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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour just scolded my husband for building a fence. AIBU for being angry?

335 replies

LindyMoe · 29/05/2020 18:54

We're building a fence on our land for privacy in the garden. There is currently a hedge about waist high the neighbour has grown between gardens, but we would like privacy especially with my newborn.

He questioned my husband, demanding a reason for the fence but given it's on our land and we're sacrificing garden space to be away from his hedge, I'm quite shocked. He said we dont need one, that it's not pretty and that we haven't given him the attractive side. My husband said we're allowed to build what we want within regulation... it's a fence!

He then stormed off and said goodbye to being neighbourly.

In this time of worry and stress its making me quite anxious and I'm worried he will try and cause problems for us.

AIBU to be angry about this? I wanted to be friendly but honestly dont think we've done anything wrong.

Sigh

OP posts:
LittlePeepoToy · 29/05/2020 19:25

You should have mentioned it I would go round apologise for not informing him beforehand.
You can the fence up of course but wasn’t very neighbourly to not let them know in advance op.

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2020 19:25

If you have had a garden with a 3 foot fence / boundary for many years
and some bugger puts up an illegal 7 foot fence taking all your light
YOU'd be pretty pissed off

Well I’m not sure it would take all my light but sure I don’t disagree, but hoping some random on mumsnet has their fences demolished is beyond extreme. It’s not even your garden they border, you don’t know the person and you’re on line hoping their fences are demolished.

Confused
unchienandalusia · 29/05/2020 19:26

Op it's not about having a manual. It's about developing good neighbourly relations with your neighbours. So if you're doing something like putting up a fence or building work you ask yourself how you would feel if your neighbour was doing that. And going and see them/call/text and explain in advance offering explanation.

It's called being a grown up.

HorseChestnutTree · 29/05/2020 19:26

Had literally no idea that you are supposed to put the fence that way round There is no supposed to about it, there is no law and it is down to you if you want to but as he is being a twat I would not bother TBH.

I have to say I find the whole ‘I’d be horrified if my neighbours could see into my garden’ attitude a bit weird. Our boundaries are a mishmash of low fence, hedge, and mesh with plants growing through. Our cottages feel a bit like a holiday camp. It’s lovely.

Lovely for you. But not everyone feels that way and if the OP feels she wants more privacy then she is entitled to put up a higher fence.

CharmerLlama · 29/05/2020 19:27

Why would you give him the attractive side? You paid for it, it's on your land and you said there's a hedge there so he won't see most of it. Keep it how it is OP.

gumball37 · 29/05/2020 19:27

Why the fuck would you ever inform your neighbor of what you're doing on your property? I mean... I told my neighbor about hedge removal only because they'd have to stand on his property to remove the hedge. It affected him... A fence on my property... Nope.

Jenala · 29/05/2020 19:27

Totally not unreasonable to want a fence. I think the polite thing would have been to go over and explain beforehand as it does affect their garden however you're not being unreasonable. If you want to try and mend the neighbourly relationship you could go over, apologise for not thinking to talk to him about it first and say you are turning the panels so they have the more attractive side. Say you don't mean it personally and just want to make sure your garden is private and secure for your child as they grow.

JumpingAtJackdaws · 29/05/2020 19:30

What strange responses. If you'd said your neighbour was putting up a 6' fence on their land and you were really angry, you would be told you're weird, why do you want to see into their garden? and to mind your business. But then AIBU is contrary for the hell of it a lot of the time.

MrSheenandMe · 29/05/2020 19:32

How tall is it?

thethoughtfox · 29/05/2020 19:33

He's a dick but you don't give your neighbour the shitty side of the fence.

diddl · 29/05/2020 19:33

Some people want to be able to see neighbours in the garden & have a gossip over the hedge/fence, others don't.

You've done nothing wrong, Op.

Devlesko · 29/05/2020 19:34

You don't need a manual to know how to be courtious to neighbours surely. Did you not have any growing up?
You don't have to tell them, it's just a nice thing to do.
I'd have opted for a trellis over the hedged bit and spoken to the neighbours.

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 29/05/2020 19:34

i agree you should have just told them

frostedviolets · 29/05/2020 19:35

This thread is utterly bizarre.

I couldn’t have a garden without a 6 foot fence, privacy is really, really important to me.

I wouldn’t tell the neighbour I was putting a fence in nor would I give them the attractive side.
Why on earth would I?

It’s MY property, I am well within my rights to put up a fence on my own property and it’s my fence, I can have the attractive side if I want it.

If the neighbour is really that bothered they can buy their own fence with the good side facing them or they can grow their hedge higher to hide it.

Ridiculous reaction, I’d be really annoyed as well

SunshineCake · 29/05/2020 19:35

Utter nonsense you are supposed to give the neighbours the attractive side Hmm🤣

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/05/2020 19:35

In about eighteen months, just how good did your neighbour imagine a waist-high hedge would be at confining a newly running toddler? Presumably they wouldn't want to be fetching your child back home every time your back was turned and they were out in the sandpit?

Bluntness100 · 29/05/2020 19:36

I really thought that as we were building on our land it wouldn't matter

In reality it does and it doesn’t, of course you can do as you please, but normal practice is if you do something that impacts your neighbours to let them know. As I’m sure you’d like to be informed if your neighbours were doing something to impact you. It’s not permission it’s just being polite.

Please try to remember some folks on here think it’s cool to shout fuck off at old people in the supermarket, don’t answer their doors and want a text message to warn you will be phoning. They have no friends, and wish to socialise with no one, and are loving lock down.

So for them the mere concept of informing your neighbours is alien. They prefer to tell their neighbours to fuck off and Wish for some randoms fence being demolished.

You make your own judgement on what is reasonable, but I’m fifty one, bought my first home at 23 and have lived in a number of properties as well as renting out two, and for me, if it impacts your neighbours be polite and tell them, because good neighbourly relations is sometimes very important.

You don’t need to agree, others take the opposite approach. Your call on how to handle these things.

If it was me, I’d say to the guy, sorry we should have said, here’s some nice chocolates or something and try to calm it down. No one needs a war with their neighbours. No one. And sometimes even though you’ve not technically done wrong, it pays to be the one to extend the olive branch and smooth it over.

StoorieHoose · 29/05/2020 19:36

He doesn't need the attractive side - he has a hedge to look at. Good fences make good neighbours. You have done nothing wrong

Devlesko · 29/05/2020 19:37

Do people do something to their gardens so next door can't see in from upstairs then?
It's ok putting up fences so you can't be overlooked when neighbours are in their garden, but they could be upstairs watching you, anyway.

Original poster
LindyMoe · 29/05/2020 19:37

Given the aggressive way he spoke to my husband I think it best to leave it. He has lived here decades, so I'm guessing the garden was that way for a long time. We moved in last year so just learning garden etiquette?

He said he doesnt want to be neighbourly so we'll give him the attractive side and leave it at that.

Now I'm better informed I'll take it as a lesson learnt.

Thanks for the responses!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 29/05/2020 19:39

I’d not give him the attractive side though...

RuffRiders · 29/05/2020 19:40

Dont give him the better side, what next?

Let him choose the colour, height, how it should be positioned?

He doesnt want to know you anymore.

MadLad · 29/05/2020 19:41

You're allowed to do what you want but that doesn't mean you weren't rude for putting it up without speaking to him first. You don't need his consent or permission but it's still reasonable behaviour to have a talk first.
Also, you're risking losing some of your land if you build a fence on your property. It allows him exclusive use of a bit of your property and he may end up acquiring it through adverse possession eventually.
If you want to be friendly then you would have been friendly. Friends don't put up fences without speaking to other friends, sounds to me like you were being evasive. It's your legal right but it doesn't make it nice.

FOJN · 29/05/2020 19:41

If the fence was actually on the boundary line then it would make sense to let your neighbour know but it isn't, it's on your land. I probably would have mentioned it but I don't think your failure to do so justifies your neighbours reaction. I think it's a bit odd that you're expected to give a neighbour the "good side" of a fence you paid for, cheeky bugger. You do not owe anyone an explanation for wanting privacy in your own garden. I'd carry on and put your fence up, you've done nothing wrong.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 29/05/2020 19:41

Don’t give him the ‘attractive’ side. How ridiculous. Go ahead OP.