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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 26/05/2020 22:41

The house needs to be sold

It's lovely that the aunt left it to him but your can be chained down by a wish it stays in the family

It doesn't work for your family end of....

StoneofDestiny · 26/05/2020 22:41

Wow - sounds like you and your kids are living as a tenant with no rights at all.

The way he is allowing this daughter to dictate what goes on in your home is unbelievable.

I'd get the house sold and buy a house that suits those living in it! The 22 yr old can have the guest room when she visits - the same as anybody else who visits. It would then be the guest room, not her room.

You must have the patience and tolerance of a saint.

Misscoffeecrazy3 · 26/05/2020 22:42

Sorry haven’t read whole thread so sorry if this has been suggested but do you have any downstairs rooms that could be used as another bedroom? This is an option we’re looking at when we buy in a few years, I have a SS and two of my own. We’re currently in a three bed and looking to buy a four bed but they’re few and far between within our budget.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 26/05/2020 22:43

Why did your husband get you to sign that doc?!

You are now seen as second rate and not a proper partner by all involved (including step daughter)

You talk if hubby. So you are married?

Staying in a house you don’t love, just because it is “free”? Find yourself and your kids a proper place to live

EmbarrassedWoman · 26/05/2020 22:45

This would be a deal breaker for me.

When Dh is quoted to say "the kids come first"
What he actually means is "my kids come first"

You merged as a family.
You have 4 dc and the 2 youngest need their own room each as they are the only fulltime children of the house.
I dont see how that is not an easy decision to make.

Nottherealslimshady · 26/05/2020 22:46

The people that live in the house get priority over bedrooms.
If he wont let your daughter have their own bedrooms then tell him you'll have to move out.
It's not good for your daughters to be told they come behind his daughter

Wibu123 · 26/05/2020 22:49

Ultimately, your children need seperate rooms. Nothing else matters as you are their advocate. You shouldn't be worrying about upsetting anybody else (or coming across as an evil step-mother) at the cost of your ability to advocate for your children. Think of it like this: option A - you insist and move your child in to the room. Step daughter is cross and you deal with the fallout. She'll eventually grow up and understand. Option B - you make your children share and they learn (whether this is true or not) that they are not a priority in this blended family, they were second to their step sister in your eyes, they grew up in someone else's house and don't have their own home. It's very important you deal with this.

Have you spoken to SD? Could you take her out for lunch, treat her like an adult and explain adult to adult what the issue is? You say she talks about the house as her inheritance. Does she know about the paperwork in place? Does she know she'd still inherit the house, whether she has a room there or not? Most importantly, does she know her father and you will still love her and want her to stay, even if she has no room there?

Feedingthebirds1 · 26/05/2020 22:54

It's clear that your DH doesn't see your children in the same way he sees his daughter. Her wishes have to be fulfilled at the expense of the needs of yours.

As far as he is concerned they are very much 'your' children. He allows them (and you) to live in his inherited house, but they come second in the pecking order.

Can I ask why you thought you might be seen as a gold digger? Did anyone in his family say that outright, or hint at it? I know you thought you were behaving honourably, but you've played right into his, and his DD's, hands.

Sparticuscaticus · 26/05/2020 22:56

Whilst looking online at property to rent whilst reading your supportive response,...

Jeez OP you think you may have to end the marriage and move out over this for your two DDs sake? Your DH must see how unreasonable he is to damage his marriage & his DSDs over an empty bedroom that's hardly used. You may think of all 4 DC as yours too, but he isn't! He needs a reality check,

The late Aunt is no longer here - it's not a stately home in trust/ to generations- it's a 3 bed home! Due to ageing population more people end up in residential care, so that's the biggest "threat" to DSD having any inheritance above half of £23,500 threshold, more so if his wife leaves him - who will care for DH in his old age to keep him out of carehome if he became very ill? Would she give up her life to be his main carer?

NeutrinoWrangler · 26/05/2020 22:56

Your step-daughter is spoiled and selfish, and your husband isn't being very supportive of you (or reasonable, in general).

Your daughters deserve better than being squashed into a small space when there's another room that one of them could (should) be using.

I can't imagine how you can have a happy marriage with a man who would turn a blind eye to the needs of your daughters, when his own daughters are already well provided for.

I'd explain the situation either one of your daughters use the room or you rent a place of your own. He needs to get over his guilt. I couldn't respect a man who let his adult offspring boss him around in this way especially when it results in your own children being treated as second-tier family members.

MrsPworkingmummy · 26/05/2020 22:57

I'm assuming your terraced house has two reception rooms, then a kitchen at the back. If that's the case, couldn't you create a fourth bedroom in the dining room/second reception room?

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 22:59

Could you take her out for lunch, treat her like an adult and explain adult to adult what the issue is?

Hmm
JamieLeeCurtains · 26/05/2020 23:01

It's very hard for anyone get PIP or ESA let alone a young adult unless they have a diagnosis and can demonstrate significant daily living / mobility needs. So she has fibromyalgia, you think?

I've got a friend with that. She's in huge pain.

Does your husband worry about that? Does he talk about it? It just all seems so very unhappy for you all. I can see why you are fed up.

blubellsarebells · 26/05/2020 23:03

Why would they give over a reception room as a bedroom when more bedrooms are not needed?
There are enough bedrooms for the people who actually live in the house.
The problem is they are not being allocated fairly by any sane or rational persons thinking..
This isnt a space problem, its a weird and unhealthy disney dad spoilt daughter dynamic problem.

Incrediblytired · 26/05/2020 23:03

I get this but ... if she was living with you aged 22 you’d be asking for some rent. But she doesn’t live with you and she gets a rent free room...

I really think for the sake of your marriage, that you and DH need to choose a property together. Even if you have to rent it. Even if it’s a bit crapper. You can rent out the existing one and the tenants can look after DSD’s “inheritance” for her.

laura246810 · 26/05/2020 23:05

could you put bunks in the room so its both your step daughters and one of your daughters? that way your daughter gets her own room 29 nights out of 30 + your stepdaughter can stay as needed?

would dh agree?

BarbedBloom · 26/05/2020 23:11

When a woman posts on here about her partner, soon to be husband she is always told to protect her children's inheritance by allowing him to have a life interest in the property, but ultimately the house goes to the kids. So that part I don't have an issue with to be honest.

However I don't think the issue here is with your SD really, it is with your husband. It has to come from him or you will forever be the wicked stepmother. If he won't back you up with this then you have bigger problems than rooms.

I think really this is a situation where this house should be rented and you and him find another property together. However, be prepared that it can be expensive to be a landlord

Lightsabre · 26/05/2020 23:14

Just a different perspective- she may not feel that her step dads place is 'home', especially if she grew up in your husbands house as her family home. I feel a bit sorry for her to be honest. I would feel 'ousted' out at 22.

lolli7 · 26/05/2020 23:16

If your husband allows you to move out of your now family home just because he doesn’t want to upset his spoilt daughter then that says more about him than anything!

converseandjeans · 26/05/2020 23:16

Are your girls there 365 days a year or do they spend time at their Dad's place?
Possible solutions:

  • you split main bedroom into 2 & move yourselves into the second bedroom
  • loft conversion
  • use dining room as another bedroom
  • small extension downstairs
  • just tell her you're changing the rooms about
ScrimpshawTheSecond · 26/05/2020 23:17

I'll answer as your stepdaughter, OP.

If there is emotional attachment unresolved about the room, then that needs to be dealt with directly. It's not about the room, not really. It's about wanting to feel that your parents still love you, that her dad still loves her, that she hasn't been usurped or forgotten or pushed aside. It's hard for kids when their parents split up, no matter their age. There will almost always be some feelings of rejection and hurt, and guilt is common, too.

It sounds like you have a pretty functional, caring family set up, so it's well worth considering how to approach this to benefit everyone. Your younger kids need their rooms, without a doubt. So that has to happen and everyone should agree to it. Your step daughter is going to feel how she feels, and even if that seems 'spoiled' or difficult, I can guarantee that behind those actions are hurt feelings.

I would suggest either some form of family counselling/therapy to work through this, or just spending some time with your step daughters, and/or encouraging your husband to do so. It'll be worth it. Maybe look on it as a blessing, really, shining a light on an area that needs consideration and attention.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 23:20

I feel a bit sorry for her to be honest.

Do you feel sorry for the OP’s teenage daughters, one who has autism, who aren’t allowed their own rooms or to feel at home because someone who doesn’t live there, who has another home of her own, is given priority and an entire room she doesn’t need or use? Two girls who have a step father who doesn’t think they deserve their own spaces because he’s putting an adult first? OP, who was made to write herself and her children - also from a “broken home” let’s not forget - out of shared assets?

Dinomum2 · 26/05/2020 23:20

You just need a sofa bed in the living room for SD staying over. Your daughters should have their own rooms! You need to put your foot down she is an adult!

DamnYankee · 26/05/2020 23:21

I actually don't think my husband will back down sadly on this,and I can see us either squashing my 2 into 2 tiny box rooms or moving

If the house is beautiful and big has a lot of memories. DH has daddy guilt. Yep, I can't see you moving.

You were short on money, so the room is still gutted. So at the moment, who gets the room is a moot point. There is no room to go to.

DamnYankee · 26/05/2020 23:22

memories and DH has...

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