Anyone ever feel like a slave in their own house?

[MyMindsaBlank123]

Just this.
Spent over 3 hours this morning cleaning the house, usual stuff including hoovering, dusting, unstacking the dishwasher/restacking with dirty dishes, cleaning kitchen and bathrooms, general tidying, bed making etc. Also cleaned the oven and grill racks. Mopped floors. Had a quick lunch then straight out into the garden, spent another 3 hours of backbreaking digging/weeding and planting in clay soil, and filling/lugging 20 sacks of clay/rubble across the garden (just moved into a new build) until it can be taken to the dump.
DH cheerfully comes down from his office to ask what's for dinner. I could cheerfully have throttled him. Told him to make his own and the kids dinner. I go in after their dinner to find 1) dirty dishes left on the kitchen surfaces, not in the dishwasher which I tell them to do EVERY FUCKING DAY 2) recycling/manky yogurt pots left out, not taken to recycling area 3) dirty dishes in sink 4)dirty footprints all over the kitchen floor 5)empty food packets strewn across the kitchen 6) general untidiness and mess everywhere 7) bathroom towels chucked at the towel rail not folded over it.

Honestly, sometimes I just feel like crying, its a never ending battle and I repeat myself every day but it never sinks in. I wonder why I bother and I would go on strike but I know I could not live in a dirty/untidy house so I end up doing it anyway. I feel like a nagging witch and like a slave in my own house. Anyone else ever feel like this?

I can empathise. It's not the doing it's the noticing. DH will do anything when I point it out as needed, but would rarely independently do it. It's also the lack of care and respect for the home- my kids are small so they get some slack- but wet towels left and crumbs and rubbish when I have just tidied and cleaned is enough to break me some days. I work too btw! My sympathies all.

Sometimes. My Dd has just started work and came home the other night and complained I hadn't washed up or anything round the house when I'd been at home all day. I gave her my best Paddington bear stare and reminded her that she'd been home for two months while I was at work all day.

Things are far from perfect in my house but I have jobs everyone is expected to do

4 year old tidies own toys, tidies own bedroom when asked to and sets the table every day.

Teens are expected to thoroughly tidy, dust and vacuum their bedrooms once a week. Also strip their beds and put clean sheets on. Wifi goes off if not done by Sunday lunchtime.

They’re also expected to empty all the bins once a week and put the recycling out.

I don’t wash anything that isn’t in the laundry basket. This includes dp’s clothes that he drops on the floor next to it. I hate it but grit my teeth and leave them there until he picks them up. Anything he leaves on bedroom floor I chuck over to his side of the bed and ignore (luckily he sleeps on the far side so I don’t have to look at it)

I do all the washing and drying but everyone apart from the baby puts their own away.

After dinner one teen wipes table and counters and the other sweeps floor. Alternate days. Everyone helps load dishwasher

At the weekends one teen unloads dishwasher in the morning and the other mops then floor in the evening

I do all the other cleaning and tidying. Dp does the diy and gardening. There’s a lot of diy in our house as it’s a complete renovation project so it is a weekly task at the moment; we still have a huge list of things that need doing.

My kids are grown now, but I definitely used to feel like this. I think it's worth going to counselling to sort it out, because it's seriously disrespectful. You're not his mother. And the kids are learning from him that it's your job. In the meantime, set up a discussion and agree a rota, where everyone contributes, regardless. This isn't small stuff in a relationship, at all.

My other tip is that children who are left too late to learn to contribute, really resist if if it's left until their teens. Basics in our house were that kids did the dishwasher, wiped the kitchen surface after dinner, took out bins and recycling and took up their own laundry pile. They cleaned own room from a reasonable age, with some help and direction when they were under 11. I might call them to help for half an hour together at half term, or whenever, if mess piled up.

It amazes me how many people have lazy useless partners and raise lazy children.

I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house despite the fact that I work longer hours and I make more money. I also do more childcare because DH is fine not spending time with the kids but I feel guilty if I take time for myself because I work and time with them is already limited. It's a complete load of shit and I would have liked to have been born a man so I can live a selfish life and not give a shit about anyone else.

I've had to completely change my way of thinking. I'm a single mom but my oldest is a hotmess when it comes to picking up after himself. I remind and stress and yell and it just makes me miserable. So I just remind and then take care of it. He'll have his own place someday and he will either see he needs to pick up after himself or he'll live in squalor. Teaching him is the best I can do

You need to change YOU

^^This!

Only an idiot (sorry) would spend hours in the garden moving earth around on the hottest day of the year if they didn't enjoy it.

Why would someone so obsessed with the condition of their house bring up lazy children? Or are your standards so high that no one can achieve them so they've given up trying?

I was brought up by a housework martyr and was shamefully lazy as a teen. I still dont enjoy housework much (who would) so I married a man who would pull his weight and have brought up my 2 boys to help out effectively and with minimal moaning. Because I'm no ones slave.

zaphods my eldest is 4 and i regularly say dinners ready but I can’t possibly serve it until x y z is done, being tidying a few things at that age. It’s a good low key instant consequences option.

It amazes me how many people have lazy useless partners and raise lazy children

It amazes me how many women on this thread are ready to blame other women, who are already having a hard time, rather than the lazy partners who are imitated by the kids.

Many relationships are far more equal before having kids, it's easy to miss the signs until it's too late - and why should the woman then be expected to either go back in time and choose again, or have to be teacher as well as domestic servant?

I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house despite the fact that I work longer hours and I make more money. I also do more childcare because DH is fine not spending time with the kids but I feel guilty if I take time for myself because I work and time with them is already limited. It's a complete load of shit and I would have liked to have been born a man so I can live a selfish life and not give a shit about anyone else.

Oh my god this exactly. Or just found a woman to marry instead.

Yabu to let them all get away with it.
Stop being a martyr.
Your girls are more than old enough to be doing chores.
Stand there and make them do it.
Teach them how to do it to a proper standard.
My 10yo makes his own breakfast and lunch, hangs out,sorts and then puts away clean washing.
Dusts the living room and sweeps kitchen floor.
Brings bins in and out and puts out any recycling.
Ive taught him how to do a proper clean of the bathroom since lock down so we take that in turns now.
We live here together, we are a fimily, we both need to do our bit and work as a team.

I sympathise. It's down to me to do absolutely everything!

why should the woman … have to be teacher as well as domestic servant?

No, she'd be lifting herself out of the servant role and putting herself into management role. As such, her job is to delegate as much as she needs to in order to ensure she has time to manage her team's performance. The more supervision they do, the longer it takes!

In reality, I don't see many people treating chores in an office managerial way, but I think it totally makes sense. It means those who don't see the mess should actually do more of the cleaning than the one who does because they're relying on her (or his) skills to notice what needs doing!

No, she'd be lifting herself out of the servant role and putting herself into management role. As such, her job is to delegate as much as she needs to in order to ensure she has time to manage her team's performance. The more supervision they do, the longer it takes!

Again - fundamentally, why is the woman the domestic manager, when we all live in the same home? This comic is extremely relevant www.google.com/amp/s/english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/amp/

My XH liked to make a mess. It gave him something to shout at me for. He'd leave wet towels on my side of the bed (so I'd have to sleep on a damp mattress) and then shout at me if I didn't move/wash them. I tried shouting back once.

Just once.

And I also tried leaving all his shirts that didn't go into the laundry basket. It just meant that I ended up with twelve shirts to wash dry and iron instead of just a couple at a time. He didn't care that I was a servant in my own house. He liked it.

Well, only because I was replying to a comment about a woman. You'll notice in my second paragraph I just referred to the people who see the mess and those who don't. That doesn't have to be first group women, second group men and teenagers, although for a majority of posts on here it is.

My husband was once like this.
I say once due to emptying the kitchen bin one day and after putting a clean bag in it, I swept everything off the work surfaces into it, then placed it in the dustbin.
His clothing that wasn't in the wash basket were left where he dropped them.
Cups etc left where he left them.
He soon got the idea.

And I also tried leaving all his shirts that didn't go into the laundry basket. It just meant that I ended up with twelve shirts to wash dry and iron instead of just a couple at a time. He didn't care that I was a servant in my own house. He liked it.

I'm assuming from this that he was generally abusive? So you had no choice?

Because I wouldn't have washed the shirts, let alone ironed them in that case.

That is so bad op. I’d go nuts

Good grief, just stop.

Don't do their laundry. Don't cook for them. Don't even shop for them. Take the rubbish and dirty dishes they leave around the house and dump it in their bedrooms / car / study / somewhere else inconvenient for them but so that it's not in your way. Make it their problem, not yours.

They need to learn the hard way exactly how much they rely on you and how much value what you do has.

You will have to put up with mess whilst they crack, but short term pain, long term gain.

Yes, NannyOgg he was generally verbally and emotionally abusive. It would no more have occurred to him that he could wash his own shirts ('I don't know how the machine works!') than that he could look after his own children or hoover his own carpet. If he HAD had to wash the shirts he would have ignored me for at least a week and then read me the riot act about how he paid for everything and therefore I had to do EVERYTHING in the house.

And yes, I divorced him.

Oh and one day I'd left younger son at home (he had a slight cold, so was off school) while I went to work. When I got home, I was met with 'thank god you're home! I want a drink and there are no clean mugs!' from DS2.

THAT was the point when I finally flipped. And when he went off to Uni, DS2 was astonished at how many people couldn't work a washing machine or cook for themselves! So they can change!

@Zaphodsotherhead

Well done. I'm glad it worked out for you

Is there nothing your daughters ask for OP? I tend to find if my daughter doesn't do what l ask, when she wants me to do something, l leave it until she asks me a few times and moans l haven't done it - then l hit her with the whole see how annoying it is. Might sound petty and childish but actually is the only way l think she understands my frustration - l can literally hear the penny drop!Am sure they will want a favour from you before long. Good luck xx