Page 18 | Mothers - who’s is more important?

MrsRose2018 · 2020-05-30T11:02:30+00:00

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers? No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

thetoddleratemyhomework · 04/06/2020 15:22

Hmmm, well I get on much better with my parents than my PiL but my parents live a long way away.

They stayed nearby for a week when my daughter was born and I found it too much - suffocating. It also made my MIL come over more often in a competitive grandparent kind of way.

So to be honest, for me I would have picked just a couple of short visits from either side early on. If MIL is happy to stay elsewhere and visit for an hour or two either side of her stay and then go home, fine. For me personally I like my own space and my own time early on and I wouldn't want to host with a newborn.

Spoons1988 · 04/06/2020 15:34

This is just so sad. No where was it said that my mum moved in for two weeks. I actually said she wasn’t really around after my baby was born, but the brief times she did visit and the gestures she made were lovely.

If my husband had been through a traumatic event, perhaps a car accident or mugging (seen as birth is often more emotionally scarring than physically for women), and he loves his mum then I would love it if she would knock on our front door and drop a hot meal off or visit our house and show him some tenderness and love. I can’t imagine not admiring that in a parent or thinking that it’s a threat somehow to our autonomy or adulthood.

I’m honestly quite floored by this. That some people parents should stop being demonstrative with love once you’re an adult?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/06/2020 16:14

Spoons1988

Who has said that though?

Knocking on the door with a meal isn't what's being discussed is it? In the op the new mum wants the mil to stay away from even a socially distanced high bye in the garden for a month. Other posters have said how their mums stayed with them to run baths, take care of them and the baby - more than just drop a casserole off and take home some dirty washing.

AnotherEmma · 04/06/2020 16:50

This theoretical scenario in which a man's just had surgery and wants his mother to move in for a bit to look after him is a false equivalence. Because there's no new baby in that equation!

After a complicated birth, there's a recovering mother and a newborn baby to look after, so it can be helpful to have a grandparent to pitch in, if the parents want help.

If someone's had surgery, not a baby, then their partner can presumably get on with the housework and do the other things they might need to help them recover.

No harm in family popping round to help or just give a bit of moral support in either scenario, though, if that's what the person wants

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/06/2020 16:56

@AnotherEmma

This theoretical scenario in which a man's just had surgery and wants his mother to move in for a bit to look after him is a false equivalence. Because there's no new baby in that equation!

After a complicated birth, there's a recovering mother and a newborn baby to look after, so it can be helpful to have a grandparent to pitch in, if the parents want help.

If someone's had surgery, not a baby, then their partner can presumably get on with the housework and do the other things they might need to help them recover.

No harm in family popping round to help or just give a bit of moral support in either scenario, though, if that's what the person wants

There are two adults in the house - why do you need a third? And many of the posters are saying that they wanted their mum to run baths, wash their nightdresses, comfort them - why does that not apply to anyone who is ill?

Just how hard is it for two adults to look after a baby? I'm utterly bamboozled by this. What are both parents doing all day that means they can't look after a baby and themselves without another adult to help?

NowImLivinInExeter · 04/06/2020 16:57

I wouldn't give a shiny shit if my husband had surgery and his mother wanted to come and be with him!

NowImLivinInExeter · 04/06/2020 16:57

Just how hard is it for two adults to look after a baby? I'm utterly bamboozled by this. What are both parents doing all day that means they can't look after a baby and themselves without another adult to help?

Well we could have done, but it was better having my mum there (and would have been even better had we had my MIL too!). Why would you object to that?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/06/2020 16:57

@NowImLivinInExeter

I wouldn't give a shiny shit if my husband had surgery and his mother wanted to come and be with him!

That's great then.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/06/2020 17:00

@NowImLivinInExeter

Just how hard is it for two adults to look after a baby? I'm utterly bamboozled by this. What are both parents doing all day that means they can't look after a baby and themselves without another adult to help?

Well we could have done, but it was better having my mum there (and would have been even better had we had my MIL too!). Why would you object to that?

It's your life. Do what you like.

I just find it strange. I think it's worse if one partners family is excluded however.

NowImLivinInExeter · 04/06/2020 17:10

I find the British attitude to extended family incredibly weird. Where I come from you've always got about 10 relatives in the house at any one time and when you have a baby, everyone helps.

Funnily enough there are no issues with childcare over there.

saraclara · 04/06/2020 17:13

So at the beginning, people are saying that mums are actually needed and that's why MIL has to take a back seat.
But once it's been pointed out that it's a bit pathetic for the couple not to be able to cope by themselves, people are flooding in to say that of course they can manage, but it's just nice to have their mum. Which somewhat weakens the argument for keeping their MIL out of the way.

You've all just proved that Mum trumps MIL for no other reason than that you like having her around more.

As for:
none of the challenges I’ve faced so far in my life have required me to go through hours of gruelling labour which might lead to tearing, birth injury or surgery, which I will have to recover from while also keeping a newborn baby alive. Not sure my other challenges like ‘appendicitis’ really compare

Jeeze. What ridiculous dramtics. You know this place is called Mumsnet, right? So do you understand that at least 90% of posters have been through that very thing too? And most of them multiple times?

Lynda07 · 04/06/2020 17:13

I haven't read the entire thread. I think it all depends on the individual. My mother played a great role as a grandparent and was very supportive of me but I wouldn't have wanted her at the birth or moving in for a fortnight which I know some do, I was happy to have her come over for a few hours and go home again as I was with my mother in law. One thing I can't stand is incessant chatter and my mum was good at that, just stating a fact, not 'doing her down' because she was good in so many ways.

Each to their own, it really isn't about 'rights' but about what you want at the time.

FourPlasticRings · 04/06/2020 17:15

I find the British attitude to extended family incredibly weird. Where I come from you've always got about 10 relatives in the house at any one time and when you have a baby, everyone helps.

Sounds like a nightmare. So glad I'm not from a culture where that's the norm!

Lynda07 · 04/06/2020 17:17

NowImLivinInExeter Thu 04-Jun-20 17:10:16
I find the British attitude to extended family incredibly weird. Where I come from you've always got about 10 relatives in the house at any one time and when you have a baby, everyone helps.

Funnily enough there are no issues with childcare over there.
...
I get that but bigger houses surely and real help so that 'mum' can go and have a lie down for a while without being called upon (except for feeding when the baby can be brought to you, freshly changed and you can feed, quite relaxed).

Iseeareddoor · 04/06/2020 17:22

I find the British attitude to extended family incredibly weird. Where I come from you've always got about 10 relatives in the house at any one time and when you have a baby, everyone helps

That sounds horrific. That would be absolutely detrimental to my mental health. I can’t even imagine.

Lynda07 · 04/06/2020 17:24

Buglee
Would you please translate most of your post because a large proportion of it really doesn't make sense, I'm totally confused. I hope all worked out for you though.

Weird.

NowImLivinInExeter · 04/06/2020 17:36

get that but bigger houses surely and real help so that 'mum' can go and have a lie down for a while without being called upon (except for feeding when the baby can be brought to you, freshly changed and you can feed, quite relaxed)

It is all about supporting the mother. No oversteps the mark, you can tell them to bugger off if you want to and no one gets offended.

I am a massive introvert but I love the fact I know if I need anything my family will be there like a shot and there will be no catch and no passive aggressive weird dynamics like you get in most British families.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/06/2020 17:46

And what if your partner doesn't want ten people in his house? Does he get no say, you know, as it's also his home?

NowImLivinInExeter · 04/06/2020 17:49

Well we wouldn't have that here anyway, as we don't have so many relatives in the UK, but as I've said upthread, he loves my family. His own are cold, undemonstrative and never discussed emotion.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 04/06/2020 17:54

I love my family and my husband's family - no way are ten of them installing themselves in my home if someone is recovering from a procedure.

NowImLivinInExeter · 04/06/2020 17:55

They don't install themselves, they're just there if you would like them there. Sometimes we do and sometimes we don't.

aSofaNearYou · 04/06/2020 18:20

I don't think anyone is more important but I do think the father's side of the family do need to respect that the mother has gone through a major medical ordeal and her needs need to prioritised at least in the immediate aftermath. I don't view childbirth as only about the baby and becoming a parent, it can also be a major medical trauma in itself, specifically for the mother.

FourPlasticRings · 04/06/2020 18:43

It is all about supporting the mother. No oversteps the mark, you can tell them to bugger off if you want to and no one gets offended.

I don't know. I was talking to a woman from a culture that has similar norms around family involvement and she said she feels she missed out on a lot during her kids' early years because all the extended family felt it was their right to have a turn and 'help'. It can be very intrusive.

NowImLivinInExeter · 04/06/2020 18:52

FourPlasticRings

I'm sure it can be in lots of cultures and families, but it isn't in mine. No one feels they have a right to anything.

thenamesarealltaken · 04/06/2020 19:01

Both important and both to be valued. Reasons such as trying to get the baby into a routine, etc., well, I think that's quite dismissive, and maybe hurtful, certainly no excuse if one parent can go, but not the other. Both parents should be welcome wheb you're ready, but sort how they get there etc., themselves, ie no overnight stay. How would you like it (or your friend) if you have a son and are feeling pushed our like that? A little empathy maybe.