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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘SIL’ didn’t get me a birthday card?

344 replies

jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 18:45

I say SIL but it’s my brothers long term girlfriend.

I always buy her Christmas / birthday presents and cards but she never does back and all I ever get is a thanks over social media or a happy birthday over social media. This year was a special birthday for me and again she didn’t even get me so much as card and it’s really upset me. I’m not interested in gifts neither do I expect them but as I’ve done for her it would have been nice to have received even just a birthday card.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Original poster
jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 21:12

So for everyone saying it’s unreasonable... If someone brought you a present or card you wouldn’t do the same for them?

I find that rude!

It’s not me being petty or ott it’s just the thought that counts to me. I’m not going to treat her any differently but I won’t be going out of my way to buy her something nice again.

OP posts:
notsureofname · 27/05/2020 21:13

I just can't believe this - 2 cards/present per couple !! No way.

CodenameVillanelle · 27/05/2020 21:14

In the situation you describe - no I wouldn't. I'd probably check with my partner that he was getting you something nice and I'd definitely intent to write in the card but that's it

TwistyHair · 27/05/2020 21:15

The cat!! Your family are clearly very keen on presents. Presents/cards are all one present from each couple to whoever. Not everyone giving everyone individual presents. That’s just too much to think about/spend/arrange/receive.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/05/2020 21:16

Maybe she doesn't want to get into a cycle of exchanging stuff that nobody wants?

It's equally rude to make people feel obliged to do this, you might think it's a thoughtful gift, but she might hate it and see it as something to clutter her house up and to have to pretend to be grateful for, when she'd rather not bother.

DappledThings · 27/05/2020 21:19

@jennywithaj

**Do you and your husband buy his sister's separate presents?? Like, one from you and one from him? That's bonkers 😂

Yes we do and he does the same for my family. My brother buys for him and he buys for my brother I honestly just thought that was normal. My family and his and clearly just aliens 🙃

That is really weird. I've never known anyone do that.
pinkglove75318 · 27/05/2020 21:19

Your families traditions are very odd IMO. Your poor sil is probably very confused. In her shoes I would have assumed my boyfriend would put my name on the gift tag too !

Popcat120 · 27/05/2020 21:19

I thought it would be normal for her name to be in the card from your brother?

I didn't get a card or a text acknowledgement on my 30th from my partners brother and girlfriend.
Was a bit hurt by that.

NoHardSell · 27/05/2020 21:20

There is no way I would encourage that level of insanity by reciprocating, no. That poor woman. What a bonkers tradition.

walkingchuckydoll · 27/05/2020 21:20

It’s normal in my family and my husbands. I am close to my brothers girlfriend. To me it’s just common courtesy so not even buying a card to acknowledge someone’s birthday I find rude.

It's not the done thing so she isn't being rude or wrong. Stop making it so. Did it ever occur to you that it's actually rude to expect a card or a present? Because that rule is in most etiquette books...

Theplotisgoneawayforever · 27/05/2020 21:21

Does your mom and dad give you separate cards?

Itsallgonewoowoo · 27/05/2020 21:21

This would do my head in!
OP I get that this is your normal but do you get that it's not normal for the majority of people? So your 'SIL' is not being rude, nor was her upbringing wrong, which is what you seem to be getting at, it's just different. If you can't gift without getting upset at not getting one back, then don't. If you can and you give because YOU want to, then carry on.
And as a side thought, some people don't actually enjoy being given a lot of gifts, me being one, so actually you might be causing her some upset by your double gifting.

Original poster
jennywithaj · 27/05/2020 21:22

@BarbaraofSeville But I have never made her feel obligated to buy me anything I would never do that. She’s never done any Christmas or Birthday but this was my 30th so I at least thought she might send a card it had never bothered me until this birthday.

@TwistyHair My aunt is an eccentric cat lady 😂 everyone gets a card from the cat.

OP posts:
NoHardSell · 27/05/2020 21:24

Why on earth did you keep buying her presents when she plainly didn't want them (by not reciprocating)

Christmas must be full on at your house! Double presents for everyone. One from mum to everyone, one from dad to everyone, one from you to everyone, one from your partner for everyone ... on and on til we get to the cat

BarbaraofSeville · 27/05/2020 21:27

But if you buy for her, she is very likely to feel obliged to buy for you. That's human nature and politeness that's very hard to overcome.

Maybe she quite rightly takes the view that her partner's family is for him to sort out and she buys for her family. She knows he buys you s gift so it's reasonable that it's from both of them.

earthyfire · 27/05/2020 21:28

I've been with my husband for 21 years and must have received 2 cards from my SIL's in that time. When it is their birthday's I always buy the card for my husband to write.

ThisIsGonnaHurt · 27/05/2020 21:28

You are being really petty and OTT. For birthdays DH and I would give SIL a present and card from both of us. The kids may give a separate card. We wouldn't buy her a present from each of us. That is just weird. I would have expected your brother to give a card from him and his GF though.

We are quite big card/gift givers in our family but this is really strange. I have never heard of anyone doing this at all. I would expect your brother to buy for you and your DH on birthdays and you/DH to buy him a gift. Your DH buying him a separate present just seems so strange.

Inkpaperstars · 27/05/2020 21:29

She probably thought that your brother had put her name on the card or present. Especially right now when it isnt easy to go out to get a card or present or post anything. I wouldnt want someone to make a trip out right now just to get me a card or present.

lurkingattheback · 27/05/2020 21:31

Surely you give a card or present because you choose too, not to guarantee you get something return??

Oakmaiden · 27/05/2020 21:31

So here is the thing - are you saying on her birthday you bought her a card and a gift AND your husband bought her a separate card and gift?

Because that is insane.

m0therofdragons · 27/05/2020 21:32

This is hilarious. I love bil but the gift we send is from Dh and I jointly. Sending individual gifts is really odd to me. Your brother should sign the card from them both but you need to chill out a lot!

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 27/05/2020 21:32

To me that isn’t thoughtful

It’s intense and demanding

I hate that kind of pressure

Horseshoe5 · 27/05/2020 21:32

Maybe your sil is going to get you a separate pressie hence why your brother didn't put her name on his. Happy Birthday anyway though.

LightenUpSummer · 27/05/2020 21:32

This whole card thing is just a load more wifework.

My xmil (we're on good terms) texts me to remind me to send a card for her partner (so not even my xfil) 's granddaughter and grandson's birthdays. Who I see about once every 5 years and probably will never see again due to being divorced.

Insanity.

CuppaZa · 27/05/2020 21:33

Back off OP.