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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers - who’s is more important?

452 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:02

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 30/05/2020 14:05

Is there a fil?

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 14:05

But the patient here is the mother. Her needs come first. How many women are a patient a month after a birth? Even patients have visitors.

kritigirl · 30/05/2020 14:05

It always worries me when grown women can't cope without their mum. What about the dad? He probably has paternity leave for at least two weeks? When our first baby was born we had visitors but it was myself and DH mainly caring for our new baby and becoming a new family. Once he was back at work both of our families helped us. If we had visitors and I needed to feed the baby I went to another room. No one needed to see anything. If I was tired I went to bed. We prioritised my needs and the babys but not at the expense of our families. It is really important for children to know that other people love and care for them and relationships with grandparents are so important. I don't particularly enjoy spending time with the ILs but my children do and that's important. Also yes, those first weeks are hard but they pass. It is important to think about the long term.

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 14:07

This makes no sense. If one person in a relationship, particularly a new mum, doesn't want someone to visit then they do not visit. Nobody is saying he can't see his family, just that they cannot push a visit to the house upon his wife just after she has given birth. I can just imagine what people would say on here if a man was saying his MIL couldn't visit, or even he isn't allowing his wife to have visitors in their home.

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 14:09

@kritigirl that is far too rational and normal but thank heavens there are still rational people about.

RedskyAtnight · 30/05/2020 14:09

I think there's a huge difference between not wanting to see MIL in the immediate post-partum period and not wanting to see her for a month.

By all means make it clear if you'd prefer it wasn't a long visit (and Covid provides the perfect excuse currently) and leave it up to MiL if she's willing to travel the distance or not. But it's impossible for "I won't see you for a month" to translate into anything but "I don't want you". And you can't use the excuse of "no visitors becuase getting into a routine" (which makes no sense anyway, how many babies get into a routine in the first month?) if it's ok for DM to visit.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 14:09

I can just imagine what people would say on here if a man was saying his MIL couldn't visit, or even he isn't allowing his wife to have visitors in their home.

Your argument has more holes than a sieve

No man has ever had a baby.

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 14:16

Men become parents, men can be ill but obviously the woman must always come first.

Nattyjackie · 30/05/2020 14:16

What worries me in these type of situations is when the woman effectively weaponises the baby to get back at the MIL or play some kind of power trip.

Of course the new mum will be exhusted and maybe in pain straight after birth so may only want their very close relatives around them to start with. But a month is playing games in my view.

Charles11 · 30/05/2020 14:16

A man is perfectly entitled to say he doesn’t want his mil visiting him while he’s recovering from a medical procedure.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 14:17

Men become parents, men can be ill but obviously the woman must always come first.

In this particular set of circumstances, yes, of course the woman comes first. The physical and metal well being of a new mother is always going to be the priority. He can see his family outside if he wants.

Makegoodchoices · 30/05/2020 14:20

Visitor is very different from houseguest. Someone you see for an hour is very different to having someone in your space all the time while you’re getting used to a baby. It’s not about MIL vs Mum, it’s visitor vs guest.

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2020 14:22

I can just imagine what people would say on here if a man was saying his MIL couldn't visit, or even he isn't allowing his wife to have visitors in their home.

That really doesn't make sense.

What I would wonder is, what sort of man would recognise his newly-delivered wife didn't feel comfortable having a visit from her MIL, and wouldn't get over himself?

At one month, my DD had been out of hospital less than three weeks. She was still getting HV checks daily and they kept telling us she'd probably have to go back in as she was losing weight. My DP was still struggling hugely. Trying to feed her every two hours. It was really hard. And until you actually have the baby, you don't know what situation you'll be in. You could be feeling fine and ready for visitors; you could be wandering around with no bra on all day, desperately trying to get a baby to latch on, bleeding, and really not feeling up to seeing anyone.

Having been the 'dad' equivalent in this situation, there's no way I would have even been thinking about it from such a selfish perspective as some seem to think is normal. I was too busy worrying about the person who'd done all the hard work - my DP.

Catsrus · 30/05/2020 14:23

My MIL drove through the night to look after the existing DC both times I went in labour(when we already had one), stayed to help as long as we needed her, she was amazing, and continues to be amazing in her 90's as an ex MIL. my own mother was hundreds of miles away - but even if she'd been closer I would have wanted my MIL there. It's about the relationships you have actually have, not the technical family relationship.

Pacmanitee · 30/05/2020 14:24

In this particular set of circumstances, yes, of course the woman comes first. The physical and metal well being of a new mother is always going to be the priority. He can see his family outside if he wants

What about the baby though? They aren't possessions or for showing off of course, but I don't think it's unreasonable that a son would like his mother to meet his child. Are they supposed to just meet outside too? I wonder how many of these precious mummies have sons who will grow up to do the same to them, and how happy they would be with that Smile

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 14:25

The father may not need support (and indeed, should be focussing on the mother, not palming that off to his MIL).

But why doesn't he get to show off his new baby? Why can't he just be happy and want to share that happiness with his family? My happiest memories of DD's first few days are of her grandparents meeting her, they were all so happy. Why does he have to watch his wife and her parents get that happiness, but keep his own family at arms length for a month?

A visit of a few hours a week for the first few weeks or so is not much time out of the mother's week, and will presumably mean the world to the father.

Maryann1975 · 30/05/2020 14:26

When I had the dc, mil was only really bothered about seeing the baby. Having her over for the day was quite enough. Dh waited on her all bloody day, which meant he was tired when she left. However, my mum came to look after me, turned up with flowers, a dinner for that night, Prepared meals for the freezer, did the ironing and made us drinks, washed up and tidied the kitchen. When we had our subsequent children, guess which one we asked to come and stay for a few days to help us out.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 14:26

What about the baby though? They aren't possessions or for showing off of course, but I don't think it's unreasonable that a son would like his mother to meet his child. Are they supposed to just meet outside too?

What about the baby? The baby has no idea. I think you mean what about the MIL.

Honestly. This isn't about the mother or the mother in law it is about the new mother and she can see or not see whoever the fuck she chooses. Nobody has any 'rights'

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 14:27

Ha, jinx Pacmanitee. Grin

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 14:28

But why doesn't he get to show off his new baby?

Because his wife's physical and mental health trump his ego?

heartbrokenfool · 30/05/2020 14:28

My mother prioritised my husbands mother after my birth. I had a very bad labour and needed help washing. I also spent lots of time completely topless as I had terriblynsore nipples due to a bad latch. My mother in law is incredible but she didn't believe in breastfeeding (long story) and had no experience to help me. She also wouldn't have been as hands on as my own mother in physically helping me.

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 14:29

Honestly. This isn't about the mother or the mother in law it is about the new mother and she can see or not see whoever the fuck she chooses. Nobody has any 'rights'

And she will have to suffer the consequences if her insistance on keeping the in laws away for a month (!) while her own mother visits regularly impacts on her marriage and her relationship with her in laws.

terrelontane · 30/05/2020 14:29

Raising the child, the parents should try and keep the grandparents equal so the child has the benefit of having a great relationship with both sets of grandparents.
Actually I still resent my parents for religiously sticking to this rule, because they allowed one set of grandparents to bully and abuse me throughout my childhood under the motto of 'all grandparents are equal'.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 14:30

of course the MRAs have found the thread.

Childbirth doesn't center the wants of men. How very dare we?

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 14:30

Because his wife's physical and mental health trump his ego?

The absolute vast majority of women are not so fragile after birth that a visit from the in laws will damage their mental or physical health.

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