To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

Oh and definitely SHL

He will only ever pay what he forced to by CMS which has a cap so if he's a high earner it may not be as much as you think...

This is why you need to walk away with 50% and indeed the courts may not agree to you having less than that.

I put a lot more deposit into my house than my husband (we weren’t married when we moved into the house). I got a “declaration of trust” that meant no matter wether we married or not I would always keep the deposit I put in, if we were to divorce. The rest of the house would be split 50/50. This stands even after marriage. If he didn’t have the wish to protect his deposit when you bought the house, then that is his loss. Everything will be split 50:50 after marriage so don’t give him any money. Get a solicitor, he should of had a declaration of trust or pre-nup made if he wanted to protect anything in the event of a divorce (and made a new one if you moved house).

He is completely ignoring your contributions to family life and I don't just mean direct financial contributions. What you did enabled him to do what he did and earn what he did. This offer is not on. Get a solicitor.

YANBU. Lawyer up. Don’t let him take advantage.

I do hope your lawyer advises against you even offering the £150k back to him as a gift - Your children will possibly never see any of this money if you do

Look how ruthless he is being - and his parents for that matter - why do you think he wants to keep the lawyers out of it! So you don't get to find out the extent of his assets, that's why.

Do not accept this.

Forget his nonsense about keeping things amicable. Let your lawyer do her job on your behalf and then see his true colours come out.

You must get legal advice. You can also do financial mediation I believe, where you both disclose everything and the independent mediator work out what's fair.

No way OP. You are legally entitled to 50% of everything...perhaps more as you have children and have currently given up work to look after a child. Your husband knows this and he knows he would have to produce and disclose all his financial information so he’s trying to worm out of it. Don’t let him do that to you! You’ve given up your livelihood to bring his children up!

Get a solicitor what is proposed is not fair. I was completely done over by my husband but a slightly diff position I gave up the house my salary paid for to keep him off my pension, the kids stayed with me though were teenagers.Get a good solicitor and don't back down on what you should have

Not read the whole thread but why did you have to leave the job you were really proud of just because you had a baby? Couldn't you have gone on maternity leave? As a working mother I never understand when people say things like this.

Sorry OP but why do you think you should get 70% and he only get 30%?? You obviously don’t feel like you should get the £150k that he put in (and let’s be honest if you had put it in you would want it back and MN would be agreeing your entitled to it!)

I can tell you from my own bitter divorce experience that he does not have your best interest at heart. Probably not even the kids. You 100% must get a solicitor. My ‘reasonable’ ex husband of 3years has recently emailed me to tell me he’s reducing the maintenance payments because he wants to put more into his AVCs. He already has a lot of pension that I agreed not to touch. I contacted the CMS to formalise the maintenance payment calculation and he called his two children to tell them personally that he ant see them anymore and won’t be taking them on holiday because he can’t afford it because ‘mummy wants more money for herself’. It’s a painful road you’re on but like others have said, do the right thing for your kids and protect their financial future with proper legal representation. Good luck x

If you are the main carer of the children you are entitled to two thirds of the house regardless of what he put in. The law doesn’t care who paid the deposit, if you’re married it all goes into one pot. Get a solicitor onto it. You should get more than his offer

Fuck this OP you deserve 50/50 and your entitled to it, lawyer up!
My mother bought a house when I was a baby, remarried bought a second house still her name on the mortgage, bought 3rd house using money from previous sales at this stage added husbands name to mortgage. So this house was payed for solely by her, yet when they divorced a mere 5 years after been put on the mortgage he got 50/50.
Settle for no less than what your entitled to!

Get legal advise. You are married so as far as I see it doesn't matter what he earned and you earned. You were a family and both learnt to keep the family and to go on holidays. The fact you paid installments to him for a holiday is ludicrous to me. I know some people like to keep money separate but once married that should all go out the door. It should be 50/50.

The fact he put his wages into assets each month and you put yours into daily life speaks volumes... it is as though he was preparing for this, in a way.
Ultimately, unless you have an ironclad prenup, this is not on. Do not give him the money. You have had 3 children, you have provided childcare, you've lost earnings, you'll have missed out on promotions and a sharper career projectory. You have contributed just as much as him.

Good luck with your divorce and your new business!

50/50 on all assets, not just the house. Plus maintenance for the kids and for you, too, if they are under 16. (And higher if they are under 11.)

Tricky. When he bought the house, you weren't married so theoretically why should you have any claim on the money he used to pay for a third of it? However, if you were buying it together to live in when you got married then you could argue he gifted you £75000 at that point. Is the house in both your names and was it when it was bought? It would be easier to claim the £75000 if so. If the house was in his name only when he bought it, then you probably can only claim for your contributions afterwards (the £150000). Alternatively you could say that as the family home, you and the kids should stay put until you remarry, at which point you will be owed half minus his deposit.

I can see why he wants his money back from his original investment but that's not how life/marriage works.

You sacrificed your earning power to his and raised a family whilst also contributing financially, you will also be looking after the kids full time going forward so his promises are meaningless.

He WILL contribute financially re: maintenance because the law says he will so that's a non issue, he's not doing you any favours there, they're his bloody kids! If he offers shared care (50/50) that may cancel out child maintenance so be careful.

As another person said, as soon as he gets a new girlfriend any promises made will soon be forgotten.

Try and keep it pleasant but just state the facts and aim for at least £200,000. If it went to court you would get the lions share because of the kids and HE KNOWS IT.

Just tell him you don't want to fall out and you want to keep things as civil as possible, it's not about ripping him off, you and the kids are owed better than his current offer so he needs to make that offer MUCH more attractive and then leave the ball in his court.

You need to work out what is acceptable to you.... what do YOU want? It doesn't matter what we think. If you're happy with £155,000 then fine go for it. I would be lucky to get that from a divorce settlement!

You need to protect your children's interests. He doesn't seem likely to do so, sadly.

All assets, not just the house. You've been together a long time and teenagers are hideously expensive - small children are not.

Maintenance agreements are worthless after a year. If he's seen a solicitor then he knows this. So he's offering you a generous maintenance deal in the clear knowledge that one year on, all you could enforce would be the bare statutory minimum.

He's intending to rob you blind. No wonder he's anxious to persuade you not to seek legal advice, while having sought it himself. He knows precisely what you are entitled to, which makes this offer all the more outrageous.

@pollymere but they have kids together. You can’t rely on child maintenance lots of men are high earners and get out of paying all the time. OP mentioned them working abroad how will you get the money through CMS then it’s such a slow process in England at the best of times.

Besides OP needs money at present. Anything could happen CMS is based on your salary Husband could be out of a job tomorrow... the. Who will foot the bill? OP

Yanbu. 50% 50% minium he is a C.F.

OP have you considered financial mediation? It's much cheaper than a solicitor and you have to disclose all your finances - so he would have to be open about his pension - and they will see both sides and help you achieve a figure which will also include maintenance and even how the childcare will be split.

I went through it a few years ago and the whole process cost less than 4K for both of us and we eventually came to an agreement we were both happy with.

Definitely worth considering if you haven't yet done so. Just google mediators in your area. I found mine on google and was very happy with her.

Good luck.

Get a solicitor tomorrow.

He is walking all over you.

You have every right to stay in the house until your youngest is 18 btw.

You need proper legal advice here. I cannot stress that enough

As someone who 'accepted' a 50/50 split in order to keep things amicable, don't do it. ExH was earning twice as much as me at the time, although before kids we always earned the same (I went p/t). It's taken me 10 years to catch up and I have next to no pension, whereas he'll retire on a final salary one. Don't let him guilt trip you. At the worst, take the 150k out and split the rest 70/30 (and that's not just the house, it's everything). Also, don't rely even on a legal doc to pay enhanced maintenance. My friend did that with a high earner. He went to work in his new wife's business earning minimum wage and got it overturned, so he benefitted from the money but didn't need to pay any out