To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

You NEED legal advice OP.

Dont assume he hasn't had any himself.

Say nothing, sign nothing until you've spoken to someone who knows what all this is about.

I suppose my worry, so far, with getting a lawyer (I have done the free consultations with 3 over the last few years while getting my confidence and personal financials to this point) is they will surely encourage me to chase the money. Isn't that a given if I ask them this question? I don't blame them for that, it's their job (but that's also why I wanted to do this poll. )

I feel torn between what is right. I mean, he did earn most of that money before we met. I was financially not ready to buy a house.

I worked so hard to handle my career and the kids over the last 10 years and I burnt out.

At the same time, he would say my career choice (media) was never going to bring in as much money as his (finance). So even if we hadn't met, I'd not have this kind of payout from a divorce. And he might be right?

Then do it for your kids if you can't do it for yourself. He's trying to screw you over OP. He doesn't care.

He is keeping it amicable because he wants to pressurise you into not getting what you are due.

The years you co-habit directly before you marry count towards the longevity of your marriage. You have DC. The very minimum you receive should be 50:50 presuming you have supported him working up the career ladder, your future earning potential compromised and presumably doing the bulk of the childcare going forward.

You absolutely need a solicitor.

I would say 70-30 of you are having the kids most of the time then 50/50 split if everyone else.

Maintenance changes, what if he became unwell and had to stop working you maintenance would be gone.

Definitely take legal advice and please remember he is not your friend and does not have your best interest at heart.

But he made the decision to marry you and have children - what happens when he meets someone else and potentially has another family do you think he will continue to pay over the odds for maintenance..

You need to plan on worse case scenario, get a bigger pay out now and more than likely he'll say he will only pay CMs because of this bit likelihood is in a year or two when the guilt has worn off he would of done that anyway.

I jus read your update.

I have to add he progressed because you gave him the comfortable home and raised his children, all important jobs (unfortunately unpaid) he wouldn’t have been able to with you being in the team.

Please don’t let me take you for a mug.

Definitely clean break and CMS as that is legally enforceable until the DC are 18.

I'm going against the grain here but he put the 150 k down before you were married and had given up your career so morally I think he should get the 150k and then everything once you were married is split. I think the offer is fair.

NO NO NO

You need a solicitor. Please don't even consider signing anything without one.

Take up front assets as much as possible. Future maintenance is vulnerable to any number of factors.

OP, everything you secure will benefit your children.
Get a lawyer.
Do NOT accept air promises.
They mean nothing.

He could meet someone else and forget anything that is agreed.

Your children will take huge looking after.
Very difficult to do that and work fulltime.

Has he supported the children or have you done everything at the expense of your career and in support of his?

Get legal advice.

Sorry, did you have to pay him back in instalments for the expensive trips he favoured?

Not really relevant I suppose, but I'm a bit gobsmacked.

Anyway.

Definitely see a solicitor. Never rely on an ex husband to be amicable.

What will happen with sharing time with the children? Housing is a priority and you have to have a solution, if that means more equity or you then that is what a judge would decide.

You will have to maximise your earning potential but your mortgage capabilities and his must be taken into account.if he can earn more he can get a higher mortgage, that may not be the case for you.

Also his previous equity is unlikely to be taken into account, a long marriage with children negates that I was the higher earner and had the equity pre marriage however asset split was 50:50.

A court judges what is in the best interests for the children and can the main carer provide. Ages of you both are also relevant. If he has earning potential and years until retirement he can pay off a mortgage.

Honestly, I think it would be really unfair to take money that was earned before you met. 50/50 split is right for everything that was earned after you married and had children, and if you feel you can trust him to be fair with child maintenance, it seems immoral to take so much money from him.

I gave my daughter an amount of money that gave her a deposit on her house. My husband died seven years ago, and I felt that now a lot of my capital was effectively his, so gave her an 'inheritance' if you will (he'd left everything to me, though in practice everything was in both names anyway.

My daughter has had a live-in partner for two years now. Of course they're not (yet) married, but we both feel that that money 'from her dad' shouldn't ever figure in a divorce settlement.

So yep, I'm loath to say that anyone should benefit from money that was put into a house before the present spouse came along.

Ugh. I mean a spouse shouldn't benefit from money that was put into a house before they came along.

Ex and I tried to do the amicable split/no lawyers thing (actually, he had a lawyer and I didn't because I couldn't afford it). The financial agreement was rejected in court due to it being deemed grossly unfair to me. Ex paid for me to get a lawyer after that and it took so much longer than if we'd both just got legal advice in the first place. I think I fell into the trap of trying to be 'fair' in order to keep the peace, when actually I was doing myself out of future financial security.

Definitely get a lawyer!

@C0RA

There is no pension

Really? Neither of you have paid a penny into your pensions , despite your well paid jobs ??

Unfortunately, this is true. We lived overseas as expats where our jobs didn't come with pensions such as here in the UK. He was very much into the idea that one day our property(s) (as in, one day ,when we had more than one) would be a better pension because he said the pension system was screwed and property was a better investment moving forward.

Just writing that now I realise how stupid I sound.

Thanks for pointing this out. Ive been a fool...

YABU because you shouldn't be asking us.

You should be asking a solicitor.

Really

If you’re naive enough to believe there is no pension then you absolutely need a lawyer to advocate for you

70 percent to you 30 to him or 60/40. The court looks at what is fair and what you need to provide a home for the children, plus future earning capacity and because you were disadvantaged financially through having children.

OP if this was just about you, it would be your decision, but your children need to be considered, which is why you should consult a solicitor and aim for half of the house proceeds at a minimum.

@saraclara

I gave my daughter an amount of money that gave her a deposit on her house. My husband died seven years ago, and I felt that now a lot of my capital was effectively his, so gave her an 'inheritance' if you will (he'd left everything to me, though in practice everything was in both names anyway.

My daughter has had a live-in partner for two years now. Of course they're not (yet) married, but we both feel that that money 'from her dad' shouldn't ever figure in a divorce settlement.

So yep, I'm loath to say that anyone should benefit from money that was put into a house before the present spouse came along.

I do understand where you are coming from. X

Get a solicitor. They're all 'amicable' until you don't jump at their initial offer. And everything needs to be in writing, no air promises about child maintenance or anything else.