paddling pool etiquette or garden play in general

[cola2019]

AIBU to ask fellow mumsnetters about paddling pool or garden etiquette in general??

Kids are 12 and 10 and I bought an 8ft pool for them at husbands pure disgust. Bought it on Tuesday and they have been it everyday. They splash and throw each other off a tyre they may shout a bit and perhaps sometimes they do "fight" over it. Usually busy doing other stuff in the mornings and I am struggling to get them out for a walk because of corona so this gets them off their devices. However hubby says the neighbours do not want to hear children shouting and screaming all day. 1. It isn't all day and 2. It is playing - maybe arguing a couple of times like kids do.

When they were little he didn't like them in the garden so i used to spend all sunny afternoons at the park where they could play to their hearts content.

We live in a street with predominantly older neighbours because the twice we lived in a close and a crescent with lots of families we had to move because hubby didn't like children playing in the street. They were literally outside for 1.5 hours!!! I thought it could end like this as he is not working today but thought I would give it a chance. He has chucked the water out and dismantled it now until they learn to play quietly. Both kids are now both back inside on their devices!!!! I tried to get them out I really did.

Do neighbours mind on a sunny day kids playing outside for 2 hours?? Our neighbours are ok a little strait laced and all in the over 50's bracket but we had to choose a house somewhere where my husband would feel comfortable as the 2 other house moves were disastrous due to lots of families living close by!!! I am sure other kids are out in their pools and I seen photos on facebook. Hubby says it is ok if you live on an estate where you have chosen to be surrounded by children but we made the choice to pay more and get ourselves out of the 'kids everywhere' bubble and the neighbours will be so angry that their peace has been shattered. He has told the kids they need to put a sorry letter through the 2 next door neighbours doors - I have stuck up for the kids and said they don't need to and he is fuming that I have undermined him. Please be honest but who is right here. I think I am but the more I think about it now I am thinking maybe it isn't fair on the neighbours and I should have forced them out on their bikes or a day trip to the beach for the day.

What a controlling twat!

Why has he had a family when he clearly hates kids being kids!?!

If the neighbours are ok I don't see the issue. I have a neighbours that hate everything from gas bbqs to toddlers in pools. We are surround by 4 primary schools that have been around longer than the houses so it's a bit unrealistic to not have kids around but they do get stressed out.

Mine are not as noisy as some kids but they aren't quiet either. One day we came back from a day out and my 2 yr old was having a little paddle, not screaming or being loud but a little giggle and from the other side of the fence the neighbours scream 'for God's sake give us a break!' so loud and angry little one burst into tears and ran indoors, would go in the garden for days incase the scary man shouted at her. I can only assume the family that has kids that are noisy to the point you get a headache had been in the garden all day and we got the backlash of his anger.

Your husband has serious issues by the sounds of it. The days of kids being seen
and not heard are long gone! Kids do play outdoors, they do make noise although parents should make sure it's not the sort that's upsetting people, but i like the sound of laughter and splashing on sunny days and it's far better than being inside! He has completely unreasonable expectations of your kids which is going to be quite damaging to them.

I also know quite a few elderly people who back on to primary schools who don't want to move because the sound of the kids playing makes them feel less lonely and reminds them of their kids when young. So he is really just being beyond sour.

As for writing a note - no way! If no one has complained about the noise they have nothing to be sorry for!

Now of course it also depends on where it is and the size of garden - an 8ft pool in my garden would not be ok because it would be pretty much on top of the neighbours but if you have a big garden and it's not up near the neighbours house then really no issue. It does piss me off when people put the annoying stuff for kids as far away from their own house so it doesn't bother them but right on top of you. My mum has that issue with a huge skate ramp and summer house for the drum kit. As far away from theirs as possible with their huge garden but right next to her patio. The noise is awful and goes on for hours. There's no fence so they know it's right on top of her but don't care.

I would show him all the replies telling him he is unreasonable, verging on emotionally abusive in that the kids can't have a bit of fun, especially in these odd times, with out him flipping out. My ex was like that. I would put it back up if it was me but that could cause you some massive issues!

The problem here is not your neighbours or your kids, it's your DH.

HE doesn't like the noise. In which case why did he have children?

Just pop a nice note through your neighbours doors with you're moby on saying you've bought the kids a pool to keep them occupied in the nice weather but you understand it may get a bit noisy so feel to call you if it gets a bit too much.

Most are understanding: we're all trying to cope in unusual times.

Honestly, children playing (loudly, screaming, shrieking with happiness etc) is one of my favourite sounds. Happiness, innocence, fun. What is not to like about that.
Gardens are for playing with and unless you have bought a place on a retirement facility then if a person gets annoyed with children then that's their issue.
Your husband has some real problems that have to be addressed - not letting young children play in the garden? Dismantling the paddling pool? Making you move twice in the last 12 years because of neighbourhood children?
I couldn't still be with him. I think you need to think of the detrimental effect he is having on your children. He sounds toxic.

OP, are you still there?

Having just RTFT, I picked up on these comments:

I’m inclined to say your DH is a dick but was he brought up in a “children should be seen but not heard” environment and it’s all he knows?

Were your husband's parent controlling and didn't allow him to play like a normal child?

What are your in-laws like? Sounds like DH may have been made to feel guilty about playing when he was a child.

My thoughts exactly. This might explain his behaviour, but it still doesn't excuse it.

Slightly off-topic, I know, but Pack him off to play bowls at the local community centre with the rest of the 70 year olds reminded me of something my DS2 did when he was in Year 8. His English teacher told the class to choose 10 words and define them in their own way.

This is how he defined "Bowls":

A pointless so-called "game" played by cranky old codgers in cardigans.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Miserable, controlling prick. Watch out OP, he will get worse not better.

Hubby’s a miserable twat! Put the pool back up and tell him to shut it! Kids are kids most older people love to see/hear children playing!

I think your husband is a total spoil sport and I wonder why he even had children! My older neighbours love the sound of my children playing in the garden as it makes them feel alive... kids belong outside playing, not indoors sitting quietly. I feel really sad for you :(

I'm sorry op but your husband sounds very controlling. I appreciate that whole noise and neighbours thing as we live in an over 60s style lane and are the only ones with children. our immediate neighbour has hated this since the day we moved in as they don't have children (don't understand quite frankly). They have constantly complained to us about seriously, very little and infrequent playing noise and we have now stated that we only want them to communicate with us by letter.
Your husband is putting other people before his children/family which is strange. To dismantle the pool at a time like this and for him to prefer for the children to be inside is unhealthy.
Have a chat about the fighting etc but NO way should they be forced to be quiet and inside, they are children and you will regret putting the neighbours first. Stand up to your husband or get him to take them to the park/ beach/ walk/bike ride for 2 hours and see how he copes.

Dh and eldest ds have only just got out of our pool at 11pm. NDN are still in theirs.
But were lucky we all have a fab raltionship.

I think that’s really sad. I love hearing children happily playing. Better than other noises going on at the moment (neighbours’ thumping music, dogs barking, pressure washer, etc). I haven’t complained about any of the above and no one has complained about my dc playing. Live and let live — especially in lockdown.

Anothernamereally.... so your argument is that people should not try and think of others... or teach their kids to .... sounds like hell on your st ..everyone just drowning each other out ...( ps I have some noisy neighbours too ... but they aren’t in every day and neither am I)
I suggested compromise rather than demonise her husband like some on here

Cola2019 read your post in February about how unhappy you are and thinking of separating. I really feel for you and your children in this situation. I would normally suggest working at a relationship but he clearly will not. You must end this for your sake and your children before he ruins what is left of their childhood. He does not necessarily get to keep the house. Please see a solicitor and a women's group that can help you. The fact you haven't replied for ages speaks volumes. You asked a question the vast majority of people support you. Please seek help you and your children deserve better.

Oh OP I am sorry that you have such a horrible controlling husband but worse that your children are being denied fun because of this tyrant. Can you leave him to give you all the happy life that you deserve? Do you have support?

Eeew what a horrible man ( on this subject) i work in a care home and one thing ALL my residents say is how they miss childrens laughter! They love all things babies and children having fun like they should be! Yeah you the odd one that likes their peace but your husbands wrong , making them write a letter to say sorry 😲 they've done nothing wrong!

There is nothing I love more than hearing kids playing outside, screaming (happily!) and laughing. I don’t understand people who don’t like this.
I don’t like it when my own argue / have tantrums, but it doesn’t worry me so much when others do, makes me grateful it’s not mine for a change!

@cola2019 OMG, he is fuming you have undermined him when he has undermined you by emptying the pool. If the boys wrote apology notes they wouldn’t then be able to go back in the pool, a 19 and 12 year old can’t play in a pool without making noise, it so not normal.

I’m so sad that he has bullied you so much iver the years that you are doubting your own mind. Fill the pool back up, tell your boys you will deal with their Dad. Step up to the plate and tell your narcissistic husband that if he doesn’t like his own children playing he can move out.

Taking them to the park instead of letting them play in the garden ffs, he has put a LOT of added pressure on you over the years hasn’t he.

Ps show him this thread.he needs to realise he is a dick.

I have been checking if OP has been back.

It might have helped if she'd told us some background (quick search of OP and the problems are clear)

Hope you are ok 😢

Wow I've two kids and the whole point of a pool and summer weather is fun and laughter. And yes shouting with excitement or disagreements happen. Your husband is the fun police. Why did he want kids if he just wants them to be quiet all the time?. I feel sorry for you and them. Tell him to jog on and that they are children and are entitled to have fun and a happy home and childhood. If he doesn't like it tough he isn't god, more like a control freak. Good luck

Can people really not understand that someone sitting in their garden, maybe less than a meter away on the other side of a fence, might not want to listen to children screaming, splashing, shouting etc for hours and hours?

That they might be trying to read, or sleep, or meditate or something?

Children absolutely have the right to have fun, and an hour or two is completely understandable, but it does children no harm at all to learn the art of consideration for other people and to play quietly for an hour or two after they’ve let off a load of steam in the paddling pool.

I’m so grateful my neighbors take this approach, it means I get some peaceful time in my garden every day and their children get some time to go mental in the pool every day. No one loses out.

Your husband sounds very OTT all the kids are doing is playing and having fun. I find it so wrong that before covid19 you had to take them out to play instead of them happy at home. I wouldn't have allowed him to ruin the kids fun and would have put the pool back together again. If your kids were being that loud you would've had a neighbour complain but they know its kids having fun and boy do they need it. If your husband doesn't like the sound of kids laughter and play tell him to get a life and stop moaning or buy ear buds. I dont mean this badly but does he ever join in and play with them as it sounds he doesn't like them

If people want absolute peace and stillness they can move out to the countryside and have a cottage on a dirt path, or pony up for an estate where the staff will keep it as quiet as they like.

There's no rule that says a neighborhood of 50somethings doesn't allow children.

Your husband is not a keeper. Your kids already knows he thinks they're the ruination of your marriage and house, he doesn't sound like the kind of man who keeps that kind of moan too quiet (he wants quiet from OTHER people, I'm sure he gets to express himself in the way he prefers most!).

Your kids will either not have children of their own because your husband has poisoned their minds about the entire idea and made it seem like it's nothing but drudgery, or they will have children and not invite him around because he makes everyone miserable. My own mother and I have quite a bad history but I was going to try to make sure she saw her grandchildren regularly...until she spent every waking minute of our visits trying to make them make absolutely no noise and no mess, even in infancy/toddlerhood.

When they fly the nest, that's it. They're going to stay as far away as possible. The time to change that future is now.

We have older neighbours and have not lived here long but when speaking to them they’ve all said how nice it is to hear kids enjoying themselves (that’s from 3 different neighbours it just next door)

@Casualbride

Can people really not understand that someone sitting in their garden, maybe less than a meter away on the other side of a fence, might not want to listen to children screaming, splashing, shouting etc for hours and hours?

That they might be trying to read, or sleep, or meditate or something?

Children absolutely have the right to have fun, and an hour or two is completely understandable, but it does children no harm at all to learn the art of consideration for other people and to play quietly for an hour or two after they’ve let off a load of steam in the paddling pool.

I’m so grateful my neighbors take this approach, it means I get some peaceful time in my garden every day and their children get some time to go mental in the pool every day. No one loses out.

I will make sure that I tell my children they can only have fun outside for an hour or two a day. Just in case the people next-door might want to have a nap outside.

I’m sure many of those same people are the ones complaining that today’s youth are lazy unmotivated attached to screens and overweight.

But we won’t worry about that, because we need to make sure they get their naps

something my DS2 did when he was in Year 8. His English teacher told the class to choose 10 words and define them in their own way.

This is how he defined "Bowls":

A pointless so-called "game" played by cranky old codgers in cardigans.

Wow you've done a sterling job bringing up your son. You should be truly proud of parenting a bigot. 👏👏

@EatsShootsAndRuns can you explain how it’s racist? I’m not defending or denying it just a bit confused? I’m probably missing something really obvious!