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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers - who’s is more important?

452 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:02

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:
thatsallineed · 30/05/2020 12:55

This is more to do with who lives 15 minutes away, and who lives 3 hours away though, isn't it?

The one 15 minutes away can come and sit in the garden and then go home again. Not so easy for the ones 3 hours away. They'd need to use the loo, spend longer, etc.

Common sense really.

Having said that, someone who has just given birth, which can be really painful and traumatic, is more likely to want to see their own mum than somebody else's mum.

Soontobe60 · 30/05/2020 12:55

If I were the mil, I'd still be happy to drive for three hours each way to get to see a new grandchild, even from 2m away. You can't use the argument about social distancing for one Granny but not for the other.

Wolfgirrl · 30/05/2020 12:56

@slashlover

Her son hasn't given birth.

terrelontane · 30/05/2020 12:56

Neither grandmother is more important than the other, but I do believe that the needs of the parent who has actually been pregnant and given birth come first, at least initially.

Snaleandthewhail · 30/05/2020 12:58

My MiL met all three of my children earlier than my mum, despite living 4-5 hours further away.

This reflects the general effort she puts into the relationship and now they’ve grown up a bit, is reflected in the relationship my kids have with her.

In a crisis I’d far rather have her than my mum.

Charles11 · 30/05/2020 13:03

It depends on what the new mother wants. If she wants her mum over, then that’s what should happen. In normal healthy relationships, the mothers mother is often a great source of support and help.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 13:04

My MIL also met two of my children before my own mother, and my mother pushed her way into the hospital when I was in a very messed up state and blagged her way in to grab DC1 for a bit and completely ignored me.

One grandmother doesn't "win" priority, it should be about what the mother needs - yes, above the father immediately post partum because he hasn't just given birth, isn't leaking milk, hasn't got a massive wound in his abdomen or stitches or tearing which make sitting painful, and he isn't trying to establish breastfeeding.

Not everything has to be 50/50, sometimes reality means one person is in far greater need and they come first. That might well mean nobody stays in the house aside from the people whose home it is - new parents and baby.

Houseguests in the post partum month are an absolutely terrible idea, not only because it's stupid at the moment with corona but generlly - a house guest when you've just given birth is unbarable (I speak from experience).

Neither grandmother should be staying in the house overnight.

slashlover · 30/05/2020 13:05

Her son hasn't given birth.

My original reply was to this

Yes. The new mum's own mother cares about them both.

Whereas scratch the surface a bit and most MILs only care about the baby.

which insinuated that the mothers mother cared about her and the baby, while the fathers mother only cares about the baby. How does your reply relate to this? Should the MIL not care about her son because he hasn't given birth?

thegreylady · 30/05/2020 13:06

When my dad was expecting her first child her MiL said to me:” I know you’ll always be number one grandma.”
I felt awful and assured her we would be first equal. In the event I saw them first in hospital as I live nearer and she didn’t want to commit to regular childcare and I did but we all get on and neither dd nor dsil has made more of one than the other. We all get along she is Granny and I am Grandma.
When the second child came along I was laid up with a broken leg so Granny was definitely number 1.

Notthetoothfairy · 30/05/2020 13:11

Definitely your friend’s Mum in these circs (and, to be fair, it is her baby which she did all of the work producing and she will be the one who is post partum).

Having said that, it’s taking the concept to extremes to say one can visit straight away and the other isn’t welcome at all for a month.

Selfsettling3 · 30/05/2020 13:11

The needs of the person who has just delivered a baby from her body should be prioritised. So the needs and wants if the Mum trumps the wants of the Dad.

Wolfgirrl · 30/05/2020 13:14

@slashlover

Obviously I dont mean MIL then only cares about the baby and nobody else in the world.

But the patient here is the mother. Her needs come first.

Apple1029 · 30/05/2020 13:16

I think the mothers needs trumps in this ONE instance. My dm was there, she was very practical. Cooked, helped with ds and I could just enjoy my baby and recover. Dh asked his family to visit after a month.
We honestly were not bothered about who got offended as this was about us.
Luckily dh supported me and it really helped me to settle in a bit before I had visitors. we had a difficult time after birth and I know I wouldnt have tolerated anyone or anything that cause d me any upset.

Pertella · 30/05/2020 13:16

I think that what the mother needs should take precedence. If she wants her own mum around because it makes her less self conscious about her PP body, getting BF established, bleeding, stitches, etc. then that should absolutely take priority.

For my part, I struggled with BF and theres not a chance that I would have been comfortable with my in laws being around when I was trying to get it sorted.

Witchend · 30/05/2020 13:19

I think it's fair enough to say she doesn't want either staying over. And it's perfectly fair enough for her dm to come over more often and sooner.
But saying they can't meet their grandchild for a month is ott.
3 hours away is fine for a day visit (my IL live about that) and will come late morning, have lunch and/or dinner and leave early evening. It's not too bad.
If you want to put the time limit on, then ask them to have lunch before they arrive and say they'll need to go before dinner.
As you have to meet in the garden, then mum can take baby off to sleep ("they sleep best in their basket") and leave the dh chatting to them while Mum sleeps. Or if she's comfortable, she can leave them cuddling baby while she has a rest.

MaternitySpongeBob · 30/05/2020 13:21

It's nothing to do with importance.

It's to do with how healthy and close existing relationships are (and there are perhaps different views of the same relationship from each person involved!).. and what support might be needed.

These things vary hugely between mums.

There's no right answer, short of ensuring that the new mother's needs are respected.

Personally I don't have the sort of relationship where either me or mil is comfortable exposing body parts, boobs leaking, still bleeding and recovering from surgery.. the same is true if (say) DH ever went for surgery and was recovering, I don't think he'd like sitting there in hospital with my mum present for the gory aftermath... They just don't have a close relationship.

There is no "correct" way and it's fuck all to do with importance.

Spoons1988 · 30/05/2020 13:23

@Apple1029 just out of interest - was there offence caused to your in-laws? And how far away do they live from you?

AnnaBanana333 · 30/05/2020 13:24

This is a false dichotomy. Neither needs to "more important" but the mother-in-law should have a chance to meet the new baby on the same terms as the mother (i.e. both socially distance, neither get to hold her, or whatever).

When it's not about meeting the baby but about supporting the new parents then they both get to choose who they go to for support.

Blondebakingmumma · 30/05/2020 13:25

I’d I am exposed and vulnerable I want my mum not my mil

elfycat · 30/05/2020 13:25

Obviously this depends entirely on the women involved. If you have a strained realtionship with your mother then you' might not want them around. But if you have a great relationship you'll have not only a friend, but the woman who has seen you at your best and worst for a whole lifetime (yours) and still loves you. She'll have been your point of contact, the one you got to look at the weird thing on your bum, the one who explained puberty, bought you tampons. The one who held you hair back as you vomited from when you were old enough to lean over a loo/bowl to do it, the one who cuddled you when you were a snotty mess through relationship breakdowns, and the one who calmed you on exam result day.

Is there even a choice between her and the woman who you met a few years back ? Who may have done the same for her own children, but it wasn't the foundation of your relationship.

When I suggested to DH that my mother come to stay for a few days he thought about having to cater for guests. I laughed and said that wasn't what she was going to be there for. DD1 was prem and I got stuck in hospital, DH trekking to and fro. My mother ran the house, cooked DH meals etc etc. and he could see my point. He said his mother would never have considered doing that and would have needed waiting on because she's a self-centred bully

Pertella · 30/05/2020 13:26

MaternitySpongeBob has it spot on

Lilybea1995 · 30/05/2020 13:29

From my experience, it’s the maternal grandmother of the baby who is the most valuable

Scarlettpixie · 30/05/2020 13:29

We treated our mums equally. The morning after DS was born DH took photos of DS to them both. Neither came to hospital. We visited them both on the way home from hospital so they could meet DS.

In terms of purely visiting under lockdown it seems cruel and unnecessary to keep MIL away. If she is3 hours away she will probably not keep visiting so let her meet the baby! In terms of the new mother ‘needing help’ I would say her own mother but still no excuse to keep the fathers Mother away altogether. At a time of social distancing and garden visiting I would say they are equal but in practical terms the one who is closest will likely visit (or be visited) more.

StoppinBy · 30/05/2020 13:29

If one has to be prioritised over the other then yes the Mum's desires are more important, the father is more of a bystander in the birthing process whereas the mother has no choice other than to be a very active participant so she needs more support than him.

Scarlettpixie · 30/05/2020 13:30

Why not let MIL visit for an afternoon and have some time with son and GC. Your friend can take advantage of the situation and go and have a soak in the bath and a rest, be polite to MIL for a few minutes and the agonising and drama isn't needed. I don't suppose the MIL is suggesting moving in.

And this is a great idea.