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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:

ChinChinPassMeTheGin · 22/08/2020 00:27

Any updates OP?

NinkiNonkiNikau · 22/08/2020 03:10

Did you manage to find a place op?

Inkpaperstars · 22/08/2020 03:45

Sorry to hear your update OP, you and your children deserve better.
I know it hurts, but I hope it will be onwards and upwards for you. I can't help thinking that if that is his attitude re one issue, he will actually have been toxic in so many other ways.

Anordinarymum · 22/08/2020 03:47

Split the biggest room up into two. Give your daughters first pick of the bedrooms and give the remaining one to step daughter.

OffThePlanet · 22/08/2020 04:13

You put your money into your daughter’s bank accounts after you sold your house because you didn’t think you would still be alive. Can you take your money back and buy a house to live in?

BensonStabler · 22/08/2020 04:31

@Turnipsandpotatoes

When I have mentioned it in the past he has said about splitting my girls room in half,but that would make 2 box rooms,and when I say box I mean walk sideways as it's so small box but also that they would have to walk through one room to to get to the door of the second room,there is no way to put the door anywhere else. I am going to talk to him tomorrow about it all,calmly, I do think his dad guilt is so strong he wont back down,which will end up sadly me moving out, but at least then my girls will have what they need and maybe I will have grown a bit more of the backbone I used to have. I dont want my marriage to end, he is a lovely husband in many other ways

If he doesn't give in or compromise somewhere to the point you have to move out on your own with your girls, knowing one additional needs, and you have not long had Cancer treatment and surgery, then I'm sorry to say he truly is not a lovely husband. The severity of this heartbreak and betrayal on his part would outweigh any good you had.

He is completely in the wrong. Not only with this particular problem, but the way he is spoiling his daughter and setting no limits or boundaries with her, no respect. It's disgusting. It will come back to bite him. Sadly it's set this young woman up to be an entitled brat, and she will apply that attitude and selfishness to all areas of her life and other relationships. He has fundamentally failed as a parent already let alone partner. If he is smart and cares enough for both you, her and your children he could turn it around, but he has to be firm with his daughter and set her on the right path again. One in which the world does not revolve around her.

I'm sorry for all your worries and stress on top of your health problems, take things at your own pace no matter what the outcome. I wish you well in your recovery and your home life. Ps you are a great Mum and step mum. It will be their loss. Xx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/08/2020 06:05

Wow, that's a real shame. I'm so sorry he's done that to you - but totally agree that if he still doesn't see your DDs as "worthy" of having their own room against his own DD, then he's not a good stepfather and you have no choice but to find your own space with your DDs and let them have what they need.

What a disappointment he is!

I hope you find a lovely home for you and your DDs and cut the deadwood away. Maybe they'll all come to realise what they've lost when you've gone, and he's rattling around that house by himself except when his DD bothers her arse to come and stay once in a blue moon.

Theluggagerules · 22/08/2020 08:14

Oh just saw update. Well in the long run you'll be better off without them, although it hurts now. You at least are showing your children you're putting their needs first.

GabsAlot · 22/08/2020 08:35

whats her name stacey? but its myyyyyyyyy room-your husband is a dick sorry

BlogTheBlogger · 22/08/2020 09:41

How sad that a grown woman would rather her dad's marriage break up than give up a room she rarely uses what a nasty entitled person he's raised

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/08/2020 10:13

I know the decision has already been made to move out (definitely the right decision) but I can’t believe how unreasonable your husband and SD were being.

My parents didn’t give my sister or I the choice. My DH and I moved in with my parents after uni with our baby DD. DD had my old room and we had my sister’s old room. My sister never moved back after uni but she does come to stay fairly frequently. She had the spare room.

Now DH and I have moved out. DD still has my old room but it’s her room with all of her things in it because she stays there most weeks during the school term. The room DH and I were sharing became another spare room because we didn’t need it to stay as our room. My parents had the room to give my sister and I a room each but we don’t live there anymore so we didn’t need a room. If others had needed the rooms more than us, there would have been no question that they’d have had them.

Catawaul · 22/08/2020 11:32

I think you've made the right decision. I also think that you can't rely on your DC's father to leave them an inheritance, so many things could prevent this ever happening - property sold to fund care fees, he remarries and the property goes to his new spouse, property burns down with no insurance...

Betty000 · 22/08/2020 11:40

I think maybe reassure her that you are not there to take away her inheritance. Your daughters should absolutely have a room each whether she likes it or not, she is an adult.

Betty000 · 22/08/2020 11:40

Sorry didn’t RTFT

QueSera · 22/08/2020 12:20

I'm really sorry to say this, but your DH sounds awful to me OP.
He should be telling his DD that the room going to one of the children who live in the house. Adult children do not get to keep empty rooms in their parents' houses to use very occassionally, when other people who actually live there are made to share a room. It can be a difficult pill to swallow for adult children to accept this, but I would think that most adults have had to accept this when they move out of their parents' homes.

This is about adult children compared to teenage children.
Your DH is treating your children terribly. I think if I were you, I would need to stand up for them, and to do so you and your DDs would need to get your own place.

Why can't the house be sold to buy a larger house, if it's essential that the 22yo gets to have a virtually unoccupied room?

QueSera · 22/08/2020 12:25

Sorry hadn't RTFT, I see why the house can't be sold.
Good luck OP, I think you're making the right choice.

MyNameHasBeenTaken · 22/08/2020 15:12

Give your girls a room each, but have an extra bed in with one of them.
Bunk or trundle thing ?
Then either your girls can share for a night when princess visits, or princess bunks with one of your girls

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