asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

[Turnipsandpotatoes]

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

I'd be telling my DH that we either move out together or you will go separately....

It might be your SDs inheritance (this is seriously entitled regardless) but it is your DH's house, always was (as in, it wasn't jointly bought by both parents). It is totally up to him what he does with it.

OP, how sad that your 2 daughters do not have a home to call their own :(

I can understand a will being set up in in such a way that your girls don’t inherit the house given it has been passed down from his aunt.

However, it should be an asset that he rents out and you and he enjoy the benefits now while it is in his ownership. You need to build joint assets.

You say you had a mortgage since you were 18 - what happened to your assets?

Because her children haven't got access to the resources they need.

I see this, but I don't understand how he can act like that, and more importantly why OP is with him and being understanding of his behaviour? Is he even half sensible? Why would you consider such radical measures without speaking to him first? Surely if he doesn't get it, it's not just OP and her kids moving out, it's a divorce and them moving out? How could this mean anything else?

It’s a tricky one, of course being an adult and living elsewhere doesn’t mean you don’t want to go ‘home’ ever. I used to love going ‘home’ to stay with my mu and dad when i was into my 30s with kids of my own, i live close enough to visit in the day but when i was living that relentless baby/toddler life my mum used to like to spoil me (not a popular view in mn i know haha)

However circs here are different, and although it may be her childhood home it’s not her inheritance until her dad dies, i agree with the pp who said it is crass of her to even mention it. When you first got married would have been the time for a fresh start in a home that was your family home imo - he is lucky to own a property outright and he should have been renting it out all these years and building a life with you, because you are his family now, you and your girls and his girls are the family, and he should really have thought about making provision for everyone’s needs, both in terms of the respective dcs’ needs for space and your need to feel like the queen in your own castle with an equal stake and an equal say in things.

I’d lay all this out for him, because while his dd is protecting her memories of her childhood home, your own dds are spending their actual childhoods in a home they do not have an equal stake in, where they are made to feel like interlopers who don’t belong. That’s just not fair on them or you. I think you have to give him the ultimatum about looking for somewhere else. I feel for you, but don’t you want your dds to have what his have, ie a parental home that they truly belong in and are always welcome to come back to no matter how old they are, whatever happens in their lives?

I've got to say as someone who grew up in a 'blended' family I am prone to see things from your DSD point of view. No matter how good things are (and you sound genuinely lovely) there is a sense of not quite being the 'same' when you do not live with the other parent and they have other children. It can induce a sense of proprietorship. I agree she perhaps shoukd volunteer the room, but I do not think she is obligated to or should be made to feel so.

It's her family home. Plus you say she is ill?

If at all possible I suggest finding another way round it. And I also have to say that I think it would be quite wrong to put pressure on and expect your DH to make his daughter give up her room, in her family home.

It's not that unusual. Lots of people are given advice on here to protect their children when going into a second or subsequent marriage.

Yes, but assets acquired, created and owned during the marriage also form part of the estate. I can understand the house might be slightly different because of the circumstances, but there has to be more within the estate after 7 years and there's no reason for OP not to be entitled to her share.

Your options are:
Make dh see the sense that is obvious to any rational person, your dd gets the room with space for sd to stay when she wants to.
You all rent a 3 bed together. Sounds like his dd will have run of an empty house in that case. Bonkers idea. Also who is paying the rent when you have no mortgage currently.
You and dds move out to a 3 or 2 bed rental. Breaking your otherwise good marriage and leaving dh alone with his occasional visitor..
Its a no brainer.

You need to stop worrying about being a bad step mother and start worrying about being a good mother. In this case it means ditching all your hesitations about putting your foot down and fighting for what they need and deserve.

You’re talking about a grown woman who’s lucky enough to be housed for free by one of her parents already. She’s not your responsibility.

I did not decide to do her room up, that was dh decision
He is far too soft, she pays rent to her mum,he doesnt agree,she gets full pip and ela or whatever it's called,yet goes on daily 10 mile walks and the gym(dont even get me started on that), always asking daddy for money.. I think because he split the family up years ago due to being unhappy,he was then single for a while and met me he feels guilty. Guilty for the split,guilty that their mum married and moved them from the house they grew up and adored. And I think she plays on it. She always loves the line well dad the children must come 1st,but actually what she means is,,she must come 1st.
Children's needs always do come 1st,but not necessarily what they want is how I feel

It's her family home.

Bullshit. She lives at her mum’s full time.

Yes, but assets acquired, created and owned during the marriage also form part of the estate. I can understand the house might be slightly different because of the circumstances, but there has to be more within the estate after 7 years and there's no reason for OP not to be entitled to her share.

She hasn't mentioned the rest of his estate, just that she signed a document to say she has no right to the property. She also, rightly, doesn't pay any of the bills or repairs.

How far away is DSD's main home (presumably with her mum)?
And are you able to say in what way she has ill health?

She hasn't mentioned the rest of his estate

This is why I asked about it in one of my previous posts.

45 min drive away
She has something called fibro,I think she said,its to do with the muscles,causes pain etc

I did not decide to do her room up, that was dh decision
He is far too soft, she pays rent to her mum,he doesnt agree,she gets full pip and ela or whatever it's called,yet goes on daily 10 mile walks and the gym(dont even get me started on that), always asking daddy for money.. I think because he split the family up years ago due to being unhappy,he was then single for a while and met me he feels guilty. Guilty for the split,guilty that their mum married and moved them from the house they grew up and adored. And I think she plays on it. She always loves the line well dad the children must come 1st,but actually what she means is,,she must come 1st.
Children's needs always do come 1st,but not necessarily what they want is how I feel

Be careful OP, don't get into the position of casting doubt on her health issues. That will just take away from your point completely. The big issue is that your DH lets her dictate to him

Your DD's need their own space. Your DH has the choice of letting them have that in the home you are in now, or you need to move elsewhere to get that and he needs to decide if he's coming with you

You also need to have a good think about your position if your DH dies before you. How will finances work in terms of repairs and general maintenance on the house? There's not a chance your DSD will be maintaining a house that you live in.

Also your DH needs to realise the house will likely end up being sold when he leaves it to his girls. Unless they want to live together forever. Your DSD, being on disability benefits, will not be able to claim housing benefits when she owns another house. That will be another factor if your DH pre-deceases you.

What happened to your mortgage op?

And if you have one and rent out I hope he signed a document stating no interest in yours too....

Can you not just give the room to your DD, then when stepdaughter is costing your girls can just bunk up together for 1 night?

Everybody wins, your DD's get their own space 99% of the time, and the odd occasion DSD visits she doesn't feel pushed out as she still gets to sleep in a room by herself.

I don't understand this step kid issue. I don't know anyone (who isn't a step child) who has a bedroom at their parents as an adult who lives somewhere else. So why do step kids need one?

Firstly it's not her inheritance, it's your home and owned by her dad, who is very much alive. It only becomes inheritance when someone dies and a lot can happen before then.

If he needs care and lived alone - almost all of money in it would be used to fund his residential home, less likely to happen if you live there, he'll go into carehome later & Whilst you live there as spouse/partner, it can be disregarded for residential charges even without you having a financial share in it.

Why don't you have a share in it?
your DC are provided for (if their dad doesn't need residential care before he dies) but what about you? You've been contributing by paying some bills , holidays and food to help your DH keep his lifestyle and house running at cheaper cost to him, even if
You don't pay directly for repairs.

You're married now and you've put yourself last to all the DC, two are grown adults now, but all 4 have another parent to house them and leave inheritance to them . You don't. You know if you died - DH would benefit from your pension savings. So he gets something. Would your DSD charge you rent for living there after he died? It may be time soon to revisit that & rip up old "waiver" if it's no longer fair. Why can't he leave 50% to you and 50% to his DC? Much fairer and what most long second marriages do.

But all that's moot- as no matter who inherits what, this is now and DSD doesn't get a say in keeping a bedroom for herself as an adult when she lives elsewhere. She's not on the house deed to decide, he's giving her too much power over how you live.

Your DH is being blinkered and doesn't understand his DDs are grown women now
who have chosen where they live. You don't get shared contact arrangements with adult children! He doesn't need to keep an empty room.

Your DCs depend on you both and he's putting them last and causing disharmony in your family life, at a time he needs to parent up and put the teenage children first.

Visiting, not costing FFS!

I sold my home when I split with my children's father so I have no morgage now,I put most the money into my kids accounts because I didnt know if I was going to be alive for their whole childhoods,but I do have my own little nest egg

No she definitely needs to give up her room. I could understand if she lives at the other end of the country, and couldn't see her dad without somewhere to stay. But 45 mins! It takes me longer to get to work most days.

Get a sofa bed for the front room and She can stay there when she comes over?
She’s being selfish.
Presumably she has a room where she lives so she has two rooms?
She’s being greedy.