Anyone ever feel like a slave in their own house?

[MyMindsaBlank123]

Just this.
Spent over 3 hours this morning cleaning the house, usual stuff including hoovering, dusting, unstacking the dishwasher/restacking with dirty dishes, cleaning kitchen and bathrooms, general tidying, bed making etc. Also cleaned the oven and grill racks. Mopped floors. Had a quick lunch then straight out into the garden, spent another 3 hours of backbreaking digging/weeding and planting in clay soil, and filling/lugging 20 sacks of clay/rubble across the garden (just moved into a new build) until it can be taken to the dump.
DH cheerfully comes down from his office to ask what's for dinner. I could cheerfully have throttled him. Told him to make his own and the kids dinner. I go in after their dinner to find 1) dirty dishes left on the kitchen surfaces, not in the dishwasher which I tell them to do EVERY FUCKING DAY 2) recycling/manky yogurt pots left out, not taken to recycling area 3) dirty dishes in sink 4)dirty footprints all over the kitchen floor 5)empty food packets strewn across the kitchen 6) general untidiness and mess everywhere 7) bathroom towels chucked at the towel rail not folded over it.

Honestly, sometimes I just feel like crying, its a never ending battle and I repeat myself every day but it never sinks in. I wonder why I bother and I would go on strike but I know I could not live in a dirty/untidy house so I end up doing it anyway. I feel like a nagging witch and like a slave in my own house. Anyone else ever feel like this?

You are living my life OP, except that my Dh is even lazier and my kids are three teenagers . All taller and stronger than me.

If tried asking them to do it - nothing.

I tried standing over them - all they did was argue and be obnoxious. Of course it was quicker and easier to do it myself. Which is the point .

I did a rota which they all sighed up to. No they did nothing.

The only way that worked was to leave it . After a couple of days Dh will do something or shout at the kids until they do it. The standard is very poor but it’s something.

This is really really hard if you care about your house. However I’ve spent most of lockdown WFH in my bedroom and working in the garden. I walk quickly through the disaster zones that used to be my lovely kitchen and living room .

After about 4 days they run out of clothes. Not all their clothes of course but the favourite ones they wear all the time. I get a lot of “ mum where’s my red shorts ? “ . I resist the urge to say “ on your fucking bedroom floor where you’ve stepped over then for the last week “ and I shrug .

I can’t wait until they all go back to school/ college / office and I can stop living in a tip. I’m sure this makes me the worst parent in the world but I don’t care .

I feel this so much OP! As do quite a few posters, evidently (and sadly!)
Your girls are quite a bit older than mine and I’d be all over them to help. Leave them a list of chores to complete, be specific and be clear about what will happen if they don’t help (reduced screen time or whatever)
With your DH, he sounds just like mine. It is infuriating. I finish cleaning a bathroom and he will leave towels on the floor, shower gel up tiles, not bothering to open window. What got me was that it felt like a mark of disrespect - what must someone think of you, to see you’d gone to a particular effort and then just mess it up. I don’t crap on his spreadsheets?! But now I realise it’s not really about respect, it’s just a lack of thought and he doesn’t care as much. Or see what I see, so he doesn’t value it as much. It’s annoying but not deliberate.
Anyway, I agree with the poster who said going on strike will only impact you. It’ll drive you nuts. So in addition to getting your girls up to speed and having a proper talk with your DH, consider throwing their stuff right back at them. Those dirty glasses? Stack them outside their bedroom / office doors. Their dirty clothes? They can be chucked on their bed. Nice shower gel etc? Buy yourself some and hide it. Realistically you’re not going to stop housework altogether but perhaps some little lessons will show them you’re not a doormat

I agree! Everyday I do the jobs I usually do once or twice a week, I am constantly picking up tiny bits of Lego from the floor and removing bread crumbs from EVERY FUCKING SURFACE!!!! And why is it so hard for someone to put a cup or plate into the dishwasher rather than leaving it on the side next to the dishwasher??!!

DH has a stressful job and works hard, so I am used to carrying the burden of the household, but I do feel like I'm working as a servant at the moment!
His 'helpful' suggestion is to not bother trying anymore.....

Yup yup. Another one here.

I have managed to get DH and DD to put their own clothes away (but did start this late last year as I hate putting washing away)

I had a rant at the pair of them last week as DH buggers off several times a week on his bike for hours on end. I do all the planning, shopping, taking DD to do the horses and all household stuff.

DH offered to cook for himself last night to ease my load, because - in his words - it’s really hard to think of something we all like.

I gracefully declined his offer and said he needed to pull his finger out as his ‘I’m alright jack’ attitude is totally shit and I do expect more. Especially as he’s between contracts and I’m still working.

With respect I think you have made a rod for your own back here! Why on earth are you doing the bloody garden as well FFS! I would not put up with this .I also think you need to reassess your priorities here .That amount of grunt work in one day is massive!As you say you are a neat freak ,maybe need to drop your standards (or have a heart attack!)Try to hoover a few times a week ,mopping say once a week and so on .I imagine you are a SAHM? The problem is you are being left with all the dross as DH is too busy? Sod that ,tell him the garden is his to do and maybe some hoovering as well .DC no pocket money if they dont tidy up DW (yes you!) day out /walk /meet up with chums once a week minimum .You are not a sodding skivvy!

I would hate living in a tip but I absolutely wouldn't lift my pinkie finger for them. I would cook for me. Shop for me. Only wash my dishes. Only wash clothes from the basket. Go out A LOT now lockdown is easing and the weather is glorious.
I doubt I'd even speak to any of them I'd be so furious. And if I was paying for phones or anything else I'd stop.

If you don't do something this will not change. Are you really willing to carry on like this?

What nanny0gg said 100%

Agree with nannyogg wholeheartedly. It'd be the only way I could stay sane. But yes definitely do less where you can bear to and make it clear you are NOT their live in maid.

Hottest days of the year so far

Why would you spend 3 hours cleaning inside, when it's hot outside

Children & your DH should be helping with chores every day
Teach them how to cook

Do you work outside the house ?

I honestly don't understand how posters can come on and say that their Dhs leave their clothes on the floor, ask what's for dinner, leave towels around, leave shit on the toilet. Why tolerate it? They are grown ups and it's just disrespectful.

OP, I have a rota for everything - I have children aged from 8 upwards. None of my children moan about the rota. It includes cooking meals - they all cook (well not my 8 year old because that would be disastrous). It means I don't feel that I'm a drudge. You should do the same. Why isn't your H cooking? your teens?

The PP that said their lovely house is a disgusting mess. Why? Why are you putting up with that? In my house people clean up after themselves. Their clothes get put in a bin bag if they leave them on the floor (and in any case, the dogs will shred them). They would not contemplate leaving wet towels on the floor. And there is a rota for weekly hoovering on top of that. And a rota for clearing up after dinner.

It's not perfect - I have no idea what stops them changing the loo rolls over - but we all work together to have a nice house.

We had another thread the other day about getting up a 'rota' for jobs, where I gave my kids' responses to our household rota the time I tried it (basically, ignore it, argue about it, swap jobs with others and then don't do their 'shift' or 'be out when your turn comes around'). Rotas are great if you start them on one Day One (or when they are capable). My DH lived here when the children were small and he would actually tear up a rota and tell me I was a SAHM, it was all my job.

@Nanny0gg

Agree.

I come on threads like this and thinking I really must be a thundering bitch, because there is NO way my 4 would get away with it.

Now, mine are as lazy as they can get away with and are pro's at attempting to slink away whenever they see jobs.

So I understand OP about laziness, however they don't get away with it.

I won't let them.

I will turn the wifi off and say it doesn't go back on until their rooms are in ship shape, loos cleaned, laundry hung out, all of the jobs.
I tell them I am not anyone's skivvy.

You are trying to change them OP.

You need to change YOU.

Cease doing anyone's laundry except your own.
Don't mention laundry.
Don't collect it.
Just leave it.

Stop cooking.
Tell them to sort themselves out, get a sandwich, whatever "I'm not cooking".

Do this for a few days.

If you say you can't do this, well you are a bigger problem than them.

Tell your lazy husband to crack on, you are done.
Go on plenty of walks,
Read in your room.

Take a break from them.

People, especially kids only change their behaviour through self interest.

You waster husband will get onto the girls if he sees YOU mean business.

But you come across as a martyr, poor me, trodden on women.

Screw that.
Down tools and tell yourself no more.

Have some self respect.

My friend did this, it took 5 days for her oh so important Professor husband to take action. He is a lazy git and was pretending not to notice.

He cracked first😁and all 5 of them spent a whole day sorting the house.
She made it bloody clear to them that she wouldn't hesitate to down tools again, because she was done.

Not perfect now, but so much better.
Also her husband knows she means business and has started calling the kids out on it.

Change YOU OP...the rest will follow.

So what are the consequences when they don’t do what they’re asked? Change the WiFi password? Stop pocket money if they get it? Don’t just moan like a cracked record. Go on strike until they get their shit together, I can’t believe you just let them get away with it

At their age, your dd should be doing pretty much everything for themselves. If they can’t cook, teach them then delegate meals per day. Leaving the kitchen and bathroom in a state is disgraceful, get them away from whatever they’re doing and stand over them until they clear up. Yes, it’s a complete pita for the first couple of weeks, but then they’ll be in the habit. Give them consequences, phones locked up, no internet etc until everything is done.

We just kind of muck in together, and have since they could toddle - after eating, we clear the table together. They learn that if we all scrape the plates, stack the dishwasher, wipe the table etc. the sooner it’s done.

Same with other chores, it’s more of an ethos than a rota I guess.

Oh my days I had a home like this. Dirty Boxers on the bathroom floor every morning. Wet towels left on MY side of the bed. If I didn’t take the bins out they simply wouldn’t be done until I did. Wet washing left in the machine. Cups piling at the side of the bed.

Luckily I have a partner who is 50/50 now.

Have stern words, you are not a slave. DP and children should be doing their bit when they are at home too

It boggles my mind that there are women who would prefer the chaos of life you describe to the peace of living alone. I would rather live in my van again than ever live in a sharehouse.

What you describe is a bunch of selfish housemates. It takes 2secs to mindfully look around & tidy up your mess.

Your kids are teenagers but it sounds like they are infantilised - if they have no appreciation of what you do, stop doing it for them!

Problem is you have to quit making yourself a martyr & this is a role for whatever reason you take some comfort in. I would start throwing out clothes left in piles, leave the towels wet & rotting on the floor till they have nothing to dry themselves with. Do you have the finances to leave & go stay in a hotel for a week ? I’d do it & let them know you will not be returning until everyone in the home steps up & helps out.

The kitchen issues would send me mad - I don’t know if this is a cultural thing where people leave the kitchen messy to “clean later” - am Italian & everyone of this culture I know cleans the kitchen before the meal is considered over. The men sweep the floor or take bins out. Everyone helps & it takes 5mins if that to clean up after dinner.

Everytime I read posts like this it makes me deeply grateful I decided not to have children & don’t want to be tied down by marriage either.

I feel the same op. I have 3 dds and a dh who do bugger all except make a mess.
One will do some cooking and will wash up with direct instructions.
Middle one had sen and struggles to even deal with her own shit but will bring plates etc down from room.
Little one is constantly being nagged about leaving wrappers etc lying around. I do it calmly but dh shouted. So ironic as dh is the worst offender. He is too ill apparently to do it. Funny how he cannot pick a dropped crisp or wrapper off the floor even with a grapper but could bend down to get a cider out of the fridge.
The kids havw in the padt said dad doesn't do it so why should I. This was before his health deteriorated.
I have bern on se furlough but back doing very part time work next week. Things will have to change.
Every one in the house seem to gave floorwardrobes which are left where they are. Totally gross.

I am sick of cooking and cleaning. OH is off this week. I have been working and homeschooling and he has mowed the lawn. Told him he can sort the washing up. I took my breakfast into the garden. He has come out 3 times to moan about the dishwasher getting blocked, stuff left on plates etc etc. It would have been less painful to do it myself. And now the bloody neighbours have turned on their hot tub. We have big gardens. Why they decided to put it right against my fence I don't know. Fml lol

I gave up long ago. Wasnt so bad when I was a sahm and I spread the chores across the days when everyone was at work/school but now I work full time too.

DH doesnt tidy. What he does is yell, yell about the mess, yell that the kids dont clear up. Then he starts declaring we need to hire a van to get rid of "all the shit" in this house. Actually we dont need a van as we dont have loads of crap lying about, everything just needs to be put away in its proper place! He's one of the worst for leaving stuff out too.

I'm happy enough washing clothes, but the kids all have their own basket in their rooms and have to bring it down when asked so I can wash it. They have to put their clothes away. DH's clothes tend to sit in a pile on his drawers, never quite make it inside them. I dont even care anymore.

I've recently started making the kids do the dishwasher now they're all tall enough to reach the cupboards. I tend to close the doors on their rooms, not my problem.

All those who say 'don't let them get away with it - withdraw all rewards'...what if, as I was, you are so mired in poverty that you don't have the money for 'treats'? Or 'pocket money'? Mine were young in the days before devices and wi fi, so I couldn't withdraw that. We were existing, hand to mouth - there were no day trips, no holidays, no sweets or takeaways to hold back against work being done.

And when kids don't see any reward for what they do - they don't do it. Mother is permanently 'there', if, as i was, you are a single parent you can't just 'bugger off and leave them to it', if they are too young to be left alone for days.

So what is the solution then? Mine grew up largely feral and I was the 'house elf'. They've all turned out brilliantly in immaculate houses, so they DID know what needed doing - they just didn't see any pay off in doing it!

You honestly can't expect your children to do chores and clean up after themselves if they see one fucking lazy parent not doing anything either. First it's the OH's mindset that has to be worked on (why is it your job to clean other people's shit from the toilets etc) then you both work on the children.

This week, my partner took his dirty clothes off and left them on the floor right next to the half empty laundry basket.

That's the last straw on top of an awful lot of vileness and such, I tore him a new one and gave him several angry pieces of my mind.

That's the sort of shit a teenager does. He's nearly fifty.

I haven’t, but I know people who’ve felt like that but it was very largely self-inflicted because of a) excessive clean-freakery housework, and/or b) making complete doormats of themselves where children were concerned, I.e. running around after them and doing things that they were perfectly capable of doing themselves.

I suspect that at least one these women derived some sort of masochistic pleasure out turning herself into a doormat, even though she moaned - because it meant she was ‘needed’.

@Puffinhead I do occasionally intersperse my lectures with a rant but I like to save it for something special!