money that he earned before we married but it's so much more complicated than that. For me, the care of my kids always come first and and truthfully I don't really know how I can really launch my business while doing the child care he expects.

Thank you all. This thread has given me the confidence to realise I should speak to a solicitor - he is really determined to keep them out.

Ugh, I have been so gullible.

OP posts:

Winterlife · 30/05/2020 23:22

I wouldn't object to this split if you did not have children. But, the reality is, he is likely going to remarry, and your children will be screwed. In my experience in estate planning, men rarely set aside premarital assets for their children - they usually leave it all to the second wife, or don't estate plan, and she gets the bulk of their assets by default. Even if there is a will, she often challenges it, using estate assets for that challenge, and she still ends up ahead of the children.

Perhaps you could suggest that you will set aside half of his downpayment in a separate account for your children? Tell him you don't want issues with a second wife, should he remarry, and if that money is set aside from the outset, and invested for the children, then it will make more amenable relationships in the future.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/05/2020 23:23

You are entitled to more than 50%. Maintenance should be done through the CMS. Court ordered maintenance can be varied after 1 year. Do NOT have a "written maintenance agreement". It is bollocks and means nothing.

He is taking you for a ride. I know this as I've been there. See a solicitor asap.

DarkDarkNight · 30/05/2020 23:25

No way would I agree to that. His promise to pay over and above on maintenance means nothing, it’s worthless. He can only be made to pay wha the CMS says and even then he can make life difficult and minimise it. I don’t know how it works but if he wants to be difficult he could start maximum pension contributions etc. to alter his income.

He has always earned more and depending on custody arrangements will probably be able to continue to work full time without having to think too much about childcare. If this is the case he can take half the profit from the house and get a mortgage without a problem.

Why is he so keen on securing ‘his’ £150000 now and how will you guarantee he keeps his promise regarding maintenance? If money is an issue between you now it has the potential to be a huge problem going forward. I would secure yours and your children’s future by sorting the property out as a priority and not wait for some mythical maintenance figure.

It sounds very controlling as deliberate how his money has gone on property, shares and bonds while you have contributed to household bills, paid rent (is this in the marital home?) and had to pay for expensive holidays of his choosing in instalments.

Hamm87 · 30/05/2020 23:25

Give him what he put in then 20%

CornforthWhite · 30/05/2020 23:26

Think of the kids. You need to protect them and you never know what the future holds. Lawyer up fast.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/05/2020 23:28

You don't have to go down the solicitor/tough as nails approach.
I'm currently getting divorced and we're seeing mediators. We just want to know what the fair split is. They're much cheaper too.

SnoozyLou · 30/05/2020 23:29

If you were married for 5 minutes with no children, that’s one thing. But you were married for a decade and do have children.

Estranged partners tend to be very nice when they want something...

Get a lawyer and see what they say - 100%. You can still conduct yourself amicably, but don’t be taken for his fool.

I think you’d be advised to decline his kind offer. Please do get legal advice.

Marpan · 30/05/2020 23:29

Half
Of everything

I can’t believe your husband made u pay half of ur holiday. In instalments.

You carried his children. The least he could do is provide u with holidays.

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