Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you'd feel embarrassed by this?

183 replies

TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 00:21

If you were in a public place - and asked a person - eg work colleague /person in social group going out etc a personal question then they told you it was none of your business, would you feel a tad embarrassed/uncomfortable?

OP posts:
bobbythejobby · 27/05/2020 09:40

@OkMaybeNot - I would have thought it would be natural to ask what the backstory was. Why did they say it had an interesting backstory and then not expect you to want to know what it was. Maybe I'm missing the point but I would have asked the same thing you did.

Having said that, I (and my dad) have a habit of sometimes saying the very first thing that comes to mind without thinking about the implications of what we're saying. My dad is particularly bad at this - he once, inadvertently, basically insinuated that his cousin was a dog. I could definitely see my dad asking a possibly inappropriate/overstepping question without first thinking it through in his head. If I asked someone something and they told me it was none of my business I might feel embarrassed for about half a second and then forget about it but the older I've gotten the more I've come not to worry about things so much - if however I'd been a teenager/in my early 20s I'd have been mortified yes.

TheStuffedPenguin · 27/05/2020 09:52

Thanks for all your comments on this though!! - what I'm getting from your responses is that it's understandably context dependent!!

and it took a thread to make you realise this ? Hmm

walkingchuckydoll · 27/05/2020 09:53

Never ask anything about politics, religion, sex, sexual oriantation, anything even remotely related to fertility.

allfacepalmedout · 27/05/2020 09:57

Asking a work colleague whether they are pregnant, for instance, would be an inappropriate question. Especially if they have recently put on weight round their middle and are self-conscious about it, or if they are indeed pregnant and haven't told their employer.

Any question of a probing or overly personal nature might get me to respond in that way.

If I had inadvertently asked the wrong question and had that reply, then yes, I'd be embarrassed by it, and would hopefully learn from the experience.

StatementKnickers · 27/05/2020 10:01

Voted YABU because this question is too vague.

MintyMabel · 27/05/2020 10:05

Is there a reason it’s ridiculously vague?

Vanhi · 27/05/2020 10:09

I would be embarrassed in that scenario...presuming it was an innocent question like ‘do you think you’ll have more children’, which yes is personal but which I think you have to be pretty precious about to take offence over...all things being equal. I’d likely reply, “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to pry”, while making a mental note not to bother with them in future.

But the answer to that could be 'I want to, my husband doesn't. I think we might divorce over this'. Or 'I want to but have secondary infertility' or 'I think my husband is having an affair' or 'I tried but miscarried last month'. It's pretty obvious, one would hope, that questions about fertility and family are off the table. If the other person brings them up then fine, but don't start on it.

FeelingTheBurn · 27/05/2020 10:10

Maybe.
Depends on the question.
IE: "Where did you grow up?" MYOB would be a rude response.
"Do all your children have the same father", maybe not.

FeelingTheBurn · 27/05/2020 10:13

@OkMaybeNot

Yes, very embarrassed.

A long time ago I was invited to someone's house for dinner. They showed me a painting they had on the wall of a butterfly on a sombre background, and said it was painted by an artist they knew and that it had quite a backstory. I asked what it was and they told me, very very bluntly, "that's personal and absolutely none of your business"

I was mortified and it still haunts me.

Well, that's rude (the person whose house it was, not you!) why mention it at all, in that case? You shouldn't be embarrassed, they should.
81Byerley · 27/05/2020 10:14

After my marriage broke up and I was chatting to my ex husband about our new circumstances, I told him how much my new house cost and just casually asked "Are houses in Wales cheaper than here? How much was yours?". I'd always been a very open person, had been married to him for 22 years and was used to sharing everything with him. I still, feel the embarrassment I felt, 28 years later, when he replied "That's none of your business."

Chamomileteaplease · 27/05/2020 10:15

Surely it's not just about the question which preceded the "none of your business" response but more about the tone in which the "none of your business" was said.

A harsh tone would make you feel much worse than a light, laughing tone I would think.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2020 10:18

Context dependent... and the context of the example you gave OP, was that a bitch was trying to bully you and you slapped her down :)

So GOOD context and well done!

anotheronebitesthecrust · 27/05/2020 10:22

A long time ago I was invited to someone's house for dinner. They showed me a painting they had on the wall of a butterfly on a sombre background, and said it was painted by an artist they knew and that it had quite a backstory. I asked what it was and they told me, very very bluntly, "that's personal and absolutely none of your business"

I was mortified and it still haunts me.

If someone set me up like this and then said that, I’d think they were incredibly pretentious

Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 10:26

Thanks FizzyGreenWater for your supportive comment - I'm proud of that little exchange and I also use it as a prototype example of how to deal with difficult people successfully - i.e. without them being able to take leverage or other people in the office thinking of you badly.

OP posts:
anotheronebitesthecrust · 27/05/2020 10:32

I think unless the question is very rude, loaded with bad intent, or terribly insensitive, something along the lines of “I’d prefer not to talk about it” would suffice

mrsmuddlepies · 27/05/2020 10:35

I cannot believe how crass some people are. I have been asked by so many people (all women) if I am disappointed in my grandchild's sex.
It is rude, and implies that I am less than thrilled with my wonderful grandchild.
Why do you ask? This is a great response . I will use it!

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 27/05/2020 10:44

I am pretty open about just about everything but there is one thing I did want to keep to myself. If asked there is no way I would say that's none of your business. That is incredibly rude. But I would say I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about it. The person would then become so apologetic for asking and I'd reassure them that it was completely fine that they had asked but I couldn't discuss it.

I think a few good manners go a long way Wink

MulticolourMophead · 27/05/2020 11:00

A long time ago I was invited to someone's house for dinner. They showed me a painting they had on the wall of a butterfly on a sombre background, and said it was painted by an artist they knew and that it had quite a backstory. I asked what it was and they told me, very very bluntly, "that's personal and absolutely none of your business"

Don't be mortified. If they didn't want to tell people, they shouldn't have mentioned the backstory in the first place, that's practically inviting further questions.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2020 11:11

A long time ago I was invited to someone's house for dinner. They showed me a painting they had on the wall of a butterfly on a sombre background, and said it was painted by an artist they knew and that it had quite a backstory. I asked what it was and they told me, very very bluntly, "that's personal and absolutely none of your business"

Context: TOTAL AND UTTER DICKHEADS

Grin
Friendsofmine · 27/05/2020 11:14

I think anyone who cares about making a colleague feel uncomfortable would feel something in response surely.

Lweji · 27/05/2020 11:21

that it had quite a backstory.

The trick is not to be interested. If you had said something like "oh, really?" and then moved on, they'd be telling you the story before you moved on to the next painting. Wink

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 27/05/2020 11:25

I’ve learned to keep my professional and my personal life separate. The people I work with are colleagues and altho I like to think I’m helpful and approachable I’m careful what I say, always. When I’m with friends I can relax but I would only ask personal questions of close friends.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/05/2020 11:35

Pointless really without context of exactly what was asked.

If it was something fairly tame and generally workplace appropriate and someone said '"that's none of your business" I'd think they were rude and lacked social skills. :I'd prefer not to discuss/answer that" is more than adequate.

Bouledeneige · 27/05/2020 12:05

Without context it's quite a meaningless question. I am personally a very open book and am happy to engage in such conversation. Often that's how you get to know people in a personal level beyond the weather, the news, what your wearing or drinking or your journey to work.

If I did think someone was being intrusive I think I would deflect rather than say 'that's none of your business'. They would have had to have been very rude for me to respond in that way as it sounds rude itself. It says loud and clearly that you don't want a friendship with that person and for them to fuck off.

Pelleas · 27/05/2020 12:17

I asked what it was and they told me, very very bluntly, "that's personal and absolutely none of your business"

Why on earth mention that the picture had a backstory? Just say 'it's by a local artist' or, if they absolutely had to mention the backstory "it's got a backstory but we don't talk about it". Utter dickheads.