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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you'd feel embarrassed by this?

183 replies

TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 00:21

If you were in a public place - and asked a person - eg work colleague /person in social group going out etc a personal question then they told you it was none of your business, would you feel a tad embarrassed/uncomfortable?

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Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 08:46

Hello - just to clarify - this thread wasn't started in relation to my reaction to one particular question - what inspired me to start this thread were several situations of this kind that I've encountered and people's thoughts in general on the subject - but yes i can see it's question dependent - how personal etc.

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Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 08:49

Again it doesn't relate to a particular question - just these scenarios in general but one such example - I used to be a bit shy where I worked and one of the women started asking me silly questions just to goad /taunt me - it culminated in why had I moved to a particular place for a job but she clearly asked it in the tone of trying to goad/taunt if you see what I mean. So I said it's nobody's business and she scowled, but she shut up and didn't bother me again.
Just to say I became more confident and after a month or so of not talking to each other we genuinely got on as equals.

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SummerHouse · 27/05/2020 08:50

Did someone as Dominic Cummings if he enjoyed his trip?

Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 08:50

Thanks for all your comments on this though!! - what I'm getting from your responses is that it's understandably context dependent!!

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LemonTT · 27/05/2020 08:51

I would say on based on this thread that you are a difficult person to communicate with. It’s very likely you came off as being difficult and awkward.

SummerHouse · 27/05/2020 08:53

To be honest - to the people who asked what did I ask - it wasn't me who asked it was someone else!

Ok what did this person ask?

Saracen · 27/05/2020 08:58

Yes. If I felt I had been wrong to ask them then i would be embarrassed to have made such a mistake. If I felt they were out of line I would have been embarrassed on their behalf.

Rainbowshine · 27/05/2020 09:01

As others have said it might be worth having a few phrases that you can use to deflect unwanted questions like “oh I prefer to keep things like that private. Goodness isn’t it sunny/windy/busy today anyway I must get on” and signal the end of the conversation. It doesn’t need to be difficult.

Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:04

SummerHouse Grin

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MrsExpo · 27/05/2020 09:05

I think, also, it depends on how the "none of your business" response was put across. If in a huffy, offended sort of way, then I would feel embarrassed, as I'd hate to think I'd upset someone by asking what I thought was a reasonable/innocuous question. But if it was said with a smile, then probably not.

People have different boundaries and it's not always easy to judge where they are.

Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:05

Thanks Rainbowshine - I agree I do have problems with boundaries - narc mother and all that jazz

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Fucktacula · 27/05/2020 09:06

Threads like this annoy me.

FlamedToACrisp · 27/05/2020 09:06

The thing is, there are polite/non-aggressive ways to shut people up, unless they are VERY crass. And any question, however innocuous, outside direct work interaction, could be seen as overstepping. It IS none of your business (and you're probably not that interested in knowing the answer) whether a work colleague has cheese or ham in their sandwiches, if they had a nice weekend, or where they bought that jumper. But these 'harmless' questions gradually pave the way to friendship, and the NOYB response hurts and embarrasses because it says, "I don't want to be your friend." Someone who liked you would make a joke of their refusal to answer, like "Ha ha I can't tell you or I'd have to kill you," or would be sorry or embarrassed to be refusing to answer, "Sorry, it's a bit of a difficult question, do you mind if I don't say?"

Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:07

SummerHouse - just goady questions about why I 'd moved cities but she did it in an obviously goady way

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Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:08

Thanks FlamedToACrisp - you are right in what you say

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Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:09

SummerHouse - my grin response related to your Dominic Cummings comment

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Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:11

Sorry commenters but there honestly is no one question !! - it's honestly a thread started because I wanted feedback about this general type of scenario!!!!

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OkMaybeNot · 27/05/2020 09:14

Yes, very embarrassed.

A long time ago I was invited to someone's house for dinner. They showed me a painting they had on the wall of a butterfly on a sombre background, and said it was painted by an artist they knew and that it had quite a backstory. I asked what it was and they told me, very very bluntly, "that's personal and absolutely none of your business"

I was mortified and it still haunts me.

Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:19

OkMaybeNot - I think their reaction was harsh in the circumstances. To be fair to you - it sounds like one of those scenarios where it was perceived as rude NOT to ask about backstory seeing as you'd been invited to dinner!

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Iwalkinmyclothing · 27/05/2020 09:23

Probably. Depends though. If it was a question I genuinely thought it was fine to ask- and why would I be asking a question I didn't think it was fine to ask- I'd still feel a bit embarrassed by the reaction, but would also be judging the respondee.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2020 09:32

Rather than tell someone it's none of their business, I usually use "Why do you ask?". It seems they never expect that response, and most just bluster! Very few have the balls to press on. I'll then follow up with "that's a very personal question" or some such phrase. My purpose is to shift the focus from me (not answering) to them (being nosey).

kingkuta · 27/05/2020 09:32

I think to say to someone 'its none of your business' is aggressive and rude. There are so many different ways you can deflect instead of saying that to people. I've honestly never been spoken to like that so would either be embarrassed if I had asked such a rude or inappropriate question to get that response ( I think likely only to happen if I was really pissed) or angry that someone had spoken to me in such a way. The person with the backstory to the picture for instance was just a complete twat. To tell someone there was a backstory, invite the question of what it was then reply in such a rude manner was disgraceful. I wouldnt have stayed for dinner or given them a second more of my time.

Original poster
TastyCheese · 27/05/2020 09:33

That's a very good observation WhereYouLeftIt

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WhereYouLeftIt · 27/05/2020 09:34

Wow, @OkMaybeNot! They totally set you up. Why mention a backstory if you're going to then get arsey about it? They positively invited you to ask! Mortifying / embarrassing you was their intention.

That would very much colour my view of that person (as in, they're a total dick).

Spillinteas · 27/05/2020 09:36

OkMaybeNot don’t be haunted by that. They led you to ask that question by mentioning in relation to the painting. It was complete normal to ask what the inspiration was behind the art they were talking about.