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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers - who’s is more important?

452 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:02

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:
Wolfgirrl · 30/05/2020 12:34

Yes. The new mum's own mother cares about them both.

Whereas scratch the surface a bit and most MILs only care about the baby.

I acknowledge some women have lovely MILs and good for them, but sadly isnt the case for a lot of us.

Useruseruserusee · 30/05/2020 12:34

I think the mother has just gone through the physical and mental ordeal of pregnancy and childbirth, so it should mainly be up to her who she wants to support her. For me this was my own Mum, as much as I do like and get on with my MIL. For others it may well be their MIL.

I have two sons and wouldn’t be annoyed in the future if I had less time with any grandchildren initially for this reason. It’s not about that - it’s about supporting the new mother.

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:35

@curtainsforme

Bit harsh that? What's led you to conclude I'm going in like a steamroller with advice?

Do you think maybe my best friend of 20 years has asked me for my advice and I'm trying to collect my thoughts??

Honestly... 🙄

OP posts:
Useruseruserusee · 30/05/2020 12:35

And it’s only for the initial period - my DSs are 5 and 2 now and both love and spend time with my Mum and MIL equally.

Wolfgirrl · 30/05/2020 12:35

I think the mother has just gone through the physical and mental ordeal of pregnancy and childbirth, so it should mainly be up to her who she wants to support her.

You would think so, but PILs overstepping the mark is always explained away on here as 'overexcitement'.

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 12:36

She is allowed to choose who she sees or does not see at any point in her life. Indeed she is as is her husband and if they share a house there needs to be a bit of give and take. I don't imagine anyone is suggesting there has to be equal time just meeting her new grandchild.

krispycreme · 30/05/2020 12:38

Totally depends on the family situation. My MIL is absolutely fantastic with our children and has been a huge support to me. She has been first to see and meet our DC every time. DC1 by just minutes but the others by weeks/months.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:38

Bit harsh that? What's led you to conclude I'm going in like a steamroller with advice?

2 threads worth of varying advice is a bit stems rollery.

Why not leave them to it? She asked your advice, the usual response would be 'see who you want' not to run along to Mumsnet and make multiple threads asking the unanswerable.

People are different. Relationships vary.

copycopypaste · 30/05/2020 12:38

I think it all depends on the mothers. Imo, as a first time mother, you need someone who can support you and your baby.

My mum was great as she cane and stayed for 2 weeks following the birth of my dd. She basically made sure I was fed, I got some sleep, she cooked and cleaned for me. She was a massive help, without ever telling me how to do things or that I was doing anything wrong. The only time she ever gave advice was when I asked for it.

1forsorrow · 30/05/2020 12:39

I have two sons and wouldn’t be annoyed in the future if I had less time with any grandchildren initially for this reason. It’s not about that - it’s about supporting the new mother. So if you were told you definitely weren't allowed to see the baby for a month and then they'd consider it you wouldn't be even a tiny bit disappointed? I don't think anyone has said the MIL should come in and support the mother, she'd come for a social visit to meet a new GC.

cologne4711 · 30/05/2020 12:39

should the birth mothers needs be prioritised over the fathers

Yes.

He just has to do the impregnating and then live with a hormonal woman for 9 months but other than that he can get on with his life, still do sport, still drink alcohol, nothing changes for him until the baby is there.

The mum has to do the pregnancy but. Absolutely her needs and wants come first.

cologne4711 · 30/05/2020 12:39

pregnancy BIT not but!

zscaler · 30/05/2020 12:40

Depends on what the mother of the baby wants. She’s the one who had just gone through the physical extremity of birth. Her wishes about who to have around after the birth absolutely trump those of her husband.

Badassmama · 30/05/2020 12:41

Birth is a traumatic experience often and those first few weeks you are incredibly vulnerable so yes, the mothers need for her mum is of higher importance than the father’s mum seeing the baby.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:42

Indeed she is as is her husband and if they share a house there needs to be a bit of give and take.

This makes no sense. If one person in a relationship, particularly a new mum, doesn't want someone to visit then they do not visit. Nobody is saying he can't see his family, just that they cannot push a visit to the house upon his wife just after she has given birth.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:43

I don't think anyone has said the MIL should come in and support the mother, she'd come for a social visit to meet a new GC.

The new mother does not want a bloody social visit. She wants the support of her own mum.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 30/05/2020 12:43

My MIL is fantastic we have a great relationship. When i had DD1 i needed my own mother close during my recovery and mil respected this. However i never banned her i have an open house policy with her. But she knew boundaries. When DD2 was born MIL was amazing taking my toddler a few times a week etc
I think you need your own mum. I wouldn't feel comfortable discussing post birth issues etc with MIL

Aria2015 · 30/05/2020 12:45

From my own experience, it was more important to me to have my mum around than it was for my dh to have his mum around after we had our lo. But that's generally the case anyway. My dh loves his mum but he doesn't lean on her for any emotional support whereas I rely a lot on my mother for that kind of thing. His mum was the doting grandmother and very baby focused (which is fine and understandable) whereas my mum was in mum mode looking after me. I needed that because let's face it, a baby is never short of fuss and attention but mums can be!

Mucklowe · 30/05/2020 12:48

It completely depends on the couple.

I would rather eat my own arms than have my mother anywhere near me at or after birth. Conversely, I'd love for MIL to be there.

Different strokes for different folks.

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 12:48

She is a nice woman though I've met her a few times! She's not my cup of tea but she adores her kids and she's a fantastic grandmother to her daughters kids.. she's is a pain in the ass though lol

She's a fantastic grandmother to her daughter's kids because she has a relationship with them. If your friend carries on trying to keep her away, she'll find herself on here in a few years complaining about the daughter's children getting preferential treatment.

She doesn't have to have the MIL move in, but the odd visit for a couple of hours isn't too much to ask.

She doesn't want to stop the MIL visiting, she would never ever do that! She just a) doesn't know how she will feel at the time and b) is and has been heavily reliant on her mum since she was born

I have to say, I do think it's a bit strange to be so dependant on your mother rather than your husband (general "your"). Obviously, natural to feel more comfortable breastfeeding or slobbing around in dirty clothes in front of your own mum, but me and all of my friends depended on our husbands for support far more than our mothers. Because we're grown ups who have long since settled with our spouses as our main support in life. I'd only be calling my mum in if DH couldn't be there.

Autumnsloth · 30/05/2020 12:49

I think it depends on what they're asking. If they want to come and stay with your friend and only one can come and stay then the new mum's needs trump the dad's. She's the one who is physically drained, might be walking around the house topless to BF, hormonal and so on. If it's about visiting for the afternoon I think both have equal rights. It's checking in that everyone is ok, perhaps helping out, seeing baby etc.if friend really can't stand her MIL she can go lie down while MIL and husband coo over baby and wash up.

Barring them for 4 weeks seems excessive. I wouldn't have had anyone stay at ours until 4 weeks, but happy for people to pop in for afternoon.

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2020 12:50

"The mothers need to NOT see a troublesome person over rides the needs of the troublesome person to see a young baby.

This applies equally to anyone, not just MILs."

This is absolutely spot on.

Anyone who is a difficult person and is not going to be respectful and sensitive to the needs and feelings of the mother who has just given birth should not be welcome. That could be anyone in the family, and it could be her own mother but is more commonly the MIL.

OP, in your friend's case I would advise her to ask her husband to encourage his mother to stay nearby in a BnB or hotel, so she can stay for a few days and visit little and often during that time, without being there the whole time.

However you did say that he's very close to his mother so I expect the main problem arises from the fact that the two of them disagree about how to deal with her. He needs to prioritise the needs of his wife and child but with a difficult mother he might struggle to do that.

slashlover · 30/05/2020 12:51

Yes. The new mum's own mother cares about them both.

Whereas scratch the surface a bit and most MILs only care about the baby.

She doesn't care about her son too?

Ragwort · 30/05/2020 12:54

I think it's very unkind to stop the MIL from even meeting the new baby 'for a month to get into a routine' Hmm.

However as a mum to an only DS I would fully understand that the new mother wants all the support she can get and that would most likely (not always) come from her own mother and I would never make 'demands'.

I think the problem in this example is that the MIL needs to stay the night which obviously makes it difficult.

In an ideal situation, MIL could visit her DS and new baby and the DIL could take the opportunity to have a long bath or a nap, just get some time to herself.

But too many women seem to enjoy getting into a power battle between DILs & MILs.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 12:54

If the mother has had a rough time with the birth and needs her mother to support her this is more important.

However if the father is not a complete tosser he will be able to support his wife7 girlfriend and put her first in the post partum phase. This may mean neither grandmother needs to be present.

The baby is not a tourist attraction or toy and the short time after giving birth is a very vulnerable time for many women.

The father is going through some emotional termoil perhaps, but his wife has either pushed a 6-10 lb person through her pelvis and birth canal or had serious abdominal surgery, she is leaking milk and establishing breastfeeing, her digity is fragile because of her physical state, in many cases. Pregnancy an birth are medically significant events and postnatal hormonal turbulance is significant and provable.

The newborn gains nothing from being passed around and tbh the wants of the grandmothers are irrelvant.

It isn't about being fair, it's about whose needs are objectively greatest, and immediately post partum the mother who has just given birth has the greatest need of support. If her husband was a decent man he'd realise that and not be making it into a competition.

Btw WTF at the use of the term "birth mother" - the woman who gives birth is the mother, this is not a post about an adopted child but about a woman giving birth!