To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

Bollocks, get legal advice. You get half of all assets including pension, savings, property (sold or not) and he pays maintenance.

This is big deal, make sure you get a fair outcome for the earning potential you sacrificed.

I think you should, he purchased the house before you were together.
You will still be able to buy another house with the proceeds.

you need a lawyer. You need some one who will watch your back. You mentioned that he would give you more money above and beyond normal maintenance. What does that mean? How much does that add up to? So he made you pay for trips that he chose and you didn't push back? He does not sound like a good partner and no I would not trust him You would be a fool to not get a lawyer to work out all the numbers with you and protect you and your children.

I know this is not the favoured position, but I'd have him take the kids and you get your career going. Please Please Please protect yourself

Dont forget ask your lawyer

Yet to include the university education issue. Otherwise - under the current system - you could finish up with the kids with no grants/loans because of his earnings but without him being compelled to hell in anyway as they are over 18

get a lawyer - hes being amicable so he can fuck you over!

dont be so naieve OP- you are divorcing, its a business transaction!

get a lawyer - hes being amicable so he can fuck you over!

dont be so naieve OP- you are divorcing, its a business transaction!

No no please don’t do it. I had the same thing when my husband started talking about what he had put in at the beginning of our marriage. Get a decent divorce solicitor, probably a woman and do this properly. This is for you and your children’s future. Generally if there’s young kids involved it’s 2/3rds/1/3rd to the party they live with - there may give a small consideration to other factors but it won’t be anything like the amount he’s asking for. That’s not how it works when there’s been a marriage and kids.
If he’s offering a deal be very clear it will favour him YOU MUST TAKE ADVICE. See how amicable he remains when you take other advice.
Ps I wish I’d known this, got bulldozed the whole way as I so believed my husband.

My exh owned a flat before we met. When we got married he sold it and we used the equity as a deposit on the house. He also tried to ask for his deposit back when we split, but as we had no pre nup he had no claim to it. The house was sold and the equity split 50/50. We’re in Scotland though, so it may be different here. You definitely need to seek professional legal advice, however amicable things might seem now.

Get a lawyer. A lawyer will stand up for your best interests. They will have seen this and every type of situation before, or one of their colleagues will.
Yes, he put some of his own money into the house first and if there were no children then it would be fair enough for him to claim it prior to settlement.
BUT there are children to be looked out for financially and he now will need to spend some of his pre-marriage money on making sure they are supported. You two created dependants! He has to help financially at least.
Pursue a clean break settlement as far as possible so that there is minimal money to come from him in the future.
You paid rent??? You paid back holidays in instalments??? Despite a lower income and raising the family.
Beware, this chap is very financially savvy and you need a lawyer to de-personalise the likely financial battle that may ensue.

Look on Wikivorce for free advice/forums etc. I'm in a similar situation (not as much money to go round). I reckon he is stashing secret accounts!

Please talk to your lawyer about a forensic accountant op. I’d bet my house this man has vast sums of money stashed away somewhere.

Our situation is very different as when we bought our house we were on an equal footing. Since then we had kids and his career took off while I went part time and havent really progressed. I have our historical budgets in a spreadsheet and could easily work out that, for example- I have no idea, 80% of the mortgage payments came from his earnings but I wouldn't accept that the house isnt half mine.

Get a good solicitor. And don't forget his pension, shares, savings etc.

I wouldn't personally be comfortable chasing money which was his before the relationship even began.

Is £150k a decent enough amount for a deposit for you? A judge will expect you to maximise your earning potential, usually by increasing your hours.

But you should of course consult with a solicitor before agreeing to anything. Only you know whether you want a fair proportion of the marital assets, or whether you want to chase money you really shouldn't have any claim to, at least morally.

Sounds like this agreement is more for your ex’s gain. I agree with the rest of the mumnetters on here, 50/50 and don’t agree to anything less. You deserve your fair share! ❤️💪🏻

The person you marry isnt the person you divorce.

Legal advice is just advice. See how amicable he is when he hears you're going down that route.

Sounds like he's bulldozed you the entire marriage and put his money into assets and yours on everything else. He was hedging his bets the whole time that if a divorce ever happened he would come out better.

And the house could easily have lost money over the time you've been together and he would have no recourse.

Please consultant with a lawyer before you agree to anything. You need to understand what you are fully entitled to before you agree to anything. Legally it starts with 50/50 but as you have children and you will be the main carer the split changes and you will be given a higher percentage to enable you to look after the children. Whilst it may start amicably it will in most all likelihood not remain that way. It never does when it comes to money. You need to put your children and you first.

I hope the lawyer is helpful op. Your updated plan sounds much better, but you still don’t consider other assets. And there must be some- there is for example this small pre marriage flat. Cgt is only charged on profits Ie the capital gains so it can’t take it all. Start with financial disclosure.
If you’re really keen on giving him the £150 back make your half a gift 1 yesr after final settlement conditional on settlement being smooth and unobstructed, him maintaining agreed contact schedule and payments and having had full financial disclosure? Gift offer is off the table if it turns out anything was undisclosed. If he’s so much as hidden ten k that 75 is in your claim.Gives you more security on his behaviour during the process and a year to establish things well for the children and you...

Wasn’t the initial 150k part of pre-marital assets? Seems a fair offer to go halves on the house sale profit . Tbh without his initial deposit the 450k profit wouldn’t even exist..

Yes, well, without OP's womb his children wouldn't even exist.
The children need to be housed and supported. This isn't about the OP making a tidy profit after 10 years of 'work'. It's about getting what she is entitled to and that absolutely includes shares of all assets, to secure the future of the children and to recognise the sacrifices she has made financially to be a primary carer for the children.
It's tough to accept you have to not trust someone you once loved and believe that the Father of your children does not have their best interests at heart, but that is what you have to do to ensure that their future is as secure and it can be. You have to do this whilst dealing with all the emotion involved in separation. Best to outsource financials to a good solicitor and leave them to do their job.

Should be a 50/50 split with every asset taken into account and definitely get a lawyer as others have said.

@HeddaGarbled. OP read this post (and others) and please take everyone's advice and seek Legal help. You will need every penny on your own with 3 children. Make sure he has life insurance whilst they are growing up. Get yourself a FAIR SETTLEMENT - raising children has a value too and you must look for HALF of his assets - he sounds stingy, get everything you can for you and your children

Nope nope nope get legal advice all sounds hunky dory now but someone’s a bit more clued up in this relationship and it’s not you 🤭. For the sake of the dc get help get everything in writing xx

Ask you DH. Just how much child maintenance he is thinking will be fair...
Then going on that decide if you let him have the 150k back, or claim more in your finally settlement, enabling you to purchase a house and live mortgage free and spoil your children yourself.

If his financial settlement suggestion to the op is anything to go by, you can bet your bottom dollar that he will manipulate his earnings from his business so he pays the absolute minimum in CM