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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 27/05/2020 21:33

@TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead yes, agreed! Way too intense and demanding - how is that being thoughtful?

Pukkatea · 27/05/2020 21:36

Honestly, I HATE incessant card sending types. It isn't being thoughtful, it's creating an obligation. You say it yourself, your SIL becomes rude because she doesn't reciprocate a card she never asked to receive. Why do you get to create standards she then has to live up to? It's arrogant.

DamnYankee · 27/05/2020 21:42

This whole card thing is just a load more wifework

^ This.

EverdeRose · 27/05/2020 21:47

I think she probably believes that she's given you a gift and it's your brother who hasn't put her name on the card and gift.

redcarbluecar · 27/05/2020 21:47

I love sending and receiving cards, but I know not everyone is bothered, and I'd be happy with the social media message - that's more than most of my family would do.

Pertella · 27/05/2020 21:47

Did your husband get her a card and present too? 😂

EngagedAgain · 27/05/2020 21:48

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable as such, but should let it go and maybe consider not buying her sil presents in the future, just a card. Some people like exchanging gifts and cards, but I get it cards are becoming a thing of the past. I myself have stopped most of it for birthdays and Christmas, but am happy to get other special occasion cards or thank you cards.

BlueJava · 27/05/2020 21:49

If she doesn't reciprocate why do you continue? Having said that DP sorts his side of the family out.

Original poster
jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 21:53

I’m not demanding anything from her! I don’t send her cards or presents to receive anything back otherwise I would have stopped the first time I did it I do it because she is my brothers partner, I care about her and I want to acknowledge her birthday. It just this was a special birthday so I thought I would receive at least a card I’m not fussed about presents just someone being thoughtful.

My sister in laws live half way around the world and always send me a card or presents yet I’ve only met them a couple of times. Yes I find someone sending a card more thoughtful than a social media messages I don’t think that’s OTT or expecting to much.

OP posts:
Notredamn · 27/05/2020 21:55

Whoopdi-bloody-do. You'll live.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 27/05/2020 21:57

I send cards and presents to my husbands sisters and they do same for me and they live in another country!

As PPs have said, you and your DH sending presents/cards separately from each of you is odd and I’ve never known it myself.

We are a team and cards and gifts are from both of us. I’d only send a card from only me to someone who only knows me - eg a work colleague.

DB sends me a birthday card and puts both his and his long term girlfriends names on it. That is what I consider normal.

AriadnesFilament · 27/05/2020 22:06

This is bizarre.

You’re married. But you and your husband each buy your brother a card and present for his birthday and Christmas, rather than just buying one from both of you? And you are expecting your brother and his long term girlfriend to reciprocate in kind for you? Has anyone ever actually told her that that’s what’s expected? Or is she sitting there thinking you lot are all odd?

Because, the thing is, the vast majority of people are saying that how you do gifts is weird. And if she’s like the seeming vast majority who, once a relationship is well-established, do joint presents and cards, well, she’s going to be thinking you lot are the weird ones frankly. I can imagine the opposite MN post now in fact. And the responses.

slashlover · 27/05/2020 22:06

So for everyone saying it’s unreasonable... If someone brought you a present or card you wouldn’t do the same for them?

I find that rude!

I'm single, my sister is engaged. I buy for my sister and her fiance separately, they buy for me jointly. (Although they do spend more so it's balanced)

AnnaMagnani · 27/05/2020 22:08

If it was really thoughtful, it ould just be a gift with no strings attached.

But your gift isn't, you want to enrol her into some enforced lifelong card and gift giving scenario whether she wants to or not. That isn't thoughtful.

Plus I hate all those 'thoughtful' gifts anyway. I have all the mugs, chocolates, tea towels, smellies, cat related novelty items I need. Mine all get regifted at the hospice shop sorry, not sorry

AhComeOnNow · 27/05/2020 22:08

So did your husband buy her a present and send a separate card last birthday, if you all do separate presents/cards???

OtterBe4 · 27/05/2020 22:11

Poor woman will be wondering how the hell she ended up in this crazy gift buying family!
What a waste of money and endless buying of stuff!

Panpastels · 27/05/2020 22:13

My BIL's wife (I doubt it's him) sends everyone in our house cards for all our birthdays. We never send any and yet still she keeps sending them Grin

nestisflown · 27/05/2020 22:19

So did she wish you happy birthday in message/ text form? Surely that's enough? Your brother is super rude though for not signing the card from both of them. Christmas must be very stressful for all of you.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/05/2020 22:20

You literally are demanding a card from her because you're having a hissy fit that she didn't send you one. Get over it.

rottiemum88 · 27/05/2020 22:23

I’m not going to treat her any differently but I won’t be going out of my way to buy her something nice again.

I presume the irony of the above statement was deliberate Confused

Dyrne · 27/05/2020 22:24

So you’re saying you always give gifts separately? One from mum to you, one from mum to your DH, one from dad to you, one from dad to DH... this is absolutely batshit behaviour.

And yes, your sending of cards and gifts is not thoughtful as it’s being done effectively so you can bitch about not receiving anything in return.

unlikelytobe · 27/05/2020 22:24

You're setting too much store by the meaning of card giving. It means a lot to you and validates you in some way and it means sod all to others in your family. Get over it.

I actually find people who want to make a big thing out of forcing unwanted cards and gifts on me very trying.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2020 22:25

That’s very odd behaviour from your family op and I can’t believe for one moment you don’t know that.

Your brother sends a card and present but doesn’t say it’s from his long term partner? And you each buy each other presents and don’t buy jointly with your partner And don’t include your partners name on the card?

How odd. How very odd indeed.

Chewbecca · 27/05/2020 22:25

I would consider the gift from your brother to be from both him and his GF. It’s normal to give gifts as a couple. She has probably got regular expectations. She probably thinks her BF’s gift is from her too.

Mothership4two · 27/05/2020 22:26

I buy mothers day and fathers day cards for my dh and he writes them out and sends them. I found out last year that he hadn't ever written my name in on my behalf - I just assumed he would do that (he did this year!). We have been married for 21 years. Maybe OP your sil is assuming the same and just doesn't realise he doesn't do that.

Sending a card from each person in a couple is very unusual.I have never come across it before