Anyone ever feel like a slave in their own house?

[MyMindsaBlank123]

Just this.
Spent over 3 hours this morning cleaning the house, usual stuff including hoovering, dusting, unstacking the dishwasher/restacking with dirty dishes, cleaning kitchen and bathrooms, general tidying, bed making etc. Also cleaned the oven and grill racks. Mopped floors. Had a quick lunch then straight out into the garden, spent another 3 hours of backbreaking digging/weeding and planting in clay soil, and filling/lugging 20 sacks of clay/rubble across the garden (just moved into a new build) until it can be taken to the dump.
DH cheerfully comes down from his office to ask what's for dinner. I could cheerfully have throttled him. Told him to make his own and the kids dinner. I go in after their dinner to find 1) dirty dishes left on the kitchen surfaces, not in the dishwasher which I tell them to do EVERY FUCKING DAY 2) recycling/manky yogurt pots left out, not taken to recycling area 3) dirty dishes in sink 4)dirty footprints all over the kitchen floor 5)empty food packets strewn across the kitchen 6) general untidiness and mess everywhere 7) bathroom towels chucked at the towel rail not folded over it.

Honestly, sometimes I just feel like crying, its a never ending battle and I repeat myself every day but it never sinks in. I wonder why I bother and I would go on strike but I know I could not live in a dirty/untidy house so I end up doing it anyway. I feel like a nagging witch and like a slave in my own house. Anyone else ever feel like this?

I have my University and boarding school boys home along with the two younger ones. Some days are better than others with them helping.
What is working for me is having them all responsible for separate distinct jobs and clear boundaries with them. So you put your own plate in the dishwasher after a meal, but then one dc is responsible for all of the rest of the meal clean up. I have been specific that this includes wiping the counters and sweeping the floor. The fourth dc unloads the dishwasher every day. Then on a Saturday we split up the house cleaning. One dc does all the bathrooms, one hoovers, one polishes/dusts and one does the deep clean on the kitchen. They all have to keep their own rooms tidy and change their own sheets on Saturday. I keep the laundry running and cook (which I like so it works) and food shop. I am still nagging as they forget, but there are less arguments about whose turn it is to do what and so that is a small win!

If they did get stroppy and refuse to help, the wifi would be turned off for all kids and the peer pressure would build up pretty quickly 🤣

Yup, totally!
I was off for a couple of weeks at start of lockdown - dh commented on how it would be ‘lovely for me to be home all the time’ - hell no, I’d rather take my chances ‘out there’

Absolutely relentless- have found black bin bags to be my friend, all stuff not put away/shifted was bagged up and dumped (hidden in boot of wfh dh’s car) that one worked nicely.
God love ya, have some of these

@SeaToSki remind me to be you when my ds is bigger. As I believe the youth say: #goals

Stop picking everything up, stop loading the dishwasher with things you haven't touched and make them do it if that means standing in the doorway of their bedrooms to make sure they pick their clothes up off the floor then do that.

I started interrupting them when they were mid-game or mid-tv programme to make them clear stuff away but they were primary school aged then. I now have two very tidy teenage boys.

Dinner, they set the table and help make it. After dinner everyone takes things into the kitchen, then Dh and I stay in the kitchen and the boys clear the rest of the table, scrape plates etc, wipe down the table and dry it. Then they come into the kitchen. Anything washed up by hand is dried by them and put away, no one leaves until everything is away and the worktop is wiped down. They unpack the dishwasher 3 days a week each, I do the other one, Dh works, I am a SAHM. They are also responsible for either the recycling bin or the kitchen bin, it gets emptied twice a week without fail on set days. One of those days is the bin collection day. They put it out and bring it back in.

When they prepare lunch everything goes into the dishwasher there and then before they move from the kitchen. Only hot baking trays are left until after lunch. It is a habit, just like showering and teeth brushing.

These are not things they are paid for. No-one pays me to do housework, no-one will pay them to do housework when they are in their own house.

There needs to be consequences for not doing chores. What do they value the most?

Oh, and I made a list so they can see exactly what they are meant to be doing each day. That way they couldn't say they didn't know and I didn't need to say specific things. Just point to the list.

You either enforce and give consequences or you carry on like this.

But I would be shutting myself in one room and looking after just me. They could sort themselves out. With no wifi.

Do you pay for their phones?

I do sympathise op, I think after many heated discussions in our house we have all reached a compromise.

It is especially difficult during this time because everyone is home all the time.

I make my dc do jobs, yes they grumble but they just have to do it. No it doesn't always get done properly but I just pour out that things don't get done by themselves and many hands make light work.

Dh is far less messy than he used to be, he cooks on the weekends and we generally do a big clean together once a month, we both do day to day stuff that needs doing, I do more as I'm home more and it is very Groundhog Day.

I have let my standards lower a lot, dusting and big cleaning gets done far less often but everyone has to chip in with the general day to day tidying up.

I've got to say however, although dh is pretty slack about things such as cleaning the bathroom, he'd never leave the kitchen in a compete state. He also doesn't ask what's for tea. I do generally do the week day cooking, but if ever I don't he would just stick the oven on and make something.

I hear you. It’s exhausting, and the battle to get them to do it is exhausting. It’s easier and quicker to do it ourselves and so we do.

I have 4 DCs, anytime one is asked to do something I have to listen to a rant of how it is unjust I have singled them out and then how the other 3 get away with doing nothing/are favoured/deserve to be asked more. By which time I could have done said task.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint. And bloody well feels like one too.

I always thought I’d be more like you mud pie maker (hats off to you - that’s very impressive). Much more of a ‘throw the towel in’ parent it turns out.

Yep every day. kids are 13 and 17 and im constantly at them to clean up after themselves, and have been for years but still..they are better at it than their father. who is 53. easier to just go with the flow most of the time..the stress from nagging somehow feels worse than just doing it myself.

No,
I never feel like a slave in my own home because
-slaves are forced to work
-slaves cannot choose to leave
-slaves can be legally physically brutalised, raped and killed
-slaves cannot express any opinions
Etc.

So, no, I don’t “feel like a slave” when doing normal adult housekeeping tasks because it is not even remotely comparable to slavery or being a slave.

with girls that age I'd stand over them while they do what needs doing. don't just ask. Be consistent and itll become habit. with my 6yo I'll ask "what have you forgotten?" and she know to put shoes away or whatever.

@PlanDeRaccordement 🙄

No because I don't allow myself to be a housemaid/martyr. Leave the fucking dishes, don't do any laundry, let them live in their own filth for a few months, stop cooking.

The problem with this and all the comments saying “just go on strike” or similar is that the only person it’s really going to impact is you.

I’ve tried leaving DS to do his own laundry but it ends up that he’s stomping around the house getting angry bcs he has no clothes and will then refuse to go out.

Leaving him to clear his own room is all well and good but there are communal things such as towels and cups (oh my god and pens!!) that I need to go in and search for at which point he gets grumpy for me going in there.

I act so encouraging when he cooks but the mess afterwards makes it not worth it. And yes I could stand over him and nag him but it would descend into an argument where he barricades himself in his room and my evening is ruined.

Sometimes there is no easy answer and it is just easier to let things lie and have a peaceful lockdown and a harmonious relationship.

I’m sure someone will be on to criticise my parenting and this is another annoying thing. Even as I’m reacting to my son and trying to do my best I hear someone’s voice in my head saying “you should be doing things differently. This is your fault”. It’s relentless and tiring.

So in short OP, YANBU.

Buy yourself a hammock for the garden and refuse to move. This is what I have done and it's working well. The house is a tip but they don't seem to care and I can't see it from the hammock anyway. At some point I will have a shouting session and make them clean up but for now things are good.

I'm the same as @SeaToSki - we have jobs after dinner, so someone does the floor, someone the sides, someone the dishwasher.

I don't do anyone's washing - they all have allocated days (and their own baskets) and have to bring their own washing down. I may if I'm being kind switch it to the dryer. They then have to take it back up. If they don't bring it down, it doesn't get done.

We all divide the house up on a saturday and do some cleaning each

They have set times they're allowed to eat breakfast and lunch. And there are rules about tidying up after lunch (this is the most difficult to enforce because I'm usually working at this time). (This is because otherwise there is a constant stream of people in the kitchen eating, and making mess. And I have to become a cliche telling them that I'm not running a hotel etc).

It works pretty well, although I've just been down for coffee and there are several bowls in the sink and an empty dishwasher.....

I ignore bedrooms apart from my youngest but even she cleaned her own room yesterday.

I don't have a partner, but it would piss me off immensely if he behaved like yours OP.

I KNEW after posting this thread that someone would make an issue of my use of the word slave in the original post. 'Slave' in NO WAY refers to actual slavery, its an everyday EXPRESSION used by many people ie 'I've slaved over a hot stove', 'I'm slaving away at work' etc. How do people get through their lives by being so offended at everything? I'm not going to say anything else on that subject because its just totally ridiculous.

Your husband sounds hopeless (mines shit with housework too although more useless than lazy) but its the kids I would focus on. As a PP has said, it's your job as a parent to raise them properly to look after themselves and have respect. If my 11yo leaves dirty washing on the floor (does happen occasionally) I will shout for her the minute I find it and rant at her while she clears it away. Same with a mess in the kitchen unless she's at least tried to clean it. If it was happening regularly there would be consequences, probably doing some of my chores until she learned to do her own. As for your husband have you told him what youve told us and he just doesn't care? If so he's a dick

They are all more than old enough to be taking part in keeping the household functioning. Put them on a rota which means they get impacted by each other. One makes lunch, other one clean up kitchen. One clears up after dinner. One empties the dishwasher in the morning. They’ll argue with each other about the mess that has been left and become self policing. The one who has to fold or sort washing will complain about the state the washing went into the baskets or came out the washing machine. All tasks need to include everyone’s stuff not just their own. X hasn’t made lunch - the rest of the family are hacked off. Y hasn’t cleaned the kitchen after lunch - no one gets dinner. X hasn’t emptied the dishwasher - Y can’t clean up after lunch and so on. It doesn’t take long before they get the hang of it as a how does this impact everything else mindset.

How about changing the wifi password. So that then only you know it and at say, 4pm, turn it off and say you want the house clean, everything put away and floor hoovered. And when they have done that you will cook the evening meal.

And this is the new rule.

I'm so glad I divorced my useless twat of a husband. Better to be alone than have that bubbling resentment at their total lack of shit giving about household stuff.

Sorry you're going through it op. I really do feel your irritation. Just push for them to help more. Or if you're desperate bag it all up and leave it in your husband's office

I'm the same, it's hard enough trying to keep everywhere clean and tidy while I'm here, but when I return to work and two teenage DC will be home alone I'm going to be coming home from work and then clearing up after them, seems a pointless thankless task.
I wonder how people like Mrs Hinch can keep their houses so immaculate, then I realise they don't have three DC and DH going around trashing everything she's just done 😣

"And every night I ask them to put dirty laundry in the basket or at least at the top of the stairs so that I can gather it up easily. I ask them to put dirty dishes in the dishwasher every day, and every day they are left in the sink or on the worktops. I just can't keep saying the same things over and over again. At heart it is disrespect isn't it? They just don't care how long/how hard a person works to keep the home they live in and enjoy looking nice. "

It sounds like when you ask the children to do something and they don't do it, you do it anyway - they don't have any motivation to change their ways. As previous posters have mentioned maybe if they had consequences for when they didn't do something, then they'd learn to do it. I'm not saying it'll be easy and it probably will take a lot of perseverance but if you carry on doing all that stuff for them it does sound like they'll carry on as they are.

My sympathies op, it sounds like a hard situation

Stop being a martyr and delegate and insist. They can only do what you allow them to do. You say you can't but actually you can change this. I would definitely let them live in their own messy bedroom and would not wash what is not in the laundry basket. When they leave a mess I would ask them to come and clean it up and watch while they do it. Your Dh should support you and pull hus weight too. Insist!

@0hforfoxsake I just think we pander too much to children. I volunteer in a primary school, reception children who are a mere 4 years old collect their prison tray for lunch, choose their meal, collect a glass and cutlery and then when finished, scrape their trays, empty any water out of the glass and put the glass and cutlery into the correct bins.

What do you think they do at home? Mummy or Daddy takes their plate from the kitchen, I think that is fine but then the parents clear the table! You can always tell in a classroom when they are in year 4/5/6 those who have to tidy up at home and those who don't.

What we think of as parenting can sometimes just be spoiling, we are denying children the opportunity to be independent, to learn a skill of how to do something.

I remember being shocked first year at uni when I lived with people who couldn't cook. I am not talking prepare a meal from scratch I mean an 18 year old who had never even removed a supermarket pizza from a box because Mummy was looking after him. Never cleaned either. So disgusting to live with people like that.

As a SAHM I didn't want to raise 2 boys to think women do all the housework for the men. Tidying habits should be instilled from a young age and then kept on top of. Both of my sons' bedroom floors are tidy. I think it is disrespectful to dump clothes on the floor. Teenagers should not live in pits. It is not good for mental health.