Mothers - who’s is more important?

[MrsRose2018]

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

Definitely depends on which would be more helpful at the time. In my case it was MIL, both through location and personality. It wasn't really a case of who trumps who, but who is better placed to help in varying factors. Sounds like your friends DM would be more of a help (lockdown permitting) than her MIL.

It's a hard one as it depends entirely on your relationship with each person, my mum was my second birth partner, my MIL passed away sadly a couple of years ago, but had that not have been the case I would have made sure she was a stone's throw away so she could meet my daughter pretty much straight away as we got on quite well, but my mum did care more for me post birth rather than just wanting to cuddle a baby. That however is our family dynamic and other people's are different, my cousin isn't very close to her mum and her MIL was her second birth partner and was the one to help her post birth and in the early days with her daughter. It's not a one size fits all answer, my husband would have been very keen for his mum to meet our baby as soon as possible but wouldn't have pushed anything on me I was uncomfortable with

I do think though that your friend runs the risk of alienating her MIL though, not sure why she needs to be kept away for a month, she could come and spend a couple of hours meeting her grandchild and seeing her son, it seems quite mean to me

I think it depends on the mum. Like it or not but it’s the woman that has been through birth and Labor, is recovering and in pain and coping with all the hormones, weird leakages and exhaustion etc. Most women are more comfortable with their own mother than mil in that situation. It’s not that they are more important but the mother takes priority imo, dads are usually in more of a position to physically leave the home and visit their folks if feeling overwhelmed whereas the mother isn’t always mobile or able to drive post partum so people must come to her.

I agree with most pps - it’s whoever is most helpful to the mother / whoever she wants and needs there.

So yes the new mother’s needs trump those of the father, who is in a supportive role himself at this time, not that of someone needing support.

My instinct is to say mum's mum is priority unless there are reasons for her not to be.

I appreciate it's a huge deal for new dad too, but whereas the changes for him are practical and emotional to an extent, new mum is also coping with hormonal and physical changes which by their very nature are not something you'll want to be dealing with with someone you're not 100% comfortable with around.

I say this as someone who is very different from their own mum - we are chalk and cheese and fight like cat and dog when we're both stressed, but when I have my daughter, I instinctively trusted her and felt comfortable with her around me and my newborn in a way that I just didn't with MIL (who tbh did make an effort even though she was generally a PITA too!).

I adore my mil but she was like an anal wart the first two weeks out of hospital, every time I moved she was hovering to the point she burst in with dh’s aunt and teen daughter while the midwife was checking my stitches (Had key, long story) and completely fouled up any chance of establishing a routine or enjoying dh’s paternity leave as a family.

Still slightly peeved about it and my baby is 3 now.

Op, have who you want there and sod everyone else, you only get this time once and it’s precious.

I can't imagine how stressful it must be to have a first baby right now. It's difficult at the best of times but with the fear of giving birth in hospital at the moment and then the whole newborn chaos in the midst of covid, social distancing etc must be awful. Everybody should be putting the person who's going to be giving birth at the centre of everything and not causing extra stress.

She gets to decide what happens.

Both as important as each other IMO. In this situation, if we really couldn't decide, this would be a toin coss thing!

I also think it’s a good idea for the mil to come for a little while in the afternoon and your friend to go off for a bath / rest.

My fil lives abroad and expects to be waited on hand and foot. I wasn’t ready for him to come and stay until a couple of months after the birth. He was not really bothered tbh. Had my mil still been alive, I expect this would have been different as she was the type to help out.

In my case it was someone staying with us and needing the energy rather than popping over for a couple of hours tops. I think it’s unkind to expect her to wait a month.

Surely it’s the distance that is the factor here. When is she due? Aren’t we not allowed people to stay yet?

I had a baby at the start of lockdown so my mum 3 hours away couldn’t visit. However my MIL who lives 5 mins away kept us in groceries, went to the shop to get anything I needed in the early days, was overall a massive help. She’s seen baby but hasn’t held her yet. Not sure when I’ll get to see my parents again though!

On the whole I think the mum takes priority a bit - she's just had a baby, and not everyone has the sort of relationship with their MIL where they'll feel comfortable establishing breastfeeding etc. with her there.

Though I must admit when my DP gave birth she emphatically did not want her mother around straight away! And that's fine too.

However, it's a balance. The last thing you want is to get into competitive grandparenting, which is a bloody nightmare.

As ever it depends on family history, but on the whole I find it very hard to be supportive of the view that mum's family automatically get priority on baby things.

Eg. We decided that we aren't telling anyone until 12 week, but I want to tell my mum in case anything goes wrong but expect DH not to tell his parents.
My parents can visit me in hospital and meet their grandchild, but in law's can't.
My parents can come and stay with us when baby comes home, but in laws can't do much as visit for an afternoon and must wait until such a time that I'm happy before they see the baby.

It seems awfully selfish and creates needless divides when both parents have a new baby.

Obviously, it would make sense to draw the line on who will help, limiting visiting times, etc based on how mum feels, but some of what I read on MN seems like needless gatekeeping.

Raising the child, the parents should try and keep the grandparents equal so the child has the benefit of having a great relationship with both sets of grandparents.
However in the very early days of the baby’s life, the mother of the baby should choose who they need most because it’s for her benefit at that early stage

I think that this is a very difficult situation.

We as a side of the family were essentially shut out after the birth of my niece.

My Sil's mother took over and this has caused issues not only between the two sides of the family but in the marriage as well.

I do believe that initially after the birth the mother's wishes should come first but their is a point where who can visit/help and see the baby/family has to be more balanced.

But, @LolaSmiles, can't you see why people might not want their MIL to be treated the same as their mum in these situations? I've had miscarriages; I would not really want my MIL to know I was pregnant until 12 weeks, because it's hard enough worrying about it without someone I don't actually know very well asking about it. I know she'd be upset if I got pregnant and miscarried, but I would find it hard to deal with that upset alongside my own. My mum's different.

At that stage, and I think for some time when a woman is recently postpartum, it's not really about the baby so much as it's about the mum. The baby has an equal relationship to both grandparents, but the mum doesn't necessarily, and shouldn't have to pretend she does.

LolaSmiles the mum's family don't get priority - this thread is about the immediate post partum period.

It isn't about which side of the extended family get priority.

It's about who's needs are greatest and who is in the most vulnerable position.

Childbirth isn't an equal oportunities thing - it's the mother who is in a vulnerable state, quite probably in pain or discomfort and having to sacrifice her dignity and and her needs are greater.

Under normal/average circumstances, a pregnant or new mom "needs" her own mom's support far more than a new dad needs his own mom's support. It's down to logic and science. If the new mom's mother cannot provide the necessary support, the new mom should turn to whoever can best provide it. (Probably a combination of any or all of a doula, an experienced mom - who might be the MIL, her OBG, health visitor, etc.)

Both new parents have equal and valid "wants" but genuine "needs" must be prioritized. The new dad has no physiological changes or medical issues that require support. The new dad has no personal experience of these things and, unless he's an HCP, is unlikely to have professional experience either.

So, for example, both new parents "want" hugs with their mothers. But, only the new mom "needs" support with birthing damage. And so on.

[quote CovidicusRex]@smeerf I think that only true if you have an arsehole MIL.[/quote]
My partners Mum isn’t an arsehole. She’s is a bit thick though, and has some very strange and old fashioned ideas. So was absolutely no use what so ever when the kids were born, or at any time since

My mum was there at the birth with DH so she saw my ds first. I'd have been quite happy to have seen my mil directly after and told her so, but they didn't come to visit for 2 weeks.

My mum came a few days after the birth of DS1, she was incredibly helpful and supportibve in every way. My MIL came a few days later and was not!
During subsequent births, MIL came to visit after the few months, looking after another person (who is quite capable of looking after herself) was not something either DH and I could manage with a new baby as well.
If the relationship is already tense, a month is fine.

Covid aside, I think your own mother in the days following birth, because you likely need support having going through this enormous physical thing as well as everything else; but to deny the MIL the chance to meet their grandchild for a month is nasty, controlling and selfish under the guise of well it's what I want in my honest opinion. Her partner probably would like support too, and I agree it shouldn't be constant or straight away, but I honestly can't imagine making his mum wait that long

not visit for about a month until they get a routine settled with the baby and also see what the COVID situation is.

I understand the point about COVID of course. But I don’t understand the routine bit... firstly because babies that young don’t tend to settle into routines and also I don’t see how having visitors would impacts on this if they happen to have a rare baby that does - surely visitors are just part of life and therefore part of any ‘routine’. Obviously you don’t want someone staying at yours for a week while you’re still getting used to your new family situation. But what impact does it have if someone visits for a few hours?

My MIL was a Godsend. She cooked and puttered around the house cleaning, and after I fed the baby, she would tell me she would watch the baby so I could rest. My mother would not have been half as helpful.

Totally depends on your relationship with your Mother and with MIL, also on your DH’s relationship with their Mother. If your DH isn’t particularly close to their Mum then they’re never going to be top priority.