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AIBU?

OH wants me to pay for everything while he saves

169 replies

Moanyoldbugger · 28/05/2020 11:28

I'm still getting paid from work and Selling press on nails as I'm a part time nail tech.OH is self employed so managed to get the grant for 1k. I have been paying for everything he has paid for the odd shop. He has his own savings with more in than mine. His grant is due in next week and he said the money is going straight in the savings and he's not spending it.

I'm starting to get pissed of and starting to hate him i have a lousy £300 in my savings. I brought the kids new clothes new car seats as they are things they desperately needed. He's going on about his birthday constantly and saying "I better get something good"

He wants me to pay for everything because I earn more but I've had enough!!

AIBU?

OP posts:

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DishingOutDone · 28/05/2020 12:43

Are you married? Why did the house end up in his name, lots of people asked already are they his kids?

People are asking this so that they can then advise you how to get out or get him out not to be nosy! How many years has this been going on?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/05/2020 12:45

Are you married? If you are then you may have some claim on the marital home even if your name isn't on it. In this case see a solicitor before you make any final decisions.

If you are not married, stop paying the mortgage. If he wants to keep 'his' house he'll pay it, trust me. He isn't going to want to lose 'his' house.

No more transferring money to his account, you keep control of your own finances. If there are bills needing paying, tell him you'll pay them direct. Do you even have any idea of what the household bills are? He's so selfish he could have been building his savings by 'overcharging' you.

I'd be making plans to leave. Use the mortgage money to find a small place for you and the DC and get the hell out of Dodge. But since he is self-employed remember that chances are he'll fix things so he doesn't pay maintenance, either working cash or underreporting. Keep that in mind when you plan your budget.

LuaDipa · 28/05/2020 12:46

I am so sorry that he is behaving like this. Completely agree with pp’s. His house, his bills. Don’t give him a penny more and I would look to move out as soon as possible.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/05/2020 12:48

He's being an arse. Your relationship doesn't sound happy generally, not just about the money, or about what he is or isn't doing during this time.

Which is why I picked up on this bit Now my nail business is taking off things are going to change after this lockdown as I have been heavy reliant on him for the past couple of years. How heavy is heavily, and how was he about that? Was he fully supportive, or grudging? And is he seeing this as tit for tat?

Whatever, he's not sounding good. And the relationship isn't adding anything good to your life. Maybe time to move on.

B1rdbra1n · 28/05/2020 12:50

He couldn't even package them up properly
Of course he made a mess of it!
If he had done a good job he would feel as he was working for you and he can't do anything that makes him feel as if he is deferring to you.
he has to make it clear by all his words and deeds that HE is the important one and you work for him..... not the other way around

Thinkingabout1t · 28/05/2020 12:51

OP, this is awful -- he owns the house but you pay for everything? He is robbing you. This really is financial abuse. You must get legal advice: you should at least be joint owner of the house.

But frankly, he doesn't respect you, he thinks he's doing you a favour looking after his own children, he lives off you and spends his money on himself -- what's in it for you or DC? You really would be better off without this parasite.

Qgardens · 28/05/2020 12:52

Plan your escape carefully. Refuse to transfer all the money for the bills and start saving hard.

B1rdbra1n · 28/05/2020 12:54

imagine how relaxed and enjoyable your life could be if you were on your own and you could focus on your business and your children without having to deal with the stresses that he brings

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/05/2020 12:55

@Moanyoldbugger - if I were you, I would just transfer half of the amount needed to cover the bills, and then tell him that he needs to cover the other half. And tell him that all his behaviour is showing you is that you would be no worse off financially without him - and is that something he wants you to be thinking!

Callimanco · 28/05/2020 12:56

I would point out that looking after the kids was not a "chance to relax", as he has found out, and when in his life plan will you be having your "chance to relax"?

We earn very different amounts and I do the bulk of childcare in our house. We don't pay everything 50:50 as he earns much more, but we do both contribute to the joint pot. He puts in a little over twice what I do.

PearPickingPorky · 28/05/2020 12:59

So you stayed home looking after the children while he paid for everything.

Now he wants you to pay for everything but he is complaining about having to do the other side of the bargain: the looking after the children.

Meanwhile, he's getting paid to do nothing, but doesn't want to share it with the family.

Not much of a team player, is he.

shootmenow2020 · 28/05/2020 12:59

I think he sounds jealous of your success! Well done on running a successful business with two small kids! That must be hard work. Have a feeling once you leave him your life will only get better and better.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 28/05/2020 12:59

Agree this is financial abuse. You need to get rid of him if this is his attitude- he is a parasite who is basically sucking you dry.

The only way this will end is if you no longer allow this to go on. None of us can do anything about this but YOU can. Let this piece of dead wood go.

maria860 · 28/05/2020 12:59

He's defo lying my brother is a builder on site and got 3,900 even my little brother who's on less got two grand sounds like he's lying to me about what he got he got more then a grand.
You will never have anything with him around think about it OP

LannieDuck · 28/05/2020 13:01

Were a SAHP for the last 3 years before you started your business? So you had a traditional model of him working + paying for everything, and you looking after the children and keeping house?

Is he saying he expects that to be reversed for the next 6 months or so? So you will pay all the bills and he will do all the childcare and housework?

I don't think that's unreasonable. You need to be added to the mortgage however.

Shoxfordian · 28/05/2020 13:01

He clearly doesn't see you and him as a team
Leave him

LivingDeadGirlUK · 28/05/2020 13:02

Hes a Cocklodger, like you say hes bring nothing to the relationship so its time to move on. Shame hes self employed as I cant see him paying his CSA happily :(

Beautiful3 · 28/05/2020 13:05

Oh no that's not good. Sorry op.

maria860 · 28/05/2020 13:08

@LannieDuck he will be back at work soon in June anyway so he won't be at home with the kids and he will be earning so why should she pay for everything literally makes no sense! Also it's HIS house so she's going to walk with sweet FA after paying into it and raising his kids he is completely unreadable

maria860 · 28/05/2020 13:09

Unreasonable rather

BlueSuffragette · 28/05/2020 13:09

He's taking the piss OP. Your relationship sounds like you get very little out of it. Build a new life for you and DC away from him.

Needamanicure · 28/05/2020 13:11

My ex SIL was like this with my brother when they were married, he paid for everything whilst she saved her earnings from her part time job.

She was selfish and a control freak. She took his pay when he got paid and gave him 'pocket money' such was the level of domestic abuse that he let her do anything she wanted.

When he finally divorced after her having numerous affairs he was offered a few thousand pounds in settlement of their home that he had paid for over 25 years. He was a broken man. That was 25 years - I say to anyone get out from anyone even a bit like that....

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SimpleKindofLife · 28/05/2020 13:13

Hang on, "his time to relax"?! What planet is he on? He's not working! And you weren't at home with the kids "relaxing", you were bringing up his dc. And if staying at home looking after the dc is apparently relaxing (?!) then why is he moaning about looking after them now if it's so easy!

He's a lazy, hypocritical, sponging, selfish waste of space. I don't see the point of him. Quite aside from being a tight arse, what is he actually contributing emotionally to the relationship?

He's not supporting you in any way. I think a very frank talk is needed.

Cornishclio · 28/05/2020 13:14

If everything is in your OHs name then you will need a good amount of savings behind you to move. Do you rent or has he got a mortgage on the house? If he does and the house is in his name tell him you are no longer paying it if you have no claim to it. Same goes for gas/electric etc etc. It sounds like your relationship is done anyway and he is taking you for granted.

snugs69 · 28/05/2020 13:16

All billls shared equal always from day one only fair otherwise findsomewhere else to live and pay all his own bills on his own ur are all worth more than this

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