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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers - who’s is more important?

452 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:02

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:
Calabasa · 30/05/2020 12:16

Normally, if it was to do with who would be more helpful, then it depends on the relationship.

My mom was in the labour room with me, and was who I wanted around to help me with baby/breastfeeding/my personal care post birth.. I would not have been comfortable asking for my MIL or husbands relatives to do any of that.

If its simply visitation rights, then both are equal.

In the current situation, if its socially distanced visiting, then I dont see why one is more important than the other, sorry.

OhCaptain · 30/05/2020 12:17

In your friend’s situation it makes perfect sense for them to stay away for a while, and for her mother not to.

Ordinarily, I would say it’s not that a woman’s mother is more important but that provided they have a good and normal relationship, it makes sense for a first time mum to want her own mother around. Not for the baby and not because she’s more important but because of the massive shift that occurs emotionally, mentally, and physically.

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 12:17

My husband needed support more then me when our first child was born. I already had 2, it was his first, I had an emergency CS and was well looked after but pretty out of it for a few days.

Generally I think when the paternal grandparents are pushed at when a baby is born the mother shouldn't be surprised when her husband's sisters children are closer to his parents. No coming on MN and moaning about it.

I can't see why covid is more of an issue for his parents than hers. Just sounds spiteful.

WonderfullyaMummy · 30/05/2020 12:17

If the mil will be in with keeping to social distancing rules I think it's a tad unfair. Since neither mother will be able to hold baby I don't see why she can't come.

GreytExpectations · 30/05/2020 12:18

I think your friend if being unreasonable. If its safe for her mum to come and see baby from a distance than its safe for MIL. It's quite harsh make MIL wait a month, the "getting into a routine" I just a bunch of bullshit.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 30/05/2020 12:18

Oh this is a hard one, for us personally we’ve always tried to be as equal as we can with both sets of parents. Luckily I have a great relationship with PIL and they’re generally very laid back where as my mum is a bit of a nightmare (a lovely nightmare) And HAS to see the baby first.
I personally think it’s really sad when the fathers family get pushed to one side (if they’ve done nothing wrong), simply because it’s what the new mum wants. I feel like people seem to forget that baby is their family too. I personally don’t think that they should be left out, but then, I was one of those “look at this human I made” type people, I didn’t want to hide away and as I said, I like my in laws. I appreciate other people feel differently!

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 12:18

pushed out not at

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:18

This is what I'm thinking!

I'm INCREDIBLY close to my mum - she's my best friend first and mama second and I would obviously rather see her post birth than my MIL who whilst nice enough gets on my tits and can be rather frustrating at time

And again I've just had the baby and gone through it all and my hormones are whacked out so having MIL there doesn't sound like my idea of fun whereas my mum would be a godsend

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 30/05/2020 12:19

I personally don't get the whole 'I need my mother around' at all. It's nice to do so but going by some threads on MN, you'd think it would be impossible to cope with a new baby without their mum around to help. None of my friends had their mum (or dad) around the corner to help, most were hours away and we all coped just fine.

DontRockTheB0at · 30/05/2020 12:21

I think (assuming a woman has a positive relationship with her mother, I appreciate not all do) it’s fairly common to want your own Mum to be around if you are feeling venerable while recovering from giving birth. I know personally I would be happy to let my Mum see me in any state including bleeding, half naked ect as often is the case post birth. I think no matter how close you are to your MIL it’s not the same relationship and many would not be as comfortable as they would be their own mother. Obviously I am generalising as some may have that level of closeness with their MIL. I think for many women it’s not that they want their own mother to meet the baby first it’s that they want their mother to support them in their moment of need.

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2020 12:21

Generally the postpartum period is much harder for the mother - recovery from the birth, raging hormones, lack of sleep, discomfort of breastfeeding. The mums needs are more important. In most cases this means women who have just given birth would prefer their own mother there over their mil, obviously they would be exceptions. People who think the mum and dads needs and wants are equal immediately before and after a woman gives birth to a baby are tossers.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2020 12:26

I'd be devastated if my son told me I couldn't see the baby for a month.

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:28

This is really interesting perspectives thank you!

It's getting to be a bit of a repeated argument in their house atm and I'm trying to figure out what to advise her!

On the one hand her husband who is an amazing guy needs his mum as it's his first baby and he's not seen her since Christmas but the MIL stresses out my friend and the MIL would have to stay in the house

She doesn't want to stop the MIL visiting, she would never ever do that! She just a) doesn't know how she will feel at the time and b) is and has been heavily reliant on her mum since she was born

OP posts:
ddl1 · 30/05/2020 12:29

It will depend hugely on the relationships in a particular family. But surely what's important in this case is not mum versus MIL, but how far away they live. In general, at the moment, someone visiting from a 15-minute walk away is less likely to spread germs between households than someone who lives 3 hours away, especially if they may need to use public transport. Of course, there can be exceptions - e.g. the local one is a doctor or nurse on a Covid ward, and the more distant one lives like a hermit except for visiting you- but on average, the distance will be a consideration. It's awful to have to be so germ-phobic, but at the moment, sadly we do.

Sausagis · 30/05/2020 12:29

The mothers need to NOT see a troublesome person over rides the needs of the troublesome person to see a young baby.

This applies equally to anyone, not just MILs.

Rosebel · 30/05/2020 12:29

My mum came to stay after I had my oldest two. I don't get on with MIL and barely knew her when our eldest was born. Also she never ever helps out. If we go to her house for a meal I wash up, she comes here for a meal and does nothing.
I think it's down to the new mum who sees or comes to stay after the baby is born. She's the one who's just gone through pregnancy and childbirth

recycledbottle · 30/05/2020 12:29

Completely depends on the personality of the MIL/Mother. Whichever will offer the most comfort/help/compassion should take precedence. The first few months are quite delicate and so your friend is probably waiting until she is emotionally ready to deal with her MIL. If they have a difficult relationship then the visit is really to benefit MIL/your friends husband and not herself so it is totally reasonable that she would give herself some recovery time before taking on that task.

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 12:30

I've had 4 kids, no one (including my mother and my husband) ever saw me sitting around half naked or saw any evidence of bleeding.

The mums needs are more important. In most cases this means women who have just given birth would prefer their own mother there over their mil, obviously they would be exceptions. For a month? I see young mums out shopping with babies younger than that.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:31

It's getting to be a bit of a repeated argument in their house atm and I'm trying to figure out what to advise her!

Like I said on your other, identical thread

She does not need to to advise her. She is allowed to choose who she sees or does not see at any point in her life. If she is having arguments with her DH over it then it's up to them to work through it, not for you to ask Mumsnet and then go in like a steam roller with 'advice'

Can you ask MNHQ to merge or delete threads?

Saltystraw · 30/05/2020 12:31

**I personally don't get the whole 'I need my mother around' at all. It's nice to do so but going by some threads on MN, you'd think it would be impossible to cope with a new baby without their mum around to help

People don’t think they can do what they need to do until they need to do it.

user1487194234 · 30/05/2020 12:32

Most (not all) new mums want their own mother rather than their MIL

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:32

@Rosebel that's the kind of dynamics she has with her MIL as well..

The second her husband gets to his MIL she has a list of jobs as long as her arm...

She is a nice woman though I've met her a few times! She's not my cup of tea but she adores her kids and she's a fantastic grandmother to her daughters kids.. she's is a pain in the ass though lol

OP posts:
Spoons1988 · 30/05/2020 12:33

I made myself treat both my mum and MIL equally after my first was born, despite it being against my instinct. I thought it was the ‘right’ thing to do, so they all stayed nearby and had unlimited visiting for the first 7 days of DD’s life.

That decision has now irreparably damaged my already fraught relationship with MIL. I found her intrusive and self-involved and it caused great resentment at what should have been a joyful time. Whereas my mum delivered hot meals to our door, cleaned the house, set up the most wonderful welcome for when we returned from the hospital etc. She also had some cuddles with DD, but that wasn’t her primary focus.

I think it depends entirely on your relationship with MIL. There can’t be any surprise if you see more of your mum postnatally if significant work hasn’t been put in developing a strong and positive relationship beforehand between MIL/DIL. I certainly would never assume any equal treatment with a DIL postnatally unless I felt secure that she felt valued and important to me as her own person, not as an incubator of a grandchild. I really regret not acknowledging the differences in relationship and ignoring my instincts. Second time round will be very different!

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 12:33

She doesn't want to stop the MIL visiting, she would never ever do that! She just a) doesn't know how she will feel at the time and b) is and has been heavily reliant on her mum since she was born Why not let MIL visit for an afternoon and have some time with son and GC. Your friend can take advantage of the situation and go and have a soak in the bath and a rest, be polite to MIL for a few minutes and the agonising and drama isn't needed. I don't suppose the MIL is suggesting moving in.

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 12:34

I think it's natural for many women to be more comfortable with receiving physical and emotional support from their mother than their MIL.

But both are equal grandparents to the baby and it's important to recognise that. Not letting a grandmother meet her new grandchild for a month when it's logistically possible before that is cruel IMO, and only justified if relations have already broken down. If your friend's aim is to break up a family, she's going a good way about it.