Anyone ever feel like a slave in their own house?

[MyMindsaBlank123]

Just this.
Spent over 3 hours this morning cleaning the house, usual stuff including hoovering, dusting, unstacking the dishwasher/restacking with dirty dishes, cleaning kitchen and bathrooms, general tidying, bed making etc. Also cleaned the oven and grill racks. Mopped floors. Had a quick lunch then straight out into the garden, spent another 3 hours of backbreaking digging/weeding and planting in clay soil, and filling/lugging 20 sacks of clay/rubble across the garden (just moved into a new build) until it can be taken to the dump.
DH cheerfully comes down from his office to ask what's for dinner. I could cheerfully have throttled him. Told him to make his own and the kids dinner. I go in after their dinner to find 1) dirty dishes left on the kitchen surfaces, not in the dishwasher which I tell them to do EVERY FUCKING DAY 2) recycling/manky yogurt pots left out, not taken to recycling area 3) dirty dishes in sink 4)dirty footprints all over the kitchen floor 5)empty food packets strewn across the kitchen 6) general untidiness and mess everywhere 7) bathroom towels chucked at the towel rail not folded over it.

Honestly, sometimes I just feel like crying, its a never ending battle and I repeat myself every day but it never sinks in. I wonder why I bother and I would go on strike but I know I could not live in a dirty/untidy house so I end up doing it anyway. I feel like a nagging witch and like a slave in my own house. Anyone else ever feel like this?

It sounds like your kids and husband need training better. There’s no way they should be allowed to get away with that. If they don’t do chores then that’s a result of your not having expectations of them around the house. I would sit them down and explain that things are going to change and tell them what their jobs are. You’re the parent!

I have told them time and again what I want / expect of them, what they can/should do to help me. I tell them until I am blue in the face. I tell them every day. I still get no improvement. Or I get one day when someone will do a single solitary thing like wiping a work surface and then act like they deserve a fucking medal.
Honestly, I do try. But its so wearying and soul destroying to say the same stuff for the past 5 years day in day out, that yes, I probably have made a rod for my own back in doing everything, just to a)get it done faster b) get it done properly.
To the previous poster, I also fantasize about living on my own in a clean/neat house! My DH took the kids away for 3 days last year camping and it was absolute bliss to only have myself to look after knowing that when I left the room it was going to stay looking clean and tidy when I came back into it! Yes, my life is that sad.

“I have told them time and again what I want / expect of them, what they can/should do to help me.”

Um. I realise you aren’t replying only to me, but it is interesting that you leap directly to “I've told them what to do loads of times”.

That is not what I suggested. What I said was. “Maybe you can call a meeting and figure out what is realistic and acceptable for everyone.”

See the difference? Have you ever tried this approach? It does sound like you have quite high standards OP, standards that your family might not understand. Your children might grow up to be fastidiously clean and tidy, but let’s be real, at this stage of their lives they are not that likely to be that way yet.

So there will probably have to be compromise on all sides. And consequences... perhaps they can suggest what would be reasonable. And maybe they will surprise you.

The night before you do washing ask your girls and DH to sort out their white,colour and dark washing into seperate wash baskets and anything not in you ignore.
Ignore your girls rooms,close the door,don't look.
Build up your repetoir of meals that only take 30 mins to cook,get your girls to cook too and get your oh to cook at the weekend.
Make sure you don't make your garden another area to keep too neat.
I did like it when my exh went away too for the very same reason.
Since divorcing I live in an uncluttered house where everything has a place.
My DD can cook,will run the hoover around if I text her from work,is rubbish at washing dishes but will put everything away if I ask.
I am more tolerant of mess because mine and takesi minutes to sort and no nagging,no resentment and no more of feeling like an unpaid housekeeper.

What you described is just really disrespectful.
I'd go ballistic personally. It's not nagging at all. Its harder at the mo because everyone is under eachothers feet. Kids under a certain age can be excused but older ones should help and zero excuses for your husband.

You need to work out things that will impact on them and prioritise those things. Washing the saucepans probably won't have a clear impact on them so don't hassle them to do that. Not having clean clothes or lunch will impact on them. Small steps. Once they start doing that then look for the next thing for them to do. Coloured plates or fixed places at the table help too. It is clear who is responsible.

I was like that but have trained my kids (teenagers) to put their own dirty plates in dishwasher, they also clear table after mealtimes, do the bins and recycling at the end of every day, it's not just down to me, and I want them to maintain their own home when they're older and not rely on their partners.

Yanbu OP. DH moaned the other day because I had a lie in, quite late. He is furloughed at the moment and I'm on maternity leave. I was up at 5am the previous morning with our baby and did nt get to sleep until 2am that night because of chronic pain. So when I came downstairs at 9am after a shower, DH complained that it was unfair.

He sits on his laptop browsing the internet for maybe....4 - 5 hours a day? When do I get that time? Does it really matter if I stayed upstairs for longer than normal when I do all of the housework the rest of the time? I'm quite vocal about it, too.

I think it's really hard at the moment with the kids home 24/7.

I feel the same. Dh was only in two days a week for the first eight weeks. But now he is back at work. I feel like hes working and doing the house. I wish we could swop roles

I know it'll be difficult for you but you need to just stop, take care of you and only you, just for one day. Get your own meals and leave a mess in the kitchen, make your own brews and just sit and watch TV all day. When asked "what's for lunch/what's for tea?" Just reply "dunno" shrug your shoulders and ignore them all, ignore the mess, they will learn to appreciate what you do, when you are no longer doing it. Good luck!

I do live alone with a dog and a garden, And I truly do think of all of you. I raised five kids as a single mum, not one of them ever lifted a hand in the house (except to fling crisp packets on the floor). They've all grown up to be tidy, clean people in their own houses. But my god I am so glad to live on my own and be responsible for only my own stuff!

They were so disrespectful and awful about helping in the house because that's what they learned from their DF, that mum was there to do it all. Which is why I divorced him.

I tried going on strike and no lie in 3 fucking days not a single dish was washed. In the end I did it because I couldn't bear it any longer.
Yesterday my husband asked why I hadn't vacuumed the hall (I had, done everything else) I silently gave him the vacuum and said I'd see him when he finished.
He did do it and apologised but it just means he'll keep quiet rather than help.

What did you do when you walked into the kitchen and found it in that state?

Because I would have gone up the stairs yelling at my two daughters and telling them to get downstairs immediately and clean up their mess and I would have been obviously raging angry and I would stand over them until the place was cleaned up.

With their laundry .... put everything they drop on the floor into a black plastic bag and hide it somewhere. When they run out of clothes/underwear/whatever tell them that surely isn't possible as you wash everything in the laundry basket.

And honestly, I'd turn off the wifi until they started pulling their weight.

Your husband is a disgrace for letting them walk out of a room like that. You wouldn't treat a servant like that tbh. He needs to seriously wise up. But I would focus on getting your children to get in shape - you have a duty to rear them right. You have no duty to turn your husband into a kind and thoughtful man - that's on him.

I am sitting here looking at a plie of washing up that no one else can be bothered to put away, and after a bit of a debate with DH today as to why he buggered off and left me with a pile of jobs to do, i have been far too bust to cook his supper tonight. Hope he's not hungry.

I have been admitted to hospital overnight today due to reduced movements and actually its almost like being on holiday. I love my kids and husband but they don't see how much I do because it's always just done!
Wonder if they'll appreciate me more when I go home? Maybe, for a day or two.

I have n’t read the whole thread, clearly you need to divide the work up more fairly, but you choose to do all This in one day

Children need chores from a very early age otherwise they grow up to be ungrateful lazy pigs. Everyone has to start somewhere.

You are so not being unreasonable. I must say/shout “I feel like a slave” 20 times a day. It’s relentless. I’m shattered.

Children need chores from a very early age otherwise they grow up to be ungrateful lazy pigs.

No truer words have ever been written. All this angst, bitterness, and mess is completely avoidable.

Yes! DH and I come from a culture with very traditional gender roles and despite growing up in western countries, and being fairly equal before DCs, since having them it's gone a bit to hell, and lockdown has made it 100 times worse. He's amazing by the standards of where his parents still live, but far behind even the average UK man.

I'm the main earner, work longer hours and still do most of the housework. At one point he was a sahp, and it was awful, he was great with the dcs but did not do any house jobs or tidy up, and then I'd be envious of all their fun together and so upset that my time outside work was filled with finishing up all the household chores, cooking and organisation needed to keep the household on the road, as well as care for our older relatives.

I've found no great solution except earning enough to outsource jobs, but that's an incredibly privileged position to be in and not the best for society, or our own family. My dream would be to share jobs more, and that would let me take a less stressful, lower paid job where I'd spend more time with the kids without drowning at home.

Single mum here! Two boys as soon as the eldest turned 13 he turned into a man
Putting rubbish, washing, recycling, dishes next to the required bin,,washer etc ... it's like a bloody in built Gene!!?

The dad called me today... after telling how hard he's working ohhhh my life etc, told me he's on the golf course 😩😩👌🏻😬 twat.......really! I have a business but I'm looking after two children all week and he's playing golf

Arrgghhhhhhhh 😩😩🤯🤯🤯

@pallisers

What did you do when you walked into the kitchen and found it in that state?

Because I would have gone up the stairs yelling at my two daughters and telling them to get downstairs immediately and clean up their mess and I would have been obviously raging angry and I would stand over them until the place was cleaned up.

With their laundry .... put everything they drop on the floor into a black plastic bag and hide it somewhere. When they run out of clothes/underwear/whatever tell them that surely isn't possible as you wash everything in the laundry basket.

And honestly, I'd turn off the wifi until they started pulling their weight.

Your husband is a disgrace for letting them walk out of a room like that. You wouldn't treat a servant like that tbh. He needs to seriously wise up. But I would focus on getting your children to get in shape - you have a duty to rear them right. You have no duty to turn your husband into a kind and thoughtful man - that's on him.

Yes!! You need to start issuing consequences like this.

Yes!
It's so relentless. I'm totally exhausted - husband is helpful with laundry and does volunteer to do parts of chores - but then doesn't actually complete them - giant old vax is currently spread out with flex everywhere on our small upstairs hall for two days - no doubt the one yr old will trip over on this tomorrow. ..
I try to (but dont always manage!) To let it wash over me as I value my own wellbeing and don't want to be the angry version of me.
I write him a list.

I have got a great visual daily plan which was going brilliantly for first half of lockdown. Designed for dd5 but i maje sure dh has a look at it wvery day too. After lunch was house jobs time and I'd say tiday we need to do x and x and dh abd dd5 would really get something done. This has gone by the wayside rather as dh has become more focused back on his degree (admittedlt I think this has gone to shit recently ) and dd has gone half wild...
But she is sometimes super helpful , this is more in hr nature than his!.
In the past I wrote them all a letter - it's not fair etc etc - and this was taken more seriously than yet more nagging. Might be worth a try.
Followed by family meeting - it helps to make something like this also a positive with choc brownie, board game or similar?
Ypu could even get all creative and make a game - we love our little pot of conversation starters - now that I think of it I think I'm going to do this right now!

Some sort of schedule with v small jobs each day helps keep things manageable for me. I really try not to do too much ..

Have you considered threatening to Facebook-shame them with photos of the mess they leave? "How Tom thinks the kitchen should look after he's made a sandwich," "Katie reckons her bedroom doesn't need tidying yet," "Before and after my DH made a cup of coffee," etc...

I hear you. I was just thinking to myself ‘God I’ve turned into a nag’. Always complaining to myself or grumbling that DH has put a pan I need in the dishwasher rather then wash it up or asking my DD to turn her clothes the right way round before putting them in the basket or wondering why I’m the only one who ever hoovers etc
The way I cope is to unofficially give myself the weekends off.
So sat/sun I won’t clean. I’ll do bear minimum tidying. I’ll leave all cooking to DH and I don’t nag the kids.
Yes if means I wake up to a shit pit Monday morning but then I blitz what I can when DD is home schooling and DS watches cartoons.
Weekends I also treat myself to a couple of hours away on my hobby and have a glass or two of wine.
It’s the only way I cope.
You need to find a way of doing less so you get a break.