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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you'd feel embarrassed by this?

183 replies

TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 00:21

If you were in a public place - and asked a person - eg work colleague /person in social group going out etc a personal question then they told you it was none of your business, would you feel a tad embarrassed/uncomfortable?

OP posts:
1300cakes · 27/05/2020 05:46

I'd be really embarrassed but I'd also think they were being rude, unless I'd asked something extremely out there (which I never would). Of course no one should answer a question if they don't want to, but polite alternatives include "why do you ask", "I'd rather not say", "that's a bit personal isn't it" or (jokingly) "wouldn't you like to know!".

Shoxfordian · 27/05/2020 05:48

Yabu to not tell us what the question was, can't make a decision without knowing

Tombero · 27/05/2020 06:22

I once asked a work colleague if she was doing anything nice at the weekend and got told it was none of my business.

I always thought it said a lot more about her than it did me.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/05/2020 06:28

I'd be embarrassed in that situation. Obviously whether or not a person deserves that response depends on what question they asked.

pictish · 27/05/2020 06:41

Don’t know. Need details. Obviously.

rwalker · 27/05/2020 06:42

Threads a non starter as you won't tell us what the question was.

pictish · 27/05/2020 06:45

I would be embarrassed in that scenario...presuming it was an innocent question like ‘do you think you’ll have more children’, which yes is personal but which I think you have to be pretty precious about to take offence over...all things being equal. I’d likely reply, “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to pry”, while making a mental note not to bother with them in future.

So it depends.

pictish · 27/05/2020 06:47

Tombero - I agree. Her issue. Bodyswerve.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/05/2020 06:47

Why do people need details when the question was about feeling embarrassed at the response rather than what led up to it?

ShirleyB25 · 27/05/2020 06:51

@TastyCheese and @SnuggyBuggy I need to know what the offensive question was - so that I don't ask it!

I have been inadvertently tactless in the past ,,,

pictish · 27/05/2020 06:52

Because the specific question relates to whether or not you ought to feel embarrassed. Come on...it’s not complicated. Details are required.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/05/2020 06:52

But one person's tactless question is another person's normal conversation. There is no universal list.

LivingThatLockdownLife · 27/05/2020 06:59

To get that response from someone it's not really about the question. It's the recipient. Either they dislike talking about personal things at work in general, or they dislike the OP based on her past history of asking questions they don't like.

It would be quite odd in most interactions to get such a rude response straight away.

footprintsintheslow · 27/05/2020 07:06

I might be misunderstanding this but are you wanting advice on how to handle a situation that you anticipate might happen in the future with a colleague?

For all situations where you don't want to divulge information or have that conversation why not say something like: " sorry but I don't think I want to have this conversation" or "I'm not going to talk about that right now". Smile and move on. Be light and airy but direct. Move the conversation on to a different place to be in control and ease the other person's uncomfortableness.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 27/05/2020 07:17

Depends.

eg. work colleague asking "excuse me- your top is lovely, where did you get it?" = mind your own business seems rude and churlish.

Asking "hey, how much do you have in your bank account?"= mind your own business is entirely appropriate.

The asker should feel embarassed in the second one, the responder in the first.

Beautiful3 · 27/05/2020 07:18

I think that if soneone crossed a line by asking a personal question e.g. what's your pay? How many partners have you had? Then saying, " that's none of your business! "Followed by a smile is fine.

Pelleas · 27/05/2020 07:20

Yes, I would be mortified because it would mean I'd misjudged a situation - either that what I thought was innocuous chat wasn't; or that I wasn't on as close terms with the person I'd asked as I'd thought.

I'm one of those people who has to rehearse even quite harmless conversations, and then replay them in my head afterwards to reassure myself I haven't said the wrong thing, so a MYOB would be like a punch in the gut. I'd probably try to laugh it off, while dying inside and working out how I could best avoid that person for the rest of my life.

If I'm asked an awkward question myself, I'll reply evasively or lie and try to change the subject.

Mrsfrumble · 27/05/2020 07:37

Agree that it would depend on the question, and how much you cared about what the person you were talking to thought of you.

Last year I was hanging around drinking coffee after an event at school. Y6 secondary offers had just come in and seemed to be the topic of conversation. I was chatting to a parent of a child in Y6 who I barely knew, and it seemed polite to ask where her daughter was going. She took offence and told me it was not my business and she “was sick if people asking”. It was a little awkward but I wasn’t embarrassed because a) it seemed a reasonable question to ask, b) she was obviously upset about it for reasons that had nothing to do with me, and c) I didn’t actually care where her daughter was going anyway or have any interest in further social interaction with the woman anyway.

I’m usually the sort of person who replays conversations in my head and cringes, but I even I realise that sometimes the other person is the problem! So yeah, depends.

YeahWhatevver · 27/05/2020 07:40

Did you have a nice weekend? - perfectly reasonable no need to be embarrassed

Did you manage to get your thrush infection under control? - overstepping the mark and none of your business

All relative

Neolara · 27/05/2020 07:46

Many years ago, I asked someone if they had kids. They were Swiss ( I think) and they told me that in their country it was a very rude question to ask because I was basically asking how old she was, which was a complete no-no. I was quite taken aback. I had thought I was being polite by showing interest. But I guess different people have different ideas about all sorts of stuff.

23trains · 27/05/2020 07:59

@YeahWhatevver

Did you have a nice weekend? - perfectly reasonable no need to be embarrassed

Did you manage to get your thrush infection under control? - overstepping the mark and none of your business

All relative

But if they’ve already given you the intimate details of their thrush infection then asking if they’ve got it under control is perfectly friendly... I often ask my friend how her funny fanny is 😂
ScarletFever · 27/05/2020 08:01

@Disquieted1

Either tell us what the question was or don't waste people's time.
I bloody hate these guessing games.

This, maybe we could get a mn update, with a level of information on the thread shown in the title, a kind of vagueness indicator.
Like the someone stole my baby name type thread... does it contain the actual name...?

PegasusReturns · 27/05/2020 08:05

As other posters have said it depends on the question.

If you ask someone why there’s a large age gap between their children and are told NOYB then you should be embarrassed.

If you ask someone how long they’ve been employed at the company you also work at and are told NOYB then they are a weirdo, should probably be best avoided and there is no reason to be embarrassed.

museumum · 27/05/2020 08:07

I would be very embarrassed. Even if not logical to be.
I’m not naturally a nosey person so it’s 99% likely I was just trying to be friendly and didn’t actually care about the answer. Eg “you doing anything nice at the weekend?” So “none of your business” would be a clear “do not talk to me, I have no interest in being polite to you” as i don’t chat to just anyone it would be a real rebuff.

Caelano · 27/05/2020 08:10

Pointless thread if you won’t actually say what the question is- it’s obviously fundamental to whether YABU or not

And btw the other person you mentioned is correct - it’s none of your business whether they voted in an election or not