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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour just scolded my husband for building a fence. AIBU for being angry?

335 replies

LindyMoe · 29/05/2020 18:54

We're building a fence on our land for privacy in the garden. There is currently a hedge about waist high the neighbour has grown between gardens, but we would like privacy especially with my newborn.

He questioned my husband, demanding a reason for the fence but given it's on our land and we're sacrificing garden space to be away from his hedge, I'm quite shocked. He said we dont need one, that it's not pretty and that we haven't given him the attractive side. My husband said we're allowed to build what we want within regulation... it's a fence!

He then stormed off and said goodbye to being neighbourly.

In this time of worry and stress its making me quite anxious and I'm worried he will try and cause problems for us.

AIBU to be angry about this? I wanted to be friendly but honestly dont think we've done anything wrong.

Sigh

OP posts:
TabbyMumz · 29/05/2020 20:19

Its nonsense that you should give them the more attractive side. Why on earth should you. It's your fence, in your land, you can have whatever side you want. Most people take the most attractive side if they pay for the fence.

StripeyDeckchair · 29/05/2020 20:25

Ok explain this nice side of the fence thing to me please.
I didn't know that fence panels looked different from each side & that one side is preferred.
If I'm paying for the fence then surely I can have whichever side of the fence panel facing into my garden.
Why would a neighbour feel they should have the better side?

TabbyMumz · 29/05/2020 20:25

"Good side is the bit without the posts showing. The only way round it is if they want to pay for their side."

That's providing the posts are wood and the panels fix to it in front of it. Most fences have the posts mid fence so to speak, so can be seen by post sides. The majority of fences by me have concrete posts with ridges, so can be seen by both sides and the panels slot into them from above. The nice side is where you cant see the horizontal slats holding it together. The downside to that is, people can climb over the panel easier if they have the bad side.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 29/05/2020 20:26

Ah tell him that your dh is taking up nude tai chi and you want to share their blushes.

TabbyMumz · 29/05/2020 20:28

"Ok explain this nice side of the fence thing to me please.
I didn't know that fence panels looked different from each side & that one side is preferred."
For example, my good side has vertical pieces of wood which are nailed on to three horizontal pieces of wood on the other side. The bad side is when you turn it around and you see the frame, so you see 3 horizontal pieces of wood, with the vertical strips nailed to it. On the preferred side, you dont see the frame.

Queenoftheashes · 29/05/2020 20:29

I think I’d be delighted if the neighbours shut themselves off at no charge to me.
Not that I have this issue but I used to live in a row of terraces with waist height fences. Ugh never again. The neighbours on either side shouting at each other while I was hanging out in my garden was bizarre!
So anyway your neighbour just sounds nosy, tell them you’ll drill a hole in the fence so they can spy on you if it’s so vital they can see in.

Laiste · 29/05/2020 20:31

Oh my Dad (bless him) used to have this 'Posts Go On The Side Of Who Bought The Fence' thing enshrined in law in his head. He firmly believed you could tell at a glance who had paid for which boundary fence and who was responsible for what just by looking at the posts.

Then when i bought my cottage up here and he had a look at the deeds and it came to light that everyone round here had done what they liked with regards to where all the posts are i swear he almost had to go and have a lie down in a dark room! Grin

ListeningQuietly · 29/05/2020 20:32

I find it very sad that people do not regard their garden as part of a contiguous whole of green space.
We have hedgehog gaps and feeding stations
we aim for bird and bee friendly plants
our garden is part of the greater landscape

why would anybody buy a house with an existing garden if they do not want to be part of the landscape Sad

battiebatter · 29/05/2020 20:35

It's common courtesy and neighbourly to let you neighbour know that you are doing something that will be such an obvious change. It's good of you to change the side though. Saying that, your neighbour sounds unhinged and you are better off with a nice new fence so you don't have to see his grumpy face.

lilgreen · 29/05/2020 20:37

It is correct to offer the attractive side to your neighbour. Otherwise you are within your rights. I hate the look of fences and would grow something in from to disguise it if I was your neighbour .

Jaxhog · 29/05/2020 20:37

Neighbours can be really weird about fences! It is good etiquette to tell neighbours before changing fences or putting in decks etc. But you don't need their permission. It isn't as though you dug up his hedge!

It's done now, so I would just carry on smiling and giving him a wave when you see him. The probability is that it will just blow over.

Glowcat · 29/05/2020 20:38

’We have hedgehog gaps and feeding stations
we aim for bird and bee friendly plants
our garden is part of the greater landscape‘

You can have all that and fences.

lilgreen · 29/05/2020 20:38

It’s just polite to tell neighbours about anything that might affect them op.

Whenwillthisbeover · 29/05/2020 20:40

No way would I give him the good side, give him an inch...

Anyway, surely the good side will just face the hedge. Fuck that.

lilgreen · 29/05/2020 20:41

@Tabby you keep the posts on your side because you need to maintain the fence.

Laiste · 29/05/2020 20:42

My garden is an extension primarily of my house, not the landscape. Therefore i want my privacy and that means a decent height fence.

I can still plant animal friendly plants, leave gaps and have bird feeders Confused

We live in a village in a bloody great swathe of miles of countryside. I don't think the birds ect. round here are going to be horrified by a few feet of wooden fence.

And an urban setting isn't a green-space to interrupt. I used to live in London where's even more need for a bit of privacy and the feeling of your own bit of 'green space'.

Takingontheworld · 29/05/2020 20:43

The expectation is that you give the attractive side to your neighbours

Wtf. Am about to spend 2k on fencing. Am i fuck having the ugly side.

Who made this rule!?

Perisoire · 29/05/2020 20:45

I think the myth that you have to give your name the attractive side has been debunked.

Laiste · 29/05/2020 20:47

I'm a bit 'on the fence' (boom boom) about weather it would have been a good idea to have told the neighbor in advance. Seeing how he's behaved, there's every chance he would have kicked off about it then as well. Maybe done something to make the build more awkward physically or something. Dunno ...

PickAChew · 29/05/2020 20:47

To put the better side on the neighbour's side, they'd have to hammer it in place drom the neighbour's garden 9nly issue there is a hedge in the way.

Original poster
LindyMoe · 29/05/2020 20:48

So interesting reading all these responses. I went back out and the houses either side and further down all have the 'ugly' side facing the neighbours.
So its etiquette but none of them have done it... I'm scratching my head lol.

Honestly though thanks for responding

OP posts:
Oldraver · 29/05/2020 20:50

For those that are confused about the good side of a fence... not all fences are made if panels, some are posts and vertical slats

The blue fence is the good side to me. The brown one the bad side to me with the pots showing

Neighbour just scolded my husband for building a fence. AIBU for being angry?
Neighbour just scolded my husband for building a fence. AIBU for being angry?
Neighbour just scolded my husband for building a fence. AIBU for being angry?
peajotter · 29/05/2020 20:50

It’s good manners to mention it before it goes up, as it adds shade to their garden (unless you’re on the north side).

I have had vegetable and flower beds ruined by neighbours raising the boundary, as they were shaded. If they had mentioned it before hand I could have moved the plants at the correct time. Not the end of the world but rather thoughtless.

MrsHSW · 29/05/2020 20:51

I get that it's a nice gesture and all but fences don't come cheap, why give them them the nice side? They should be grateful you are maintaining your boundary properly.

I think it would have been better to let them know - 'by the way there might be noise etc'. But cant be changed now, maybe just give them a knock and say, I'm sorry, I dont want to fall out but we forgot to mention work would be starting ... but we are putting a fence up?

You have a right to privacy - we put in a new 6ft fence on the side it says we have to maintain in the deeds, the old one was falling down and short. Our neighbours got a new fence line which looked much better then the old one and was much safer!

I get the thing about light, that isn't an issue where I live, but you are allowed up to 6ft right?

If he continues to make this an issue then so be it, if it wasn't this it would have been another non-issue you fell out over.

ElsieMc · 29/05/2020 20:52

My dd and her dh are currently having a similar problem. They have politely told their neighbours that they are erecting a higher fence for privacy purposes for reasons like yours. However, the ndns are not happy. They say it will block their light, which it will not and stood holding bits of wood up etc to see if it did so.

The reason they need to do this is that the same neighbours installed a huge decking area whilst my dd was on holiday for two weeks. It is high up and completely looks into their garden. If they go outdoors, the neighbours immediately pop up looking over on the decking and asking what they are doing etc.

My sil has decided he is putting up a fence and that's that but I can see this being the end of neighbourly relations.

Laiste - we have second homeowners nearby who want "a full uninterrupted view of the sky" when they are present for a few short weeks a year. For this reason they object to my hedge, all trees, any untidy countryside generally, animals etc. Its if effing countryside fgs. Oh yes and noisy birds. The other neighbours want it to remain as it is a screen against the wind. You simply cannot please everyone all the time and I have made my position very clear to second home owner.