To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

I am a solicitor (but not in the UK). This is not the time to skimp on legal advice. I suspect that your husband may have had legal advice already. This friendly, amicable approach seems a deliberate attempt to deprive you of your rights. Your STXH is not your friend and he certainly doesn't have your best interests at heart. This settlement will affect your financial future for the rest of your life. BTW for a previous poster you certainly don't have a joint solicitor for matrimonial mattters because your solicitor should be focused on your interests alone.

So yep, I'm loath to say that anyone should benefit from money that was put into a house before the present spouse came along

@saraclara, so you would prefer to see your grandchildren suffer to spite the person who birthed them and who cared for them?

You already have all the advice. I am +1 for getting a lawyer. Sorry about the divorce. Try and think about it as being the best thing for your kids not just you. Also, if you let him screw you like this, you'll eventually get your head in the same place as everyone else's on this thread, and imagine how it will feel in 3-5 years to have been a mug?

I think it’s far that he takes what he came into the relationship with and then splitting the rest as that was a team effort. How that should that split be 50/50 depends on a few things. Has your career been impacted because you had kids, how old are the kids, what’s the custody agreement etc

If you came into the relationship with money while he had none, would you like to give him half of what you worked hard for without him?

You need to hire a forensic accountant. When I read that he works in finance and his only investment is property I sniggered so violently I spat out my tea.

I agree with the above poster.
You need a Solicitor and a forensic accountant.

Your due a share of the bonds, shares and everything else not just the house.
He has a lot more than he is telling you that’s hidden from you.
Where has his salary being going if your paying for everything?
To be honest it sound like Financial abuse.

I am getting a sense that first he is trying to keep hold of money he earned and assets that the money paid for. He is not caring about his children at all. Verbal promises are literally 'hot air'.
After your update I am now getting a feeling you are being rushed to a decision(his) before you have the chance to get your thoughts together or legal advice. He has definitely had legal advice already.
You are being bamboozled.

Don't take less than you are entitled too just because he is being friendly. He is trying to screw, and your children, over.

@Coyoacan

So yep, I'm loath to say that anyone should benefit from money that was put into a house before the present spouse came along

@saraclara, so you would prefer to see your grandchildren suffer to spite the person who birthed them and who cared for them?

saraclara said she gave the money to her daughter, who would be the person who would birth and care for saraclara's grandchildren.

Does he own properties? If he does and as they were purchased during the marriage and especially as you sacrificed your career for him, anything in his name should be half yours.

You don’t even start with 50/50 on what potentially could be a relatively small asset (ie the house) when there may be so much more, let alone offer to refund his deposit. He brought money into the marriage and didn’t ring fence it. Even if there were a prenup, it could be null and void. My understanding is they did not hold much weight until recently in the uk, especially in a long marriage, but I may be wrong.

Personally I think you need a forensic accountant. He’s probably got a lot of money squirrelled away. He was making you pay back holidays in instalments, what happened to that cash? Shares? Pension? Properties.? Etc.

You’re going to have to start chasing money. Please don’t sell your kids short. He sounds like a vile man. He will fight you for maintenance. He won’t see it as money for the kids but for you. If he then goes and gets married and potentially has another family, he also sounds like the sort of man, who would cut his children out of a will. This happens a lot.

As you will have custody by the sound of it, you will be entitled to more than half. You really need a shit hot lawyer. Ask on Mumsnet legal for advice on how to find one or if someone knows one in your area. If you work for a sizeable company, you could ask HR who they use. They may know someone good etc.

Don’t let this arsehole take you for a fool!

Since you are married it should be split 50/50. You would be advised to take everything you can get as it's your future and that of your children.

I understand the problem. When I divorced we had very little (and no house to sell)….we separated fairly amicably and so I didn't want to seem grasping, I just wanted to be fair. I also didn't want a huge lawyer's bill and big fights in court. But my solicitor made me go for things like pensions and stuff saying I would feel differently in years to come.

The solicitor was right and I'm glad I followed the advice. I gave up a good career and the best years of my life to stay at home with the children and support him in his career change....that should have had some financial worth.

It's true your partner put in a hefty deposit; if you had a special contract drawn up which states he gets this back first, fine (although it can be contested) but if not, no. You should put a value on all the housework, support, childcare etc. that you have contributed and at least trade this off, or else fight to keep the house until the children are 18 or whatever. Looking back I should have fought for even more, I regret that now....

I don't really know how I can really launch my business while doing the child care he expects.
What does this mean, OP? Does it mean he is telling you that you're not allowed to use paid childcare, even though it also sounds like he's doing none of it himself?

I worked so hard to handle my career and the kids over the last 10 years and I burnt out.
It sounds like you spent the entire marriage doing it all whilst also underwriting the costs of his expensive holidays.

A lawyer is not going to force you to chase the money. A lawyer is going to tell you what the court would consider a fair settlement - you can see from @MattBerrysHair 's experience that trying to make a settlement that's unfair to one party in order to keep the peace can actually just prolong the whole experience. If after speaking to a lawyer you still want to pursue a settlement that is less than what they advise, they will act on your instruction.

Bizarrely today he was talking about rushing things through 'as a quickie to get it over and done with."
Not bizarre at all. His goal is to take as much money as possible out of the marriage.

It sounds like at the moment he is employed, could he go self-employed in his line of work? At this point it becomes mysteriously difficult to enforce any kind of maintenance order as his salary drops to nothing and his income comes from dividends.

Do speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand on this. It's not about chasing money it's about what you're entitled to and securing your, and your dc financial future. What your dh is suggesting is not fair or right.

You've enabled your dh to progress in this chosen career by taking on the responsibility of parenting so have vastly reduced your earning potential, you said unthread that you had to give up a job you loved when the dc came along. Your dh hasn't done that. This decision was taken jointly, so any divorce settlement needs to reflect this.

It's amicable because you are agreeing with him.
If you are agreeing with him, then you probably are acting in his best interests not yours.
His life has been facilitated by you having the lesser earning job - what is he giving you from the other properties, shares and bonds?
If he is a financial expert and you are not, then you are getting shafted.

And promises of extra maintenance can easily be broken. After all, you promised to be married to each other for ever and look how that has turned out. His promises are worth nothing otherwise you wouldn't be divorcing him.

Don't get your advice from him, get it from an expert.

The reason he's wanted no solicitors is as soon as you see one, you will know you have been done over.

Oh and the no pension thing, don't believe a word of it, I have worked in finance and they offer the best pensions around. He's bullshitting you op. Of course he wants a quickie divorce and tie things up quickly, he wants to sign up for an unfair settlement in his favour that's why

You should not accept this offer. Why are you solely responsible for the childrens housing costs, you will need a larger home than him to house the kids, get a Lawyer.

Is he going to have the children 50% of the time?

It should be a split of all assets acquired during the marriage not just the house.

He should be including the car, shares, bonds etc. if it’s not then his taking you for a ride for sure

If there was ever a situation where you need a solicitor it is this.
Give your head a wobble
You have kids to protect.

Don't get mad get everything as Gabor said. He has three children he wouldn't have had without you. There is no amount of money that covers that. He sounds wiley and I bet not long from now he's got someone else and you're left struggling while him and they new squeeze are off on fancy holidays. You need proper financial advice and the best settlement possible

You are talking about money that will be used to buy a home for your dc. You married a decade ago, had dc together, compromised your earning potential - a lot has changed since he put down that house deposit. It seems that you and STBXH intend for the dc to live mainly with you? As pretty much everyone has said, you need a lawyer.

@saraclara If your daughter wants to hold onto money she had before she entered a relationship, she may want to reconsider marriage. It's not a sound financial decision for everyone. She can have a loving relationship and dc without marrying. And her assets will never be on the table during a divorce.

Forget fairness. He's not being fair leaving you with the majority of the childcare going forward. You need financially compensating for life now as a LP. He's jointly responsible for them all. Has he not offered to do 50/50? That would be fair. Ask yourself why not?

Get a lawyer before agreeing anything. Even before any tentative agreement. And get as much as you can.

Oh and well done WELL DONE on divorcing this lousy SOB. Who makes their wife pay back instalments of a holiday?!?

legally I think you could get more than he's offering .But basically he's offering to go 50/50 with what you have built up as a couple irrespective who earns what and who's done what and wants to keep the money he had before he met you and you never contributed to.
maintenance going forward is a different issue.